Denying Heaven (Room 103) (9 page)

Whoever had sold her the damn drugs were gonna meet with my
fists until they couldn’t breathe and were begging me to end them.

It was like fucking history repeating itself and I paced
the corridor whilst the doctors decided whether to let her live or die.

I shouldn’t be feeling… like this; disappointed, sad,
angry, restless - fucking terrified.

Spirit was nothing got me…

Nothing!

Absolutely – fucking – nothing!

So why the fuck did my heart hurt?

Those words… the same ones Shona had said to me, leaving
her lips, exactly the same…

Fuck! I was fucked!

“Any news?” Janey asked as she approached me.

I shook my head without looking at her. I was angry with
her, why the hell hadn’t she stopped her?

“She needs help, Bulk.”

I scoffed loudly and turned to her, “Yeah, some from her friends
wouldn’t go amiss.”

Her jaw dropped before she clenched it tightly and an
angry tic appeared in her right eyelid. She palmed my chest and I could feel
her anger vibrating through them, “Don’t you fucking dare, you arsehole. She
got high cos’ you fucked with her head!”

I narrowed my eyes on her, my worry over Spirit bringing
out a side in me I didn’t like. “What the hell? We fucked, end of,” I raged,
trying to convince myself as well as Janey that’s all it had been. “There was
nothing for her to get ripped over!”

She barked out a bitter laugh, “You know something, Bulk?
I actually thought you might be good for her, but you’re just like Kenny. Take
all you can from her and screw her with it. That fucking girl has never been
given a break, dragging herself through life, being kicked into the gutter time
after fucking time. I thought you might be the good guy, the bloody hero she
needs but you are a God damn selfish prick who can’t see past the end of his
dick.”

“I am nobody’s knight in shining armour, Janey. No
fuckers hero, especially to a woman who can’t get through the day without the
escape of drugs.” I stormed, now past the level of control even though her
words were tearing through me and slapping me hard in the face with their
truths. “Who are you to blame me when Spirit’s so fucked up she can’t even lean
on her
friends
and uses the aid of artificial
friends
to haul her
ass through life. So don’t fuck with me when you’re a shit friend, and Spirit
is the only reason she’s laid on that fucking bed having her fucking guts
pumped and her blood stream siphoned!”

My stomach clenched as a strangled sob caused Janey’s
face to crumple. “Stay away from her you arrogant fuck!” She hissed before she
pushed past me and stormed towards the emergency room where Spirit was being
treated.

Fuck!

Fuck!

“Nice!”

I turned to see Boss glaring at me, his eyes damning and
shocked. “First you ignore my advice, then you beat the crap out of Romeo, then
you alienate the whole of River’s Ink… just, epic, epic Bulk!” He shook his
head with a sickened expression and followed Janey down the hallway.

“God damn it!” I roared as my fist connected with the
wall, “Just….
FUCK!”

“Whoa, drag it in!” Romeo scowled as he took hold of my
fist to stop the mutilation of my knuckles.

“Shit, Romeo” I scoffed as I took in the battered
features of his face, “I…”

He shook his head and grabbed my bicep before dragging me
down the corridor and shoving me in the elevator, “I know, mate. Chill, I’m
cool.”

He stood staring at me; his silent voice speaking loudly
and I rolled my lips and turned my shame to the doors. “I said we’re cool, big
guy.”

I nodded but kept my gaze diverted, hiding the real
reason for my ache from his shrewd eyes.

“Are you falling in love with her?” he asked so quietly I
almost missed what he had said.

“What the fuck! No. NO!” I spluttered as I spun round to
face him.

He nodded slowly, his face impassive and nonchalant but
his eyes held an intelligence I didn’t want to accept. “You ever want to trade this
grief of yours, then she’s it mate. She’s your fucking soul saver.”

I growled at him, my anger resurfacing. What the hell was
wrong with me lately? I was so bloody angry all the time, so full of a rage I
couldn’t seem to shift.

“God damn Ro…”

I broke.

Vehemently.

Intensely.

Cruelly.

And so fucking raw, my lungs couldn’t keep up with each gasp
of air I was trying to inhale to stop the tears as my heart defied everything
it was beginning to feel.

Fuck! Not crying, No!

Romeo caught me as I sank down the wall and clawed at my
chest in desperation to snatch at my soul and rip it from my body.

