Defiance Rising (32 page)

He pulls my face back from the destruction.
 
“I will be here to help you, no matter what.”

I pull away, withdrawing into myself.
 
“But you can’t.
 
You’re not supposed to.”

Bastien sighs and leans back.
 
I bite my lip, already feeling him retreating.
 
“No matter what happens between us, I will always be here if you need me.”

His voice is thick with emotion.
 
I tuck my legs into my chest and bury my head in my knees.
 
“I don’t know if I can do this.
 
I can’t walk away from you.”

“Eamon will be with you,” he whispers hoarsely.

“He’s not you!” I cry out.
 
“He could never take your place.”

He smiles weakly.
 
“I wish I didn’t love to hear you say that.”

A sob rises in my throat as I close the gap between us, clinging to him.
 
“I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Bastien.”

He sucks in a haggard breath and turns his face away.
 
“Now you tell me.”

“No,” I pull his face back and wait until he looks at me.
 
“You need to know that.
 
I will never stop loving you.
 
Not when I’m with Eamon, or Aloysius.”

I place his hand over my heart.
 
“You will always be here.”

He swallows roughly.
 
“But you love Eamon, too.”

“It’s not the same,” I protest.

He pulls his hand away, curling it into his lap.
 
“Someday it will be.”

“Kyan may think I was created to be with Eamon, and maybe on his world I was, but I know what my heart tells me.
 
I’m meant to be with you.”

“That just makes this that much harder.”
 
His voice cracks.

I sink back onto my knees, knowing that this is the moment I will regret for the rest of my life.
 
Fate is cruel to let me fall in love and then force us to go our separate ways.

Bastien grasps my arms and crushes me to his chest.
 
He presses his lips to the top of my head, breathing in deeply.
 
“I’ll miss this.”

“Me too,” I sob, clinging to him.
 
I close my eyes and try to burn this moment into my memory, something to hold on to when life seems bleak.
 
“I don’t want to let go.”

Bastien sighs.
 
“I wish you didn’t have to.”

I lean back, noticing his vacant gaze has shifted away from me to the charred woods.
 
He has already begun to lock down on his emotions.
 
He’s good at that.

“Kiss me,” I whisper.
 
Bastien’s eyes close as he shakes his head.
 
“Please.”

He growls and throws himself away from me.
 
“I can’t.”

“I won’t be able to let you go if you don’t.”
 
I hate myself for asking, for being weak, but I don’t care.
 
I can’t bear to leave him without one last kiss.

When he turns back toward me, I see his lips are trembling, pleading with me to understand.
 
“And I won’t let you go if I do.
 
Please just go, before I stop you.”

I rise unsteadily to my feet.
 
His shattered heart is all I can see in his eyes now.
 
His shoulders slump as he turns and walks away.

“No!” I cry, racing after him.
 
Bastien pauses but doesn’t turn.
 
I rush around to face him, staring up at him through tear-filled eyes.
 
Cupping his face in my hands, I lean up onto my tiptoes and kiss just to the side of his lips.
 
I whimper as my tears curve down my cheeks.
 
Without another word, I turn and run.

Bastien is gone.

Twenty-Seven

Apologizing to my friends wasn’t an easy task.
 
I know Zahra will never accept my apology, so I didn’t even bother.
 
Aminah was the first to offer a warm smile, always the forgiving heart.
 
She worked on Toren for a several days and eventually he came around, but I have no doubt he will be keeping an eye on me for quite some time.
 
Eamon, on the other hand, was a different story all together.

Although I never saw condemnation in his eyes, I did see fear and no small amount of pain.
 
He was already healed by the time I came back to camp, but there was nothing Kyan could do to mend his troubled heart.

Bastien returned to camp as promised, but stayed to himself that night.
 
By the time I woke up the next morning, his cot was stripped and his clothes were gone.
 
I tried not to let my panic show, but Eamon saw right through me.
 

I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy road but, to be honest, it’s proving much harder than I thought.

