Death Wish (21 page)

It was late. The club was closed to the public for the coming day – sunrise was just a few hours away – but the building was by no means empty. The party never really stopped; it just changed.

I could feel the energy pulsing inside. I knew Kale would come here. He wasn’t going to be content with what he’d taken from me. Before he was lost in a blood-drunk haze, I needed to see him, if only to make sure he wasn’t going to do anything stupid.

Arys was furious with me in that severe, quiet manner that reveals a far deeper anger than if he’d just yelled. His refusal to accompany me inside served to emphasize further his seething rage. Despite my attempt to assure him I would be fast, he had muttered obscenities beneath his breath and slipped off into the dark to prowl for a victim to take the edge off.

I understood that need now. It was the only time I found peace anymore. Every time my world started to come apart, the promise of freedom in the kill taunted me. The pull was getting harder and harder to resist, and I was starting to ask myself why I bothered when madness held the promise of liberation.

The crowd had thinned down to a dozen or so. Those who would pass the day screwing and bleeding were already in the den of debauchery in the back. I did not intend to go back there.

The darkened atmosphere was welcoming, inviting me to slip through the shadows like so many others had tonight. We all sought something here. Escape from pain, hunger, loneliness. What we would never find was solace. Mine stood across the room, nuzzling the throat of a convenient redhead he had pressed against the wall.

Kale’s head snapped up as he sensed me. I turned away quickly, cowardice quickening my pace. Sliding in behind the unmanned bar, I helped myself to a bottle of whiskey. Sure. Why not? Who needs a stinkin’ glass anyway? 

As the first swallow of whiskey burned its way down my throat, I risked a glance around. Kale’s lady friend rubbed herself against him provocatively. I didn’t want to watch, didn’t want to feel the bitter bite of jealousy. He wasn’t mine. I knew that on a conscious level, but deep within me, I didn’t believe it. Wrong. So wrong.

Feeling my gaze upon him, Kale turned in time to catch me staring.
Shit.
With a stony expression, he grabbed the redhead’s hand and led her through the club to the back hall. They disappeared beyond, and I burned with misplaced envy.

A few scorching shots of liquor hit me with a pleasant buzz. With the heat of the booze warming my insides, I embraced the false comfort it offered. Maybe it had been a mistake to come after Kale.

I was about to leave when he returned. He stormed up to me with anger burning in his brown and blue eyes. I greeted him with a raised bottle and a cynical grin.

“That didn’t take long. Don’t tell me you killed her. I don’t even want to know.”

He glared at me with darkness in his gaze. “You walk in here like my favorite blonde nightmare and expect me to even be able to think about someone else? What are you doing here, Alexa?”

The power sparked between us, lively and hot. I felt Kale’s anger burning through me, and it brought a naughty smile to my lips.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a drink.” I followed that with another swig of golden liquor. “If you’re expecting me to apologize for saving your ass, then I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.”

I fixed him with a steady stare, daring him to let me have it. This had been building for weeks now, since our night together. What happened tonight had pushed it too far, and now came the inevitable backlash. I was ready for it.

“You didn’t save my ass,” Kale fumed, his tone low and deadly. “You made an arrogant decision based on Shya stroking your ego. He’s trying to appoint you as some kind of vampire queen, and you’re letting it happen. You’ve gotten too power-crazed for your own good.”

“That’s bullshit.” I was stunned by his allegation. “I couldn’t stand there and watch him tear your head off, Kale. He put the choice in my hands, and I chose not to watch you die.”

“Selfish.” He spat the word in my face. Wild emotion fed his energy until it reached out to me with a stinging slap. “You don’t want me, yet you think you have a right to decide my fate. It doesn’t work that way.”

His rejuvenated power smacked me, and I gasped. The surface sting gave way to a low burn that tickled its way down my spine.

“Is that what you want this to be about? Us?” I forged ahead with my defense. “It wasn’t about us. It was about not letting Shya hurt you.”

Kale leaned in close, his face inches from mine. “It was about us. I saw it in your eyes, that fear for me. A fear that only stems from love. And, love is nothing if not selfish.”

