Deep Surrendering: Episode Six (7 page)

I did. Except for missing him, it was the best. Not having responsibilities for one day was something I hadn’t experienced in a while, and something everyone needed now and then.

“I loved it so much. Thank you.”

“You’re so very welcome, Mari Cherry.”

“And thank Carl for me. He’s the best.”

Fin nodded. “He is, absolutely.”

I sat back in the bath and switched the phone to my other hand. “So, how was your day of not freedom?” I was sort of joking. “I was a little worried about you, honestly.”

He shook his head and leaned back in his chair. I could tell he was in his office in Germany. Or in someone’s office in Germany, judging by the furniture behind him.

“I’m fine, Marisol. I can take care of myself. I have for a long time.” His tone was tight, and I knew I was stepping on dangerous territory if I continued that particular line of conversation. So, in honor of my day of freedom, I let it go. I didn’t want to fight with him today.

“You know, you need to angle the phone down juuuussssttttt a little,” he said, holding his hand up to show a little bit.

I looked down. The water was sloshing just below my breasts, and he probably couldn’t see them since they were out of range of the camera. Honestly.

“Hey, this is my day. You had yours yesterday.”

“And I didn’t get to see you naked yesterday. I was kind of hoping you’d send me some pictures or at least a short video.”

I rolled my eyes. I drew the line at sexting, because you
never knew
who could get a hold of your phone. I didn’t want there to be a permanent record of my nudity.

“Fine,” I said, sitting up a little and angling the phone down. “Happy?”

“I would be if I was with you and could touch you. You’re so lovely, Marisol. Has anyone ever told you that?”

Sure, I’d been complimented, but he took it to an entirely new level.

“Maybe. But I like it when you say it.”

I shifted to get more comfortable, and the water sloshed around.

“Why didn’t you use my tub?” Fin had an absolutely beautiful tub with jets and everything that was almost the size of a swimming pool, but I’d forgotten about it, actually.

I shrugged. “Don’t know. Just didn’t. There’s nothing wrong with my apartment.” It wasn’t much, but I paid for it myself. My parents had wanted to get me a place, but that would have cost me too much in other ways.

“I never said there was. I just want you to know that you can go to my place whenever you want. That’s why I gave you the key.”

“I know. I still can’t believe you did that. I’m shocked you didn’t think I’d snoop.” I hadn’t, for the record. He might have given me a key, but that didn’t mean I had the run of the place. I wanted to respect his privacy.

“I knew you wouldn’t.” He said this with complete confidence. Wow. He was trusting for a guy with control issues. Or maybe there wasn’t anything at his place that I could find.

“But if I did, would I find anything?” I asked.

He thought about that for a second. “Well, you already saw a few things in my drawer. There’s more in my closet in that dresser, if you wanted to look.” I steered clear of his closet, since there was a separate dresser that I used for my stuff. And I hadn’t gone back in the drawer since he freaked out the first time. Even though he wasn’t living there now, I just couldn’t do that. Not unless he asked me or said it was okay. Which, I guess he had, but still.

“But what about embarrassing pictures or other personal stuff?” I asked, pressing on. The bubbles were starting to pop, and soon my fingers and toes were going to look like raisins.

He took a moment to answer. “I don’t keep a lot of those things around.” Clearly, he didn’t want to talk. I wondered if he maybe had a secret location where he kept that stuff. I mean, how would I know if he did?

“I was just wondering. I’m not trying to sound like a stalker or anything. Sorry, that was weird.” I sunk lower in the bath so the water covered me.

“No, no, it’s a valid question. I know you’re not asking maliciously.”

“No, I’m asking because I’m nosy, and I want to know everything about you,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Well, I can’t blame you, I guess. I want to know everything about you too.” Was he sure about that?

“Everything?”

He nodded. “Everything.”

“You don’t want there to be even a little bit of mystery?” Most people did.

“Mystery is overrated.” I forgot I was talking to a control freak. Of course he would want to know everything. So he could have the upper hand. Not in a bad way. Just in a … Fin likes to know everything way.

“Oh, I’m in favor of mystery. It keeps life interesting.”

“It makes life complicated.”

“Says the man who is constantly cloaked in mystery. You’re such a hypocrite, Fin Herald. But it’s okay. We all have flaws.” I gave him a smile so he would know I was joking.

“I suppose.” The water started to cool, and I definitely needed to get out.

“Okay, well I’m going to let you go. Thank you for today. It was lovely.”

He finally smiled at me. “You’re so very welcome. Goodnight, Marisol.”

“Sweet dreams.” He ended the video chat, and I set my phone down on the edge of the tub, lay back, and closed my eyes for a minute.

