Desolate (4 page)

T
he second I
walked through the door and slammed it shut behind me, I yanked off the dress that threatened to swallow me whole, throwing it on the floor by the door. I’d never wear that damn thing again. My shoes quickly followed, landing somewhere between the door and the hallway leading to a room I didn’t want to enter ever again. Our bedroom. The one sacred place that we’d shared was now tarnished by the fact that we’d never share it again. This whole house was one big, disastrous memory that I wanted to rid from my mind. I couldn’t be here anymore. If I stood any chance of surviving the one final blow to my heart, I had to leave. That much I knew.

Shortly after I entered our room, I was leaving with a pair of sweats and a big t-shirt. The perfect outfit that mirrored the way I felt. I needed the comfort these ratty clothes would bring me. I dressed as I walked down the hallway, stopping short of entering our living room. The room to the left of me was our guest room and my new domain. The only question that remained was to drink or not to drink. If I had the strength, I’d choose the drink. Only the day had drained every ounce of energy that I had and sleep beckoned. The only place I didn’t have to feel the sadness that choked the life out of me minute by minute was in a dreamless sleep. The bed across the room called out to me, and I obeyed its command. The second my head hit the pillow I was gone. Off to sleep away my sorrows.

“Mommy, Mommy. Wake up, Mommy,” Liam called out as he shook my arm. I wanted to continue faking sleep, but he wasn’t having it. The longer I ignored him, the harder he shook.

He pounced on my stomach, only I was expecting it and the impact of his bounce didn’t hurt as bad as it could have. I laid in wait for the perfect moment. It arose the moment he laid his body down and got his head right near my face.

“Momm...” Only he didn’t get to finish what he was going to say because I grabbed him in my arms and started to kiss his neck. The laughter that bubbled up from him warmed my heart. There was nothing more contagious than a child’s laughter in my opinion.

“What are you doing up so early?” I questioned him as I laid him down beside me on the bed. The morning light had yet to seep through the curtains, so I knew it was earlier than he’d normally woke up.

“Find you, Mommy?” he questioned with a sad look on his face as he brought his tiny, perfect hand to my cheek. I kissed it before I had to figure out what he was talking about.

“I’m right here, baby. You don’t have to worry about finding me,” I replied as I pulled him closer. The brains of children were amazing in what they managed to understand at such a young age.

“Where’s Daddy, buddy?” I asked as I noticed that Andrew wasn’t asleep beside me.

“Gone bye-bye,” Liam replied as he pulled away his hand and began to play with his fingers.

“We can’t go bye-bye right now, buddy. It’s too early,” I replied hoping the tantrum stayed at bay.

“No, Mommy. Daddy and me go bye bye,” he insisted.

“Where did you go, buddy?” I played along as I brought my hand up to ruffle his hair the way I always did in the morning.

“Sky, Mommy. We go to sky,” he stated as he pointed to the ceiling. The night before Andrew flew him around like an airplane. That had to be what he was talking about.

“Why you not come, Mommy?” Liam asked with a confused look on his face.

“Mommy’s right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere,” I replied holding the tears back. He had to have had a bad dream or something. Every now and then he always thought one of us left him. It’s why I hated leaving him to go to work every day. It broke my heart.

“You did, Mommy. You gone. Why you leave? You not love me anymore?” he questioned.

The sounds of my screams woke me from the nightmare. My whole body was covered in sweat as I tried to catch my breath. My heart pounded against my chest cavity, threatening to burst free as I attempted time and time again to slow its racing. It appeared as if sleep wouldn’t be as comforting as I thought. My hands were clutching the comforter as tight as it could as I tried repeatedly to calm my racing heart. The whole time I stared up at the ceiling attempting to break myself from the panic attack that was brewing, Liam’s last words echoed in my mind. ‘
You not love me anymore….’
That couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I loved him so much it hurt. Even though I knew it was a horrible nightmare, the sounds of his broken voice as he muttered the words tore at my heart, tearing it to shreds even more than putting him in the ground.

I continued to stare up at the ceiling for minutes, hours, days. Who knew? The only thing I could hear in the back of my mind was the questioning tone in my little boy’s voice as he wondered if I still loved him.

