Darkest Day (StrikeForce #3) (27 page)

“When they’re dangerous, yeah.”

I stared at him. And then I stood up. “I think I should get going.”

“Jolene, come on,” he said, standing up. I reached for my coat and he stepped toward me. The look on my face must have been enough, because he didn’t bother coming any closer. “Look, we can agree to disagree about this. You think they’re great, I think they’re going to be the death of all of us. Okay?”

“And that’s fine. But you just sat there and said, flat out, that you’re fine with the police hauling off and shooting people for nothing more than being different.”

“Their job is to keep us— you know what? You’re right. Okay? Can we talk about something else?”

“I have to work early,” I muttered.

“What kind of place do you work where a security guard needs to be there early?” he asked. I’d told him before that I was a security guard. Close enough, I guess.

“A bank,” I said.

“Look, don’t leave like this. You’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

I took a breath and looked up. “You know, ‘you’re blowing this out of proportion,’ goes right along with telling a woman to calm down or doing a fake-ass ‘I’m sorry you’re upset’ non-apology when you fuck up. I am not blowing anything out of proportion. Maybe the guy who just sat there suggesting that innocent people get shot because of something they can’t help was the one blowing things out of proportion, hm?”

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Now you think I’m an asshole.”

“Nah. I’m like ninety-eight percent sure you’re an asshole,” I said.

“Does it mater that one of those freaks caused my best friend’s death?” he asked. His jaw was clenched, his posture tense.

“Dude. One of those super powered freaks caused my mom’s death. You don’t see me talking about killing them all.” Just one of them, I thought to myself. And even that one, I wasn’t so sure I could go through with in the end. “Grow up. Move on. Stop being blinded by fear and hatred.” I pulled my coat on and zipped it. “Thanks for the coffee.”

I walked out of the coffee shop and headed toward the bus stop.

Well, that had been disappointing. So why was I smiling? Why did I feel lighter, when really I should be so pissed I wanted to punch his stupid perfect face? I thought about that as I walked, as I waited at the bus stop, as I settled into my seat and stared out the windows without really seeing anything. And then it hit me: I’d held myself back from him, when I had every single reason to fall into his arms when we’d first met. Other than that kiss, I hadn’t let him get close, even though he wanted it. He’d seemed perfect in every way, and I hadn’t been drawn in only to have my heart ripped out when it was too late.

I hadn’t done the stupid thing. Something in my gut had kept telling me to hold back, and I’d listened…

And I’d been right.

I was aware that I was probably grinning like an idiot. It was stupid, how much relief I felt. I mean, imagine if I’d gone through everything I’d gone through with Killjoy, only to turn around and make another mistake with yet another guy who seemed perfect at first sight? I’d had that doubtful voice, warning bells going off about Killjoy at first, but I’d ignored it because he’d been so mysterious and charming and big and dangerous looking, and like an idiot I’d started falling for him. Something in me had listened to those warning bells about Justin. And I was so grateful I had. I didn’t believe for a second that Justin was as bad as Killjoy. He was wrong, of course, and small-minded, and possibly a little bit sociopathic, but not evil. Not anywhere near a Killjoy level of evil. If there was a continuum of evil from, say, butterflies to Killjoy, Justin was on the butterfly half of the spectrum. But I’d still had enough sense to be wary.

And when I’d had warning bells go off about Ryan, I’d been careful. I’d found answers instead of blindly hoping he wasn’t evil.

Of course, it would have been a hell of a lot better in every way if I’d been smarter the first time around. I knew that. But, damn, did I need a win, and this felt like one. I’d dodged a bullet.

Ha, a bullet. And he’d wanted the police to shoot supers. Cute.

I pulled my phone out and messaged Jenson.

Are you around?

A few moments later:
Yep. You OK?

I messaged back:
You’re not gonna believe this. Justin — that carpenter? He hates supers.

Response:
You already knew he didn’t like SF.

I answered:
Yeah, but he just said he thinks cops should shoot all supers on sight.

I waited a bit longer this time, and then a longer message appeared:
I was trying to collect myself. What an idiot. Is he still breathing? You didn’t clobber him did you?

I grinned and messaged back:
Nah. He still doesn’t know.

