Dancing Aztecs (30 page)

Now, this band playing, and what they playing, it funeral music.
Jazz
funeral music. Very slow, but syncopated. Lots a looooonnnng loooowwww trombone notes, full a growl. Lots a piano left hand. The clarinet, it tootle and teetle, but it don't make no fuss about it, and even when the trumpet, it stride, it stride
soft
. Same like the bass, it walk slow and stately, it go
bum
dum
bum
dum
bum
, like a fat man carrying a crown on a little red pillow.

(Later on, coming
back
from the cemetery, this band gone
wail
. Then you gone
hear
something. You gone hear that trombone
waa
-do-du-deedle-du-do, and that trumpet climb up la-
bat
-da-badda-bah, and that clarinet skeetlee-dee-titty-dee, and them drums fa-
bot
-ba-ba-boo-budeh-bah, and that bass go
thun
-thun-tha-thun-thun, and that piano triple-skipple-dipple-whipple-fipple-ripple-
roo
. You gone see that piano player
smile
under mat bowler hat, and that trumpet man's eyes, they gone pop right out he
head
, and that trombone man's glasses, they gone steam up like in a Turkish bath. Because this the idea, on the way the cemetery you got to think about him what dead, so you play the long slow music with the heavy walking beat. But on the way back from the cemetery, it time to think about the living, it time to come
up
out your sadness, come
up
to happiness again. At least, that's what them handkerchief-heads from Down South, them Dundershaft relatives, that what
they
think.)

Now, after the band come eleven black Cadillac convertibles, on account Cadillac the only kind convertible made in the United States any more—don't complain,
you
didn't buy no convertibles neither—and these eleven convertibles, they has they tops down so the general public, it can see the celebrities.

About them celebrities. F. Xavier, he had a lot a trouble about them celebrities. First he try calling them almost-celebrities from the Open Sports Committee, and that don't get him nowhere at
all
. Nobody home, everybody busy, everybody mad about this thing or that thing, don't nobody remember no solidarity worth a damn.

So after that he try some other people what might be celebrities, but don't nobody want to go to no funeral, and don't nobody
double
want to go to no Mole Mouth Dundershaft funeral. And F. Xavier, he figure he got to get some celebrities to
this
funeral or pretty soon they gone be another funeral. Because Bad Death, he calling up all the time, he saying, “You got them celebrities yet?”

“Working on the list, Bad Death.”

“You fuckin' better.”

So F. Xavier, he think about things, and when Maleficent, she start bad-mouthing him he turn around quick and whup her with a floor lamp, which nobody ever done before, and she go lock herself in her bedroom and call the Dunkin Donuts and tell them send over a whole
lot
a stuff. And F. Xavier, he give himself a shock when he plug the floor lamp in again, and it just like a light bulb over a character's head in a comic book because all a sudden he
know
what to do about celebrities. And he make a whole bunch a phone calls, and everybody he call say yes, and when Bad Death, he call the next time, F. Xavier, he say, “I got em, Bad Death.”

“Oh, yeah? Who you got?”

“I got Sammy Davis, Jr. And I got Muhammad Ali. And I got—”

“You shittin me?”

“
Me
, Bad Death?”

“You really got all them people? Who else you got?”

“I got Diana Ross, and I got Flip Wilson, and I got Bob Teague, and I got Pam Grier, and I—”

“Pam Grier!”

“Sure, Bad Death.”

“What she doin after the funeral?”

“Uh. Well, listen, Bad Death, these people, you know, they all want to come on account this gone be the social event of the
year
, but they don't want no trouble in their lives, so in case the police is watching this funeral—”

“Well, shit,
sure
they gone be watchin the funeral. You kiddin me?”

“Well, these celebrities,” F. Xavier explained, “they gotta pretend they don't know you, see what I mean? They'll just ride in the cars, but they won't talk to nobody or nothing.”

“Oh, sure,” Bad Death said. “I get it. You got anybody else?”

“Let's see my list here. I told you about Pam Grier.”

“You sure did.”

“So then I got Redd Foxx and Diahann Carroll and Shirley Chisholm and Jim Brown.”

“Who was that one?”

“Jim Brown.”

“No, the one before that.”

“Shirley Chisholm?”

“Who dat?”

“Congresswoman from Brooklyn. Very important woman, Bad Death. Big-time celebrity.”

“Well, okay. The only politicians I knows is precinct captains.”