“I did what I had to. I saved your life. I won’t be sorry for that.” My temper was starting to flare. His accusations were hitting some nerves that made me uncomfortable.

“I would rather have died.”

At his confession, I went cold inside. My gut reaction was to shield tight, to block him from sensing how much his words had hurt me. Keeping it from showing in my eyes wouldn’t be so easy. The best way to hide my pain was to allow it to become anger. The whiskey coursing through my veins helped.

Through clenched teeth, I snarled, “I’m sorry you’d rather be dead than have me show affection for you. If you need to hate me to make this easier on yourself, fine. But, I will not feel bad because you’re not dead right now. You have no right to expect that of me.” I pinned him with a reproving stare. “If you’d been the one to decide my fate, would you have let me die?”

For a moment I was afraid he’d say yes. I saw the hard set to his jaw and the ice in his eyes. With an exasperated, “Fuck,” he shook his head, and his gaze dropped. “You know I wouldn’t.”

“Then don’t you ever again ask me to watch you die.” My voice trembled.

Silence fell between us. Kale slid onto the barstool next to me. As close as we sat to one another, we were worlds apart. I knew then with sobering certainty that we were forever changed, irreparably damaged.

“I can’t live with the fact that you owe Shya in my place. It isn’t right.” Kale didn’t look at me when he spoke. “Your other half must be waiting. So, why are you here drowning your liver in whiskey?”

“Because the alternative is messy.” I picked at the label on the bottle I held as that truth fell from my lips. Booze was a poor substitute for blood.

Sitting beside Kale with his honey-drenched energy, I couldn’t help but think about the night we’d killed Abigail. That night was coming after us now, with a vengeance. The memory steered my thoughts down that forbidden path to the night we made love in the rain. I was reminded of the deep satisfaction that could be found in the pleasures of body and blood. I blushed and turned away so he wouldn’t see.

Awkwardness settled in to steal my words. There was a good chance I’d say something we’d both regret, so I bit my tongue and sipped my whiskey.

“I’m sorry about what happened with Shya.” Kale broke the silence between us, with a gesture toward the dragon on my wrist. “It’s not right that he marked you because of what I did.”

I shrugged and held him with a watchful stare. “It’s not right that you pulled a stunt that got us into a situation like that.”

He stiffened, giving away so much in that small motion. I was sure, if I dropped my shields and let his warm energy wash over me, it would be flavored with pain and rage. The emotions lurked there in his eyes. Kale felt betrayed because I’d refused to give him the easy out that he sought.

How the hell was I supposed to feel guilty about that? My intent had been to save him. Maybe he didn’t want to be saved, but he had no right to punish me for refusing to pull the trigger.

“I did what I did for you. And, the dreamwalker. It wasn’t supposed to blow up in my face.” With a deadly calm, Kale took my hand in his. He studied the dragon before running a finger gently over it. “I understand why you made the choice you did, Alexa.”

A fiery tingle raced up my arm, and my breath caught. He had done all he could to avoid touching me in recent weeks. Now he caressed me boldly, stirring a part of me to life that I’d tried so hard to vanquish.

I knew how passionate Kale’s touch could be. The way it felt to have his hands upon me, holding me tight while he buried himself inside me again and again. I felt the memory shining in my eyes and hoped he wouldn’t see it. 

 “I think I understand,” he continued. “I know your intentions were good, but I can’t help but feel… betrayed. That run-in with Shya got pretty bad, and it worries me. What if it’s worse next time?”

 “It won’t be; Shya got what he was after. Look Kale, I know nobody holds a grudge quite like a vampire.” A growl laced my words. “But, I will not feel bad about this. I won’t!”

Desperation tainted his heady energy. I gave up trying to shield against him. It felt so much better to let him in.

Kale’s gaze dropped as if he couldn’t look into my eyes when he said, “I wish we could take everything back and have it be the way it was before.”

