Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (27 page)

We pulled into the apartment building’s parking garage about twenty minutes later, and after parking in his space and turning the ignition off, Steven turned to me. For several minutes, he just sat stroking behind my left ear, rubbing was what left of my hair. I felt off-balance and unnerved by the way he watched me. Whenever he looked at me, I always had to wonder if he would find something wrong, if he’d hurt me for it. Right then, however, he looked at me like I was something precious. It made me nauseated.

When his fingers moved from my hair to my face, he leaned over the center console and kissed my cheek. As his lips traveled a bit closer to my mouth, I turned my head so he could kiss me. Some things were just easier to go along with than to fight. Steven deepened the kiss, pushing me back against the seat, and pain shot through my back, but I didn’t react to it. I just continued to kiss him. When it began to turn more provocative, I started to worry that maybe he would want to skip dinner. If I could just get him to go to the restaurant, maybe there was a chance I could get out of sex altogether. When we had a bottle of wine at dinner, there was always the chance he would fall asleep when he got home.

“Mmm…. We should go to the restaurant before it gets too crowded,” I said, gently trying to disengage from the kiss. He heaved a disappointed sigh but pulled back.

“I guess I did promise you a nice dinner first, didn’t I?” he asked, and his hard face pulled up into a smile. After one final kiss on my forehead, he opened his door and got out, and I followed with a silent sigh of relief.

Ten minutes later, a hostess showed us to a table in the outdoor section of the small Italian café. I found it rather ironic that this turned out to be one of Steven’s favorite places because when I was on the street, I used to steal food from the tables before a busboy cleared them. George had taught me that trick a few days after I had lost my nerve on the way to my dad’s office to confront him about kicking me out. I had only stolen when this one older waitress was working because I think she had a soft spot for me. She had never turned me in, anyway. Unfortunately, she had only worked two days a week. As hard as things were with Steven, at least I knew I’d eat every day, not just a couple of days during the week.

“Hey,” Steven said softly to get my attention. I’d been staring off at the street, lost in thought, rather than paying attention to him. I looked over at him, and he touched my hand.

“You okay?” he asked and stroked my fingers. “Did something happen at the shoot today?” I panicked for a minute at his question, unable to believe I’d become that transparent. He couldn’t possibly know about Brian, so I decided to play dumb.

“No, baby, I’m just tired,” I said, taking his hand in mine, trying to distract him. It was rare that I initiated contact between us, and it was something Steven really enjoyed. The distraction worked, and he smiled as he looked down at our joined hands. Sometimes, I hated sweet Steven even more than mean Steven because he tried so hard.

“Tomorrow, we’re replacing the computer system on the boilers in the building, so I have to work all day. I know it’s Sunday, but that was the best day for us to get it done. Why don’t you take the truck and go over to Alex’s for pizza and a movie?” he suggested. Steven liked for me to take the truck rather than the bus or trolley to go places because it had an onboard GPS tracking system. If I didn’t come home, all he had to do was call the company and he’d know exactly where the truck was, presumably with me nearby. But the idea of getting out of the house and spending an evening just talking to someone appealed to me.

“Okay, I’ll call him later to see if he’s busy. Thanks,” I replied quickly as the waitress came to take our orders.

Later that night, as I was lying underneath Steven trying not to feel his breath on my neck, I let my hatred for him fester a little deeper. I had wanted to pretend to sleep and remember Brian making love to me that afternoon. Instead, he slowly erased the feel and the scent of Brian on me, replacing it with his own.

His king-sized bed felt oppressively small when I was pinned under his weight, and the black sheets made me feel like I was in a cave.

Sore, depressed, and utterly exhausted, I feigned sleep as he came back from discarding the condom so he wouldn’t see that the bed was dry. Steven wrapped himself around me, laying a hand on my chest over my heart as he nestled down for the night. I kept my breathing deep and even so he would believe I was asleep even though that meant I wouldn’t get any drugs as a reward for my good shoot at Hartley’s. Instead, I just let my mind wander back to Brian and daydreamed about a world where we could be together.

