Dancing in the Dark: My Struggle Book 4 (57 page)

‘No,’ I said with a smile.

She held her index finger against her cheek, supported her chin on her thumb and regarded me with raised eyebrows. God, she was so attractive.

Five seconds passed. Ten.

‘OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll come with you. We’ve finished here anyway. I just need to change first.’

‘I’ll wait outside,’ I said and turned so that she couldn’t see I was smiling so much my mouth was in danger of splitting open.

A few minutes later she came down the steps zipping up her dark blue Puffa jacket and straightening her white woollen hat in a way that was making my heart thump as I waited in the darkness.

She stopped in front of me and put on her gloves, also white, and shifted the bag she was carrying from one hand to the other.

‘Shall we go then?’ she said, as though we had known each other for years.

I nodded.

All the light-headedness vanished as we set off down the hill. Now it was just her and me. And oh, how aware I was of her movements and facial expressions as we walked down the snow-covered road.

She was tall, slim, her nose was small like a child’s, her hips were beautifully rounded, her feet small, yet there was nothing of that dainty grace about her, she wasn’t someone you wanted to protect, someone you wanted to take care of, and her strength, which was also a coldness, was what perhaps I found most irresistible about her.

When her eyes didn’t flash with life they were dark and calm.

This had been my initiative, she had waited for me, I had set this in motion.

We had already reached my old flat.

‘Where do you stay when you come here?’ I asked.

‘At mum’s,’ she said, pointing down to the right. ‘She lives down there.’

‘Did you go to school here?’

‘No, I grew up in Finnsnes.’

‘And now you’re at the tech?’

‘Have you been talking to Hege?’ she said, looking at me.

‘No, no,’ I said. ‘It was a wild guess.’

Then there was silence. I was uneasy and tried to think of something else so that she wouldn’t notice my nerves. If dogs can smell fear, girls can smell nervousness, that was my experience.

From a distance I could see lights in the sitting room. When we went in Nils Erik, Tor Einar and Henning were there. They were playing Nick Cave and drinking what looked like red wine. We sat down on the sofa. It felt as if the party was over, there was no energy in the room, only lifeless eyes and some sipping of wine. Tor Einar tried a couple of times to whip up some atmosphere, but no one was biting, his laughter was met with polite smiles and weary looks.

‘Would you like something to drink?’ I asked Ine. ‘A glass of red wine? Some vodka?’

‘Have you got any beer?’

‘No.’

‘A small vodka then.’

I went into the kitchen, which was freezing cold as usual, and took two glasses from the cupboard, poured a dash of vodka in each and mixed it with 7 Up as I wondered what to do. Perhaps best to wait? They would soon go, and then we would be alone. But if they didn’t, if this dragged on for another half an hour, there would be a good chance she would leave. There was nothing of interest for her here. Could I simply suggest we went up to my bedroom?

No, no, that was the last thing I should do. Then they would be sitting underneath us listening to every movement upstairs, she would know that and refuse, that was no good.

But I had to get her on her own.

Could we go into my study?

With a glass in each hand I went into the sitting room. Put one on the table by Ine, who looked up at me and gave a weak smile.

‘This music is depressing me,’ I said. ‘Can I put something else on?’

‘Be my guest,’ Nils Erik said.

What might she like?

Or should I choose a record I liked, one which might give her a sense of who I was? Hüsker Dü, for example? Or
Psychocandy
by Jesus and Mary Chain?

‘Any requests?’ I said, crouching by the LPs.

No one answered.

The Smiths maybe?

No, that was too whiny. And something told me she hated whining.

Something hard and masculine. But what?

Did I really not have anything? Was all the music I had fem-inine and whiny?

It would have to be Led Zeppelin.

As the stylus crackled on the first groove I stood up. It was important to keep on the move because if I sat down the inertia in the room would make everything I did from then on conspicuous.

‘
Skål!
’ I said, reaching out my glass and clinking it against the others, Ine’s last.

‘Come with me,’ I said. ‘I’m going to show you something.’

‘Oh, what?’ she said.

‘It’s in there,’ I said, motioning towards the other end of the sitting room. ‘It’s something I talked about before. Come on!’

