Dark of the Moon (3 page)

“Heard what?” I asked quietly.

Then I noticed the white bandage peering out beneath the sleeve of his T-shirt. We didn’t often sport bandages. In wolf form, Shifters could heal amazingly fast—unless the wound had been inflicted by silver or the bite of another lycanthrope. Then the process took forever and left a scar. Our healing abilities were one of the things that made us attractive to Bio-Chrome. Even in the heat of battle only the worst of wounds could slow us down, because we continued to heal, providing us with a living sort of armor.

“You’re hurt,” I whispered, and in spite of my best intentions, I reached out and trailed my fingers near the bandage. I felt his firm muscles quiver and ripple beneath
my touch. I’d never deliberately touched him. His skin was smooth and warm. I wanted to know the feel of his face, his neck, his chest…I wanted to know what everything about him felt like.

“Rafe.” He said the one word as though it should explain everything.

Rafe was a Dark Guardian, part of our pack, part of our sherpa team. He was as dark-haired, as dark-complexioned as me. He’d grown up with us, fought beside us against our enemies. He was as loyal to our kind as any of us. “Rafe bit you?”

Connor snorted, and I could sense the anger now rolling off him in waves. “I bit him back. Wish I had rabies. It would serve him right.”

“I don’t understand, Connor. Where’s Lindsey? What happened?”

“Rafe challenged me for her.”

“What? You mean wolf to wolf?” A challenge was never made lightly. Tradition had it that when one wolf challenged another, it was a fight to the death.

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God! But you’re her mate. You declared her; she accepted you.” It was always the girl’s right to not choose the guy who had declared her his mate. But I’d never known it to happen. “You’ve been together for as long as—”

“Yeah, well, apparently I chose wrong.”

He continued to look forward, as though he were embarrassed, or maybe he just didn’t want me to see in his eyes the depth of his rejection and loss. I knew he was hurting. It was evident in every muscle of his body. He’d always loved Lindsey. Would it make him feel any better if I told him that I loved him? I didn’t think so. I couldn’t replace what he’d thought he lost.

“I’m sorry.” And I was. This was exactly what I’d always wished for, but now that it had happened—I felt guilty, as though my wishing for it had somehow made it happen, had brought him this pain.

“Not your fault. It’s just the way it is, but it’s still hard to swallow, you know?”

“I know.”

He turned his head to look at me directly. Even with the moonlight I couldn’t see the blue of his eyes that were a shade darker than mine, but what I could see surprised me. He wasn’t sad. He looked as though he was disgusted with himself. Then he shook it off, as though he didn’t want to reveal so much. What replaced it surprised me even more. I saw admiration. “I see you survived your full moon. I can’t believe you took off on your own. That took guts. I mean, no one has ever doubted your courage, but what you did went above and beyond.”

Guilt gnawed at me because he was praising me when
I so didn’t deserve it. I wanted to tell him the truth. The burden of what I was—or wasn’t—was so hard to bear but I was afraid he’d be appalled by the reality of what I was. How could he not be?

We had never, ever, allowed a non-Shifter into our inner circle. Standing there I was confused about what I truly was: a Shifter who somehow the moon had passed by but would return for later or someone who would never be anything more than she was at that precise moment.

If it was the latter, what was the point in existing at all? How could I protect the Shifters if I wasn’t one of them? But I couldn’t turn my back on them either.

I eased away from him and stared at the water, the way the moon reflected off it and made it prettier than it was during the day. “It was no big deal.” Especially since nothing happened.

“Hey, like all guys, I went through it alone. It’s brutal.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. It was a totally private experience.”

“Got it.”

I didn’t know why I was disappointed by his response. I guessed I wanted him to care enough to prod the truth out of me.

“Did you know Lindsey liked Rafe?” he asked.

“She mentioned him a couple of times.” It had always
irritated me when she did. If Connor had been mine, I’d have never even looked at another guy. My voice had a hard edge when I said, “I never thought she appreciated you. You’re better off without her.”

He barked out his harsh laughter. “Typical Brittany. You’re never afraid to say what you’re thinking. I’ve always admired that about you.”

If I’d died right at that moment, I would have died happy. Connor had admitted that he admired something about me? Me? I felt like smiling and laughing when I hadn’t thought I’d ever again feel like doing either. I wanted to tell him that there was a lot about him that I liked and admired but the moment wasn’t right.

