Deep Surrendering: Episode Six (8 page)

“You can all just shut up,” Rory said, her cheeks the color of a tomato. We were all teasing her mercilessly about her drunken declaration to Lucas. Or Lucah, as I learned he liked to be called. Weird, but okay. I’d call him whatever he wanted to be called.

It was love, pure and bright as day. I tried not to be envious. It seemed so easy for her, with the exception of the work complications, and those could be fixed.

But she was smiling and so damn happy.

“How about we put the spotlight on Marisol instead? I’m not the only one with an interesting love life.” All eyes turned to me, but thankfully my interrogation was interrupted by Rory’s phone.

“I’m going to take this,” she said, giving me a quick look before she headed outside. A young twenty-something took the stage and started to sing a Christina Perri song. Or at least that was what it sounded like. She slurred all the words together and didn’t seem to know how to enunciate.

Rory came back in a few minutes and grinned at me.

“That was Fin. He says to tell you ‘Tom Hanks.’” Really? Fin had called Rory? That was a little … okay. She had known him longer than I had and they were friends. I looked down at my phone, but he hadn’t sent anything to me. I rolled my eyes at the Tom Hanks reference.

“Okay, explain,” Chloe said, gesturing with her hands.

I shook my head. It was so stupid, and I didn’t think they’d get it anyway.

“It’s nothing. Just a lame inside joke. Seriously, it’s nothing,” I said, tipping back my glass and finishing my sangria.

My phone buzzed with a new text from Fin.

Sorry I didn’t call you first. Talk later?

I smiled to myself and sent him a message back that I was looking forward to it. My friends were still asking about the Tom Hanks comment.

Telling them it was lame didn’t dissuade my friends. They bugged me and bugged me until I told them to stop and headed to the restroom to take a minute to breathe.

Chloe was standing outside the door waiting for me.

“What’s up with you? Normally you tell me everything, and you’ve been so closed off lately. The only thing I can attribute it to is this new relationship of yours.”

I opened my mouth to deny it, but I couldn’t.

“It’s complicated,” I said. Terrible explanation.

Chloe crossed her arms. “Then explain it to me and make it uncomplicated.”

She wasn’t going to stop, and I didn’t want this to drive a wedge between us. I didn’t think Fin would want that either.

“Fin’s just got a lot of things … in his past that he’s been telling me about. I’m not going to tell you what they are, but suffice it to say that they’re heavy and not something you would share with just anyone. We’re building trust together, building a relationship. I guess I don’t want to talk about him because I’m afraid I’m going to say too much, or blab or something. That’s all.”

Chloe listened and thought about that for a moment.

“Is that really it?”

I nodded. “Yes. If you even knew what he’s been through, Chlo. It breaks my heart.” She pulled me in for a hug, as if I was the one with the tragic past.

“He’s good to me, Chlo. And he makes me happy, believe it or not.” I gave her a smile, and she returned it.

“I know, I can see that. I just worry about you. That’s my job as your best friend. To not trust anyone else you spend time with.” She patted my back and let go.

“I really wish I could tell you, so someone else would know besides me. It’s … it’s a lot to hear about and think about. I know I didn’t go through it, but even if I heard about these things happening to a stranger, I’d be upset. He didn’t deserve it.” And now I wanted to cry.

Chloe gave me a sympathetic look. “That sounds awful. I wish I could help.”

“Yeah, me too. But it’s been a struggle to get him to trust me with anything. I don’t think he’d be willing to share it with you. But maybe I’ll ask.” I knew he would say no, but maybe not. He’d surprised me more than once.

“I
didn’t know if you were going to call me today,” I said late that night when Fin finally called me via video chat. I was trying not to be jealous about the Rory thing, but it was hard.

“Sorry, Mari Cherry. Busy day. My father was … anyway. The reason I called Rory and not you was because I was asked to. I tried to argue with him, but it didn't go very well. Not that I minded calling her. She’s a good friend and fun to talk to, but she’s not you.” Oh, got it. I knew that Rory’s parents and Fin’s parents had tried to get them together with no success. Maybe they were still trying.

“Apparently, the annual Clarke Enterprises Ball is coming up and my father wanted me to see if I could secure an invitation as Rory’s escort,. I’m pretty sure she’s going with Lucas, but he thinks she’s going to drop him and come to me. I had to call her, even if we didn’t talk about that, just to save face. I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me?”

I tried to keep my face and voice neutral. “Well, I mean, I’m not thrilled about it, Fin. Why can’t you just tell your father that it’s your life and you’re an adult and you can do what you want?”