“Y
OU
have to eat,” Alex told me as I sat on his living room floor and he stood above me, waiting for an answer about pizza toppings. His hands rested on the hips of his designer jeans, and his face was in a full-blown pout. “Besides, if you don’t have any, then I’ll eat more, and I have the metabolism of an African hippo! Please, Jamie!” Stomping his foot for dramatic effect, his mouth quirked up into half a smile when I started to laugh.

“Fine, how about sausage and mushroom?” I suggested, still laughing at his theatrical pout.

Alex tossed his hair back out of his eyes and smoothed down his screen-print T-shirt, making the cartoon character on the front dance.

“Mmm… I love a good sausage,” he commented, and I snorted into my rum and Coke while he picked up his cell phone from the intricate glass table next to the couch.

I crawled across the cheaply carpeted floor to his DVD collection and scanned the shelves of movies to look for something that would hold my interest. Alex’s taste leaned more toward musicals than action movies, but I figured I could find something for us to watch. As I started reading the titles on the third shelf, Alex read off his address.

“Thanks,” he finished and ended the call before coming over to the DVD cabinet. “No, I just got a new one that I want to watch; hang on.” He passed me and walked down the short hall to his bedroom.

“It isn’t porn; is it?” I asked warily, not understanding how Alex could even still watch porn after being in it and seeing how fake it was. He rummaged around for a minute, the sound of plastic bags filtering down the hallway as I sat waiting.

“No, it’s not porn,” he said, finally coming back down the hall with the DVD in his hand. He tossed it to me, and I saw that there were two boys on the front kissing. Rolling my eyes, I flipped the box over and started to read the description on the back:
A coming of age story about two boys overcoming all odds to be together.

“Really?” I asked him, flipping the case back. “You know shit like that doesn’t happen in real life, right?”

“A girl can dream,” he said simply and handed me a small, folded piece of notebook paper. I stared at it for a minute, hoping it wasn’t what I thought it was.

“What’s this?” I asked, almost afraid to open it because I just knew it would be from Brian.

“We aren’t in third grade. It isn’t a love note. It’s Brian’s phone number,” he said with a sigh and handed me his cell phone before going into the kitchen under the pretense of getting things ready for the pizza that wouldn’t be there for at least half an hour. He left to give me time to talk to Brian alone, but as I stared at the paper, my eyes just studied the handwriting I knew as well as my own. As kids, we’d sat working on homework together, checking and correcting each other’s stuff. I let my fingers trace slowly over the indentations his pen had made when forming his name, knowing I wouldn’t be able to call him—not yet. The shock of him being in San Diego, the knowledge that he was doing porn because of me, the feeling of him inside me: everything was still too raw. I felt like a jagged tear that might never heal had been ripped across my chest.

“I don’t hear any talking in here,” Alex said, coming back into the room with two paper plates and a roll of paper towels. I threw the phone back at him, probably harder than I should have because I was upset. He dropped the paper towels and caught the phone against his stomach with a sharp glare at me.

“I can’t… at least, not yet,” I told him. Even in my own ears, my voice sounded weak and broken. His glare softened, and he dropped the plates onto the coffee table. Alex crawled onto the couch behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, so I leaned back into him. Even though we were just friends, it felt really nice to be held by someone who cared about me because of who I was, not what I could give him. Aside from Brian, who had been my best friend my whole life, Alex was my closest friend. It had taken me awhile to be able to trust him, but he’d braved Steven’s wrath too many times for me ever to doubt him.

“Do you love him?” he asked quietly.

“I’ve loved him all of my life. Now, I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t,” I replied in a whisper, almost afraid to say it out loud, afraid that if I admitted it, Steven would take it away. The idea was completely irrational since I knew that Steven couldn’t hear me, but the fear was automatic.

“Then why wouldn’t you want to talk to him?” Alex’s voice was gentle but strong as he stroked my arms where they lay underneath his on my stomach.

“Calling him, talking and wishing with him, would just give us both hope, and I can’t afford to hope.”

“But what if Corey was right? What if they can get you away from him so that you and Brian can be together?” Alex asked as he squeezed me a little tighter, as if that would bolster the possibility.

“Don’t say that. All they are going to do is get themselves hurt… or worse. I know him, Alex. Steven won’t let me go without a fight, and it’s not just about the money,” I said with a sigh. I had to tell him, but I knew how repulsed he would be. He had to know the extent of it, though, so he would understand how serious my situation was. “He told me that he loves me.”

