Derailed (14 page)

“Deal.” She smiled, and I picked up the dessert menu.

Chapter Fourteen

Kelly’s words stuck with me when I went to see Ben that night. I knew she meant well, but she didn’t understand that it was more than fear and grief that kept me from letting my guard down with him. It was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror—I couldn’t bear to see that same reflection in Ben’s eyes. No matter how tough of an act I put on, I was hanging on by a thread and knew that it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge. I’d already hurt Ben once, and I didn’t want to do it again. Of course, I realized that it was probably too late to change that. The first kiss we shared after I got back in town had likely sealed his fate.

Beyond my self-loathing and concern for Ben was the reality that I felt more whole than I had since Adam’s death. Or really, if I was being honest with myself, since my Dad’s death. As many good times as Adam and I had, in some ways I had been sleepwalking. The guilt had always been enough to keep me from really enjoying myself. I knew how ridiculous the whole exclusive casual thing sounded, but I was still scared to commit to anything more. I liked things the way they were, and I was terrified of ruining it.

We spent most of the evening talking in his room. Ben filled me in on the details of his fishing tour venture and how he planned to expand it to include scuba diving as well. It was fun to see him get so animated about work, and I listened contently, sprawled across his bed with my head in his lap.

I was getting ready to head home when Ben stopped me. “Would coming to see another one of my shows break our agreement?”

I looked at him, still naked under the covers of his bed, and a part of me just wanted to get back in next to him. “I guess not. When and where?”

“Tuesday night at the Soapbox. It’s a cool place in Wilmington.”

“Do you promise not to play that song?”

“I promise.” His expression let me know he was genuine. “I’ll never play it again if you don’t want me to.”

“I don’t want you to.” I knew it was a big hit, but just knowing he was singing it upset me.

“Okay, consider it off our set lists permanently.”

“Thank you. I’ll see if Kelly wants to come with me.” I pulled on my tank top.

“If she can’t, let me know. I’ll make Jake go with you instead. I don’t want you sitting alone. God knows how many guys would be hitting on you. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.”

I picked up a pillow and tossed it at him. “Yes, because I am so incapable of taking care of myself.”

“I never said you couldn’t take care of yourself.”

“Fine. If you don’t hear from me, assume I’m going with Kelly.”

“Sounds good. So any big plans tomorrow night?”

“Oh yeah, hot ones.”

Ben sat up straighter.

I laughed. “Chill out. I promised Kelly we’d go see some new romantic comedy. Tom won’t go.”

“Sounds fun,” he said sarcastically.

“On that note, I’ve got to go.”

“Are you sure? I could make it worth your while if you stayed.” He opened his arms in invitation.

“As tempting as that is, I’m supposed to help Gail bake tomorrow, which means I have to get there at five.”

“So? I’m at work that early most of the time.”

“Yeah… but you were always more of a morning person than me.” Of course Ben didn’t realize I’d been making four a.m. runs a habit.

“Well, if you decide you want to come over after the movie, by all means do it.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You do that… no pressure.” From the teasing look in his eye, I knew that I needed to make a run for it if I was going to make it home anytime soon.

***

I finally learned how to make Gail’s mouthwatering strawberry-cream cheese Danishes. I’d been eating them up since I was a kid, and she’d decided it was time I baked them myself. I may have been covered in flour by the end, but I made a pretty good batch. I made sure to put one aside, so Ben could taste my handiwork. He was the only one I knew who loved those pastries as much as I did.

Gavin and Tom came in around ten a.m. I was finishing up a Coke, tired of drinking coffee, but in desperate need of caffeine. The dreams had been brutal the night before, and I’d only slept about an hour.

“Hey there, stranger who doesn’t call when she promises to,” Gavin teased when they reached the counter. I’d never seen him in uniform before, and he looked different—more intimidating maybe.

“Hi, yeah, sorry about that.” I shrugged, not offering more of an explanation. The truth was, after watching how upset Ben got about me having dinner with Gavin, I didn’t need to set him off again. Whatever we were classifying ourselves as, Ben deserved some effort to spare his feelings.

