Destined to Play, Feel, Fly Trilogy (70 page)

Surrounded, enfolded by their masculinity, my body accepts their pumping rhythm until they find perfect unison in their thrusts. With my arms and legs anchored high and wide and their arms stretched out horizontally holding onto our circular frame, our three bodies are connected in a way that redefines da Vinci’s famous drawing, Vitruvian Man, becoming a new symbol of this perfection. Our synergy blends the spirit of the divine feminine with the virile masculine as their seeds simultaneously erupt into the core and essence of me.

I balance on the cusp of heavenly ecstasy. Jeremy and I are still gazing into each other’s eyes at the wonder and awe we have for each other. At knowing we could never have been together without Leo or his soul’s guardianship of my gift. We have waited more than centuries for this ultimate connection, our communion of relationships, to finish together what we’ve always been destined to do and be. This is so
much more than sex, or lovemaking, or even the gift of marriage. What we are experiencing together at this very moment in time is beyond religion and borders infinity.

Our pasts meeting our present, to enable our future.

We three are one. Always have been. Always will be.

Embraced in love, entwined in touch, we roll, we spin, we caress, until time becomes an irrelevant measure in our existence.

Never have I experienced a more sacred moment than this explosion of sexual communion we have been blessed to share as the stars align before us. As the dark shape covering Venus is lifted and she returns, my ecstasy reaches celestial heights and our combined energies are consecrated. I am as complete as I will ever be, every moment of my life and ancestry has delivered me here as I lift out of my body and ascend to the heavens above.

It is if Venus is communicating directly with me, flooding me with her gifts of love and fertility. My heart now beats for her, in her honour, as I bask in her glory. I could stay here forever as my mind’s eye sees the universe from her perspective.

A place and time before man tainted religion by his greed and need for power and control, where sexuality was rejoiced in, and the female form revered for our ability to recreate and reproduce on earth. Where nature and rebirth is celebrated and woven into the very fabric of humankind.

I overflow with images of goddesses and high priestesses who were worshipped for their fertility and creation by civilisations, so maintaining the balance and source of universal order by nurturing both Mother Earth and the children she bore.

Beauty and nature and sex and love and intimacy. Will this universal connectedness ever be given permission to reconnect? It seems our egos have allowed our minds to take centre stage for too long, allowing science to replace spirituality in dictating our new path as the progression of our species continues. Our behaviour, our health, our wellbeing influenced by this new regime, but disconnected somehow. Man-made drugs that ensure our longevity and lessen our pain, designed to make us happier and healthier, yet we wonder still why we are so discontent.

I feel unexpected gratitude for my bravery in embarking on this journey, for being willing and open to exploring the undiscovered, and engage once again in creativity, imagination and play. It has kept my soul vital and strong within my consciousness. I understand that the time has arrived, that enough is enough. Now more than ever before, we long for the reconciliation of our sensuality and our soul. For the earth to heal it needs nurturing, it needs loving. Change is upon us and it requires the ultimate communion between science, sexuality and spirituality, the need for a higher state of consciousness.

As Venus relinquishes me, I am left surrounded with a warmth and love that is as absolute as it is complete.
Her brightness recedes as the full moon obscures some of her brilliance, our act of sexual intimacy remains illuminated and our purpose becomes immaculately clear. We three exist to foster this integration.

The purpose of everything I have been through these past months crystallises. My meeting with Jeremy, the conditions of my time with him forcing me to leave the shell of my old self. I reflect on my deliberations in accepting Jeremy’s proposal and how at the time I likened it to being Eve accepting the forbidden apple. My redundant values were based in origins I never fully investigated, I merely wafted along with society’s tide. A code that delineated right from wrong, black from white, in a world that was clearly never meant to be either. But when I finally embraced my sexuality and let my old conventions and assumptions fall away, I was again challenged by science and threatened by fear, which only served to strengthen my resolve and clarify my thoughts about who I am and what I stand for.

And now this. I have been so honoured to be able to take this journey into a spiritual universe beyond the realms of plausibility in my mind, so that instead of questions, I now have answers. Knowledge of what lies beyond our human limitations, the knowledge of unconditional universal love and connectedness that each of us have a choice to embrace and make a significant and meaningful part of our lives.

As these realisations settle, Venus beckons me to join her one last time before she disappears into the
skies once more. My lovers disconnect from my body behind me as I follow her, intrigued. I feel my essence spiralling toward her in some sort of vortex, as though I’m being magnetically pulled from the core of my bellybutton toward her secret world. The spinning stops and I find myself in a cave that could only be described as womblike. It feels soft and cushioned and completely serene, in shades of pink and rose and fiery orange. I hear the subdued thud of Mother Earth’s heart continually beating, soothing our souls.