She got up, we crossed the floor, I closed the door behind us and there we were, each holding a glass and standing between the towers of books and piles of paper and cardboard boxes.

She looked around. I sat down on the chair.

‘What were you going to show me?’ she said.

‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘It was just so boring in there. Come and sit over here.’

I held her hand, she sat down on my lap. Then she took the initiative, picked up my hand and studied it. Ran her thumb over my palm.

‘Wow, they’re so soft,’ she said. ‘You’ve never done any manual work in your life, have you.’

‘Not a lot,’ I said.

‘Never used a spade? Or a spanner?’

‘No.’

She shook her head.

‘That’s not good,’ she said. ‘And you bite your nails, I can see. Are you the nervy type?’

‘Yes, I suppose I am.’

‘And why was I to go home with you, did you say?’

I sat there with a hard-on, not knowing what to say.

She leaned forward and opened her mouth. We kissed. I stroked her back, then I held her tight and pulled her to me, hard, she was so
lovely
, and she moved her head away.

She stroked my cheek.

‘You’re nice,’ she said.

Her dark eyes lit up as she smiled.

We kissed again.

Then she got up.

‘I have to go,’ she said.

‘No. You can’t,’ I said. ‘Not now.’

‘Yes, I can. But I’m here tomorrow too. Pop round if you like. I’ll be at mum’s.’

She opened the door, I accompanied her to the hall, she put on her jacket and went out, turned briefly and said bye, disappeared down the road.

Leaving her bag behind.

The next day, well, what was on my mind the next day?

Ine.

A miracle had taken place. In my room, last night, a miracle.

Ine, Ine, Ine.

But I put off the visit. The night before I had been drunk, everything took its own course. Now I was sober and could lose everything.

It was three o’clock before I dared venture out and set off on the long road there.

Her mother, an elderly woman with white hair, opened the door.

‘Is Ine at home?’ I asked.

‘Yes, she is,’ she said. ‘She’s in the living room. Come inside.’

Ine in the living room, that was quite different from Ine at a party. She was wearing grey jogging pants and a white T-shirt with a picture of a motorbike on. Her hair was pinned up. She smiled when she saw me, jumped to her feet and asked if I wanted some coffee.

‘Yes, please.’

She fetched a cup and placed a white Thermos on the table next to me.

I grabbed it and tried to unscrew the top. But my palms were too sweaty. My hand slipped round without gaining any purchase. When I applied all my strength it budged a little, but by then I had used all my strength and had none left to turn it.

She watched me.

I blushed.

‘Shall I give you a hand?’ she said.

I nodded.

‘My hands are so slippery,’ I said.

She came over and unscrewed the top with ease.

‘There we are,’ she said and sat back down.

I poured the coffee, took a sip.

So far I hadn’t said a word.

‘When are you going back? Tonight?’

She nodded. Her mother came in behind me.

‘You work with Hege, don’t you?’ her mother said.

‘Yes.’

‘Hege really likes you,’ Ine said. ‘She talks about you a lot anyway.’

‘Is that right?’ I said.

‘It is,’ she said.

What was this? What was I doing here? Were we going to make
small talk
? How wrong was that? Wrong, wrong, wrong!

‘Where do you live in Finnsnes?’ I said.

‘Right behind the bank.’

‘Renting somewhere?’

She nodded.

‘Do you like Håfjord?’ her mother asked.

‘Yes, I like it a lot,’ I said. ‘I’m having a great time here.’

‘Yes, it’s a fine little place,’ her mother said.

‘Mum!’ Ine said. ‘You’re boring him.’

Her mother smiled and got up.

‘OK, OK,’ she said. ‘I’ll leave you two in peace.’

She left the room. Ine drummed her fingers on the table.

‘Can I meet you again?’ I said.

‘You’re meeting me now,’ she said.

‘That’s true,’ I said. ‘But I meant in a different way. We could have dinner together or something like that. What do you think?’

‘Maybe,’ she said.

She looked fantastic sitting there. A red-faced sweaty boy was the last thing she needed in her life.