“So, we still need to talk about that thing.” He nodded toward Tom.

“Oh. Umm, would it be enough if I told you I’d call later?”

“No way.” He laughed. “I’m not falling for that again. Could you get us some coffees and then maybe you can take a break for a few minutes?”

“Okay, one second.”

I served them both their coffee and then told Gail I was taking my break. Tom must have thought we had personal things to discuss because he happily went outside to give us a semblance of privacy.

Gavin pulled out a chair for me at a table and sat down across from me. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Don’t ‘of course’ me. You scared me the other night.”

I really wished I could take back everything I’d told Gavin. He was the wrong person to open up to, I could see that now. It’s not that he wasn’t a nice guy, but I needed to make a break from him, and it would just make it harder. “I didn’t mean to scare you; just forget about it.”

“Not likely.” He looked at me seriously for a moment before his lips turned into a smile. “So, how do you feel about having the party at my place?”

“That’s fine. I really don’t know where else in town we could have it.” Somehow, it would feel wrong to throw that kind of party at my parents’ house. “How exactly do you plan one of these joint parties though? The only bachelorette parties I ever went to had pasta shaped in the form of a key part the male anatomy. I can’t imagine that flying here.”

Gavin chuckled. “A key part the male anatomy? I didn’t take you to be such a blushing virgin that you couldn’t say the word penis.”

“If you knew the kind of household I grew up in, you’d understand. That sort of conditioning is hard to shrug off.”

“Strict parents, huh?”

“A strict dad. My mom was always pretty normal, but Dad wanted to keep his girls in line.” I used my straw to stir the ice in my cup.

“Well, if your sister looks anything like you, I get it. He probably had to beat the boys away from the pair of you.”

“Very funny,” I said dryly.

“Very true.”

“So, you didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh, sorry. I think it’s pretty much an excuse to have a big party with drinking, stupid games, and celebrating the couple, you know?”

“Games?”

“Yeah, like drinking games.”

I felt my cheeks heat, realizing that I had a game to contribute. After organizing a bachelorette party for a college friend, I knew the ropes.

“What?” Gavin leaned over on an elbow toward me.

“I have this card game I can bring.”

“Card game?” He arched an eyebrow.

“I got them for a friend’s bachelorette party. It’s really just truth or dare in a pack of cards.”

“Interesting.” He got a mischievous look in his eyes.

“Whatever.”

“So bring this card game and invite whoever you think Kelly wants. Do you think this weekend is too soon? How about Friday?”

“No, I think that works. It shouldn’t take much planning. Let me know what I can bring or help with.”

“Could you come by early, help set up and everything?”

“Sure,” I said cautiously. I’d have to be extra careful when I broached that topic with Ben.

“Great.” He stood up before bending over to kiss me on the cheek. “Any interest in grabbing dinner tonight?”

I forced a smile. “I’ve got plans with Kelly.”

“Oh, cool.” He looked disappointed. “I thought I’d have better luck with a last minute invitation. You know, if I gave you less of a chance to come up with excuses.”

“Gavin, I really don’t want to lead you on. You get that nothing is going to happen between us, right?” I needed to clear my conscience, whether it made interacting with Gavin incredibly awkward or not.

“I understand nothing’s going to happen right now. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends until you’re ready for us to be more.”

“And what if I’m never ready for us to be more?”

He shot me a confident smile. “You will be. Bye, Molly.” He walked out, forgetting his empty coffee cup on the table.

***

Kelly called to cancel our plans when something came up with her mom, so I went ahead and made some calls and sent out a batch of emails about the party. I knew that Ben was the next one to invite. I doubted he wanted to go to a party at Gavin’s, but with his whole exclusive declaration, he might make himself go.

I decided to ask Ben in person. I thought about calling, but figured that he surprised me enough; it couldn’t hurt to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Ben opened the door shirtless again. This time he was wearing only gym shorts and was sweaty rather than clean.

“Hey, this is a nice surprise.” He ushered me in, careful not to touch me and get me sweaty.

“You can finish what you were doing. I just had something to ask you.”

