Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (44 page)

We moved on to Portland after that and then we finally ended up home in Los Angeles - where we are now. Calvin and I have made great strides in our relationship since our time in Seattle. Though I can’t say he’s episode free, he’s certainly getting better about it. Public displays seem to be the only thing standing between us.
 

We have two more shows to do and we can call this tour done, and we’re all pretty fucking happy about that. In fact, we all pretty much jumped off the bus in favor of cars and homes. The shows are tomorrow and the day after, so we have a little bit of time to relax, get unpacked and whatnot.
 

“Where are you going?” I ask Cal, who’s driving his car - we’d taken it to the airport when we left for Denver, when I realize we’re not headed toward my house.
 

He looks over at me and smirks, “Home.”
 

I raise an eyebrow at him and remind him, “My house is the other direction.”
 

He laughs, “Well, I haven’t been able to be with you since Seattle, so I’m taking you to the closest place I can think of, my house.”
 

I smile wider. “Miss me that much, do you?”
 

He looks at me as he comes to a stop at a light, his eyes narrow, peering at me. “You have no idea.”
 

“Well, onward, Romeo,” I tease him and when the light changes, he floors it and I burst out laughing. “Easy there, cowboy, you get a speeding ticket and it’s going to take us twice as long to get there.”
 

He chuckles and settles down on the race car driving.
 

About fifteen minutes later, we’re pulling into the underground garage of his building and parking in his stall. When we climb out, he says, “Let’s just grab what we can now, we can come back down later.”
 

I give him a mischievous smirk. “Who says I’m going to let you up later?”
 

He laughs and starts to pull his guitars and my two basses from the back seat. I take his guitars and gently place them over his head, giving him a chaste kiss and a taste of what’s to come upstairs and he smiles. That is the first time, outside of the bus when we knew no one was around, that he’s actually accepted a kiss from me. It makes me smile a little more. Progress, one step at a time.
 

As we finished grabbing the rest of our gear, I get to thinking about his progress and I’m nothing short of amazed at how well he’s managed to put his mind in a different place, letting his heart rule him, more than the demons in his mind. But I worry that it’s temporary and while I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt, I can’t help it.
 

When Calvin snaps, it’s not pretty and I’m more concerned about the emotional state he’ll be in than anything if it does happen again.
 

As we ride up in the elevator, we’re both exchanging glances, torturous ones at that, and time seems to move at a crawl and so does the elevator. My cock hardens in my jeans, desperate to be free of its confinement and into Calvin’s warm, wet mouth. My jaw falls slack as the vision consumes me and I can’t help the shiver that slides up my spine in excitement.
 

“I love it when you start thinking about me like that,” he chuckles.

“Like what?” I tease back as the elevator finally chimes with his floor.
 

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that you ain’t thinking about me sucking your cock.”
 

My eyes widen, how…ah forget it, I go back to thinking about his mouth wrapped around my cock as he leads me down the hallway toward his apartment door.

OPENING the door to my apartment is proving more difficult than I’d intended it to be. Excitement is coursing through my veins knowing that I will be alone with Eric in just a few brief moments. Finally it unlocks and I kick it open.
 

I guess I should be happy that my brothers, Talon and Dex, were occupied with their own significant others, giving Eric and I time to talk when we’d get back on board the bus after a show, but we never really got to take it very far. Though I did sneak into the shower with him one night.
 

As soon as we’re inside, I immediately start to pull off a guitar from my back. From the corner of my eye, I catch Eric doing the same. Watching him hustle through it puts me into motion, propping them on their stand. I grab my two spare stands, the guitars are in my spare room, and set them out for him to put his on. He does and no sooner is he free than he turns on me, pressing against me, holding me to him. His mouth comes to mine in a hot, desperate kiss and I melt into his hold.
 

He holds me tighter as he licks my lips, coaxing me to open for him and I smile, kissing him back and giving him the access he wants. I shiver, but something doesn’t feel right, I feel…the memory of when I told him about all this slides back into my mind and I remember kissing him while we were…

I wrench myself out of his hold and swallow hard. “Oh god.” My voice is strained, not understanding why I’m reacting like this, reacting this way to him all of a sudden. I swallow again as I gasp for air and clutch my knees to keep from passing out.
 

“What did I do?” he asks in a desperate attempt to understand.
 

I shake my head. “I don’t, I don’t know,” I tell him between pants. He kneels down in front of me.
 

“Talk to me, Cal, tell me what’s wrong.”
 

I shake my head. “I honestly don’t know. I just, I feel all discombobulated, like my body and my mind are not on the same page and I,” I attempt to take a deep breath. “Just give me a minute, please?” I ask him.

