Defaced: A Dark Romance Novel (14 page)

Eighteen

Lily slid down
the wall and onto the floor. She sat, her knees bent, feet on the floor, her forehead rested in her hands. Her breath still left her body in small gasps, her hands trembling.

What the hell had just happened?

Did he want her because he cared about her, or was this a purely ownership thing? One moment, she felt like she was getting through to him, that he opened up to her for a fraction of time, before he shut back down. He put on a hard front, but she saw the cracks of pain inside him.

That he was hurting was no surprise, considering what he’d been through.

She imagined Monster as small boy, no more than five years old, how confused and alone he must have been. How could any child thrive, not only hidden away from the world, but also believing he was something horrific? It broke her heart to think of him without a mother, and with a father he both loved and feared. Impotent anger rose up inside her, wishing she could go back in time and save the boy-Monster, and punish the father, but such a thing was impossible.

You’re the one who needs saving now,
the little voice in her head said, but she pushed it away.

How could she go back to her old life now?

She had no idea, but surely that was what she still wanted? Lily searched inside herself for an answer. She didn’t want to feel like a prisoner, but at the same time she hated the thought of leaving Monster. Would she condemn him to jail and herself to a life without him if the opportunity arose?

She didn’t see Monster again for the rest of the day. Marianna brought her a meal of rice and pork, but didn’t mention her leaving the room. Lily didn’t know whether to be pleased or disappointed. Part of her wanted to see Monster again, while the other part of her was mortified by what had happened. He brought out something in her she hadn’t even known existed, but now it had been released, she couldn’t shut it back in again. She replayed the events over and over in her head, remembering the things he’d said to her and had made her say. She brought to mind the feel of his lips on her skin, and the look in his eyes as he’d brought his fingers, covered in her cream, to his mouth and tasted her.

Her cheeks flared with heat at the memory, but she couldn’t help the erotic thrill that raced down through her stomach and condensed in a pulse between her thighs.

With a sigh, she tried to push the feeling away.

She shouldn’t be thinking about sex. Serious things had occurred here today. Business associates of Monster had tried to attack the house. Bullets had been fired, and someone could have gotten hurt.

Monster wanted his birthmark corrected in order to go and face these men.

Lily didn’t know how she felt about that. While she wanted Monster to feel confident enough to step outside of this house and let people see him, she didn’t want him to get himself killed.

She kept herself busy with one of the books from Monster’s shelves, but struggled to concentrate on anything. Eventually, she fell into a deep sleep, and only woke to use the bathroom, before crawling back into bed again. Her dreams were sexual, him pushing his fingers inside her, his face buried between her thighs. She came in her sleep, crying out, though her cries went unheard. The dreams ran into one another, muddled and blurred. She dreamed of Monster, but his face was free of any blemish. He was different in himself; he smiled and laughed with her, reached out to touch her cheek with the backs of his fingers. He was gentle and affectionate, and he seemed happy.

This is the man he could have been,
she thought in her dream.

An overwhelming sadness filled her. If he’d been allowed to grow up as a normal human being, if he’d not been burdened with the birthmark that had taken up half of his face.

But no, she’d treated enough people in her life who were well adjusted, despite their birthmarks. It was Monster’s upbringing that had made him the man he was. His father was responsible.

Or perhaps what he said was true—that he was a monster both on the inside and out. Nature versus nurture. Perhaps his genes were also responsible for who he was.

What if his cruel streak was simply in his blood?

***

She woke to
the door opening.

Thick-headed with sleep and confused from her dreams, she pushed herself to sitting. Monster walked in, a tray held out in front of him. The rich aroma of coffee filled the room, together with the warm scent of freshly baked bread.

Lily pushed her hair out of her face. “What did I do to deserve breakfast in bed?”

He sat down on the edge of the bed and slid the tray onto the mattress beside her. “You need your strength.”

Instantly, suspicion rose inside her. “Why?”

“Because we’re going to have a second session with the laser today.”

She sighed and pushed away the tray. “You haven’t healed enough yet. It’s only been a few weeks.”

“I’m healed enough. There’s no pain, and even the sensitivity has faded.”

“Just because it looks healed, doesn’t mean it has completely. There are layers to the skin you can’t feel.”

“It doesn’t matter, Flower. I’m running out of time. You were here yesterday. You got a glimpse into my world. I need to have the face of a man who can be trusted.”