‘Actually I dropped by on my way to the school,’ I said. ‘I’ve got to do some work and prepare for tomorrow.’

I got up.

She got up.

I went into the hall, she followed and watched me put on my coat.

‘Bye then,’ she said.

‘Bye,’ I said, and hurried up the hill towards the school, where I had nothing to do, but I unlocked the door anyway, in case she was watching me from her house. I was fairly sure she had forgotten I existed the moment she closed the door behind me, nevertheless, I didn’t want to be caught out telling such a cowardly lie, and now that I was at the school I might just as well watch some TV, it was Sunday, there was always sport on then.

Ine, Ine, Ine, all the girls tittered when I went into the classroom for the first lesson the following day.

So everyone knew.

I ignored them but thought of nothing else.

Ine, Ine, Ine.

At night I lay awake musing on my next move. She had left her bag at mine, she would have to come and get it, wouldn’t she? Or should I take it to Finnsnes?

I had already put the nightmare visit to her house behind me, I hadn’t even been able to open the Thermos, so what could I expect of another visit? That she would throw herself into my arms?

I would have to meet her when I was drunk, that was my only chance.

Ine, Ine, Ine.

The brief memory of her burned inside me, I had never experienced anything similar, it was so unassailable, it was the focal point of everything, suddenly she was all that counted.

I walked back and forth between the house and the school during the day, went for long runs in the evenings to sweat out any thoughts of her, and then the following Sunday she appeared.

There was a knock at the door, I opened up, there she stood.

Beautiful Ine.

‘I left a bag here, I believe. Just came by to pick it up.’

‘Is it this one?’ I said, holding it up.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’

She turned to go.

‘Wouldn’t you like to come in for a while?’ I said.

She shook her head, but not from side to side, the movement seemed to stop halfway, and I loved it.

‘I have to go back to Finnsnes,’ she said, starting to walk up the little slope to the road. It was slippery, she took small steps.

‘Did you come all this way just to get the bag?’ I said.

‘No. I’ve been here all weekend,’ she said. She had reached the top now and was striding out.

I knew nothing about her except that she was sixteen, liked motorbikes and went to a technical college.

Not much to base a relationship on.

But she was a miracle of nature, and she was tough.

Her breasts were big, her legs long.

What more could I want?

Nothing, that covered everything.

So what should I do?

Nothing, I meant nothing to her, that had taken her under five minutes to work out.

I told Hege everything. We sat nursing cups of tea.

‘Ine’s no good for you,’ she said. ‘You have no idea. So you’ll just have to forget it.’

‘I can’t,’ I said.

She looked at me. ‘You’re not
in love
with my little sister, are you?’

‘Yes, I am. That’s exactly what I am.’

She sipped her tea, stroked a long strand of hair away from her eyes.

‘Oh, Karl Ove, what a one you are,’ she said.

‘It’s a terrible cliché, but I can’t stop thinking about her.’

‘You’ll never make it with her. It just won’t work. In fact, it is inconceivable.’

‘Saying that is not helpful,’ I said. ‘I have got to try.’

‘OK,’ she said. ‘Let’s go to Finnsnes, go to the disco, miss the bus home and crash out at her place.’

‘Why can’t she come with us to the disco?’

‘She doesn’t like discos.’

It was a plan, and we followed it to the letter.

On Friday night we stood outside a house behind a bank, not far from a disco, Hege rang the bell and Ine came down.

If she was angry that her sister had tricked her, she didn’t show it.

They hugged, I looked down and tried to be as unassuming as possible, followed them up the stairs, sat down on a chair and not on the sofa so that she wouldn’t feel compelled to sit next to me.

She was just as casually dressed this time as last. Shiny tracksuit bottoms tight around her thighs and a plain white T-shirt.

She made some tea and they did the talking, I sat listening and offering the occasional comment.

The bedsit consisted of a single room with a little kitchenette at one end. The room was quite big, though by no means immense, and while I sat there I kept wondering what Hege had imagined. How could anything possibly happen here?

Ine made up a bed on a mattress on the floor, it was positioned right next to the door and that was where I was to sleep. Hege would be sharing the double bed with her.

Ho hum.