While I didn’t say anything, silence settled in between us and other communication was going on. We were gazing into each other’s eyes, and I wondered if he was seeing me—truly seeing me—for maybe the first time. He seemed lost in thought—and I wished I could read his mind. I tried not to let my eyes reflect the depth of feelings I held for him. I was still a little too vulnerable from the moon’s betrayal to risk my heart with Connor at that moment. But I wasn’t afraid to meet his gaze, to hold it. Then his gaze dropped to my lips and they began to tingle. Was he thinking about kissing me?

As much as I wanted him to, I didn’t want him to kiss me until he was over Lindsey. I wasn’t going to serve as
a rebound girl. Still, I seemed unable to stop myself from licking my lips, from anticipating a kiss, from imagining how warm and wonderful it would be.

As though coming out of a trance, Connor gave his head a little shake before he dropped it back and stared at the night sky. “I need to run.” His voice was raspy, sexy. He cleared his throat. “So, do you want to run with me?”

Oh, I wanted to, desperately. But I knew he wasn’t talking about jogging through the forest. He was talking about shifting and running so fast that the trees would become a blur.

“Facing the full moon alone took a lot out of me,” I said. That much at least was true. “I’m going to pass.”

“Another time then.” He looked back at me. “I remember when I faced my first transformation. I couldn’t wait, but I also remember the pain. The elders would have found someone else to go through it with you if you didn’t like Daniel.”

“They drew his name out of a hat.” I didn’t bother to hide my disgust.

“It wasn’t like that. They used a bowl.”

I pounded my fist into his shoulder.

“Ouch!” He rubbed his arm, but he was smiling.

“It was insulting—to me and Daniel.” He wasn’t a bad guy, but he wasn’t the right one either. We’d spent
a few days together, but we’d both known it was a lost cause. “I didn’t want a pity mate.”

“You’ve got the wrong attitude about it. It’s not like you had to marry the guy. He was just supposed to help you get through it. Nothing more.”

Except for the whole getting-naked part. We couldn’t transform in our clothes. So there was a definite intimacy factor. “It’s all moot now. The pressure is off. I can choose a mate anytime.”

“It’ll never be like the first time you shift.”

I shrugged. “As far as I’m concerned, the first time is overrated.”

His grin flashed in the night. “Well, don’t tell anyone. Don’t want to ruin the mystique for the others who haven’t yet experienced it.” Something shifted in his eyes that I couldn’t quite identify. “I’m glad you survived.”

“Yeah, me, too.” Sorta. And then I remembered what I’d seen near the river. “Hey, listen, has anyone mentioned finding traps in the woods?”

“No. Why?”

“I ran across a snare about a day and a half walk from here, near the river.”

He got really still, the way a predator does when it scents its prey. I knew he’d gone into warrior mode, was considering strategy.

“You think it was Bio-Chrome?” he finally asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe. It was designed to capture something the size of a wolf.”

He released a harsh curse, then gave me a hard stare. “You walked from there? You didn’t think you needed to travel in wolf form so you could get here more quickly?”

“I had my backpack with me.” I knew it was a lame excuse, which Connor confirmed with his next words.

“You could have left it somewhere, gone back for it later.”

It made me angry that he was questioning me—also that he was right. And that I’d had no choice in my mode of transportation. Two legs were all I had access to at the moment, so I searched for another lie. “I’d taken some sentimental items with me to help me face the transformation alone. I didn’t want to risk losing them. Besides, it wasn’t as though we were in immediate danger, and I needed the time alone.”

The tightening of his jaw only confirmed for me that no one would accept me if I couldn’t shift. I also realized that lying about it wasn’t going to be easy either. I should have come up with a better excuse—one that didn’t make me look irresponsible.

“I’ll check it out,” he said. “In wolf form, I should be able to get there and back by morning. Are you sure you’re not up to coming with me?”

How I wished…

“I’m sure. I covered my tracks, but you should be able to follow my scent.”

I could tell he wasn’t happy with my decision, that he thought I was shirking my responsibilities. By not telling him the truth about me, I was. But my fallacy—whatever had prevented me from shifting during the full moon—was mine to deal with.

“Later then,” he said grudgingly.

Turning on his heel, he walked back into the forest, but I didn’t follow. I knew he was going to remove his clothes and transform into a wolf. For a species that spent a lot of its time without clothes on, we were a modest group.

Looking back out over the water, regrets prodded me. I knew that I should confess my limitations, but I also knew that if I did, I might be cast out. But even without the ability to shift, I could still make a valuable contribution, could find a way to protect the Shifters—especially if what I suspected was true: The trap was set by Bio-Chrome. They were still coming after us.

