Denial (38 page)
Swallowing hard, Celeste caught Amy’s hand and whispered, “Amy…I…” hesitating, she licked her lips, then looked at her pleadingly.
Amy tried to move, but Celeste’s hands rose up and caught her arms tightly. She pulled her down and rolled them over. Lying on top of her, breathing heavily, Celeste rested her head gently on hers.
Amy closed her eyes, flushed and breathless she clenched the bedspread, acknowledging with much surprise that she was aroused. It had been years since she felt like this. Opening them, Celeste lifted her head. Amy watched, with a growing mixture of alarm and curiosity, an array of emotions flicker over her face— desire, uncertainty, fear.
Celeste captured Amy’s mouth, kissing her openly, hotly, deeply, her lips exploring.
Instinctively responding to the kiss, desire flooded Amy. She tried to think straight, tried to tell herself that this was wrong, that she should stop, pull away, but she couldn’t. To her shame, an incredible surge of excitement shot through her, just like the rush of hormones on that first night. As always, she had little control over her physical response to Celeste. Her body was hungry.
Amy’s head began to spin when a deep moan from Celeste vibrated through her. She had forgotten the exquisite taste of her mouth, and an unexpected emotion filled her, a feeling of returning to a warm, familiar, much-loved place. The heat grew between her thighs.
How long has it been?
Not since they were last together, she realized.
Eventually, Celeste slowed the deep, intense kiss and gently brushed her lips over Amy’s. Eyes glowing, she looked at her.
Captivated, Amy reached up and outlined Celeste’s mouth with her finger. In response, Celeste allowed more of her weight to settle on her. She kissed her again working her tongue deep into her mouth.
Amy moaned in response and, unable to stop herself, slid an index finger down Celeste’s T-shirt, over the swell of her breast to the erect nipple she knew she would find. She cupped it, and kneading it gently, closed her eyes and remembered how much she adored the sensual feel of Celeste.
Amy moaned with pleasure when Celeste ground her hips into her. A yearning rose from a deep void. Right now, Amy knew with certainty she needed Celeste. Right now, she needed to taste her, to touch her skin, feel her warmth.
Right now
, having Celeste close was all that mattered.
Amy’s hands moved quickly under Celeste’s top then urgently over her back, exploring it. She gasped when Celeste arched and moaned.
Heart pounding, Amy needed to touch more. She pulled Celeste’s T-shirt up and unclipped her bra then slid it and the T-shirt free. She placed both hands on Celeste’s breasts, adoring the weight in her palms. She groaned then closed her eyes, only opening them when Celeste moaned deeply.
Amy shuddered, her excitement intensifying incalculably. Leaning forward, she strained to nip the soft skin at the base of Celeste’s neck, before trailing down and capturing a nipple, hungrily sucking on it. Desperate to feel more flesh, she ran her hands down Celeste’s back and inside her briefs before pulling her grinding hips into hers. She let Celeste’s generous breast fill her mouth.
Her arousal at fever pitch, Amy wanted to touch, to grope, to shred and destroy anything between them. Feeling starved, she desperately wanted to touch every inch. Working her right hand around, she dipped her fingers between Celeste’s thighs. When Celeste bucked, Amy used her tongue, tasting, and sucking everywhere she could. Each time Celeste pressed into her, she groaned. Her own clit pulsing, then aching as it pulsed.
Amy ran a hand up Celeste’s back, clawing at it. She was gripped by a desperate need to taste her. No, more than taste her, she needed to be inside her. She needed to consume her. Amy pushed Celeste’s briefs down and murmured, “Off.”
Helping Celeste, Amy pushed them over her knees and off. She looked into Celeste’s hazel-green eyes then slid down the bed. She stopped between her thighs and whispered, “I want to taste you.”
Amy felt Celeste stiffen, but unable to stop herself, she pulled impatiently at her thighs to open them further. Celeste didn’t move. “Please.”
Celeste drew in a deep breath before straddling Amy’s face. She positioned herself above her mouth then, exhaling sharply, looked into her eyes before lowering herself.
Amy stopped breathing when she caught sight of the beauty above her. Her stomach taut and firm, her full breasts swaying slightly as she lowered herself trustingly down onto her mouth.
Her heart beating fiercely, Amy exhaled then filled her lungs with the scent of Celeste’s deep arousal. Stretching her neck, she pushed out her tongue, spread it wide, flat, and ran it between the folds of Celeste’s slick lips. Slowly, she licked up the entire length of her; tasting her.
Delicious
, her mind cried out, as she remembered how much she loved the taste of Celeste.
“Lower. You need to be lower.”