He was silent for a moment.

“I’m so sorry. I’m going to be better.”

I wanted to believe him.

“Show me. Don’t tell me,” I said.

He nodded.

“Forgive me?” he asked again.

“Yeah. But don’t do it again.” I shook my finger at him and cracked a smile. He smiled back, relieved.

“Good. Because you have nothing to worry about. I’m trying to be the man you want me to be.”

I frowned. “No, that’s not what I want. I want you to be the man you
are
. That’s the guy I want. Don’t change yourself for me, Fin.” It was crazy that I even had to say that. I’d fallen for him, dark and light alike.

“I guess that came out wrong. I … I want to be better than I am because you deserve better.”

I opened my mouth to argue with him, but he put his hand up.

“I’ve done a lot of, well … not so good things. Some of them you know about and some you don’t. I thought I’d be dragging them along with me for the rest of my life, like Jacob Marley and his chains. With you, I feel almost new. Like my past doesn’t define who I am. It’s still there, and I can’t always escape it, but I have moments of freedom. And it’s glorious.” He grinned, and I couldn’t help but smile as well.

“That’s all I want for you. Freedom. Complete and total.” From his father and his obligations as well. But if I could even give him a little, that was good. “What would give you complete freedom?” I asked casually.

“You know the answer to that, and it’s not going to happen. I know you think I’m strong enough, but … it’s just not going to happen. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t know if I’m up for the fight.” He was so defeated. So beaten down after so many years. He didn’t have any fight left.

“But what about me?” My voice was so quiet, I could barely hear it myself. The words slipped out before I had a chance to reel them back in.

He turned his head to the side, as if he was a little confused for a moment. “Are you going somewhere?” he asked, almost joking.

I shook my head slowly. “I just mean … if you’re not free, completely free, then can you really be with me?” It was a thought I’d buried so far back in my mind that it hadn’t been able to completely take form until now.

It was a valid question. What if Fin had to choose between me and his father? Who would he pick? I knew the answer right now, and it didn’t make me happy.

It broke my heart.

“Hey, don’t think that way. Things are good with us, right? You’re happy?” Yes. I was. But not as much as I could be. “What if it isn’t enough?” Our relationship hadn’t stood the test of time. Yes, we’d already been through a lot together, but I had a feeling the worst was yet to come.

“We don’t have to talk about this now. Wait for me to get back and then we can talk about it, okay? Just because I’m not with you doesn’t mean I’m with someone else. I only want you, Marisol.”

Oh, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to swallow those pretty words he was trying to feed me.

“Sure,” I said, and put on a smile.

My talk with Fin was anything but satisfying. The two of us were doing well (with the exception of a few bumps and detours), but we were nearing a crossroads. I could feel it.

I needed to talk to someone. I had my phone in my hand and contemplated calling Chloe, but it was so late (or early, depending on how you looked at things) that I didn’t want to wake her up.

I waited until the morning and sent her a message asking if we could meet for lunch and talk.

I’d never felt so … off-balance before. It was a confusing feeling and I didn’t like it. Fin liked control. I’d lost mine.

“Whoa, who died?” Chloe said. Her not-so-subtle way of telling me I looked like crap. Totally understandable since I didn’t get much sleep. Too much thinking about how it would wreck me to end things with Fin. If I even should, or if I was just being dramatic. Relationships were work, and I was probably just looking for a reason to bail. I spent the night thinking in circles, and I needed another person to tell me if I was crazy or not.

I gave Chloe a glare and she gave me a hug before sitting across from me at the outdoor café table.

“What’s wrong? Did Fin do something?”

I shook my head. “No, I just … I was thinking last night about our relationship and how it’s not … complete. I mean, how can we ever be together if we’re not together?”

Chloe was able to follow my crazy thought train. She knew me too well.

“I thought you weren’t defining things, and now you’re talking about marriage?”

“No, not marriage. Not even dating. Just being together. Look, could you be in a long distance relationship? Always being apart except for a few weeks? How can you move forward if you’re not going in the same direction? And what if we did decide to be together? He’d never give up his job. Sure, I could travel around with him, but what kind of life is that? I just … I guess I just started thinking too many thoughts, and I need you to help me sort them out.” I took a breath because I’d said everything in a rush.

“You seemed so confident when you talked about him before, but I get where you’re coming from. I’d feel the same way. I guess you have to ask yourself if the benefits outweigh the shitty stuff. Is being with him worth dealing with the distance?”