Nothing was left for me to do right then except return to the mansion. I couldn’t go with Connor into the night. He was free now to love someone else, but I was shackled by my inability to shift.

Hearing the rustling of brush, I glanced to the side. The most beautiful wolf I’d ever seen stood at the water’s
edge. In wolf form, Connor always took my breath.

His fur, like his hair, was a sandy blond that bordered on light brown. It had various shades, darker along his back, lighter near his paws. I wanted to dig my hands in his fur, hold him close, and confess everything. I wanted him to shift back into human form, put his arms around me, and assure me that everything would be all right.

But I knew none of that would ever happen. If he knew the truth about me, that I hadn’t shifted yet, he’d be appalled.

With a last look at me, he splashed across the brook and loped away, awash in moonlight. With longing, I watched until I could no longer see him. Shifters healed when in wolf form, but I wasn’t sure that shifting would heal a broken heart—either his or mine.

As I hurried back to the main house, I realized that I now had something I hadn’t had before: a chance with Connor.

And just as quickly reality slapped me hard in the face. That chance was only available if I could figure out what had happened to me, why I hadn’t shifted. I mean, really, what guy wanted a Static girlfriend?

When I arrived at the house, I located my backpack, started for the front door, and stopped. It was late. Only a few lights were on, but I wasn’t ready to run into anyone else and continue with my cover-up. Besides, I had something I wanted to check.

We were an ancient civilization. Some believed we’d been around since the dawn of time. Others thought we’d come into existence with King Arthur and the magic of Merlin that had surrounded him. The elders never really confirmed our origins. They simply protected the secrets of our history. Those secrets were housed within ancient texts that the passage of time had made so fragile that only the elders were allowed to read and study them.

While I walked in the shadows along the side of the house, heading toward the back, my mind drifted to the ancient texts that were stored in a room that only the elders were allowed into alone. They’d shown the room to the Dark Guardians, reverently removed the ancient book from a glass box, and allowed us to touch the worn leather so we’d have more regard for our past. But the book was never opened in front of us. The words were never read to us. Surely something so carefully guarded contained secrets—and answers.

I didn’t bother sneaking. No point when the night guards had a keen sense of smell. I was surprised that I hadn’t spotted anyone yet, but I figured they were probably on the far perimeter. Their job was to stop anyone who shouldn’t be here from getting this close. They weren’t here to stop us from doing anything
we
shouldn’t. After all, we’d all sworn an oath to be honorable. An oath I was about to break.

When I reached the back door, I turned the knob—not surprised to find it locked. I swiped the keycard and watched the red blinking light turn green. Taking a deep breath, I slipped inside and quietly closed the door behind me.

Now was the time for stealth. I was in an area we were discouraged from hanging out in. The hallway was unlit. Closing my eyes, I envisioned what everything had looked like when the elders brought us to this area of the residence. The hall was wide. Tables decorated with antiques and statuettes honoring wolves lined the walls. If I simply walked down the center, I should be okay.

I crept slowly and carefully, until my eyes adjusted to the gloom and the shadows began to take shape. I realized that a few of the doors were open. Pale moonlight spilled through the windows into the rooms and whispered into the hallway. But it wasn’t an open door that interested me.

My heart thundering, I came to a stop in front of a closed door. I knew if I was discovered I’d be stripped of my Dark Guardian status—but that was going to happen anyway if I didn’t get some answers. I put my hand on the knob and a chill went through me. I wasn’t certain if it was the knob or my hand that was cold. It was as though the ghosts from the past were breathing down my neck.
“Enough already,” I muttered. Squeezing my eyes shut, I twisted the knob.

It opened.

I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from gasping out loud with surprise. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Or what I thought I was going to do if it hadn’t opened. Was someone in there? Was one of the elders working late? Or did they trust us to respect that we weren’t supposed to enter this room? Or maybe someone had just forgotten to lock it.

Pushing on the door, I cringed when the hinges gave a
creak.
I glanced around quickly, then decided the hell with it. I shoved open the door and stepped inside.

No one was there.

I switched on the light and dimmed it. An ancient mahogany desk sat in front of a massive fireplace. The mantel was stone with feral-looking wolves carved into it at either end. I guessed that they symbolized Dark Guardians watching over the treasures. The room was huge with ornate brocade chairs and carved wooden chests scattered throughout. I could envision the elders sitting around and going through the treasures tucked away in the chests for safekeeping. Leather-bound books lined the shelves on two of the walls, but those weren’t the books I was interested in. The one I cared about was in the glass case on a stand in the corner.