I wouldn’t accept this, No!

I loved Shona and only her.

“Yes!” Romeo spat at me, “Yes! Say it!”

I shook my head violently, “No!”

“Say it! Admit it! SAY IT!”

“NOOOOO!”

I was out of the doors as soon as the elevator pinged its
arrival and we hit the ground. I could hear Romeo shouting to me as I sprinted
across the hotel foyer and went in search of something to tame the beast within
me.

The monster who wanted to devour a sinner.

A sinner with deep green eyes and the most beautiful
laugh on the planet.

A sinner with the most exquisite body I had ever seen.

A sinner who looked at me with wide innocent eyes but
knowing smiles.

A beautiful sinner who was creeping inside and
extinguishing the fire I wanted to keep burning forever.

***

“God fucking damn you” I growled at my limp dick.

The girls, give them all due, hadn’t laughed… yet.

I watched them; their tongues in each other’s mouths,
their hands on the others tits, their fingers rolling and tweaking plump red
nipples, darkened with arousal.

Kimberley moved lower, her tongue stroking the pale skin stretched
over Teresa’s stomach and I palmed my cock again, willing him to rear up to the
party.

He refused. Of course he refused. He was angry with me. He
wanted a different pussy; he wanted a sinner’s pussy.

“Anything yet?” Kimberley asked and I snapped my eyes to
hers.

“No, I’m gonna… go. Thanks though.” I told her with a
faint smile as I lifted from the chair and tumbled into the wall.

“Easy, babe” Teresa advised and I lifted a hand to her,
notifying her I was okay. She nodded then went back to Kimberley’s devotion as
I pulled the door closed behind me.

I was tanked-up. I couldn’t even see straight, never mind
find my way back to the hotel.

My phone rang for the hundredth time and I growled as I
pulled it from my pocket.

“Where the hell are you?” Jen snarled at me through the
earpiece and I pulled it away from my ear and gave it a blank stare.

“Well, if you can’t see me, that’s cos’ you’re in London
and I’m…” I looked around, squinting at the dark empty street, “Where the hell
am I?”

Jen sighed and I plopped onto a low wall. The brickwork
scratched the back of my thighs and I looked down in confusion. “Shit Jen, I’ve
lost my jeans.”

“Christ, Bulk. Look around, can you see a street name?”

“Uhh,” I looked, “Nope.”

She sighed again and I could picture her rubbing her
forehead in frustration. “Right, listen to me. Fire up the GPS on your phone
then text me the results.”

“Why? I’m just gonna get my head down.” I informed her as
I lifted my legs and curled them up beside me as I rested my head gently on the
wall.

“Bulk, listen to me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You – need – to – show – me – where – you – are.”

“No offence, little lady but I’m real tired. Can I do
that in the morning?” I asked as a huge yawn overtook me and I snuggled deeper
into the rough slab.

“NO!” she screamed and I jolted upright.

“What… what? What’s happening?” I barked as I scanned the
area looking for what Jen had screamed at, “Jen?”

“Bulk, please.” I was sure I heard a faint sob from her
and I frowned. “Please, don’t… don’t be out on your own. You never know…”

I screwed up my face at her anguish. Boss’s attack a
couple of years ago had hit Jen hard and she was constantly terrified for each
of us.

“I’m fine, baby. Fine. There’s no-one here. No-one but
me.” My words hit something deep and I baulked at them, “No-one but me, Jen.” I
whispered as tears pooled my eyes.

“Oh, sweetheart” she whispered back, “Listen. I’ve flown
all the way up here to see you. Please, I miss you.”

My heart brightened and a smile covered my face, “You’re
here?”

“I am. I came to see you, I…” she paused and I sucked in
my bottom lip like a child sulking. The need for a hug was overwhelming. It
ached inside me. I needed arms to envelope me and hold me. I craved the faint
sound of a heartbeat in my ear as someone embraced me. Yearned for the small
shushes of a soft voice in my ear.

“I need to hold you” she finished as though she could
feel my desolation through the phone.

I stared at the building in front of me; its dark and
foreboding bleakness mirrored inside me as my stomach screwed up tight and
forced its contents up and into my throat. “I’m falling… I’m falling in love
again, Jen.” I whispered, hoping she’d heard me as I separately prayed she
hadn’t.