I am not here in any physical form, but I understand that I belong here, have always belonged here. This is where I come from and this is where I will ultimately return — though I also know that in the deepest level of my soul, I have never truly left.

My thoughts, my feelings and my love are overflowing through my spirit, wave after wonderful wave, infinity replenishing itself, over and over again. The feeling is so pure and so strong I know it stems from the source of life itself. It is part of me, it is all of me, it contains me. I am it. I am the mother of unconditional love, nurturer of the earth. I am both the heart and the womb, embracing and embraced by the divine feminine.

From around the circular walls of the womblike cavern, I can feel the presence of others, at one with me yet slightly separated. We should be united, but we are not ready yet. I am meeting the oldest and deepest souls of my sisterhood, welcoming me into their sacred union. They share my love and I their wisdom, each
soul having their own unique gifts and talents. They have been waiting for a long time for my arrival so that our circular connection can be complete.

My soul is replenished, refreshed and invigorated from my connection with my sisterhood; I feel the core of my belly being pulled again in the opposite direction, away from the infinite comfort of the secret womb. I become the tears I shed in both joy and the knowledge that I don’t know when I’ll return to this heavenly and sacred place. Until the stars align again.

The light of Venus diminishes as the bright moon temporarily blinds me to her presence. It as at this point that I return to my physical being and darkness descends on both the heavens above and devours my conscious state.

Risk — more others think is safe

Care — more than others think is wise

Dream — more than others think is practical

Expect — more than others think is possible

Cadet Maxim

I
open my eyes to blinding lights and an excruciating pain in my head, as if an axe has sliced it in half. I close them immediately with the hope that the pain will subside but have no luck.

I try to move my arms to feel what is wrong with my head, but find that I can’t move them from my side. My stomach churns and I feel my body violently and involuntarily heave itself forward and project vomit into the air around me.

God, I feel awful. Unable to ascertain what has happened to me nor what is happening around me, I collapse backwards in a hot sweat when the retching subsides. The faint sound of subdued voices swirling around me become distant and deadened, as blackness takes me far, far away.

I hear the intermittent beeping of a machine before any other cognition occurs. I’m laying down flat and feel a dull pain in the side of my head. I pause for a moment before I’m brave enough to open my eyes. I don’t know where I may find myself physically, mentally or spiritually or even what century I may be in as my consciousness returns slowly but surely.

When I do, the brightness is overwhelming and I have a flash of memory of opening my eyes at Avalon after having been blind and in darkness with Jeremy all those months ago. Where on earth am I now? I can’t be in yet another version of Avalon, can I? My head hurts even thinking and my body feels weak. I notice a drip in my hand and groan inwardly, wondering if Jeremy has gone completely over the top again in his doctor role. Where am I? Where are my children? Why am I alone?

Unconsciousness steals me away again.

Next time I wake, I find my hand being held and Jeremy sitting by my bedside. I turn to look toward him, and the journal he’s been reading falls to the floor as he jumps up from his seat.

‘Alexa, sweetheart. Don’t try to turn your head, just keep still.’ Instead, he moves so he is in my line of sight. He is smiling at me, but I don’t miss the deep concern etched in his face and eyes. I smile back and notice how dry my lips are. I must look a sight.

‘Hi,’ is all I can manage in a raspy voice.

‘Well, good morning, Dr Blake. It’s great to have you back.’

Where have I been, I want to ask, but instead say, ‘Where am I?’

‘In Boston, Massachusetts.’

‘Oh, right.’ I really do jet around these days. My simplistic, home-and-work lifestyle seems like a distant dream these days. He notices my confusion.

‘You were in the Neurological Intensive Care Unit at the Brigham and Women’s Hospital. We brought you here as soon as we realised that you had a depressed fracture of your temporal bone and might have ruptured your meningeal artery.’

He has a tendency to bombard me with medical jargon at the best of times, let alone when my head feels like this.

‘Will I be okay?’

‘Yes, sweetheart.’ His smile exudes confidence and the back of his hand tenderly strokes my cheek. I feel myself relax from the tension I didn’t know I was holding. ‘It looks like you will make a full recovery and there will be no permanent damage, just some mild headaches for the next month or so. You’re been under excellent care in here. This hospital is affiliated with Harvard and I do much of my work with the depression centre here. We were very worried for the first forty-eight hours, given your vomiting, but since then your recovery has been excellent.’

Oh no, not more lost hours of my life.

‘How long have I been here?’

