Defying Instinct (Demon Instinct Series) (21 page)

A
few hours later, after saying goodbye to Sam and writing a note to Mina, Jake
flew back to St. Louis, this time with Holly in the plane with us.

They
didn’t say anything, or even look at each other.  I wondered what kept Holly
from accepting him as more than her partner.  Wondered if Jake truly loved her,
not just lusted after her because she was gorgeous.  Wondered if, no matter how
a person looked, relationships were messy and painful and inevitably difficult.

By
the time we landed, I’d made some decisions.  I didn’t know how I would
accomplish them, but my mind was made up.  As they drove me back home, and
dropped me off a block away in case my sentries were there—even though I didn’t
expect them to be guarding me anymore—I said I’d be in touch, and left with a
joyless smile and a nod of appreciation.

Neither
Jake nor Holly minded.  Or noticed.

When
I walked up to The Bookstore, I was oddly stricken by the unlit lights, the
dark sign that hung over the door that said The Bookstore in black, bold
letterers.  Beneath it, in a decorative script, it laughably declared,
Buy,
Sell, Trade New and Used Books
, as if the name of the store weren’t enough
to tell people what we did inside.

Streetlights
were back on.  Electricity was probably back on inside too.

It
made me sad to see the store closed, which was stupid.  I wasn’t inside,
manning the place.  It was still only one-third of the way filled with books
that had survived my gale.  But, even if it wasn’t rational, it made me miserable. 

I
needed this place like I needed Dad, like I needed Benn.  The Bookstore gave me
a purpose, gave me a home, a place to be, something to do, to care about each
day.  Without it, the only three things I cared about in the world above was
down to two, and it wasn’t right to rest everything I was, wanted to be, on
Benn and Dad. 

Did
they have to stunt their own lives to accommodate my issues all these years? 
In the end, would it have been better for them if I’d chosen the Underrealm four
years ago instead of stubbornly holding onto a shadow life?

Benn
would have been alone in that graveyard, I reminded myself.  Up Above was the
right decision.

But
maybe it was time I stopped using them as a crutch.  My love for them shaped
all my decisions.  But was that fair to them?

I
knew it without a doubt.  Everything was changing.  I’d been trying to keep
what I had intact, even though I wasn’t the same person I used to be.  That was
one of the decisions I’d made on the plane. 

Accept
what has already changed. 

I
needed answers.  If I was playing this whole thing one step at a time, attending
to the questions Division awoke in me was my next step.

The
question was, who had the answers?

Unlocking
The Bookstore front door, and sliding inside quietly, I knew Rowan was there
even before I turned on the lights and looked up into his eyes.

“You
were standing here in the dark?” I said, exhaustion affecting my voice. 
“That’s creepy.”

When
he raised his eyebrows, and ran a hand through his already messy, pure gold
hair, I realized he’d been worried about me.  I wanted to ask why he left the
way he did before if he cared.  But the look of true concern, the eyes that
scanned me noticeably for injury, and the clear wave of relief when he found me
intact stilled my sharp tongue. 

He
sniffed.  “You have blood on you.”

I remembered
the drips on my shirt, and was surprised he could smell such a tiny amount.  “I’m
healed now.”

“You
were gone for twenty-four hours.”

I
nodded, not understanding why Rowan was compelled to state the obvious.

Not
wanting him to think I was completely brainless and left town unexpectedly with
a stranger to visit possible, hostile, enemy territory without letting someone
know, I said, “I told Benn.”

Rowan
closed his eyes.  “I should have known to go to him.”

Feeling
self-protective, because I was still hurt from Rowan’s rejection, I made my expression
uninterested even though seeing him here made everything I felt for him kick
right back on.  Now I knew I didn’t have the slightest chance of getting over
it.  With him standing in front of me, concern in his incredible eyes, the idea
was laughable.

“Do
you want something, or can I go to bed?” I asked, managing calm words.

“I’d
like to apologize for—”

“I
don’t need it.”  I was too tired and too worn out, too confused and too uneasy
about what was to come, and feeling way too emotional to deal with this.  Rowan
was here.  He was talking to me, looking me in the eyes.  That was more of an
apology than his words could ever be.

The
tinsel-shimmer slid down his body the next instant, drawing my full attention. “My
assumptions about Connell were unfair.”

I
raised an eyebrow at his magnificent, unglamoured face, but said nothing. 
Couldn’t.

“And
I know what happened with Grayson…wasn’t consensual.”

Champagne
erupted in white gold fury, but Rowan’s unglamoured expression stayed composed,
compassionate. 

I
swallowed.  “It won’t be a problem again.  I went all Royal on his ass.”

Rowan
made no signs of this being a surprise, so I had to assume either he could hear
the hum my skin gave off—though it wasn’t as loud anymore—or he’d been told.

“Grayson
has cleared me of my debt.  His favor has been repaid in full.  He said I am
free to go.”

Whipping
my attention from his unglamoured perfection, I whispered, “You’re leaving?”

“I don’t…”
he looked away, “have to.”

I
exhaled a breath I’d been holding that was starting to cause pain.

“I
ordered Grayson to be all allegiancey with me.  Not sure I can take that back,
so I need a sentry who’ll…you know, not be.”

One
sharp nod, then Rowan said, “If you are to continue accepting me as a guard…a
sentry,” I smirked at his use of my word, “then…will you permit me to give you
something?”

Curiosity,
my new albatross, got the better of me.  “Give me what?”

“A
sad story.”  He took a deep breath, and corrected, “a memory.”

Without
knowing where it came from or how I could be so certain, I knew it meant
something huge that Rowan would tell me about himself.  Maybe it was the way he
said it, maybe it was the closed-off way he carried himself around everyone I’d
seen him with.  But, to give me a part of his past was the greatest thing he
could give, and my frazzled emotions, my uneasiness, my confusion disappeared.