It took an instant before she messaged back:
GOOD. Can’t even believe that guy. So, are you okay? Really? You seemed freaked out earlier.

Yeah. On my way back now.

Good. I need you. I’m about to kill James.

I shook my head.
Wait til I get back and I’ll help you.

Haha. Just get back here. I need to vent. And I need ice cream. And then maybe we can clobber him.

I shook my head and sent a thumbs up emoji, then stuffed my phone back in my pocket.

When I got back to Command, I found Jenson and we locked ourselves in my suite with large bowls of ice cream from the dining hall and ended up watching
Jane Eyre
while she vented about how much she hated having James around. Once she’d gotten it all out, we’d laughed and then started talking about the tech David was working on. Then she asked about my fight against Render and I talked a little about how my coordination seems to come and go when I’m fighting.

“Your walking seems to be better,” she said. “You had a kind of shuffling, weaving walk for the first few weeks after that fight with Maddoc. Now, you walk noticeably slower than you used to, but you look steady.”

“I don’t feel steady. If I’m tired, I’m pretty sure I don’t look steady at all.”

“Well, you do a good job of hiding it.”

I grinned. “That actually makes me feel better.”

“Good. Of course, who needs to walk when you can fly? David wants to time you sometime. It seems like your flying speed has picked up a bit.”

“I think that’s my power compensating again, like the power punch thing,” I said with a shrug. “At least, that’s Caine and Dr. Ali’s theory.”

“It’s a good one.”

We sat around a while longer and started watching the movie again.

“Jolene,” Jenson said after a while.

I sighed. “You always decide to use your ‘this is totally important’ voice when there’s about to be a swoony part.”

Jenson threw a pillow at me. “I hate the swoony parts,” she said with a laugh.

“Oh, come on! When Rochester tells Jane that he feels like there’s a thread connecting his heart, his soul to Jane’s, you don’t feel a little bit gooey?” I demanded.

“Gooey? Are you kidding me? And are you forgetting that the guy has his poor wife locked up in the attic?”

“You may have a point,” I said. “Still sweet, though, even if he’s kind of a douche.”

Jenson was watching me closely.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh, Christ. Let’s not, okay? What are you looking at me like that for?”

She’d been kind of lounging back against the other side of the couch, and she sat up. “You still believe in stuff like this,” she said, nodding toward the TV.

I didn’t answer.

“After what you’ve been through, you still actually like the idea of that.”

“Liking the idea of it and believing it’s possible are two different things,” I said.

She seemed to deflate a little, and it hit me that she wasn’t asking about me this time. I hid a smile. David might have a chance, after all.

“Not the answer you were hoping for?” I asked, and she shrugged. “Well, what the hell do I know? Maybe it’s possible for you. James was a toad, maybe somewhere along the line you’ll find someone worthy of you.”

She got a bit of a sly smile on her face. “And what’s going on with you and Caine? Anything?”

My mind flashed back to that morning and what he’d said on the elevator. “No. Nothing’s going on there.”

“But—“

“He got hurt because Killjoy thought he meant something to me,” I said quietly. “He’s my partner. End of story.”

She was watching me, a stern, irritated look on her face. “And he’s fine. Are you seriously going to let goddamn Killjoy dictate your life for you?”

“Once he’s dead, I’ll be able to breathe. Until then…” I shrugged. “I’ve already lost too much, and his attack against Caine made me realize that I can’t get complacent. I need to finish this.”

“What if he stays hidden? Are you going to do this forever?”

I sighed. “Do what forever?”

“Punish yourself. Refuse to take what you clearly want.”

I didn’t answer, and after a few moments, she went on. “Have you talked to him about any of this?”

“I’m kind of avoiding him right now.”

“Why?”

I rolled my eyes. “He wants more, and I don’t think give him that.” She was about to say something and I shook my head. “Do you have any idea what it did to me to see him like that? To know that I was the reason why?” I clamped my mouth tight against the way my stomach twisted, just remembering the blood, that waxy pallor when he was in surgery. “I can’t do it again. I can’t have anyone else I lo— anyone else I care about targeted to get to me,” I said quietly. “The best place for him is away from me.”