‘Just less than a week. We didn’t want to take any risks when it comes to your brain, GG.’

I look at him, puzzled, and his brow creases immediately.

‘Oh, I see, you’re testing my cognitive abilities. Don’t stress, J, I know I’ll always be your gorgeous girl.’

His relief at my words is palpable and we both smile as he squeezes my hand.

‘I don’t remember very much,’ I say.

‘You’ve been on strong painkillers and mild sedatives to give your body time to heal, so you’ve more than likely been wafting in and out of consciousness. Sometimes the drugs can even cause hallucinations or at least some pretty vivid dreams.’

Trying to decipher what was real or not is too hard for my brain.

‘Where are Elizabeth and Jordan?’

‘They’re here too. They’ve been in and out, mostly in the afternoons. They understand you’ve needed your rest but they’ll no doubt be thrilled to speak to you.’

‘So they’re back from the Amazon? Is everyone okay?’ I try to sit up and he gently rests his hand against my shoulder to keep me still while he presses the button for my electronic bed to raise me up.

‘Everyone is absolutely fine. No wild animal attacks, no infectious diseases. It sounds like the kids had a ball, as did Robert and Adam. They’ve been making a slide show of all their photos and it sounds like they’ll be penpals with Marcu for years to come.’

‘Oh, that’s great. What a relief they’re well.’ I rest my head back on the pillow. ‘So what happened to me? Or more like, why does something always happen to me? It seems that every episode in my life lately ends with me needing a drip.’

Jeremy notices my hand twitching as he holds it. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll get rid of the drip as soon as we can, as soon as you’ve eaten. Would you like some water?’

I nod. I can tell he wants to accommodate my every need, making me feel cherished and loved from the inside out.

‘You don’t feel nauseous, do you?’ He sounds like he’s reprimanding himself for not asking earlier and I want him to stay in Jeremy mode, rather than revert to doctor mode on me.

‘No, I feel good. Tell me, what happened?’

‘What’s the last thing you remember?’

‘Jeremy!’ I raise my voice and it comes out as a husky screech. I’m not playing that game with him. Besides, there are so many distinct, weird and wonderful memories going through my head that I’ll need a while to process them before they will be in any reasonable order for discussion. Just the thought of it right now makes my head hurt.

‘Okay, okay. You need to stay calm. Do you remember the shaman?’

I nod.

‘We were all sitting with him and everything went a little weird. Leo and I have had a brief conversation, but
we have slightly different versions of what occurred, so we thought we’d wait until you were feeling better to piece it together. It seems as though some things were real and some things just happened in our own minds. Either way, we were standing up and suddenly your body started convulsing like it did the first time you had the ayahuasca —’

‘What do you mean, convulsing?’

‘You don’t remember?’

I shake my head.

‘Each time you drank the most potent blend, you experienced varying degrees of convulsions. It scared the living daylights out of me at first but then I became more used to it, knowing in less than a minute you’d be in a “calm and otherworldly” state — by the way, those are Leo’s words, not mine.’

He pauses and kisses my hand before continuing.

‘Anyway, this last time, the time with the shaman, you had no convulsions at the beginning but later, after you ended up standing, it was as though some invisible force took over your body and you were spinning, with your head thrown back, moving around the clearing we were in. We didn’t know whether to stop you or let you go and you kept going faster and faster until you fell over, smashing your head on a rock.’

I raise my free hand to the bandage on the left side of my head, just behind my ear.

‘We were suddenly released from the trance-like state we were in and as soon as we saw you were injured, we organised to make our way back to Miami
at once. But when you started vomiting in the plane, I wanted you under the care of my colleagues in this hospital, immediately.’

I see the depth of his emotion, the fear for my life, flash past his eyes as he recounts his story. I squeeze his hand as it rests in mine.

‘Well, it seems like it was a good decision, and if you say I’m going to be fine, I know I will be.’

He returns to the present and to me, and kisses my cheek. ‘Yes, sweetheart, you will be fine and it’s excellent having you back. Do you need anything for your pain?’

‘I’m not sure. My head is still aching but it’s not too bad.’ He presses the call button for the nurse.

‘You’ll need to take it easy for a while. You had to have a small blood transfusion shortly after you arrived here.’

‘Really?’ This is more of a shock. Even Jeremy looks a little unsettled.

‘Your blood wasn’t coagulating as well as we’d hoped so the surgeon thought it best after cleaning your wound and well …’ He hesitates.

‘What is it, J?’

‘Well, AB, there was blood on your nipples during your soul flight and I couldn’t understand what was causing it. It appeared to be old blood rather than fresh, it’s really quite baffling …’ He scratches the side of his head as though he is still attempting to come up with an acceptable scientific theory.