A thought had entered my head during our talk, and I couldn’t get rid of it. Yes, Fin told me about some of his secrets and his awful childhood, but was there more? What if he was hiding things that were even worse?

I couldn’t even imagine.

I let myself sink under the water, and I stayed there for a moment, but soon I had to take a breath. My head broke the surface, and I wiped bubbles out of my eyes.

I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t let myself go down that negative path. So much for my day of freedom.

M
y thoughts were unsettled that night, and the next morning I had to deal with the consequences of my previous day of freedom. It hadn’t been free, that was for sure. I had a bunch of emails waiting on me, and I spent an hour answering them before I had to go to class. Fin’s email had worked to get me out of class scot free, but I had notes to catch up on and two meetings worth of minutes to look over.

By the time I started to sort things out, I was nearly late for class.

“Shit,” I said, and rushed to grab my bag, dashing out the door. So much for relaxing yesterday. I wasn’t going to get much of that today.

I found a spare moment to call my parents, but no one picked up so I left a message saying I was helping with another fundraising group and wanted to know if they’d donate. They had so many times before, so it wasn’t an unusual thing to call them about. I kept the message casual, but I was really just checking up on them.

The uneasy feeling I had about Fin last night continued to nag me. There was still so much I didn’t know about him, and he was the kind of person who could bury secrets if he wanted.

God, I was just being paranoid. I really was. I had to stop.

I pushed the thoughts aside and went on with my day. I had to. I couldn’t let my head go off on a crazy tangent that would lead to nowhere good. Shut up, brain.

Rory texted me asking if I wanted to meet up with Sloane and Chloe at the bar for open mic night. We usually went every Friday night, but I’d been skipping a lot lately.

I’d enjoyed emergency girls’ night (even though I got completely drunk), and I knew I needed to get out of my own head and back into the world more. Watching drunk people try and cover bad pop songs was just what the doctor ordered. I would probably miss talking with Fin that day, but he’d understand.

I wrote her back that I was totally in. At least I had that to look forward to tomorrow night.

Right after Rory messaged me back saying she was excited, Sloane called.

“Hey, what’s up?” I said as I walked back to my apartment from a café where I’d picked up a latte with an extra shot so I could stay awake and do some homework (and stay up so I could talk to Fin).

“Not a whole lot. Just busy with work. Things are really coming together. I might have something else ready for you. Just wanted to see if you had any developments in your own love life. Rory is disgustingly happy, and I’m just wondering if you’re in the same boat.”

Well, what did I say to that? Sure, I was happy, but I bet Rory’s relationship was far less complicated than mine. Sure, she ran the risk of getting caught banging her assistant, but her father was the boss. He’d definitely let her get away with it. No way Mr. Clarke would fire his own daughter.

I’d met him more than a few times, and he was everything I wished my own father would be. Yes, he gave his daughter a high-ranking job at his company (which some might consider too high on the nepotism scale), but only because she wanted it and had worked for it. She loved her job (even before her sexy assistant started working there), and they had such a sweet relationship. I loved seeing them together, but it still made me jealous.

“Um, hello? Did I lose you?” I realized Sloane was waiting for an answer from me. I’d gone off on a thought tangent and hadn’t answered her.

“No, sorry. I was just thinking about something else. Anyway, no, I’m not in Lovey Land like Rory. Fin and I are taking things slow. We haven’t even defined anything yet. He’s not really a relationship kind of guy.” Yeah, I had to cut myself off there before I said too much.

“Sounds like he’s trying to string you along, if you ask me, if you haven’t had a conversation about if you’re his girlfriend or not by now.”

Sure, I knew where she was coming from, but this was definitely a different situation. I asked Fin if we could remain exclusive when he traveled, and he agreed. So that was a commitment to stay with only me. That was good enough for me. Besides, I hadn’t asked him to call me his girlfriend. I didn’t need a silly word to define how he felt about me. He told me every time he called me. He told me yesterday when he planned that entire day. It was in everything he did and the way he looked at me, and how his voice softened and how he smiled. It was obvious.

“No, it’s not like that. We’re both trying to keep things … I don’t know. It’s working for us. But the moment it’s not, I’ll talk to him about that. We have a very open communication.” At least I thought we did.

Shut up, negative thoughts.

“Uh huh. Well, whatever. Just make sure that you’re actually okay with it, and you’re not just telling yourself you’re okay with it.”

It was definitely the former, and I told her that. She didn’t seem convinced, but she didn’t need to be. I wasn’t going to get on a soap box and defend what I had with Fin. It only mattered to the two of us.