I stared at him with shock and dismay. His words hurt. “What gives, Kale? You’ve been a very willing participant so far. Don’t you dare accuse me of seducing you. I’m not taking the blame for anything else tonight.”

He released my hand suddenly, as if touching me was painful. “If only it had been as simple as that. This isn’t lust. It never was.”

No, it never had been. My anger deflated, and I no longer wanted the illusion of escape the bottle allowed me. I shoved it away with a sigh.

I didn’t know how to react in this situation. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the possibility that my choice to save him from Shya may have been the wrong one.

“So what do you want from me, Kale? I can’t take it back. I don’t even want to. And, I sure as hell won’t kill you myself.”

His eyes flashed with annoyance. “You can’t take this seriously, can you? Never mind. I should know better than to expect you to understand.”

 He got up and turned to go. I grasped his wrist with more force than I intended. Our energy collided, creating a spark that lit up the area around us. Our eyes met, and the anger burning in Kale’s enchanting gaze slipped away.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I blurted, pulling my hand back. Something in those amazing eyes led my thoughts down a forbidden path. “I should go.”

 “Let’s go somewhere quiet.” Kale took my arm and steered me along. “This isn’t the right place to talk privately.”

“In the back?” I dug my heels in. “Where you have your own private little playroom? No way. Bad idea.”

“Not in my room. Just in the hall.”

I let him pull me through the door that separated the club from the madhouse. We entered into a dimly lit sitting area furnished with a few bistro tables and two black leather couches.

A hallway branched off either side. One way led to the back of the building, to the bedroom where Shaz and I had killed Arys’s sire, Harley. That had been a hell of a night. The opposite end of the hall led to the parking lot exit. That door was rarely used by anyone except those frequenting the back rooms.

The lounge area was empty; everyone was lost in his or her own private world behind the closed doors lining the hall. An array of differing energies swept through as if pushed by a sinister breeze. Fear, lust, hunger. That was just scratching the surface. Goosebumps broke out on my skin in response to the sense-stirring atmosphere.

Kale pulled out a chair for me at the closest table, but I shook my head. I couldn’t sit still. Instead, I stood behind the chair, gripping it until my knuckles turned white. Kale perched on the arm of a nearby couch. He’d put a good six feet or more between us, evidence that the swarm of pulsating energy was teasing his senses, too.

“Now,” he gestured for me to speak. “You have a lot on your mind. Let’s hear it.”

“I feel like I’m going crazy,” I began, my words coming in a rush. An invitation was all I needed to let it all spill out. “It’s like I’m breaking down, and I can’t save myself from what’s coming. Lilah put the hit out on me. My sister comes back from the dead. My relationships with men are all kinds of fucked up, and I can’t help but think it’s because I fucked my mother’s lover. Where does Freud stand on that one?”

“You can’t beat yourself up over that. It was a long time ago, and you didn’t know.” Kale said softly. “You’re the strongest person I know. Strong enough to make a deal with a demon to save someone you care about. Weak people don’t do that shit, Alexa. Weak people don’t have hits out on them.” 

“I’ll bet a lot of crazy people do.” My lower lip trembled, and before I could censor myself, I was telling him everything: the twin flame revelation, Shaz’s bad reaction to it, my internal conflict over my sister and why she had never told me she was alive.

Kale listened attentively, showing no emotion or reaction as I spoke. His poker face was good, not so much as a twitch during the twin flame stuff.

 “I shouldn’t be dumping this all on you. I’m sorry. It’s been pretty overwhelming.”

“Of course it has. That would be enough to break most people.” His head tilted slightly, as Kale regarded me thoughtfully. “You aren’t most people, Alexa. You can handle it. Besides, it’s all good news for the most part. Your sister is alive, and now you know where your bond with Arys comes from. You should be happy.”

My inner cynic wasn’t too quick to agree. From the look on Kale’s face, he didn’t find any joy in what I had shared. Still, a silver lining could be found if I could look beyond the gathering storm clouds. It didn’t all have to be bad. What I’d needed most was to get it off my chest, and now that I had, I was already feeling better.