The relocation was Bastien’s first sign of withdrawal, but there were many more to come over the next few weeks.
 
He changed his training location, which drove him out into a blizzard when no one else would dare leave the warmth of the fires.
 
He worked harder and longer than any of us, but eventually he was forced to remain at camp.
 

All the while, Eamon watched us, waiting for one of us to slip.
 
I won’t lie and say I wasn’t tempted.
 
To see Bastien’s sarcasm wane and his smile vanish completely is gut wrenching, but his complete refusal to acknowledge my presence has been the worst part.
 
He walks past me as if I don’t exist.
 
He sits with the Caldonians, his back toward me.

He never looks at me.
 
Never hints at a desire to.
 
Each day, as his face becomes drawn and the life in his eyes dulls, a little part of me dies too.

You did the right thing,
Kyan’s voice breaks into my silent nightly musings.
 
The fire crackles nearby and a hearty banter rises from Bastien’s table.
 
I try my best to ignore it, for both my sake and Eamon’s.
 
Bastien knows that too.

My head droops over my cooling soup.
 
I haven’t had much of an appetite over the past few weeks.
 
Eamon has tried to coax me to eat and even braved the blizzard to find me a nice rabbit to stew.
 
I ate half of it just for his efforts, but I can’t stomach food now.
 

I’m too young for this, Kyan.
 
How can I save the world when I’m only eighteen?
 

I know this is not the path you would have chosen for yourself,
he thinks, glancing at me from the end of the table,
but we do not choose our destiny.
 
It is chosen for us.

Yeah, that’s the part that sucks.
 
I sink my chin into my palm.

Kyan’s face betrays his sympathy.
 
We each have our role to play, Illyria.

I turn and look toward the fire, praying Eamon won’t see the tears pooling in my eyes.
 
I don’t how much longer I can take this.
 
Eamon is pulling from one side and Bastien the other.
 
Both are as miserable as I am.
 
How can this be my path, to hurt everyone I love?

There is no answer that can ease your pain.
 
I’m sorry.
 
I wish there was.

I pull away from him, locking him out of my mind.
 
I need to be alone with my thoughts.

Eamon bumps my shoulder.
 
“You ok?”

“No.”
 
I have found that even though the truth hurts, he wants to know.
 
Over the past few weeks, our relationship has been strained, but Eamon has made great efforts to be a shoulder to cry on, even when he’s the last person I should turn to.
 
He knows my pain is still raw, but he waits, with as much patience as he can muster.
 

He is silent for a moment.
 
“Do you want to talk about it?”

I laugh, knowing he can hear the bitterness that tinges it.
 
“No.
 
I think you’ve been through enough of my dysfunctional issues.”
 

I reach over and squeeze his hand.
 
He smiles hesitantly as I scoot closer and allow him to pull my hand into his lap.
 
It’s a small breakthrough, but my heart feels a bit lighter because of it.

He loves you, Illyria.
 
Just give it a chance.

Gee.
 
Thanks, Dad.
 
I call back to Kyan.

Glad to see your sarcasm has returned.

The temptation to stick out my tongue at him vanishes the instant Bastien rises with his bowl and turns to walk out.
 
His gaze lifts off the floor just enough to see my hand tucked into Eamon’s.
 
Bastien’s face darkens and his shoulders hunch over as he rushes to set down his bowl and escape.
 

Perfect.

As soon as the snows begin to melt, Kyan puts me back onto a rigid training schedule.
 
Although I’m thankful to be enjoying the outdoors again, I can instantly tell I’ve grown accustomed to sitting for long periods of time.
 
I’ve become weak and lazy, or so he tells me over and over again.

“Focus,” he scolds, batting the back of my hand for the third time in a minute.
 
“You are supposed to become invisible, not the box!”

I wipe the sweat from my brow, irritated and sore from an entire day of wasted practice time.
 
Once we discovered that I was dismal at levitation and even more so when it came to healing, Kyan moved me on to invisibility.
 
The idea of that even being a possibility is preposterous to me but Jardin, Kyan’s friend is a pro at it.
 