The walls threatened to close in around me as I continued to stare up at nothing. This entire house was swallowing me down bit by bit. I had to get out of here before there was nothing left of me. Better yet, I could just stay. I’d wither away and die before I knew what hit me. The next question I’d have to answer was to live or not to live.

A
s I turned around
from locking the door, the detective whose face I’d never forget was standing behind me.

“I had heard that you were moving. I just wanted to come by before you’d left. Looks like I was right on time too,” Officer Tisdale replied.

“Yeah, I am. I can’t live here anymore. Too many memories, you know?”

“I can understand that. I just wanted to give you the good news in person. You can leave here knowing that your husband and son’s killer was caught last night. The eyewitness identified the suspect this morning. He’s been arrested and can’t hurt anyone else,” he said in a sorrowful tone.

I let out a sigh of relief. I hadn’t wanted to leave here without their killer being caught, but I couldn’t take it anymore. God must’ve been on my side with this one.

“It means the world to me knowing I can leave here with the knowledge that the evil man who took my world from me has been caught. It wasn’t sitting well with me that he wasn’t going to be found before I left. I just couldn’t stay here any longer.”

“I’m glad I could bring you some peace of mind before you moved. I’ll let you get back to finishing up. If you have any questions regarding the trial date, please don’t hesitate to contact me,” he replied, offering me his card.

I thanked him, and he turned and left. Even though the man wasn’t on the run anymore, it didn’t bring me any comfort. He was still living and breathing. Andrew and Liam weren’t. Reaching back, I jiggled the knob to make sure the door was locked and walked over to my SUV to leave. Sadly, this place held nothing for me anymore.

This day had officially broken me. I tried to find something to hold on to, but the memories were just too much. Everywhere I turned I saw them. The two faces that were my whole world. They were taken from me just like I knew they would be. Just like she told me everyone close to me would be. I just thought that it was over. I was completely wrong.

Four months of complete sorrow was all I could handle. Luckily, the house sold and I wouldn’t have to have constant reminders staring me in the face. I could go to my grandparents’ farm and not look back. Somewhere where the memories of what I would never have again wouldn’t consume me. I was trying to be optimistic and look at it as getting a fresh start, but part of me felt like a coward. Like I was running away from my life. I just didn’t know if I would be able to continue living like this anymore. The pain was too much. The guilt was even greater. And the worst part of it all was that in the end I knew that it was coming. I felt it the day that it happened. I would forever hold myself responsible for their deaths even though I knew that I would lose them regardless of if it was then or if it was ten years from now. Losing them was what was always going to happen and that’s my cross to bear.

Sitting in the driveway of the home that we shared, I wanted to move, but I just couldn’t for some reason. I was still riddled with anger and sadness. My main reasons for living would never run out of that door and greet me. They’d never be waiting to jump out and scare me when I came home again. We’d never share any more memories, and it pissed me the hell off. Beating the steering wheel in front of me helped, but nowhere near enough. I was angry at the world and that’s another reason I had to leave. I needed to find a way to let go of all of these feelings. I needed to find a way to come to terms with their loss and see if I could live. I was all alone in this world now, and that scared me even more than the day I had to put them in the ground.

I didn’t know where to put this anger, so I aimed at the one being that I knew could handle it.

God.

He took them from me because apparently he needed them more than I did. Well, screw that. I needed them more. I wanted them more. They were mine, and they were supposed to be here with me, damnit! Why did they have to leave me here all alone? My whole world and reason for living was gone now, and I had no clue how to keep on living. We had so much left to do. So many plans left to partake in. They were supposed to do them with me. I wasn’t supposed to do them alone. That’s the part that makes me the maddest. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to have a life without them in it. That’s why I had to leave here. The house haunted me. Every room had some sort of ghost in it that reminded me daily of what I would never have again, and I couldn’t keep living like this.

Breaking myself out of my angry haze, I wiped at the tears that streamed down my face. I couldn’t do this anymore. As much as I didn’t want to leave them behind, for my own sanity I had to. They would always be with me. I had memories of them that I’d carry with me forever and a few mementos that I couldn’t get rid of. Other than that, I gave everything to charity.

