Deep Surrendering: Episode Six (10 page)

M
aybe going to Fin’s apartment while having so many conflicting thoughts about him wasn’t the best idea. But his place was a sanctuary. Surrounded by his things, I felt the same as when I looked at the jellyfish. Deep calm.

I walked from room to room, finally ending in his bedroom. I turned off the lights except for the enchanted chandelier, and sat on the floor. To my left was the drawer that he’d freaked out about. I pulled it open slowly and peeked in. Yup, everything was still there.

The blindfold, the rope, the other instruments of his sexual preferences. I ran my fingers over them carefully, as if they’d bite me. But of course they didn’t. They only intrigued me. We’d done some of these things, but I knew from a little internet research that we could go much deeper.

I stood up and went to his closet, to the dresser where he said he kept some of his other things. The drawer wasn’t locked, and I figured if he didn’t want me to know about it, he wouldn’t have told me.

After a brief walk through, touching his suits and shirts and ties and smelling his scent, I opened the drawer.

Oh. Well now. There were a lot of things that I didn’t recognize, and some things I did. But there were no knives, no chains, no instruments of torture. Just pleasure. Well, I supposed if you used them correctly. Anything could be a weapon if you tried hard enough. The drawer was lined with silk, and I brushed my hand over some of the items. They were all clean and well-cared for. I wondered how much use they’d gotten. I looked for a few more seconds and then closed the drawer.

Nothing scary in there. In fact, my skin tingled as I thought about using some of these items with Fin when he came back. Maybe I could surprise him and pick a few things out and have them ready for him.

I knew if I was with someone else I wouldn’t want to use these things. But I trusted Fin in the bedroom. I trusted him with my body. My heart was another story.

I spent the night at Fin’s. It seemed like the right thing to do, for some reason. I made a late dinner and put on some more of his jazz music as I flipped through some of his books. I hadn’t noticed before, but all of them had bookplates.

The Library of Fintan Herald.

I traced his loopy signature with my finger then put the book back on the shelf. He had an organizational system that I would never understand, so I was careful not to disturb anything.

I knew Chloe was right about him. About us. About letting things take their natural course. There were only two ways it could go. Either I’d be with Fin, or I wouldn’t be. Black and white. Yes or no.

Thinking about it that way made it seem so simple. I guess it was, really.

I made myself a cup of tea and swayed a little to the music. I didn’t know if Fin was going to call me tonight. I had half a mind to ignore him if he did. Or maybe not. Maybe I would just tell him that I didn’t want to talk right now. It was hard to get some perspective on him when I was talking to him so much.

I needed some breathing room.

But he didn’t call, so I just took a shower using the shampoo and conditioner he bought me, dried my hair, and crawled into his bed. His sheets still smelled like him.

I brought my phone with me in case he called really late, but it remained silent.

Closing my eyes and snuggling further into the pillows, I let myself drift off, imagining I was a jellyfish.

My jellyfish dreams were interrupted by a buzzing coming from my phone. I blinked a few times and picked it up, squinting at the screen. Fin had messaged me. It was nearly three in the morning, so he would be getting up right about now.

Where are you?

I read it a few times to try and figure out the tone of the message, but I couldn’t figure out why he was asking. He knew it was the middle of the night. I was in bed. Where else would I be? I thought about not answering him, but there was an urgency in those three words that I couldn’t ignore. There had to be a reason he was asking.

In bed.

His response took a few minutes, and I’d started to drift off again. God, I was tired. I needed to sleep for a week or something to make up for all the late nights spent talking to Fin.

I needed a break from us, at least for a few days. As soon as I could talk to him in person, I was going to tell him I needed some space. And not actual space, since we already had that. I needed to rethink some things and figure my shit out.

Are you at your place?

Honestly, why did it matter?

No. Yours.

I hoped my irritation would be obvious. Most of the time I was okay with his controlling tendencies, but this was ridiculous.

He didn’t answer, and I pushed the phone away from me. I should just turn it off, but I couldn’t. I was always afraid someone would call me in the middle of the night for an emergency, and my phone would be off. Guess that was a bit paranoid, but it had happened to people before. Better safe than sorry.