He made me watch him disappear and reappear all morning so I could learn.

“Again!”

I groan and sink down onto the ground.
 
It is cold and moist from the newly melted snow, but I don’t care.
 
I lay flat out on my back, palms pressed against my eyes.
 
“Just face it.
 
I can’t do it!
 
I can’t do any of this stuff!”

“Self-pity does not become you,” Eamon calls as he steps out of our cabin.
 
The collar of his jacket is turned up to keep the biting chill out.
 
He buries his hands deep in his pockets and his breath hangs in the air before him as he leans against the cabin’s front porch post.

“An audience isn’t going to help me,” I say.

Kyan crouches down beside me.
 
I look up at him and scowl.
 
“I suck at this.”

“It’s not your abilities that are backfiring, it’s your brain.
 
We need to find a way to tap into your emotions…” he trails off, scrunching up his face as he falls silent.

“Care to share with the rest of the class?” I ask, intrigued by his sudden change.

“What’s going on?” Eamon calls as he hops down from the porch and approaches.
 
He squeezes my hand before helping me up.
 
Even after nearly a month, this is the full extent of our relationship.
 
Holding hands is innocent, but still weighty enough to riddle my mind with guilt.
   

Kyan rubs his jaw as he rises from a crouch and paces.
 
His feet trample a muddy path through the grass.
 
“Illyria’s training is, I hate to admit, far more delayed than I’d have hoped by this point.
 
It’s not her fault, we just need to find a way to bypass her brain.
 
Try something drastic…”

“And you’ve got a plan?” Eamon asks, giving my hand another squeeze.
 
This one for comfort.

Kyan nods.
 
“I don’t think you’re going to like it, though.”

Eamon waves off his concern.
 
“If it will help then we need to try it.”

The tiny hairs along the nape of my neck rise.
 
Something isn’t settling well with me.
 
Kyan is trying too hard to avoid looking at me.
 

I try to focus on Eamon when he places his arm around my waist.
 
“I know you’ve been scared to use your abilities since you lost control in the woods.
 
Maybe it’s time to try again.”

“We will have to use a trigger that can get past Illyria’s safety guards…” Kyan trails off.

I groan, instantly understanding Kyan’s discomfort.
 
“We can’t ask that of him,” I whisper, shivering at the thought.

“Who?” Eamon asks, perplexed.

Kyan shuffles his feet, his head ducked low.
 
I sigh, hating Kyan for even considering it.
 
“He wants me to work with Bastien.”

Eamon sucks in a breath.
 
“Why would you even suggest that?
 
He makes her volatile.
 
Who knows what could happen!”

“Exactly my point, Eamon.”
 
Kyan steps up to him, staring down his obvious defiance.
 
“He is her trigger.
 
It should have been obvious from the beginning.
 
He is the only one that can help her.”

“No! There must be another way,” Eamon protests.

“What is more important,” Kyan asks, “your pride or helping the girl you love?”
 
Kyan’s question is harsh and brutally direct.

Eamon’s lip curls with disgust and his teeth grind together as he fights to control his anger.
 
“Fine, but just for the record, I’m totally against this idea.
 
It will only cause trouble.”

I have to agree with him, but for very different reasons.
 
It has been over a month since Bastien and I last spoke.
 
I would rather not confront him or the pain I’m trying to hide.

“I don’t even know if he would be willing, Kyan.
 
We’re not exactly speaking anymore.”

Kyan steps between Eamon and me, taking my hands in his.
 
His smile is warm and understanding.
 
“No matter what has happened between you two, you know Bastien would want to help.
 
You just need to ask.”

“But you know what this will do to him and to me.
 
It’s not fair!”
 
I plead with Kyan, praying for any other solution even though I know there isn’t one.
 
We have tried countless ways to tap into my abilities, but each time I lock myself out.
 
Bastien is the only one who can bust through my walls and bring out the Shadow.
 

“It’s your choice, but you know the consequences if you don’t.”