The house officially sold yesterday and I handed the keys over to the real estate agent this morning. It was hard to do, but I felt lighter knowing that I could leave this place and I wouldn’t have to come back. I could continue moving forward with my life. From here on out that’s what I planned to do. Look forward without looking back.

Putting the SUV in reverse, I backed out of the driveway and stopped in the middle of the road to take one last look at the home that we’d always dreamed of sharing. Now a new family could enjoy it as much as we had. About thirty seconds later, a horn beeping broke me out of my trance and I put the SUV in drive. My heart pounded against my chest. The further I drove away, the harder it hammered. I couldn’t breathe by the time I got to the end of our street. When I got to the stop sign, I closed my eyes, picturing the beautiful mountain scenery. My grandparents’ land had been a safe haven for me growing up, and I hoped that by going there I’d get the clarity that I needed. Four months ago, all I wanted to do was be put in the ground right beside them. Now I just wanted peace. To be able to live and breathe for no one else but me. I’d never move on from them, but I could live out my life feeling free. There wasn’t any better place for me to do that than the mountains I grew up loving. No one was out there. It’d just be me and the rolling hills.

As soon as my chest stopped feeling tight, I pulled off of the street and onto the main road. Refusing to look back and wish for what might’ve been. What should’ve been.

After stopping to fill up with gas and get a cup of coffee, I set off in the direction of my grandparents’ farm. My farm.

The drive down 64W passed by in a blur and before I knew it I was taking the exit to Route 29S. The further I drove down the all too familiar stretch of highway, the calmer I felt. I still had an aching hole in my heart, but I could finally take a deep breath without the emotions threatening to choke the life out of me.

Now entering Nelson County, Virginia.

The sign I’d been waiting to see.

I had the radio blaring on some country station and the windows down in the SUV. There was nothing like feeling the wind through your hair and smelling the mountain air. As I took in my surroundings, more mountains came into view, causing me to wish the drive would hurry and pass by. I couldn’t wait to explore the land like I used to when I was a child.

The next song to come on the radio had tears filling my eyes. Sarah Evans’,
There’s No Place That Far,
began playing and thoughts of Andrew filled my mind. He’d always told me that if I ever tried to leave him, this is what he’d do. He’d search high and low until he found me and could bring me back home. We’d always joked about me not coming home one day just so he could find me. Only this time, he was the one that would never be coming home again. It’s true what the song said, there wasn’t a place far enough away that I wouldn’t try to reach him. Only the place that he’s at now couldn’t be reached by any form of transportation. He was permanently gone from this Earth, enjoying the afterlife with our son while I was stuck here being tormented by the fact that I couldn’t enjoy it with them just yet. When that day came, I’d officially be the happiest woman alive. Death couldn’t arrive fast enough.

Before I knew it, the road that I had to turn down appeared in the distance. If I weren’t paying attention, I would’ve missed it. Within minutes, the gated entrance to my destination was in view. After I pulled into the drive, I stopped at the gate and pushed in the code that Clyde had given me. The gate slowly opened, and I put my SUV into drive and went through it. I drove up the hill and to the right, the farmhouse came into view. The two-story home had seen better days, the shutters needed replacing as well as the siding, but I could handle all of that. My newest project would be getting the house back into the shape it was in before my grandparents’ passed away. No one had lived here since then and I only had Clyde doing the bare minimum with the upkeep of the house. He had too much to do when it came to the grounds to have to handle that as well. The mountains that were directly behind the house looked as if they would swallow me whole, but I welcomed them. I couldn’t wait for the first snowfall. The mountains were beautiful in the winter, but that was months away. For now, I’d enjoy the blooms on the flowers and the crisp mountain air.

I grabbed my purse and one suitcase from the back and walked toward the house. Clyde had told me he’d be here today, but there were hundreds of acres he could be on. There was no way I could search them all and cell phone reception here wasn’t all that great. Hopefully, he remembered to leave the door unlocked or the key under the mat. I checked the knob and it was unlocked, so I walked right on in. The short hallway off of the back led to the kitchen, which seemed to have been cleaned recently.