Breathing heavily, Celeste spread her legs wide and lowered herself further onto Amy’s mouth. Wanting to expose her fully, Amy reached up and pulled Celeste open. Unable to control her craving, she licked ferociously, flattening her tongue to lick up, shaping it to a point then twirling her clit before sucking it fully into her mouth. With her fingers, she slid into Celeste, driving in and out, moving deeper and deeper, further and further, all the while sucking Celeste’s fully into her mouth.
Moaning repeatedly, Celeste placed her hands on Amy’s head. Holding it in position, she rotated then ground her hips. She pulled back slightly when Amy’s teeth grated against her then moaned, pressing harder and faster until, holding Amy head’s tightly, she cried out, climaxing. Her muscles clenched around Amy’s fingers and she shuddered for a long while before eventually stilling.
Feeling weak, Celeste moved off Amy. Breathing heavily, she lay beside her and tried to capture her mouth.
Amy wouldn’t let her. She pushed Celeste away. “No,” she rasped. “I…I…need…to…breathe,” she gasped, then sucked in air until her breathing evened out. After a few moments, she clutched blindly for Celeste’s hand and whispered, “Now…Celeste.”
Aware that Amy wasn’t in control, Celeste knew they shouldn’t be doing this. Amy had made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want physical contact. Watching her, Celeste knew there would be regrets and recriminations, but the pleasure of being here was beyond anything she had experienced in a long time. The pleasure of being here drove out all her doubts. She wanted nothing more than to taste this woman.
Celeste’s stomach flipped. Quickly sitting on her knees, she unzipped Amy’s jeans and pulled them and her underwear hastily off, along with the rest of her clothing. Positioning herself between Amy’s legs she barely noticed the scarring as she spread her thighs wide. She took a moment, unable to believe that she was here with the woman she adored, doing exactly what she had dreamed about for the longest time.
Celeste had waited so long for this moment, she wanted to savor it. Slowly, she spread Amy’s thighs. Slowly, she touched her clit with her fingers, feeling its slickness.
Amy shuddered. “Hurry, Celeste.”
Leaning in, Celeste slid her tongue lightly over Amy’s clit. She groaned and pushed her tongue into her. Closing her eyes, she let it rest inside Amy. Let it absorb the heat; absorb her. If she could’ve, she would push all the way into her, be inside of her; be where she belonged.
When Amy moaned impatiently, Celeste pulled her tongue out and opened her mouth fully to cover as much of Amy as possible. Swallowing, she consumed her. She repeated this several times before sucking Amy’s clit hard.
Amy gasped. Moaning, she bunched the sheets in her hands and cried out until her orgasm hit.
Celeste felt the waves of an immense orgasm rush through Amy, making her shake violently. When Amy went limp, Celeste smiled when a satisfied moan fell from Amy’s lips, but she wasn’t finished, she had a thirst to quench.
Dazed, Amy lay on the bed as a euphoric feeling of release swept through her. For years she had never felt like this because, quite simply, until now, she thought she was dead inside.
Her natural high receding fast, the reality of what she was doing seeped in. Amy took a few deep breaths. She felt conflict. Her chest constricted, guilt filled her.
You know you shouldn’t be doing this,
her inner voice boomed.
You made a deal. You promised your dead cousin and your dead children that you would never allow this to happen again.
Abruptly, Amy’s eyes rolled back. She gasped when Celeste bit gently on her clit, stretching it out, the tip of her tongue flicking it back and forth, increasing speed each time.
Amy felt trapped. Her body refused to do anything but respond to Celeste’s touch. Guilt was beginning to tear at her. She stiffened when Celeste’s fingers entered her and her tongue licked her adoringly. Her back arched when Celeste pushed her fingers in further and teased her clit gently with her teeth, then sucked the tip.
Amy gulped in air and sheer desire pushed all thoughts away. Gripping the sheets she, as in the past during these moments, told Celeste things she never intended to: that she needed her, needed this. That she wanted nothing more than for her to be inside her. Then it slammed into her, her orgasm throwing her into a series of spasms until, eventually spent, she slowly came down.
Hips stilling, Amy covered her face with her hands.
“Amy?” she heard Celeste say with concern.
A sharp pain of loss clamped around Amy’s heart and the dam that she thought had dried up long ago broke. Folding her arms over her face, she started to cry for her boys, for Maggie, for Sean, for her father, for the pups. She cried for every one of them.
When the boys died Amy thought that she had failed them, failed Maggie, failed everyone. She had lied, connived and deceived to feed her habit, feed her need for Celeste. Since the day they were killed, she had never allowed herself to think what being with Celeste this way was like or how Celeste made her feel. If it ever entered her head, the thoughts were always pushed aside by a tidal wave of guilt.
Amy curled into a tight ball.
Celeste moved up the bed. Placing her hands lightly on her shoulders she turned Amy and cradled her in her arms. “Shhh,” she whispered soothingly. “It’s going to be okay. I promise you,” she said comfortingly. “It’s going to be okay.”