So that took care the celebrities. So now the celebrities, they in five convertibles in the funeral procession, two celebrities per convertible. Only not the front two convertibles, cause in the front two convertibles is Mole Mouth's immediate family, a bunch of wooly-head niggers from Down South someplace, staring around at everything and eating Kentucky Fried Chicken outa plastic buckets on the floor the convertibles and generally making fools a theyselves. But starting with the third convertible, here come the celebrities.

Leroy, he say, “Buhbuh.”

Buhbuh, he say, “Whu?”

Leroy, he say, “Lu dah.”

Buhbuh, he say, “Lu
wuh?”

Leroy, he say, “
Dah!
Ain dah Sammy Davis Junyuh?”

Buhbuh, he look, he say, “Nah.”

Buhbuh, he right. That ain't no Sammy Davis, Jr. That F. Xavier's cousin Jim Haye from South Ozone Park, what
look
a little like Sammy Davis, Jr., special when he got that black eyepatch on what the real Sammy Davis, Jr., don't wear no more. (When F. Xavier, back at the funeral parlor, when he point to Jim Haye and say Bad Death, “There Sammy Davis, Jr.,” and Bad Death, he say, “How come he wearin that eyepatch? He don't wear that no more,” F. Xavier, he say, “He lost the glass eye.” And Bad Death, he say, “Playin what?”)

So now Leroy, he say, “Well, ain' dah Muhammad Ali?”

Buhbuh, he look, he frown, and he say, “Nah.”

Buhbuh, he right again. That ain't no Muhammad Ali, that F. Xavier's nephew Lucius White from New Rochelle, sitting in there next to Jim Haye with his jacket shoulders all full a paper towels and his arms up in a boxer's handshake with himself.

So that the first car celebrities. Jim Haye with a eyepatch on and Lucius White wearing paper towels, both a them nodding and waving to the multitude, what stare back. And that F. Xavier, he had to be pretty smart
and
pretty dumb, try to pull a stunt like this.

So now the next Cadillac convertible come along, and Leroy, he say, “Gah dammit, Buhbuh, ain' dah Diana Ross?”

“Nah,” say Buhbuh.

“How bow Flip Wilson?”

“No way,” say Buhbuh.

That Buhbuh, he batting a thousand. That ain't Flip Wilson, that a casket salesman from Detroit name a Happy Charlie Lincoln, who
do
look like Flip Wilson. He look like Flip Wilson so much that people say it all the time; they say, “Man,
you
look like Flip Wilson.” And right away they sorry they say that, 'cause right away Happy Charlie Lincoln, he do fifteen minutes a Geraldine. It
awful
.

And nor ain't that Diana Ross. Who that is, that Maleflcent's little nephew Alexander Sternfeather. When F. Xavier, he call him and ask him help out in a matter a life and death, that Alexander, he say, “
I
ain' gone dress up like any girl.” And F. Xavier, he say, “This ain't dressin' up like
any
girl, Alexander. This dressin' up like Diana Ross. This dressin' up like a
star.”
So he talk Alexander into it, and they give Alexander some really heavy threads, and they give Alexander a wig almost tall as he is, a scale model a Versailles made outa yak hair. And now Alexander, he getting such a big kick outa being a star, he singing “Stop in the Name of Love” while waving at them multitudes. Good thing they can't hear him.

So now Leroy, he getting mad, he getting pissed
off
, he stand up from the curb where him and Buhbuh, where they been sitting, and he point, and he say, “Now. You tell me dat ain't no Bob Teague.”

Now, ain't nobody perfect. Buhbuh, he don't watch no Channel 4 news, he don't know Bob Teague from McTeague, he say, “Beat me, man. Mebbe so.”

“Hokay,” Leroy say. “An you tell me, what dat in dere with Bob Teague?”

Buhbuh, he look, he say, “Dunno.”

“It Pam
Grier
, you dum-dum!”

Buhbuh, he say, “Poo.”

Buhbuh, he back on the beam. Pam Grier, poo.
That
ain't no Pam Grier, sitting there in brown leather pants and brown leather jacket and snakeskin shirt. That F. Xavier's cosmetician in the funeral parlor, name a Theodora Nice, who put out all the time for the drivers on the cosmetology table. She don't even
look
all that much like Pam Grier, though she been fixed up more in that direction at the moment, but they something about the expression in her eyes that make a lotta men, they see her, among the things they think, they think, “Pam Grier.”