“I know, I know. Is it a good thing?”

I swallowed as I contemplated her words. “No, it hurts.
It hurts so much, Jen. I can’t…” A tormented forbidden sob crawled up my throat
and I gulped it back down, refusing its demand to surface. “I can’t!” I
finished with a whisper as Spirit’s bright beautiful smile blurred my vision
and her laughter filled my ears.

“I won’t let it… in. I can’t allow it to… take over.
Shona… Shona is always, will always…”

“Bulk, sweetheart. You don’t have to fight this, you
know. Just go with the flow, let your heart rule you. If it wants this, then
let it, don’t fight it. Please, you need this. You need to find this part of
you again.”

“No, Jen. Spirit’s… she’s a mess, completely damaged and
broken.”

She was silent for a while before she sighed, “Then be
her glue, Bulk. Mend that wound, heal her and heal yourself as you do it.”

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Could I do that? Was
I strong enough?

All I knew at this moment was that I needed to be with
Spirit. I needed to hold her close, breathe in her scent, feel her soft skin beneath
my hands, listen to her soft wisps of life as they left her mouth and embraced
me.

I needed her.

Shit, I needed her.

“I’ll phone you later!” I snapped as I abruptly ended the
call and flung myself off the wall.

The bed dipped and I moaned. My head was thumping, my
throat was sore, my stomach hurt and my whole body felt like I’d been shredded,
sewn back together then ripped apart by a werewolf. My veins were screaming, my
muscles hated me and my brain was curled in the corner rocking silently.

“Spirit.”

The sound of Bulk’s whisper brought a faint smile to my
face and I sighed as I remained coiled on the hospital bed with my weary eyes
closed tight. I could feel him; inside me, surrounding me, comforting me as a
tear slid down my cheek.

I needed the real thing, not an imaginary version of him.
I wanted to touch him, feel him, hold him and breathe him.

He hurt me, he hurt me so much but as much as that hurt
ached, I knew the reason for it. His heart rebelled at opening up, letting someone
break the chain and rip down its defences. I could understand that, hell I
agreed with it in a way.

The heart is a delicate thing, and once broken, the
shards that are left are razor-sharp; sharp enough to stab into your soul and
tear it up viciously and bloodily. I should know.

“Spirit.”

It came again and I frowned when it was accompanied by a
faint smell of whisky. My blood quickened with the aroma, its need demanding
its fill and I groaned at the hunger.

“Spirit!”

This time it was loud enough to open my eyes. I flicked
them around the room and frowned as I felt a delicate touch on my hair,
“Spirit?”

I rolled over, turning my body into the broken soul that
was laid beside me.

“Hey?” He smiled slightly with a little apprehension
crossing his face.

His eyes held mine as he waited for my reaction. I could
read the uneasiness and remorse in them and I rolled my lips, swallowing
heavily as his hand slid over my hair and onto my cheek.

“I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. I…”

I placed a finger over his lips, halting his regret as I gave
him a soft smile, “No, I… We were getting too… close.” I admitted as my brain
stood to attention with my declaration. Finally, it said, she’s facing the
truth.

He flicked his eyes over my face, absorbing me, devouring
me and a choked sound rumbled up my throat.

“No,” he breathed against me. “Don’t, please…”

I squeezed my eyes closed, forcing back the tears. Bulk
didn’t need them, he was too anguished himself to deal with them.

We watched each other in silence, the soft light from the
corridor fluorescents was filtering through the door window and the moonlight
generated a soft glow across the room as we just gazed silently. Our bodies
weren’t touching but he was close enough for me to feel his soft breaths fan across
my face.

“You ever been in love, Spirit?” he asked suddenly but
quietly.

I nodded slightly, holding his eyes as he delved deep
inside me with his stare to answer his own question.

He nodded as he understood, “Good or bad love?”

I sighed. How could anyone answer such an in-depth
question simply? “It was… both.”

He nodded again and paused to draw in a breath as if to
steady his rambling nerves and calm his torment. “Shona… our love was one of
those rare ones. The kind that is full of all things good.”

I smiled softly as his eyes lit with his memories; his
love for his wife evident and intense in his bright eyes.

He swallowed as if struggling to continue and I placed
the palm of my hand on his cheek gently. His eyes cleared and softened as he
refocused on the only woman that was physically in the room with him. Me.