Amy continued to cry. She cried inconsolably. Unable to believe that after all her promises, she had let this happen.
Celeste closed the children’s bedroom door, pleased that they were sound asleep. Hobbling to the kitchen, she looked through Amy’s cupboards until she found some alcohol. Shifting a few bottles of wine aside, she found a bottle of single malt whiskey. Locating a glass, she broke the seal and poured a sizeable measure. Leaning heavily against the counter, she swallowed a large amount then swallowed more, not thinking until the glass was drained.
Celeste sat wearily on a kitchen chair. She placed her head in her hands. The warmth in her stomach quickly emptied, leaving a chasm when she thought about how inconsolable Amy had been. She shook her head. No matter how hard she had tried she couldn’t hush Amy. She had cried, until exhausted, she fell asleep.
Celeste sighed and ran her hands through her hair, knowing that if they were to have anything together, it needed to come from Amy. Tonight, she realized, would only have pushed her further away.
†
Opening the kitchen door, Amy saw Celeste sitting at the table. She squinted; the kitchen was bright with early morning sunshine. She pulled out a chair and sat across from her.
Sipping coffee, Celeste looked at her.
They sat in silence.
Amy remembered how Celeste rarely broke the silence. The pull of Celeste’s seductiveness was strong and unexpected. She noted that her dark hair hung freely around her shoulders; her eyes were luminous and her lips…she cut her thoughts short. She didn’t want to think about how good Celeste looked. Her stomach twisted and color rose in her cheeks. She briefly closed her eyes. Last night, their lovemaking had released an avalanche of pent-up desire and her body wasn’t about to let her forget it or think that it was satisfied.
Amy looked down at her hands; already they were shaking with fresh need. For years, she hadn’t felt even a twinge of desire, but now her senses were being assaulted, reawakened.
Tucking her hair behind her ears, Amy opened her hands expressively. It was time to be honest. “I care about you, Celeste.”
Celeste’s eyebrows rose in surprise.
“I always have; and maybe if things had been different, maybe if I had met you first, instead of Josh, I probably would never have married him, knowing how explosive things were with you.” She hesitated and unable to deny it after last night, amended, “are with you.” She stopped and inhaled deeply. “But I didn’t meet you first. I met Josh and I married him and we had,” her voice cracked, “two beautiful children.” The pain rang deep. “And now, they’re gone. Everything has gone.”
Celeste bowed her head.
Amy gathered herself. “Celeste, I blame myself for it all.” She shook her head. “I know if I hadn’t been so wrapped up with you that I probably wouldn’t have let Maggie take the children away. Maybe,” she paused then added with a faint note of hope, “maybe we would have organized something else. Maggie and I did everything together. Maybe Maggie wouldn’t have gone camping?”
Amy sat reflectively for a moment then sighed. “The bottom line is if Maggie had known that I hadn’t been busy that weekend she would have insisted that I tag along.” She said nothing for a few moments. “Every day I regret it,” her voice grew huskier. “That I wasn’t with them.”
“Oh, Amy,” Celeste said with a note of despair.
“Celeste, I shouldn’t be alive today; but I am,” Amy explained. “I shouldn’t have survived that fire, but I did.” She opened her hands as if everything was suddenly clear. “I feel as if I’m being punished, Celeste,” she said with conviction. “I’m being punished for doing something that was wrong.”
Celeste shook her head.
Amy clasped her hands together. “When Irene left my dad, he was devastated.” Her hands tightened. “He never really recovered from her leaving.” Her knuckles whitened. “He made me promise over and over that I would never be like her. Never betray my family.”
Celeste closed her eyes briefly.
“But that’s exactly what I did! Even though I knew the devastation it would cause if we were found out.” Amy rolled her eyes in disbelief. “I still took that chance. I hoodwinked everyone into believing that I was a model wife and mom, a good all-rounder. But the reality was quite different.”
Celeste looked at Amy intently.
Amy stared off into the distance. “I often think about why Maggie never picked up on what we were doing. But now, I realize that she would never have believed that I was capable of deceiving her like that.” She looked at Celeste. “She would never have believed that her precious little cousin could be such a slut.”
“Amy,” Celeste said, her tone full of compassion.
“I know what has just happened, but I can’t ever,
ever
let that happen again.” Amy looked at her pleadingly.
“If I do, it is betraying Maggie and the children.”
Celeste paled.
Amy’s voice grew huskier. “It would be like saying everything we did was somehow all right.”
“I understand why, after the accident,” Celeste paused, struggling for words, “why you couldn’t bear to be near me.” She bowed her head. “But you didn’t need to run. You still have family.” She lifted her head and looked at Amy. “You have people who love and care very deeply for you.”
“How could I let them be there for me?” Amy said, her tone accusing. “How could I pretend? How could I be the loving supporting wife to Josh? I had betrayed him. He had no idea what I had done. He didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who I was. How could I be there for him when it was my fault? How could I grieve with him when it was me who caused his grief?”