A sound other than my phone woke me again, but this time it was almost morning. The light in the room had taken on that hazy quality of just-past-dawn light. I blinked and looked down at my phone. No new messages. What the hell had Fin been texting me about? I was going to have to send him a message and ask him what the hell.

But then I heard the sound again, and as my brain woke up, I realized someone was knocking on the front door. I had a déjà vu experience from when Carl showed up to take me to class. Ohhhhh. That was probably why Fin wanted to know where I was. He was sending Carl over to pick me up. But why had he decided this in the middle of the night?

Nothing was making sense. But Carl wouldn’t stop knocking, so I got out of bed, putting on one of Fin’s shirts. I slept naked, mostly because Fin’s sheets were so nice on my bare skin.

I made sure the robe was cinched tight and my chest wasn’t hanging out before I stumbled to the front door and opened it without bothering to look through the peephole.

“Good morning, Marisol,” Fin said.

And now a bonus scene from
F
in…

I wasn’t sure how she was going to react when I showed up at her door. I was taking a huge risk. My father wasn’t happy with me for that little day off I’d taken. I still hadn’t heard the end of that, and I knew he was going to be punishing me for it soon. His favorite punishments were the surprise ones. Lull you into a false sense of security and then drop it on you.

It was a far better punishment to live constantly in fear. That could be punishment enough sometimes.

But she had an expression on her face the other night that I just couldn’t stand. It was hopelessness, and it destroyed me. So I told my father I had something to do and got on a plane as soon as I could, and prayed that nothing caused me a delay in getting to her.

One of my connections was ten minutes late, and I nearly bit the flight attendant’s head off. If I hadn’t been sitting in first class, she might not have put up with it. But I didn’t care.

I had to get to her. To see if she was okay. To make sure we were okay. I needed to see her. To feel her. To remind myself she was real and not just a figment of my wildest imagination. Most of the time it felt that way, but my twisted mind never could have conjured someone as good as Marisol. As sweet. As trusting. I saw it in her eyes the first night we were together. That absolute trust. It had scared me at first, but now it thrilled me. Made me feel almost high. Like the high I used to get from drugs, only so much better.

I hadn’t brought any bags with me, just my computer, so I rushed from the Logan airport straight to the waiting Town Car. Carl didn’t seem surprised to see me.

“She’ll be happy to see you,” he said, but that was the only mention he made of Marisol. I went to her place, naturally, but she wasn’t there. I had a brief moment of blind panic, and then I texted her. It was the middle of the night, but I was running on adrenaline. The jetlag hadn’t kicked in yet, but it would soon. I just had to get to her first.

She messaged me back that she was at my place, and I exhaled in relief. It made me happy she was there. Carl drove as fast as he could, and I got there but couldn’t go up.

I sat in the car for a long time. Carl got out, leaning against the hood. I’d been so eager to see her and now I was scared. What if she decided she didn’t want to see me anymore? What if the distance was too much? What if, in the time that I’d been in the air, coming to see her, she’d made up her mind to end it?

I finally got out of the car and looked up at the building, staring at the window that she was on the other side of.

“She’ll be happy to see you, Mr. Fin,” Carl said again. He just nodded at the door. “Go see your girl.”

I slowly walked towards the door, my mouth getting drier with every step. My hands started shaking, so I shoved them in my pockets.

I was probably pretty gross from flying on a plane and not sleeping and not changing my clothes, but I didn’t care. I had to see her.

I took the elevator up to my place, and took a deep breath as the doors opened. Walking to my door seemed to take a lifetime. I thought about just walking in, but I didn’t want to startle her.

So I knocked on my own door. And waited.

And knocked again.

And waited.

Maybe she wasn’t here. Maybe she was still sleeping.

But then I heard her bare feet against the floor, and the door finally opened.

There she was.

She took my breath away.

Don’t forget to check out

Deep Surrendering

Episode 7

when it comes out on September 18th