“This is so hard” he whispered as his face bore the
weight of his grief.

“What is?” I asked as I stroked my thumb tenderly over the
prominent contour of his masculine cheek bone.

“This… talking about…” He stopped as his eyes flicked
rapidly over my face, his trepidation and unease carrying his emotions.

“Shona?” I finished for him.

He nodded slowly and grimaced as he rolled his lips.

“Do you talk to your friends about Shona?”

He nodded but didn’t remove his gaze from me. The
intensity and pain behind his eyes was suffocating and I sucked in a deep
breath just to contradict the smothering silent agony.

“I’m your friend Bulk, why can’t you talk to me about
her?”

He looked puzzled for a moment before his fingers reached
up and lightly touched my lips. He didn’t move them, just held them to my lips
as his eyes dropped to study the act. “Is that what we are, Spirit? Friends?”

“Is that what you want us to be?” I asked with
apprehension around his fingers. Above all things Bulk and I were or weren’t, I
wanted to be friends with this broken and gentle man.

His face was tight as he pondered my question. “Yes,” he
answered eventually.

“Would that help… this?” I asked, knowing he would
understand the context of my words. “Would it help you deal if we were just
friends?”

He sighed and twisted his lips but let his eyes drift
back up to mine. I couldn’t read them. I wasn’t sure what his answer would be
but he finally nodded weakly as his eyes saddened and he drew a finger across
my lip tenderly. “We could try.”

I swallowed back the disappointment but forced my heart
to slow with the elation that he wanted to be my friend.

I nodded back to him, “I think… I think the sex
confused…” I shrugged, unsure how to word what I wanted to say, “…us.
Complicated whatever relationship we have.”

He studied me, his brow creased and his eyes slightly
narrow and dark as we remained silent, the new structure in our bond changing
our thoughts and hopes as we both took control of our emotions and disciplined
them.

“Bulk?” I asked quietly as I swallowed nervously, “Can I
hold you?” His eyes flicked swiftly up to mine, “Nothing sexual.” I added
quickly, “Just as friends. Just… hold you?”

He answered me with his eyes before he slowly edged
forward on the bed towards me.

I slowly and hesitantly wrapped my arms around his large
frame before lifting a leg and enveloped his thigh with my own. He shuffled in
further as his own arms reached around me and pulled me in closer until he
rested his head under my chin and nuzzled into my neck.

I enticed him further, enclosing him securely with my
whole body as though I wanted to soak him up, take his sorrow and pain and
absorb it from him.

He pulled in a ragged breath and I felt his chest
stutter. My heart screamed in anguish when I realised he was crying. His wet
tears flowed onto my chest and soaked my gown as his throat racked with each of
his devastating sobs.

He clung tighter to me and I mirrored his action as I
pulled him in and placed a tender kiss to the top of his head, “Cry Bulk. Set
it free, baby.” I whispered as his weeps became louder and his entire body
shook with his burden.

I could feel his soul reaching out for comfort. I took
it, grabbed hold of it firmly, and soothed it with my own. My soul, spirit and
heart were breaking as they simultaneously hardened to protect and nurture this
heartbroken and haunted angel; because he was an angel; a beautiful and gentle
angel that God seemed to have penalised and destroyed through the entirety of his
life. A punishment for what, I didn’t know. I couldn’t ever imagine he deserved
to be punished. Not like me. I took God’s wrath on me because I knew it was
deserved. But Bulk was just ruined; tortured and broken.  

I ran a hand over his soft stubble of hair as he clung to
me, his fingers clutching my hospital gown with near aggression and I wondered
when, if ever, he had cried.

His body shook, his soul screamed and his heart bled with
each of his crushing heart-breaking cries.

My own tears were streaming, falling heavily on Bulk’s
head as we both clung on tight; feeding, offering, seizing and surrendering.

His hands slipped from my back and up to my hair as he
grabbed desperately at me, pulling me in closer and closer, begging me to take
it from him, pleading with me to help him, save him, heal him all at once.

I could physically feel Shona in the room with us, her
heart breaking with her husband’s as he refused to set her free, denied her
peace as he preserved her ghost inside him. “Give it me, Bulk; let me take it
from you.” I whispered as he sited his mouth on the heat of my skin.