She stared at him in earnest and took his hand. He glanced down at their joined hands in surprise, but didn’t pull away.

“You have a face they can trust,” she said. “Your birthmark doesn’t matter.”

“I just want people to see me for me, not for what’s on my face.”

“They will. You just have to give them time.”

He shook his head. “I don’t have time, Flower. They’re going to take over my business. They want to wipe me out.”

“Why does having the birthmark removed make any difference if that’s what they’ve already decided?”

“Because some things can’t be negotiated via email or phone. I need to meet with these men face to face, reason with them. But if they see me like this they’ll pity me and ridicule me. I don’t want or need their pity, I only want their respect.”

“If you show them how strong you are, despite everything, they’ll have to respect you.”

“You’re wrong. These men don’t take time to see beneath the surface. They judge instantly.” His tone softened. “It’s already faded, you know. I’m amazed at what you’ve done, though I know I’ll never be perfect.”

“None of us are perfect.”

He twisted on the bed to face her. “What about you, Flower? What is it about you that makes you any less than perfect? You talk to me about keeping myself away from the world, but you’ve done the same. Perhaps you faced your patients, but emotionally and physically you’ve kept everyone at a distance. I saw the files from your therapist, remember?”

Her stomach churned. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to speak with him about her past.

“I had my reasons,” she said, eventually.

His dark eyes searched hers. “What reasons? How is it I was the one to bring you here, and yet now I feel like you know more about me than I do about you?”

Why couldn’t she bring herself to talk about it? The pain was something she balled up tight inside of her and held deep. By talking about what had happened, she worried the ball of pain would swell as it rose, and swallow her completely. Part of her couldn’t bear to think about the past, but the other part of her couldn’t bear not to.

Ignoring Monster’s questions, she took a gulp of the now cooling coffee and stood from the bed.

“Haven’t we got work to do?” she said, lifting her eyebrows enquiringly.

“We do?”

“Yes, if we’re going to have another session with the laser.”

He paused, and then gave a slow nod. “Very well. But don’t think your secrets are hidden from me forever, Flower. I’ll get you to talk eventually.”

Lily didn’t answer. Instead, she headed into the bathroom to freshen up.

“Aren’t you going to eat your breakfast?” he called to her.

She walked out of the bathroom and headed to the door. “I’ll eat when we’re done.”

Nineteen

Lily prepped the
clinic, switching on the laser and making sure she had gloves and protective goggles ready.

Monster entered the room and took his place, lying on his back on the surgical bed.

Lily picked up a tube of the anesthetic cream. “I assume you’re not going to want me to use this?”

He glanced over at what she held in her hand and shook his head. “You assume correctly.”

“You’re not proving anything to anyone by suffering, Monster. You’ve already been through enough pain.”

“I thought you’d gotten to know me well enough by now to realize you’re not going to change my mind.”

She exhaled a frustrated sigh. “Well, maybe I don’t like hurting you.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “You should enjoy hurting me. After everything I’ve put you through, you should take pleasure in it.”

“Don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind. Now, shall we get on with this?”

She handed him the protective glasses and he slipped them onto his face, before closing his eyes. The tint on the glasses was enough for her to see through. It gave her a moment to take in the sight of him without him drilling her down with that cool stare of his. His dark lashes lay against his cheek, the thick brows groomed and framing his eyes. His square jaw was tight with tension, and she could make out the shadow of beard growth right beneath the skin. His lips were slightly parted, and she could see the glint of white teeth beyond. Though he was gorgeous, it wasn’t his features that drew her attention the most. Instead, her gaze flicked over the birthmark running down the center of his forehead, skirting the side of his straight, fine nose, and passing by the corner of his lips. He was right when he’d said it had already faded. She could see spots where the almost black purple had been reduced to a dark pink. But she was terrified that he’d set his sights too high. She’d never be able to make him look like a regular guy walking down the street. Even after a full course of eight treatments, there would still be areas of the birthmark that would remain pink and a different texture to the rest of his skin.

She didn’t want to let him down, but now she discovered her fear of failure had less to do with her concern about what would happen to her, and more to do with how disappointed Monster would be.

He was expecting miracles she was unable to perform.

One of his eyes slowly opened and locked on her face. “What are you waiting for, Flower?”

“Sorry,” she muttered, and turned back to the equipment.