“Hello? Anyone home?” I called out while taking in the space. The cabinets were dark cherry, but were outdated along with the appliances. Nothing that wasn’t easily replaced, but I wanted to stick to the feel of the house. Decorating was going to give me something to keep my mind busy. Just what I needed.

When I hadn’t heard anything, I went from room to room. All of the furniture was covered with sheets or throw covers, and the mounds of dust showed just how long the space hadn’t been lived in. I realized that this place could be my saving grace if I let it. Daily the emotions took hold of me and threatened to choke the rest of my life out of me. I had to figure out a way to turn them off. Shut them out permanently. If I could do that, I’d be able to live some sort of a life.

I was going through the final room upstairs when I heard the screen door bang shut. I bounced down the stairs, all of the possibilities running through my brain at once on what I wanted each room to look like.

“Hello,” I shouted from the bottom of the stairs.

“Magdalena. Is that you, sweetheart?” someone asked from the other end of the house. That had to be Clyde. No one else knew I was coming. I rounded the corner into the kitchen and the jolly old man I came face to face with reminded me of my grandfather. His peppered gray hair and beard showed his age, but the smile on his face was infectious. He had on a pair of overalls and straw cap with a pair of work boots.

“Clyde?” I hadn’t seen him in years, and my memory couldn’t place what he looked like before.

“Yes, my dear. I’m so glad you made it. This house needs some love, and it’ll be the perfect place for you to pick up the pieces.” I hoped he was right. This was my only hope of surviving the grief.

“I couldn’t agree more. How are things with the land? Did you find the horse I asked you about?” When I had decided to move here, I asked Clyde if there were still horses on the land. Sadly, there weren’t. I couldn’t have that. I remembered how much I enjoyed riding when I was a child, and I wanted to feel that way again. Free.

“I did. She’s a beauty, too. Have you had a chance to unpack yet? I see that you got the trailer instead of letting me go get your things with one of the trucks.”

“There was no need in you driving there when I had to come here anyways. Don’t you worry. I had help loading the boxes,” I reassured him. He’d been so helpful since I had called.

“Good. Now how about we go get them unloaded so you can meet the beauty and give her a name. She just arrived yesterday. Just in time for your arrival,” he beamed. He seemed all too excited about my arrival, which was refreshing for a change. He didn’t treat me like I was breakable unlike everyone else from back home. They all kept the kid gloves on when I was around. It was sickening.

“Sounds like a plan,” I replied as I walked toward the back door. The quicker I got to unloading the trailer, the quicker I could go meet my horse.

Two hours and about a thousand boxes later, the trailer was now all unpacked. The house, however, looked like a packing store had thrown up in it. Oh well, the more projects the better.

“How about we go meet that horse you were telling me about?” I asked Clyde as I finished washing my hands. I grabbed a paper towel off the roll and dried them hoping he agreed.

“Alright then. She was a little skittish yesterday so beware. We may have to work up to riding her since she hasn’t been ridden in a while. The owner was older and had her boarded for the past few months when his health declined. While she was taken care of, once she was moved she wouldn’t let anyone ride her. She’s almost three years old, and she’s a beauty,” he beamed as we walked out of the house toward the barn. The barn was a nice walk away from the house, but I welcomed it. Feeling the sunshine on my face helped me remain focused and stay in the moment.

We slid the rickety doors open to the barn. I made a mental note to add that to my to-do list when I got back into the house.

She was in the back stall closer to the back door of the barn. Her head peeked out of the stall to see what the commotion was all about. The closer we got the more excited I became, only I had to remind myself to rein it in. I didn’t want to scare the poor thing. She had to be frightened due to her new surroundings.

I faced the stall and slowly reached out my hand, the back facing the horse. I was almost close enough to touch her, and she backed away making a loud squalling sound as she shook her head.

“Hey. Easy girl. It’s okay, “I coaxed as I stood against the door of the stall. This time, when I reached my hand out, I didn’t try to touch her. Just let her see that I was there if she wanted to interact. A few moments passed, she walked up and nudged my hand with her nose, blowing out a huff of air. I didn’t make any sudden movements, though. I just let her continue to do her thing as I took in the beauty of her.