I set my backpack in a chair. Striding by the desk, I grabbed a stone paperweight, fully prepared to do whatever was necessary to get at that book. I’d worry about the consequences later. I knew I was being rash, but I was also desperate. But when I got there, I saw no lock, only hinges. Could it be that simple? That unprotected?

Carefully I lifted the glass lid. A breath of relief rushed out of me. I could do this without leaving any evidence behind. Setting the paperweight aside, I reached in and closed my fingers around the ancient tome. It felt as though it weighed a ton as I lifted it out and carried it to the desk. Carefully, with respect, I set it down. Taking a deep breath, my heart pounding so hard that I couldn’t hear anything except for the blood rushing between my ears, I very slowly turned back the cover.

And stared at the indecipherable symbols.

Had I truly believed that an ancient document would be written with modern letters and words?

I turned to a page at random. More garbage.

I wanted to scream! I wanted to tear out the pages, I wanted to destroy—

“Oh my God, you’re back!”

With my heart leaping into my throat, I jerked my head up to see Lindsey standing there. She was dressed in shorts and a tank, her long blond hair flowing around her shoulders. She looked different. More confident, more
mature, more…wolfish. Before I could respond, she rushed across the room and hugged me tightly.

“I’ve been so worried,” she said.

I wanted to lash out at her, shove her away, but at the same time I wanted to draw her closer, absorb the comfort that she didn’t even realize she was providing. I knew she’d acquired what I’d so desperately wanted. Did she even appreciate what it was to shift?

With her brow furrowed—no doubt because of my less-than-enthusiastic greeting—she leaned back and studied me. “Are you all right? Was it horribly painful?”

More than you can imagine.

I rolled a shoulder as though I couldn’t be bothered. “No biggie.”

“I thought the pain was going to kill me.”

“You were always a wimp.”

“Not anymore. I’ll show you my fur later if you’ll show me yours,” she said teasingly.

God, I wanted to weep and I never cried. It made me mad that I was changing but not in the way I’d expected. I fought to keep my voice calm, noncommittal. “We’ll see.”

Then the significance of her words struck me. “Wait. You were with your mate. I didn’t think it was supposed to hurt.”

“For a while I wasn’t with my mate.” She licked her
lips, suddenly looking uncomfortable. That made two of us.

“Rafe is my mate,” she blurted.

“So tell me something I don’t know.”

“You already heard?”

I didn’t want to tell her that I’d seen Connor earlier. Just like my inability to shift, my few moments of connecting with him weren’t meant to be shared. Besides, they probably had only meant something to me. By tomorrow he will have forgotten our talk by the brook—except for the part about the snares. Anything intimate, though, would be long gone. “No, but Rafe has that whole looking-at-you-like-you-hang-the-moon-and-stars thing going. I knew you were going to end up with him.”

“Wish you’d told me. I was so confused, but now…I don’t know how I could have ever thought he wasn’t the one.” She shook her head. “Still, I feel bad about Connor. He deserved better.”

Yeah, he did
. But I wasn’t here to give her grief or question her decisions. She and Connor had been friends for most of their lives. I knew it couldn’t have been easy for either of them to suddenly find themselves needing to go in separate directions. I’d been giving her a hard time all summer because I didn’t think she and Connor were right for each other. But that was over. We had to move forward.

Lindsey glanced around suspiciously now that the
thrill of finding me alive had worn off. “Brittany, what are you doing here?”

I met her gaze, the guilt gnawing at me. “Nothing.”

She looked down at the thick leather-bound book. “That’s the ancient text. What have you done?”

“I just wanted to read about our origins,” I said.

“Without permission? That’s a sacred book, the only copy we have. Only the elders have the right—”

“To hell with the elders.”

She stared at me. “Brittany, we should leave.”

“Not until I have answers.” Maybe there was an English translation somewhere—on the shelves or in one of the chests.

“Is it about finding your mate?” Lindsey asked.

I released a brittle laugh. And then the impact of her words hit me full force. Gave me hope. “Oh God. Do you think that’s what it was? Do you think it’s because I didn’t have a mate?”

“What are you talking about?”

Damn it. I couldn’t stop the tears. They were warm going down my cheeks. I didn’t want to, but I had to tell someone. I had to share this horrible disaster. Lindsey and I had been friends for years. She was the closest thing I had to a best friend. “I didn’t transform, Lindsey. Nothing happened.”