I struggled for breath when his lips softly opened on the
base of my throat and his tongue sneaked out to taste one of my tears.

Oh Jesus fuck, my whole body groaned and hungered as a
soft gust of air huffed from me.

“Spirit…” he whispered as his tongue devoured another
tear. My chest was heaving as a fierce arousal flooded my system. His touch was
soft and gentle and so much needed, “Please love me, baby.”

My womb shivered as my pussy jerked with his words. “Chase…”
I murmured back as I slid my fingers down his head, hooked them around the back
of his neck and pulled him further into mine.

He moaned low but fiercely as his mouth opened further
and he sucked in the soft flesh beneath my ear.

“Oh Christ and coffee, Bulk, I need you. I need to feel
you, I need to… Oh Goddd….” I whimpered as his teeth clamped hold of my earlobe
and he growled softly in my ear.

“I…” Bulk shot off the bed when the door flung open and
Brent stormed in.

My eyes widened on his fierce and angry ones as he glared
at me.

“Brent?” Bulk asked, narrowing his eyes on our manager,
“What the…”

Brent completely ignored him and stalked across the room
to me, “Did you never think to tell me?”

I frowned and shook my head slightly, completely lost as
to what he was raging about. “What?”

He pulled a laptop out of his huge man bag, one that had
me often thinking he kept his wife in there, and flung it on the bed. “Open
it.”

I continued to stare in bewilderment at the usually timid
man. He was green, fuck he’d turned into the Hulk. He gave an angry jerk with
his chin to the laptop and I hesitantly leaned forward for it.

Bulk was switching glares between Brent and concerned
looks to me as I slowly flipped the lid.

I knew it before I had even opened it. I knew what it
would be. I could feel my heart slip through my chest, slide behind my ribs, sink
into my stomach and then drop with a thud on the floor.

I lifted my frightened eyes to Brent, silently begging
him not to do this but his lip curled and his fists tightened. “How the fuck
you expect me to fix this, I have no fucking idea. Just… Fuck Spirit, just
Fuck!”

“Will you calm the fuck down!” Bulk growled at Brent as
he moved a step towards me but I shook my head at him with a slight frown when
I realised he was wearing only boxer shorts and turned back to Brent.

“When did it hit?”

He scoffed loudly, his disgust and abhorrence with me
forefront on his dark skin. My throat was closing in as my chest heaved with
each struggle to draw in oxygen.

“What the hell is going on?” Bulk stormed as he snatched
the laptop from me.

“NO!” I shouted as I flipped across the bed, ripping the
catheter from my arm as I hastily fought to retrieve the evidence of my hell.

He stuttered a step backwards as his eyes widened on the
video that had hit YouTube not thirty minutes ago.

I could see the revulsion on his face as he desperately
tried to wrench his eyes away from the screen. But the film clip was just too
damn mesmerising. Too captivating and absorbing. I could see his struggle; I
could feel it emanating from him as his throat released a funny garbled sound
and his eyes eventually managed to lift to mine.

“Spirit?” It was a choked murmur, a horrified rasp and I
couldn’t fight down the choking tumour blocking my airway as I crumbled within
myself.

The single fact that Bulk had seen it, seen
Me,
like…
that, was soul destroying. My entire body was trembling; my spirit lay down and
wept as my very essence disintegrated. The expression on his face, the look of
disgust and disbelief broke the final thread holding me together.

“Your contract is terminated from immediately!” Brent
barked out before he thundered from the room but I hardly heard him. All I
could hear was the pain radiating from Bulk as he shook his head manically and
dropped the laptop to the floor.

“You… I…” His mouth opened and snapped closed as his
shock rendered him speechless.

I jolted as he screamed, punched a huge hole in the wall
and took the door off its hinges in his force to free himself of my presence.

I was numb. I didn’t feel. I had died. I had shut down,
every single emotion, sensation, perception and response had frozen as time
seemed to suspend itself to laugh at me and taunt me.

“Spirit?” Kenny’s soft voice bounced around my head and I
gradually turned to him. He was stood in the doorway, watching me with a sad
gaze. “It’ll be okay, babe.” He soothed as he settled beside me on the bed and
placed an arm around my shoulder before pulling my limp body into his.

“It’s over, Ken, it’s over.”

“Yeah, babe. It’s over,” He echoed.