Celeste reached out to touch her.
Amy flinched and pulled away. “I’m dead inside, Celeste,” she said, her eyes pleading with her to understand. “Don’t you see that?”
Celeste frowned and withdrew her hand. “Amy, you’re not dead inside. What you’re experiencing may cause you to feel that way,” she said. “It’s symptomatic, due to an unremitting sense of guilt.” She looked at Amy. “But I can assure you, Amy, you’re not dead inside. I’ve seen it many times over the years and I—”
“Don’t patronize me,” Amy interrupted, her eyes sparking fire. “Don’t you dare try to explain away how I feel with words! Don’t sit there and put on your doctor’s hat, and box me in with jargon!” She repeated Celeste’s words with disdain, “Symptomatic… unremitting sense of guilt…” She stared at her. “You might find it comforting, but they’re just empty, cheap words to me.” Leaning forward, her eyes narrowing, she tried to hold her temper as she said in a precise tone, “Don’t
ever
think your words could ever, ever describe how I feel.”
Celeste’s years of training should have allowed her to sit and listen, to offer Amy support and comfort, to remain detached, but she couldn’t, this was too personal. She wanted to ask Amy about last night. She wanted to tell her it wasn’t just about the physical, it was about the connection they had. The connection that had existed from the moment they met. The connection that was still as strong, even after everything. She wanted to say, what about the fact that she loved her, had never stopped loving her every second of every hour of every day? She wanted to shout through her pain,
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
Instead, Celeste said, “What about last night?”
“Don’t you understand?” Amy replied coldly. “Don’t you get it, Celeste? You are a reminder.”
Celeste regarded her intently, disappointment etching her face.
“Every time I look at you,” Amy’s voice grew unsteady, “I’m reminded of what I’ve done.”
Celeste lowered her head, the pain of Amy’s words made her want to throw up. She exhaled slowly. From the moment of the accident Amy had blocked out the world, closed down. Nobody could reach her, least of all Celeste. It had been so difficult. Finally, the words she dreaded hearing, the words she had expected since the day of the accident, those words were finally spoken.
Amy said softly, “I’m sorry, Celeste. I don’t want to hurt you, but I need you to promise me that you’ll let me go, that you’ll go back to your own life. Bring up those beautiful children. Move on, meet someone else.”
Celeste inhaled deeply.
Meet someone else!
She almost laughed.
If it was as simple as that don’t you think I would be with someone else?
I don’t understand it either, Amy, but my heart doesn’t seem to think there is anyone else!
Celeste couldn’t draw a line here in this empty apartment. She knew that regardless of what the terms of their relationship were, she could never give up on her.
“Nothing will happen unless you want it to,” Celeste whispered. “Amy, I promise.”
The kitchen door opened and Naomi, rubbing her eyes, wandered in. She gave them both a sleepy smile before climbing up onto Amy’s lap. Heavy-eyed, she looked at Amy and then the cereal box on the breakfast bar. “I’m hungry.”
Celeste’s entire body shook with relief. Naomi could not have timed it better. She watched Amy cuddle Naomi to her.
“Believe me, Amy. I cannot walk away from you. Nothing will jeopardize our friendship again. The children love you. I…” she hesitated…“we need you.”
Naomi, picking up that something was wrong, cuddled into Amy and wrapped her arms around her. Sounding more than a little scared, she said, “Don’t go away, Meme.”
Amy smiled down at Naomi. It amused her that this little girl called her Meme. Acutely aware that she was tiny for her age, Amy looked adoringly into the beautiful ebony face. Naomi had been a premature baby who survived against strong odds. She had Celeste to thank for that. According to Alex, her survival was due to Celeste taking such a personal interest and ensuring that this precious little bundle received the best medical care.
Amy held Naomi protectively then kissed her forehead lovingly. She had never met a child that smiled and laughed so much. Looking at Celeste, she noted the strain on her face. Amy’s heart wrenched. She should tell her, no, that after last night, friendship was out of the question. She should tell Naomi that, yes, she would have to go away.
Amy opened her mouth and tried to push out words. She looked down at Naomi, and tried to push out words of regret, but she couldn’t. Instead, her mouth dried up and no words left her lips.
Naomi repeated, “Don’t go, Meme.”
Amy hugged Naomi close and kissed her head. “No, baby,” she said devotedly. “Meme isn’t going anywhere. She will always be here for you, sweetie.”
Celeste mouthed the words, thank you, and pushed back her chair. “Why don’t I fix us all something to eat?”
Amy gave her a weak smile. “No, let me,” she responded. “You should rest your foot.”
Amy kissed Naomi’s head again then let the little girl slip off her lap. Standing, her inner voice chastised,
When will you ever learn?