She simply stared at me. No words of comfort, no
reassurances. But I respected that she wasn’t trying to lie to me.

“Are you sure?” she hesitantly asked, her voice quivering with the unease she couldn’t control.

I glared at her. “It’s kind of a hard thing to miss.”

“I thought maybe you passed out or something. We can retain our shape if we’re sleeping, but not if we’re unconscious.”

“No, pain wasn’t the issue.”

She looked as though she might be ill. She wasn’t the only one whose stomach was roiling. Gingerly I touched the brittle parchment. “I thought maybe there was something I was supposed to do, some ritual to perform, some words I was supposed to say.”

Lindsey shook her head. “I don’t think so. I mean, I started to feel it, like, almost all day. My skin got really sensitive.”

“I didn’t feel that. I didn’t feel anything at all. What’s wrong with me, Lindsey? Why didn’t I transform? Is that why no one claimed me? Because all the guys could sense that I’m a freak?”

“You’re not a freak,” she insisted. “A lot of people can’t—”

“They’re not us. They’re not like us!” I clamped my mouth shut. The fear and the horror of what I was needed its own voice. It didn’t even sound like me yelling.

Lindsey looked as calm and cool as always. She couldn’t truly understand the frustration and disappointment I was feeling. She had it all: the guy she loved and the ability to shift.

“This is unheard of—someone not shifting. You have to talk to the elders,” she said. “They’ll know what to do.”

She lived in such a dream world. “No, they won’t. And I don’t want anyone to know. I shouldn’t have even told you.”

“I won’t tell anyone, but, Brittany, someone will figure it out. I mean, shifting—it’s what we do. You should at least tell Lucas.”

Lucas was our fearless leader, the one in charge of the Dark Guardians and our pack of young wolves. Earlier in the summer, he’d connected with his true mate, Kayla. They were madly in love. That was the way it was supposed to happen with us. We were supposed to be willing to die for the other person. I wanted that level of commitment. I shook my head. “How could this have happened?”

“Maybe they made a mistake on your birth certificate. Maybe your birthday is wrong.”

Despite the fact that I’d clung to that hope briefly, hearing Lindsey say it out loud made me realize how ridiculous it was. “Get real. You think my mom doesn’t know when my birthday is? She was kinda there, you know?”

“Okay, so that was a desperate search for a reason—but there has to be a reason and someone, one of the elders, will know what it is,” she said.

Angrily I wiped away my tears. I didn’t want her sympathy. I didn’t want her trying to solve my problem. I’d always been independent, taken care of myself. “I’m being such a girly-girl. The next thing you know, I’ll be wearing pink.”

“Nothing wrong with pink.”

“I’ll figure it out. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer. Yeah, that’s probably it.” Closing the book, I gave her a wry grin. Our relationship had been strained for most of the summer—mostly because of how I thought she was being unfair to Connor. But there had been more. Just an underlying sense that she’d been changing in ways I hadn’t. I’d sure gotten that right. “I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult lately. I just haven’t felt like myself. And I’ve felt even less like myself since the full moon.”

“That’s okay. You were right about me and Connor. My feelings for him weren’t as intense as they should have been and it totally wasn’t fair to him. He could probably use a good friend right now. Based on how worried you were that he was making a mistake with me, I got the sense that you really like him. I’m not standing in the way now.”

“Why would he want someone who can’t shift?”

“Two wounded souls?”

I couldn’t help myself. I smiled at that. “God, you’re so Romeo and Juliet.”

“What would it hurt? To just talk with him, I mean?”

I already had, but again I didn’t want her to know. “I don’t know. Maybe. Promise me, on your sacred vow as a Dark Guardian, that you won’t tell anyone about me.”

“I won’t.” She made an X over her heart. It was a childish gesture, but it actually brought me comfort. “Cross my heart. Besides, it could just be a temporary glitch. Maybe you need another moon cycle.”

I wanted to believe that’s all it was. I glanced around. “What were you doing lurking around this hallway anyway?”

“Taking a shortcut to meet Rafe. He’s out guarding the perimeter and getting a little lonely.”

“You should go then if he’s expecting you.”

“Yeah.” She took a step back. “Are you going to be okay?”

Nodding, I sniffled. “Yeah. Whatever the reason, I’ll find it.”

After she left, I put the book back in the glass case. Using the edge of my shirt, I wiped away the prints, not that it would probably do any good. If the elders came to this room anytime soon, they’d catch my scent.