He nods before standing up, putting some distance between us, and he falls out of my line of sight.
 

Seeing him disappear settles me, but it settles me for the wrong reasons. Disappointment runs hot and heavy through my heart and I hate it that I did this to him, tonight, after things finally seemed to be falling into place. “Eric?” I shout, calling him back to me.
 

“Yeah,” he says from behind me.
 

“Come here?” I ask, taking a few deep breaths and it’s helping to bring me back. I can finally stand back up. When I do, he’s a couple feet away from me, giving me space, giving me a chance to right myself. “It’s a memory,” I tell him softly. “I didn’t realize it at first, but… that night, the one where I told you?”

I watch as he works through his own memory banks and then the light bulb clicks on. “Oh, oh!” He kind of gives me that funny face.
 

“That night I got worked up, remember, here, in this room. I guess I never thought…I didn’t know that memories like that would trigger me,” I tell him, my heart breaking knowing that I’m hurting him with my issues, but in the same, he seems to understand.
 

What he says next solidifies it. “Your bedroom?”
 

I shrug. “We can try.” But my hesitation is enough to anger him.
 

“Well, then we can very well go back to my place too,” he huffs.
 

“Please don’t be angry with me,” I plead. “I didn’t intend for this to happen, in fact I didn’t even know it would. Eric, think about it, every place we’ve been has been new, has been sans memories and well, now where we’ve been has been good ones, but…but that doesn’t mean that this won’t come back from time to time. I really don’t need you being cross with me for something I can’t control all the time. I didn’t even know I needed to control something until it was too late.” I start to lose steam on my argument and Eric doesn’t seem to have changed his tune very much. “Maybe this was a bad idea. I’ll take you home.” I stand up a little straighter, pissed off at myself for my reaction and even more pissed off at the fact that he’s acting like this.
 

I grab my keys off of the table near the door and his hand stops me. “I’m not mad at you, Calvin, I am never mad at you. How can I be?”
 

His words slide over me, but I feel no relief, no resolution to how I feel about him getting pissed off. “You can be mad at
them
.” The last word is dripping with disdain. “All you fucking want, Eric, but it doesn’t change the fact that your being pissed at them is something I have to see.”
 

“And what they did to you is something I have to witness and face. Do you have any idea what it’s like, I mean truly like, to watch the person you love fall apart at the seams? Watching them run throwing up into the toilet after you’ve had sex with them? No, Calvin, you don’t.”
 

His words sting and I step back from him, taking my hand from his roughly, clutching my keys. “Get your stuff. I’m taking you home,” I say sourly.
 

“No, I’ll take a cab.”
 

“You’re being ridiculous.”
 

He steps toward me. “No, I’m not. If you take me home, we will talk, all will be better and we will end up fucking in my stairwell because that is the only place we haven’t managed to fuck everything up and that is not what I want.”
 

“Then what the fuck do you want, Eric? Please enlighten me.”
 

His face falls and he looks away from me. “If I have to explain it to you again, it’s not worth the effort.”
 

“You want me to be cured, you want me to magically snap my fingers and wipe away all traces of my past. You want me to be this magical perfect lover for you, Eric, and I’m not and I don’t know if I ever can be.” My voice grows more angry with each passing word. “You knew this, you fucking knew what I was about when you pushed for this. You said that it didn’t matter, that you didn’t care and that you would be here for me, to help me, to guide me. But yet every time something happens, you get all butt hurt like I stole your fucking cookie. It is not personal, Eric, none of what happens to me is. I need you, and I fucking want you and I am fighting this, fighting the man I thought I’d been conditioned to be, fighting the impulses I have to revolt from you because it’s what I was trained to do. This is not easy on me and you fucking know it.”
 

I take a deep breath and a couple of steps back, waiting for his backlash and it doesn’t come, so I continue, “And no, Eric, I do not think seeing me fall to pieces is a pretty sight. In fact, it would scare the living shit out of most people, but not you, no, you turn it into some reason to be selfish, to be a baby about it. I’m sorry, Eric, but it isn’t about you. It never has been and it never will be about you. If it were about you, don’t you think we’d still be sucking each other off in the shower?”
 

“That’s all we’ve been doing,” he grumbles.
 

I throw my hands up in frustration. “Your dick does not rule the world, Eric Richardson,” I snap, tossing my keys on the couch. “Drive yourself home,” I tell him as I grab one of my suitcases and I head for my bedroom, pulling it behind me. As soon as I clear the door, I slam it hard behind me and fall against it, sliding down to my ass and banging my head against it.
 

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I shout with matching bangs against the door. After the fourth I stop as reality slides through me. I’ll take my black sludge over this feeling any day.