“No!” Alex gasped.

“Yeah,” I replied, and sagged back against him. “Now you see how seriously he would take it if I left.”

“Oh my God, what did you say?”

“Thankfully, we were in a position where I couldn’t really say anything, so I didn’t.” I turned to give him a significant look, and he made a face.

“Ew.”

“Exactly.”

“You should at least talk to Brian. We talked a little when he gave me his number to give to you. He’s nice,” Alex murmured.

“How did he even know that we were friends?”

“I… uhm… I may have asked him for his number,” he replied quickly, and I sighed. They were all going to keep conspiring until one of us got hurt… badly.

“I’ll think about it, okay? That’s all I can promise. But not tonight. It just… it hurts too much right now,” I whispered and pulled away, grabbing the DVD from where it lay discarded on the couch. “I’m going to put the movie in. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

About fifteen minutes into the movie, the pizza arrived. I got up to answer the door since Steven had given me money to pay. Normally, I hid every dime he gave me for a time when I could get away from him, but Alex paid every time we went out, and that wasn’t fair to him. After paying the delivery driver, I brought the pizza back into the living room and dropped it on the table.

“I would have gotten it, babe,” Alex said as he began to pry the box open. The smell of melted cheese and spicy sausage intensified as the cardboard lid popped free. Pizza was one of my all-time favorite foods. Looking back, I guess that’s because Mom used to order pizza on Saturday nights sometimes when she had a lot to do for church. More often than not, Brian ate dinner with us those nights. Mom would order a veggie for her and Dad, and a sausage for Brian and me, which we ate on the couch in front of the television. Things had been so much simpler then.

If I hadn’t screwed everything up, we could have been eating pizza together at college.

Instead, we were both selling ourselves in porn.

“Hey,” Alex said quietly before handing me a plate. “Whatever you’re thinking, don’t. You’re supposed to be over here having fun.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I sighed, taking the plate and dropping two pieces on it before handing it back. He handed me the second plate, and I took a slice for myself. I’d eat it because if I didn’t, Alex would be upset, but I wasn’t hungry. Lately, it seemed like I never got hungry. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I just… existed. I took a moment to wonder what would happen if I stopped doing that too. Sitting back against the couch, I motioned to Alex for the remote and turned the movie back on.

It just seemed better than thinking.

A
N
INCESSANT
poking woke me up.

“Jamie, hon? It’s past midnight; you need to get home. I’m surprised he hasn’t texted me already to see where you are,” Alex said and started to shake my shoulder. I sniffed a few times, and my mind caught up with my body as I woke. Bleary-eyed, I looked up at Alex, and my stomach rolled. Moaning as I sat up, I held my head and just sat on the edge of the couch for a minute, trying to get my head on straight.

“Here, drink this.” Alex handed me an unopened Pepsi, which he must have just taken out of the refrigerator because it felt nice and cold. My hands shook as I tried to open the can, and he steadied them with his own. I needed a fix so badly I could practically taste the coke hitting the back of my throat as I snorted it, or the smoke from a joint filling my lungs. The rush, the uncaring, happy feeling seemed so close. Then I remembered I hadn’t brought anything to Alex’s with me.

I needed to get home if I wanted a fix.

“Thanks,” I said, taking a drink from the can and standing up. The caffeine and sugar helped with my shaking hands, and I put my shoes on before hugging Alex.

“You’re okay to drive home?” he asked, no doubt referring to the rum I’d had when I arrived.

“Yeah, I’m fine, hon. Don’t worry,” I replied with a shrug. Drunk or sober, it didn’t really matter. If I wasn’t in bed when Steven woke up, I’d be in trouble. Plus, I really wanted that hit.

With a kiss on Alex’s cheek, I headed down the hall to the elevator of his apartment building. Not as nice as ours, the building was older but well maintained. Years of moving tenants had scuffed the baseboards, but the carpets were clean. As I waited impatiently for the elevator to make it up to the fifteenth floor, I fidgeted with my keys in my pocket, making them rattle in the quiet expanse of the hallway. Finally, I balled my hands into fists to stop them from shaking. After what seemed like hours, the doors opened, and I scampered in, slapping the button for the first floor. The trip down took twice as long as waiting for the elevator to arrive.