Momentarily
wide awake, I went to one of the couches in the corner of The Bookstore, flipped
on a lamp, and gave Rowan my undivided attention when he sat down on the same
couch, and faced me.

“Her
name was Rosie,” he said, and my eyes grew wide as I realized what kind of
memory this was going to be.

“We
came up together, trained together, discovered the ‘realm together.  Rosie was
the kind of female everyone instantly cared for.  Her charisma and warmth made
her…incredible.”

Rowan,
looking far off into the distance as the memory playing in his mind made his
lips flutter into a small grin, whispered, “She was my…everything.”

I
understood this was in the past, that there was no reason for the stab of
jealousy, but there it was.  The gentleness in his voice, the way his eyes
gleamed. 

What
a gift it would be, to be loved by this male.

“We
turned twelve the same year, and were dispatched to different demons to serve
our eight years.  I served a Tempter named Sasha.  Rosie served an upper-class Reaper
named Eyal.  It was difficult, being away from her for the first time, but we
kept in touch, wrote, stole away afternoons when we could.”

“There
was no question we’d be together when our years were served.  After all, what was
eight years in the grand scheme of a lifetime with the one you want?  The
thought of her, of us, got me through my service.”

The gleam
in his eyes changed, his shoulders stiffened.  When he continued, his voice was
still gentle, but no longer with affection. 

“Her
letters came less frequently after a time.  We stole away fewer afternoons,
until Rosie was gone.  I saw her maybe a year after she’d stopped writing back,
but hardly recognized her.  The light in her, the warmth, the spark that made
her special was gone.  Eyal had taken her as a mistress, and molded her into a
complete stranger.  He made her empty, a shadow.”

My
lack of emotions before my glamour was lifted reminded Rowan of what became of
Rosie.  Was that the reason for his constant scowling?

I’d
never met a Reaper face-to-face.  All I knew of them was that they were rumored
to once have been human, and cared for nothing but their Empress.  They were
said to be without life, without a conscience, without morality or heart.  How
could any female choose a male like that over the vibrant male beside me?

“A
few months ago, my years of service to Sasha were complete,” he said, and I did
the math.  Rowan was my age.  I liked that.

“She
dismissed me to live out the rest of my life in freedom.  Rosie,” Rowan’s jaw
clenched, “chose to stay with Eyal, to remain in his service and as his
mistress.”

I
frowned.  “She chose to stay a slave?”

“It
happens with my caste.  They no longer know anything but service, have formed bonds
of loyalty to their charge, and prefer to dedicate their existence to what they
know rather than discover what could be.”

“Like
Cy?”

“Yes,”
Rowan gave a disgruntled huff.  “Though, as much as it pains me to say, Grayson
is a reasonable male, despite his
considerable
flaws.  He treats Cyrus
with respect.”

There
was more to this than Rosie.  There was something deeper that ignited grief
inside me.  I was hesitant to ask, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.  

“And
Sasha?  How did she treat you?”

Rowan
said nothing, but his eyes darkened, his presence grew more and more dangerous,
filled the room with wrath, tension, and shame.

He
didn’t need to say it.  I knew.  Sasha the Tempter had used him, mistreated him
in ways I couldn’t even imagine.  Didn’t want to imagine.

Is
she why my projecting upset you so much?

I
realized it as I asked.  There had been so many reasons for Rowan to be
uncomfortable around me.  His annoyed reactions to feeling my feelings was
because it was painful for him. 

I’d
hurt him.

“She
would bring in younglings,” his eyes closed.  “I’d…we’d feel everything they
felt.  Everything she made them feel.  How they were different…broken…after.”

I
swallowed, feeling sick.

“You
had such darkness in you before.  It felt just like…”

I’m
so sorry.  I didn’t…

“It
was out of your control,” Rowan’s smoky, deep voice gaining strength.  “It was
irrational to hold it against you and…since your glamour was lifted…”

“I’m
glad I don’t hurt you anymore,” I said, unable to look at him.

A
few moments passed before Rowan continued.  “Some of those in Sasha’s service
went mad before our years were through.  But I survived it.  For her.  For
Rosie.”

He’d
held out hope until the end.  Rowan needed that hope, that ray of a future to
keep his sanity through the things Sasha had done.  Rosie could have changed
her mind, been discharged from the Reaper’s service.  But she hadn’t.

There
was a look on his face that I couldn’t read, except I knew he was in pain,
could feel it in the air.  I tried to reach out to him, find his skin and let
him take comfort from me.  But the second Rowan saw me move for him, he got up
from the couch, keeping his eyes to the ground. 

“I
will be honorable from now on.”

How
did I tell him not to be?  How did I tell him I didn’t want that, that I wanted
him the way I’d had him for a few minutes yesterday? 

Then
his eyes rose from the floor, and locked onto mine, a rhythm of his conflicted
emotions thumping through me.  “If you wish me to stay, you have to say it.”

“Stay.”

He
shook his head, and fought a smile at my lack of hesitation. “I have to be made
an official guard.  I have to be made your Sentinel.”

“Just
tell me how.”

Rowan’s
expression was now completely blank.  If that was something I could learn, the
demon part of me wanted to.  But my human side hated it.  Hated the lost
feeling it gave me.

“For
now, get your rest.”

“How
do I make you—?”

“Tomorrow,”
he said quietly, but firmly, leaving no doubt that the conversation was over. 

I
didn’t like how he told me what to do.  But I was tired.  And it was obvious that
the things he’d told me weren’t as easy for him to share as it seemed.  This was
all I would learn about him tonight.