“You’re not in a rush, are you? If you can wait, I’ll just finish and shower real quick if that’s okay.”

“Not a problem.”

“Okay, cool.” He took off down the hall.

I settled down on the couch for all of ten minutes before my curiosity got the best of me, and I went to see exactly what he was finishing. I followed the music downstairs to an unfinished basement where he had a bit of a home gym set up. He had never been that into working out when I knew him. It kind of surprised me—but it shouldn’t have considering the incredible shape he was in.

I surveyed the equipment until my eyes settled on Ben, who was bench pressing.

He finished the set of reps and sat up, his face slowly turning into a pleased smile as he caught me ogling him. “Couldn’t resist taking a look, huh?”

“Do you really mind?” I figured there was no reason to explain myself.

“Not in the slightest.” He grinned.

“You have a nice set up here. I’m kind of jealous.”

“You are more than welcome to come over and use any equipment you want. No membership fees. Just do me a favor and stay over once in a while.” Ben was getting really good at finding ways to ask me to stay the night.

“Isn’t there a reduced fee if I only want to use free weights? I’m kind of missing the gym at school. I don’t want to lose what I’ve got.” I flexed a bicep. I was proud of my arms. I’d been a total weakling in high school. I was thin, but with no muscle or anything. I’d made it a goal to get stronger when I went away to school. I wanted to be able to take care of myself the best I could. I didn’t want to ask boys to do any menial things for me. I met Becca in a kickboxing class freshman year. We ended up going to the gym together three or four times a week all though college.

“Damn, someone’s been working out.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He stood up, toweling off before heading my way. “Nuh uh, get in the shower, mister.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m clean.”

“You could just shower with me…” He gave me his mischievous grin.

“Get in the shower, Ben.”

“Okay, I’m going.”  He followed me up the stairs. “If you want to take a look again, feel free. You know where the bathroom is.”

I laughed. “I’ll be in the living room.”

Ten minutes later, Ben slid onto the couch next to me. “So what’s this thing you had to ask me? Or was it just an excuse to visit?”

“I didn’t think I needed an excuse.”

“You don’t, but maybe you were trying to save face or something.”

“Nope, but good try. I’m actually here to invite you to a party.”

He slung an arm around my shoulder. “Ohh, is this an actual date?”

“No. It’s just a party I’m attending—or really co-hosting—that I thought you might want an invite to.” I leaned into him instinctively. He smelled like soap and fresh laundry.

“Co-hosting? Who’s the other host, or should I not ask?”

“Gavin, but before you get upset, it’s a joint bachelor-bachelorette party.”

“And where is this party?” He turned to look at me.

“At Gavin’s.”

“When? Not only will I be there, but I’d be happy to drive you.”

“I have to get there early to set up.”

“Because he needs help setting up booze?” he asked skeptically.

“Yeah, I guess.” I tried to suppress a smile.

“Well, I’ll just come early with you. If he needs your help, he won’t mind an extra set of hands.”

I was sure Gavin would mind a lot, and as much as I would have loved to see the look on his face, I didn’t want to stir up trouble at Kelly’s party.

“I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

Ben got ready to argue, but I held up a finger to silence him. “But if you keep your mouth shut and don’t argue, you can take me home.”

“Deal.”  He held out his hand as if he wanted to shake on it.

I gave him my hand, which he only used as an excuse to pull me onto his lap to straddle him. He grinned. “I prefer this to a handshake.” 

Chapter Fifteen

Gavin picked me up right from work. In the end, that had seemed like the best option. I had to work until eight anyway, and I didn’t want to have to worry about getting my car home. I changed into a deep purple halter dress, leaving my other clothes at Marney’s. I didn’t want to think about how my clothes being at Gavin’s house could be construed.

I had just locked up when Gavin pulled up out front.

He parked, walking to meet me even though most people would have just waited in the driver’s seat. “You look gorgeous.” He didn’t conceal his assessment, and I tried to hide my discomfort. It was as if Gavin had turned things up. Gestures that I could have written off as friendly at one point seemed like too much—like his hand on the small of my back as I took the few steps to his passenger seat.