Knowing what to expect this time, Monster had already cleanly shaven his face, so Lily just applied the conductive gel to the area.

Holding the laser wand in her right hand, she placed her left hand on Monster’s head, right above his temple. “Hold still,” she told him. “You know this is going to hurt.”

Lily inhaled slowly and shakily through her nostrils, and began the treatment.

The laser clicked at a rapid rate as the beam of light penetrated Monster’s skin and destroyed the blood vessels which caused the birthmark. She tried not to focus on how his jaw tightened, his lips pressed together. She tried not to see how his fingers curled white around the arms of the chair.

A lump formed in her throat, her vision blurred with tears.

She blinked them away. She couldn’t do her job properly if she couldn’t see what she was doing.

Monster sucked air in over his teeth and winced.

Resolute, Lily put down the laser. “Okay, I’m not doing this. I’m not hurting you just because you get some sick thrill out of it.”

He pushed himself up in the bed. “You think I get a thrill from pain?”

“Yes.” She didn’t intend on mincing her words.

“It’s not that I get pleasure from this, Flower. It’s that I don’t deserve anything less.”

“You need to stop blaming yourself for what your father did to you. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Perhaps not, but the years that followed have been. Don’t think for a moment that I’ve been living like a saint here since he’s passed.”

Her cheeks heated. She knew what he was saying. He was telling her there had been more prostitutes, that his work meant people were hurt, perhaps even killed.

Sudden anger boiled inside her. It was an anger which stemmed from many things—from the terrifying experience he’d put her through to bring her here, to her treatment when she’d first arrived, to her anger at him for not becoming a changed man once he’d found himself free of his father, to the anger she felt at a man she’d never met. A man who had thought it was okay to keep a child locked away from the world for the simple fact he was born with a port wine birthmark. Her rage swept through her like a forest fire caught on a wind, burning all other emotions from her soul. If he wanted to be punished so badly, then she’d give him what he wanted, and she’d use the satisfaction of doing so to put out the fire.

“You know what, you do deserve the pain.” She reached out and pushed him in the chest, shoving him back down on the bed. “Now keep the fuck still.”

She steadied her hand, knowing she couldn’t work on him if she couldn’t control the trembling that wanted to work its way through her body. She pressed down hard on the side of his head with her other hand, her fingers knotting in his hair. She tried not to think about the softness of the strands, or the way he was looking at her—as though she’d suddenly made him unsure if he could trust her.

Good,
she thought, bitterly.
That’s how I feel about you all the time.

She started the laser again, the machine clicking across his skin with the piercing light, eradicating the blood vessels that caused his dark birthmark. She pressed her lips together, her chin trembling, as she saw the pain in his expression. He didn’t fight it, he accepted it, and that made things all the worse.

He deserves this
, she told herself.
After everything he’s done, he can take a little more pain.

But if that was the truth, why was it breaking her heart to hurt him?

***

With the treatment
complete, Lily handed Monster a new supply of the cream he would need for his skin, and he took her back to her room.

“What happens now?” she called even as the door was shut in her face and locked. She huffed out an angry breath. “Damn it!”

Monster had barely spoken to her since the treatment. Had he picked up on her anger toward him? Surely he couldn’t blame her for that, considering everything he’d put her through? Stupidly, she couldn’t stop the guilt from rising inside her. She hadn’t done anything wrong, yet she couldn’t pretend she hadn’t taken at least a little satisfaction in the pain she’d caused him.

You abused your position.

No, she hadn’t. She hadn’t done anything he hadn’t asked her to do.

Frustrated she’d been locked back inside her room, she did her best to occupy her time and thoughts. She showered, read, slept, and ate the meals that were brought to her, but when the hours stretched to days, she started to worry. She was reduced to banging on the door, shouting out Monster’s name. Where was he? What was he doing? Had she angered him so much that he’d revoked all of the rights he’d offered her recently?

Movement came at the door, and Lily’s heart leaped, hoping Monster had finally come to her. The door opened, but instead of Monster walking through, Marianna bustled in, a bowl of food on the tray in her hands.

“Marianna,” she said, clutching at the other woman’s arm as she set down the tray containing her lunch. “What’s going on? Why hasn’t he been to see me?”

“I’m sorry, Miss. Sir is busy with work.”

“Yes, I understand that,” she snapped, “but that hasn’t stopped him seeing me before. Is he taking care of his skin?”

