Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (48 page)

“Pull your shit together, Peacock, you got this.”
 

Yeah, even my own pep talk is nowhere near convincing, but it has to be. I have to be able to deal with this as a man, to deal with the fact that I’m a goddamn moron. That I walked out and away from the only person who’s ever meant anything to me. The only person who’s ever shown me what it means to love and be loved. My vow to love him unconditionally has faltered big time.
 

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m done with it.”
 

“Well, you have two choices, deny who you are or keep working at it.”
 

“What about that place, the one you told me about?”
 

Doctor V raises an eyebrow at me. “You’ve reached that point?”

I stand up off of the couch and start pacing. “I can only imagine what Eric saw last night, but whatever it was scared him half to death. I’m tired of letting my past consume me, and overcome me at the most inconvenient times and I am so sick and tired of denying myself what it is that I want most.”
 

“What’s that?” Doctor V asks me.
 

“Eric,” I breathe.
 

“What if I told you there might be another way?”
 

“You got acid around here to wash it out of my head?” I look at him, serious.
 

He snorts. “Sure, acid will cure you and kill you at the same time. But no, I’m serious, I have another idea that may be the solution you need. Though I can’t promise a total cure, I think it could be something you need to consider. What I am actually thinking is similar to the other facility but the time it would take would be hours, not months or years.”
 

 
“And why have you not brought this up before?” I ask him, stoic.
 

He sits back in his chair, setting his pen down on his tablet. “Because up until Eric came along and changed everything for you by coming out, you never acted like you are now. You’ve decided that in order for you to find peace and happiness, you need to get rid of this side of you because the one person you want to be with is Eric. So, if you’re honest to god serious that this is the path you want to go down, then I have a suggestion.”
 

“Hit me.”
 

“Hypnosis.”
 

I scowl at him. “Hypnosis? Like that shit where people make you do crazy things?”
 

He rolls his eyes. “That’s for entertainment value, not for life value. People have been getting hypnotized for years to do things like quit smoking and drinking. It’s not always a cure all, but if your mind is as pliable as it was to get you to this point, I would imagine that hypnosis will have a similar effect, allowing us to reverse course. But like any other addiction, you have a chance to relapse. There is not a one hundred percent guarantee that it will work. I also can’t guarantee that it will curb the physical things, like the vomiting and things like that. But it’s worth a shot.”
 

“Let’s do it,” I tell him. “I will do anything to right this ship with Eric and if that is possible with hypnosis then what do I do?”
 

He smiles. “Good. But I can’t do it.”
 

“What do you mean you can’t?”
 

“I could, but there is no guarantee that it will work, I’m not trained in it.”
 

“Sooooo, who is and how do I get in touch with them?” I ask, hope and eagerness spread through me.
 

“I know a couple of colleagues. Let me get in touch with them. We can set up an initial meeting.”
 

I sigh. “I’m not spilling my guts again,” I tell him.
 

“No, you won’t have to. I’ve gone before, with patients of mine. When it comes time for the discussion aspect, talking to you, things like that, they will usually let the one who knows the most do the talking. They just put you under. But I can’t promise that one session will be enough, there is a lot inside your head that we need to unlock and re-lock back up, so to speak.”
 

“Whatever it takes,” I tell him with conviction and he smiles.
 

“Hey Jess.” I hug her as she comes into my dressing room backstage.
 

“Hey you. How are you?”
 

I sigh. “A fucking mess.”
 

“Oh no, what happened?” she asks as she sits down on the couch. I sit down next to her, leaning back against the back of the sofa, throwing my arm over the back.
 

“We don’t have enough time for that,” I sigh. “But let’s just say that it’s over.”
 

She reaches over and smacks me. “Bullshit.” She stands up and starts berating me. “You keep fucking telling yourself bullshit like that and you’re the only one who believes it. Eric, what in the hell happened?”
 

“Jess, please, don’t push it.”
 

All of a sudden my door opens and Calvin steps inside, closing the door before turning around. “Tell her, Eric,” Calvin says, his voice is laced with fear, and he looks positively strung out.
 