Caitlin’s face appears in my mind. ‘Wow, that’s amazing. I really must have been connected to her.’

He looks back toward me, into my eyes. ‘Connected?’

‘There is so much to tell you. Let’s just say, during my soul flight, this girl Caitlin, well, it was me too, I suppose, in a strange way —’ I realise this is going to much more difficult to explain now that I’m back in the ‘real’, present world ‘— had both her nipples pierced so I imagine that’s why mine ended up that way. I was connected to her, Jeremy, as though part of me was actually her. I felt what she was going through.’

He looks at me thoughtfully. ‘You know, sweetheart, before the trip to the Amazon, I would have said you were stark raving mad, or at least a little mentally incapacitated from the blow to your head, but since experiencing everything we have, even I have to admit there are some things science and medicine can’t explain. And I have the blood sample to prove it.’

I look at him. ‘From my nipples?’ I say, astonished.

He nods. ‘Although it is the same AB blood grouping, it’s definitely not your blood, although there are distinct DNA attributes that are similar. It’s utterly perplexing.’

I can’t help but grin. ‘That’s because it’s Caitlin’s.’

So much is coming back to me with these words and thoughts, so many realisations I didn’t have before my Amazonian experience. I close my eyes, momentarily recalling the insights I received from the universe, the reason I’m here, with Jeremy, the reason Leo was in my past and will be in my future and what we can all achieve together. I hear Jeremy in the background
telling me I need to rest as much as possible if I’m to be with everyone for Christmas.

I’m snapped back to reality so fast I can’t believe it hasn’t dawned on me before now. The memory of the situation I left behind me rises up and shakes through my entire body like a blanket of dread.

‘What’s wrong, Alexa, you’ve just gone deathly white.’ Jeremy scans the monitor as a nurse arrives in the room.

‘Jurilique? Am I a condemned woman?’ My limbs are trembling as I picture those photos and headlines and imagine the worst of what my children may think of me now. No wonder they’re not here with me, they may not ever want to see me again after what I’ve done …

‘I think she’s going into shock again.’ The nurse rushes to my side adding something to my drip and pages another doctor.

Jeremy, tell me
. I cry the words though they only form in my brain as paralysing fear spreads through me. He holds both my hands and stares deeply into my eyes as warmth envelops my body.

‘There’s nothing to worry about. Just rest now, sweetheart, close your eyes. All will be well, I promise you.’

I attempt to stay focussed as long as I can, but the room recedes along with Jeremy’s loving green eyes, taking me away yet again to a place of nothingness.

I wake up looking out through the elevated bay window toward a spectacular winter wonderland and need to pinch myself to prove I’m not dreaming — again.

I have always wanted to experience a white Christmas and never had the opportunity and here I am, in Whistler, British Columbia. Everyone has gathered at Leo’s ski chalet and although I’ll miss my family and the seafood feast followed by a surf at the beach which comprises a hot summer Christmas back in Australia, I know I will make the most of every minute experiencing this magic time of the year with the kids in this special part of the world. That is, if they ever come in from snowboarding — they are obsessed by this new sport, and by the sounds of things Jeremy and Robert are taking every opportunity to take them out as often as they’d like.

I still seem to need quite a bit of rest so my nights are long and days are intermittent. Jeremy tells me this is a good sign and part of the healing process, as long as my headaches are kept at bay, which they seem to be. We only arrived a few days ago and I was so exhausted from the trip, I haven’t even managed to step outside Leo’s magnificent lodge and explore the terrain. I haven’t even bothered raising the prospect of skiing as I can just imagine the response. Though I have to admit with everything that has happened, I wouldn’t have the energy to even walk in ski boots, let alone carry the skis at the moment. I’m pretty content drinking hot chocolates and snoozing by the fire.

Apparently, Leo and Jeremy have spent quite a few Christmases together here with their families. This history makes the time here even more significant for me, knowing I am an embedded part of their lives now. I stretch my arms and take a moment to reflect on everything that has happened these last couple of weeks.

I was filled with joy and relief to find out from Martin that Josef and Salina were safely evacuated from the Xsade facility in Lake Bled. Apparently the new security system had severely malfunctioned causing a series of explosions much more powerful than anticipated and somehow triggered secondary explosions that caught fire and all but annihilated the entire facility. Thankfully, Salina had managed to locate Josef and they escaped at precisely the right time but not before he attempted to save Madame Jurilique who was trapped beneath a machine. Even after all she had done to him, his compassion managed to shine through. Instead of leaving her to die, he did what he could to save her chemically burned face.