As for that Bob Teague, he ain't no Bob Teague neither. Maleficent, she come out a the bedroom after she cool off, she full a contrition and Dunkin Donuts, and when F. Xavier, he tell her what he scheming, she say she gone help out, on account her no-good sister's no-good husband, Roosevelt Jackson, he look like that fella on the TV, that Bob Teague. So Leroy, he wrong again.

He gone be wrong twice more in another minute, when he say, “Lu
dah
. Redd Foxx
an
Diahann Carroll!”

“Wrong
an
wrong,” say Buhbuh.

Leroy, he say, “Buhbuh, you a pain in the ass.”

That may be, but Buhbuh, he a
right
pain in the ass. Redd Foxx,
huh
. Who that is, that Maleficent's diet doctor, Doctor Erasmus Cornflower, a nasty goddam charlatan and quack, what F. Xavier had to point a pistol at this morning before he'd sit still and let Maleficent dye his hair red. He ain't at all happy in that convertible, which is okay, on 'count when he frown like that he look almost
exactly
like Redd Foxx on television when he mad at he family.

And you know who dat Diahann Carroll is? She made up a lot, and her hair different from usual, but Leroy, he should a
known
who that is. Buhbuh,
he
know. “Leroy,” he say, “you got your eyes up you asshole. Tha Miss
Tower.”

Leroy, he say, “Huh?” And he stare. “You fulla shit,” he say. But then he stare again, and if that convertible, if it hadn't gone on by already by then, he would of maybe run right over to it and look
close
, because damn if maybe it wasn't Miss Tower, after all.

It is. Felicity Tower was almost the only Open Sports Committee member what F. Xavier could get in touch with this morning, and she come down when he say he need help, but they ain't no high school teacher in the
world
a big star celebrity except maybe Sam Levenson, and he the wrong ethnic. So Maleficent and Theodora Nice and F. Xavier, they all work on Felicity, and when they done she still one a the most beautiful women ever, but she don't look like no block a ice no more, what she look like is Diahann Carroll.
O-kay
.

So Leroy, he shake he head at that convertible, 'cause he don't know
who
that is no more, but then he look at the next convertible, and he frown, and he say, “Buhbuh.”

And Buhbuh, he say, “Wuh?”

And Leroy, he say, “Who dah in dere wih Jim Brown?”

And Buhbuh, he say, “
Whut
Jim Brown?”

“Well,
hell!”
Leroy say.

Well, that ain't no Jim Brown in there, but who that is in there with him is Alexander Sternfeather's mother Lois. It used to be everybody told Lois she look exactly like Nat King Cole, but these days everybody tell her she look exactly like Shirley Chisholm, so that who she supposed to be, but Leroy and Buhbuh, they ain't up on current events. Not
that
kind current events.

About that Jim Brown. The funny thing about him, his name really
is
Jim Brown, and he used to play football one time, and then he was a sparring partner for a while, and then he busted safes until he went up to Attica for a while, and now he drive one a F. Xavier's hearses (except today), and if ever a fella from a protection racket or something like that come around pester F. Xavier, F. Xavier, he send the fella talk to Jim Brown, and that take care a that. So all that was done with this Jim Brown, make him look like the other Jim Brown, is give him a mustache cut out from the back part of Alexander Sternfeather's Diana Ross wig.

So now Buhbuh, he say, “Okay, Leroy, who
dah?”

He mean the fellas in the next convertible, which is the eighth convertible, and which has in it Bad Death Jonesburg his own self, and three a his close associates. And Leroy, he look, he say, “It beat the shit outa
me.”

“You doan think tha no Wallace Beery or nothin', huh?”

And Leroy, he grumpy, he don't answer.

So now three more convertibles go on by, full a evil and dissolute men, and then Leroy, he get happy and excited again, he say, “Buhbuh!”

And Buhbuh, he say, “Wuh?”

That Leroy, he say, “Lu dah! Dat our
band!”
Then he turn, he give Buhbuh a cold-fish look, he say, “Or you gone say tha
not
our band?”

“Oh, it our band, all right,” Buhbuh say.

You can count on Buhbuh. It the Liberation High School band, marching. Only they up on a flatbed truck like the first band and the horses, so the kind a marching they doing is back-and-forth marching. They going in and out with each other, they doing all their tricky moves for the band competitions, only they doing everything
small
, on account they don't want nobody fall off the truck. So they spelling out HELLO and TEAM and USA and all like that, steady marching back and forth and in and out and up and down on the flatbed truck, on account most a them, they don't know how to play standing still.