“And where does that shit stop, Jolene?” she asked. “What about me? I’m your best friend. Maybe you should start avoiding me, too. And probably Dani, since you obviously have a bond with her and you two have grown close in your mourning. David, for sure, because you’re friends and he could get targeted.”

“I probably should. Or you should be avoiding me.”

“This is so goddamn unlike you,” she said, standing up. “I can’t believe you’re doing this. You’re letting that manipulative, cowardly piece of shit run you.”

“Temporarily,” I said, glaring at her. “He’s not going to be able to hide from me forever.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “And what then? Once you’ve won. Maybe those you were trying to protect have moved on, and it’s just you. Is it worth it?”

The idea of Ryan loving someone else, doing the things with anyone else that he said he wanted with me, hurt a hell of a lot more than I thought it would.

“They’ll all still be alive,” I said, shoving the thoughts away. “Lindsey has a thing for him.”

“Lindsey is a child and you know damn well he doesn’t think of her like that.”

“Maybe he should.”

At that moment, there was a knock on my door. Jenson got up an answered it, and a second later, she waved Ryan in. He stood there, watching me, a look in his eyes that I could only describe as “dangerous.” Like he either wanted to cuss me out or kiss the hell out of me. It was remarkably like the look in his eyes that day against Render.

“I, um. I should get going, I guess,” Jenson said.

“Enough of my pep talks for tonight, huh?” I asked with a small laugh, even though my stomach was doing somersaults.

“Yeah. Thank you for not saying I’d find a prince,” she said wryly.

“Ugh, who wants a prince? Some pampered little pretty boy?” I felt a smile start, and I tried to force it back. “Nah, I think you like the kind of guy who’ll talk nerdy to you.”

She stood up. “Okay, that’s enough of that,” she said, laughing. “You need to go to sleep. We’ll be here around ten for tomorrow night’s mission.”

“Jenson,” I said. I stood up as well, trying not to laugh. “You know I love you, right?

“I love you too, you insufferable pain in the ass,” she said, and I blew her a kiss. She rolled her eyes and opened the door. “Later, Caine,” she called, then let herself out with a wave.

Which left me alone in my apartment with the one person I’d been doing everything in my power to avoid. I was going to kick her ass.

Ryan looked away from me, shook his head, and walked to the windows. “The last thing I was trying to do was listen in on you. I don’t believe in doing shit like that.”

My stomach twisted. “Okay.”

“But David and I were coming up from the gym and he wanted to check on Jenson because he was worried about her. Said she seemed down or something. So we knocked on Jenson’s door, and I heard you. And I walked away. And I spent about a minute in my apartment before I came back here.”

I sat down and clasped my hands in front of me. He kept looking out the window.

“I knew you were avoiding me. I mean, that much was obvious. I figured I moved too fast, telling you how I felt this morning. That I scared you off. Maybe I was wrong, and you don’t feel the way I thought you did.”

I didn’t answer. Jesus, why did I want to cry? Something in his voice felt like it was reaching straight into me, calling me to him. He turned and looked at me. “But that wasn’t it. You’re avoiding me because you think it’ll keep me safe from fucking Killjoy.”

“He called me a couple nights before it happened. Going off about you again. Not for the first time,” I added quietly, and he raised his eyebrows. “He always thought there was something going on between us. And he said that his informant told him how close we are,” I finished quietly. “That’s the mole I suspected. I told you about that.”

I risked glancing up at him. He was still watching me with that look in his eyes, his entire body tense.

“You heard enough, undoubtedly, to know that this isn’t something I can do now,” I said, gesturing weakly between the two of us. “And anything you were feeling this morning—“

“Don’t. Just don’t,” he snarled, and I clamped my mouth shut. “Don’t even think about telling me what I feel for you.”

“I can’t do this. I can’t risk it.”

“I can take care of myself. I’m not willing to let a psychopath change how I live my life.”

“Well. You should probably go find someone else to live your life with,” I said.

“Maybe Lindsey, huh?” he asked, his voice downright frigid.

“Maybe.”

He looked up at the ceiling and wiped his hands over his face, which was one of those things he did when he was frustrated. “You’ve got me so fucked up I can’t even stay mad at you,” he said after a while.