She bobbed her head. “I believe so, Miss.”

Lily huffed in exasperation. “What about Tudor? Where’s he?”

“He’s busy as well, Miss. I’m sorry.”

Lily appraised the smaller woman. She could push right past her and head out to find Monster herself.

Marianna’s eyes widened, as though she’d read exactly what had passed through Lily’s mind. “Please, Miss. Don’t. You’ll get us both in trouble.”

Lily paused. “What did they do to you, Marianna? Were you stolen and brought here, like I was?”

Genuine confusion passed across the older woman’s face. “No, Miss. I wanted to work for Sir. I lived a life of great poverty before I came here to work. He’s good to me.”

“But you know he’s imprisoned me, though? I never asked to be brought here.”

She didn’t meet Lily’s eye. “I know that, Miss. I’m sorry, but it was necessary. He needed your help.”

“But I’m not helping him locked in this room!” she cried, starting to feel desperate.

“I’m sorry,” Marianna said, backing out of the room.

“No, wait!”

But the older woman moved with surprising speed, darting back out of the door and pulling the door shut with her. Lily slammed into the wood, her fingers grappling for the handle, but no sooner had she wrapped her hand around it than she heard the click of the lock clicking into place.

She balled her fists and slammed them against the wood. “Monster!” she yelled. “Come and face me, you coward! Let me out of this god damned room!”

Furious, she spun around. She wanted to take her rage and fury out on something—anything. He’d kissed her, been intimate with her in a way she hadn’t been with anyone for ten years, and then he’d locked her back in here and forgotten about her.

With a scream of rage, she tore the sheets off the bed, picked up one of the pillows and threw it at the wall. She kicked out at the heavy, wooden chair, but only succeeded in hurting her bare foot, so she reached out and shoved the chair over. It hit the floor with a crash, but still her fury hadn’t dissipated. She needed to destroy something, rip something to shreds until she was left panting and exhausted.

Her gaze scanned the room and finally alighted on the shelf of books.

Not giving herself time to think, she ran over and shoved her hand into the shelf. With a swipe of her arm, she sent the books—mostly hard-covers, and a few paperbacks—fluttering to the floor. Like a starving man to a meal, she dropped to her knees and picked up the first book she came to. The covers flapped open, and she took a handful of pages in her other hand and tore right down the middle.

With a crazed howl of delight, she threw the pages into the air and they fluttered down around her like confetti.

I’ve lost my mind,
she thought abstractly, but that didn’t stop her from grabbing the next book and repeating the process, and then another, and another.

So lost in the destruction, she didn’t even notice the bedroom door opening.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Lily glanced up to find Monster standing in front of her. His face was white with fury, his dark eyes even darker than before. His hands were clenched fists at his side.

“I said,” he repeated slowly, biting out each word. “What the hell are you doing?”

The madness finally faded away and she looked around to find herself sitting in a lake of torn paper and jumbled words.

“I ... I … wanted to get your attention.”

“You’ve certainly succeeded in doing that,” he snarled.

Dropping to one knee, he reached out and pulled several of the ruined books toward him.

The rage dropped from his shoulders and he shook his head in dismay. “Oh, Flower. How could you?”

She caught a glimpse of the cover of the book he held so preciously against his body, as though she’d killed his favorite pet.

The Elephant Man.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, and she meant it.

He lifted his eyes to hers. “These books were the only thing I had from my childhood that meant anything. They were the only comfort and joy I had in my life. They were my escapism, and you’ve just destroyed them.”

“Well, perhaps you shouldn’t have put me in a position where I would
want
to destroy them.” She couldn’t help the bite in her voice. “Take some responsibility, Monster. You lock me up in here, and expect me not to retaliate?”

“I had other things going on. I was trying to keep you safe.”

She snorted. “Keep me safe? As far as I can tell, the only person who has ever put me in danger is you.”

He placed the ruined book onto the ground between them, but kept his head lowered. “I didn’t know you then. I didn’t understand what I was doing.”

“Ignorance is not an excuse.”

He lifted his eyes to hers. “And if I let you go now, if I offered to have you flown home, would you go?”

A rush of hot and then cold swept across her body. “Is that what you want? You want me to go?”

“No. I want your answer.”

She wrestled internally with herself. “I don’t like to leave a job unfinished.”