“It’s not my place,” I tell Calvin as concern and heartbreak tear through me from looking at him again.
 

“Jess, I assume?” Cal asks her and she nods, dumbstruck by Cal bursting in here. “It’s nice to meet you, though I wish it was on better circumstances.” He extends his hand and she takes it.
 

“Likewise,” she says in her typical Jess fashion of quiet reservation.
 

“I do hope that you and I will have some more time to talk after this, but the bottom line about what happened last night has to do with some bullshit in my past. Some things that I’m not proud of and that I cannot always control. Your friend over there knew all of this before we started anything and when the shit hit the fan, he fled.” Calvin gives me a very pointed look.
 

Jess turns around, glaring at me. “Eric Richardson, what in the fuck?” she scolds.
 

Calvin has a satisfied smirk on his face as he turns to leave my dressing room. “Oh no, you don’t, Calvin Caldwell. You don’t get to come in here and spew bullshit at my friend and turn around and walk out the door,” I say after him.
 

“You, Eric, do not get to tell me you’ll be there, be here for me, help me through everything, be there to hold my hand when shit gets real and then bolt when the proverbial shit hits the fucking fan. Face it, Eric, you got scared, you ran away from it because that was the easiest way for you to deal with it and now, rather than running away from you, I’m telling the one person on the planet I know that can get through to you that you’re acting like an idiot.” He grabs the knob on the door and swings it wide before stepping through the portal and slamming it shut.
 

Jess turns on me faster than I can even say what the fuck. “What in the fuck, Eric? I may not know the details about what his past entails, but why on God’s green earth would you run away from the one thing that means anything to you?”
 

I fall back onto the couch and put my head in my hands. She’s right, of course she’s right. “I’m scared.”

“So what? Isn’t that what relationships are all about? Being there for each other, being there to comfort them when they need you, pick them up when they fall? God Eric, you’ve talked about Calvin and being in love with that man for years since the first night I met you. You get a little taste of what he has to offer and you fucking run away from it.” She folds her arms over her chest. If I didn’t know better I’d think she was tapping her toes on the floor like my mother does when she’s pissed off. “I thought you were better than that.” Her voice is soft and concerned now. Not condescending like I would expect it to be.
 

“I thought I was too,” I breathe out.

IT’S been two weeks since that first Los Angeles show, and the tour has ended. After the second show, the four of us went out, alone. Leaving the girls to fend for themselves. Raine and Addison had no problem letting the four of us loose on the town. We deserved it, after all, we’d just rounded out a twelve week monster tour that saw more changes than I could have ever imagined happening. Talon and Kyle getting together, with Addison, of course. Dex, the resident manwhore, was tamed by Raine, and I wish I could say that things between Calvin and I had mended, but they hadn’t then and they still haven’t now.
 

You would think that after two weeks, it would hurt a lot less than it does, but the truth is, it hurts even more.
 

Each day passes and every night when I lay down, alone, I feel like I’ve been shredded apart again and again. I’ve nearly caved so many times and I know that’s what he’s waiting for. I was the one that walked out. I’m the one that needs to make amends and make this right, but I’m not even sure where to start anymore.
 

Jessica has practically quit talking to me, except for her daily texts asking me if today is the day. Though she hasn’t done that in the last two days so I’m guessing her patience with me has worn thin.
 

I dragged myself out of the house the other night and all I ended up doing was getting stupid drunk in some random bar and I had to take a cab home. Lucky for me, they called one of those places that drives your car home too because I would not have known where to even start looking for it.
 

I even tried to make it to Malcolm’s but I got about a hundred yards away from it and memories of the two of us having dinner and drinks flooded me too hard, and rather than trying to walk them off on the beach, I turned around and went home.
 

It’s pathetic, really. It is.
 

My phone rings, bringing me out of my stupor of ‘poor-pitiful-Eric’. It’s a number I don’t recognize, but it is local. I raise an eyebrow before I answer it. “Yeah?” I snap into the phone.
 

“Eric?”
 

“Yeah, who’s this?”
 

“This is Doctor V.” I sit straight up.