Diary of a Dieter (6 page)

Sitting at Adam’s feet, looking smug and extremely pleased with himself was Jacob. And in Jacobs’s mouth was an enormous toad. The poor thing was screeching for its life and as Adam
pulled it from Jacobs’s mouth, the cat then decided to try and climb his leg to retrieve his prize. In the craziness, Adam dropped the toad, and it scrambled beneath the sofa. So there they were—the toad, hiding under the settee, and Adam holding up said sofa with one hand and trying desperately to hold Jacob back from it. He managed to save the poor thing but not before enduring a scratching session from Jacob. What Adam described next was something akin to a Mexican standoff: Jacob on one side of the room, and Adam on the other, with the toad in the centre of this showdown. It was cat reflexes versus Doctor Dolittle. Leaping on the creature, Adam scooped the toad up in his hands, and tossed it from the floor out of the open window. Jacob chased after it, but sitting on the window ledge, he decided the jump wasn’t worth the prize. Glaring at Adam, the two of them formed a mutual respect. I assumed Jacob felt any human that was that dedicated to saving a toad deserved a little slack. And I think Adam was just impressed at Jacobs’s determination for eating it. Either way, it made my life a lot easier.

Walking over, I gave the little guy a tickle behind the ear. Jacob, not Adam. Though I’m sure Adam wouldn’t have minded the attention.

“Who’s going to look after Jacob while I’m gone?”

Adam looked up and smiled at me. “I’ve got it covered. Your gran is going to stay here while we’re gone and cat sit.”

I gawped at him. “My gran? Are you nuts? I have to go hide some things!”

Catching my elbow, Ness shook her head. “No time. Cab is on its way. Say goodbye to Jacob, and let’s go!”

Flinging open the front door, she marched merrily down the stairs. I glanced back at Dana who simply shrugged, gave Jacob a quick fuss, and followed Ness out.

“Adam, please don’t make me do this.”

He smiled and stood beside me, throwing his arm around my shoulder, and taking my case in his free hand.

“It’s going to be fine. You’ll see. I’ll take this down and meet you at the car.” Giving me a quick wink and a peck on the forehead, he left. I sat on the sofa next to my bewildered cat.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this. We’ve been dumped, ditched, and now we’re being subjected to hell on Earth. I have to admit, yours is worse. Just stay out of her way, and try not to bring home any nasty surprises. I’ll only end up blamed for them, and you’ll end up neutered. I think we can agree that you like your balls as much as I like my peace and quiet. Do we have a deal?”

He gave me a look that suggested he had somewhat understood my predicament, but with a sigh and a snuggle, he simply turned over and began cleaning his crotch. Great. Even the males in the
feline
world were neglecting me for their genitals! Maybe I needed this holiday more than I thought.

The taxi ride from the airport to the park seemed to take forever. Dana and Ness had spent the entire flight and now the short drive to the hotel, pouring over the itinerary for the next four days. Yes, four days with two princesses bigger than any that Disneyland had to offer. Adam gave me a sympathetic smile from across the table. Rolling my eyes, I fumbled mindlessly with the
styrofoam cup, which had contained a bitter espresso that promised to ‘perk me up,’ but was so far falling flat. It’s not as though I wasn’t grateful to them, but this really wasn’t the trip to the Magic Kingdom I had originally been planning on taking.

Ness and Dana had booked us an amazing long weekend for my hen party. They’d each arranged specific challenges and had even bought us princess outfits. I wasn’t thrilled at the idea of wearing an enormous ball gown on a rollercoaster, but it did sound like a good bit of fun. And now, I’m going to spend my time there wallowing over my broken engagement and suffering the high-pitched squeals of my two twenty-six, going on twelve year old, friends.

“Oh, Oh! I can see the castle from here! This is going to rock,” Dana squeaked while bouncing animatedly up and down in her seat.

“Will you act your age for five minutes? God, it’s like travelling with a ten year … Oh my God, look at that hotel!”

Ness’s attempt to seem sophisticated and unaffected by the lure of the fantasy world was not as convincing as she’d hoped. As we approached the New York-themed hotel, even I had to admit it was a little awesome.

Ness and Dana practically leapt from their seats and hurried in to the hotel, leaving Adam and I to pay the taxi and collect our bags. Typical.

Hauling the bags from the trunk, Adam raised an eyebrow at me.

“Well, this is going to be an interesting break. With the Tinkerbell twins acting like children and with you making a face like you just got kicked in the gut, I’d say an all-round successful trip so far.”

I raked my fingers through my mass of red hair.

“This is not what I had in mind to help me get over being ditched.”

He gave a throaty laugh. “I’m sure it’s not. And ice cream, cookies, whipped cream, and stagnating on your couch was working so much better. There aren’t any rules or instructions on how to break up, Charlie. You just have to roll with the punches.”

Bustling out of the entrance door, Ness held an array of maps in her hands.

“Okay, so here’s how this is going to work. Rule number one: no one is to even utter that shit streak Brad’s name from this point onward. Rule number two: wallowing in self-pity is strictly prohibited. Rule number three: you will dump every pair of yoga pants and fat girl t-shirts the moment we unpack. This has got to stop. And the final rule: you will spend the next four days doing exactly as you are told by the three of us.” She glanced at Adam who was shaking his head at her.

“Well, me and Dana then. Any questions?”

I wanted to slap her around the face and scream that she was nuts if she thought I was spending the next four days under her reign of terror. But, I decided a vow of silence was going to be far less trouble. Throwing her a simple ‘whatever,’ I grabbed my case and dragged it behind me in to the hotel.

* * * *

The room Ness had booked for us was enormous, and I didn’t even want to hazard a guess at the cost. The entire suite was decorated in a 1920s New York style. Ness had already begun hanging her clothes in every possible wardrobe, which left a small chest of draws and very slim closet for Dana and me to share. Lucky for Dana, she was as thin as a broom handle and therefore, her clothes took up very little space. This thankfully left more room for my tents, pool covers, and bed sheets that I called outfits. But, what Ness pulled out of her case next was anything but frumpy. Holding her hand above her head, she displayed a pale blue and white ball gown.

“Oh my God. You didn’t? Please, tell me that you did not bring those horrific costumes!” Dana begged with a look of sheer terror on her face, but it was no use. Tossing the ball gown on the bed, Ness produced a Little Mermaid outfit and a Snow White quickly followed. I held my hand over my eyes, as though not looking would make the horrible things disappear.

“You don’t honestly still expect us to wear those do you, Vanessa?” I asked knowing full well what the answer would be.

“Of course we’re wearing them! And don’t full name me. You only get to full name me when I’ve broken a girl code rule. No rule broken here and no way either of you are crawling out of this.”

I snickered mockingly. “Crawl out of it? Ness, when we bought those, I was at least three sizes smaller! I’ll be interested to know how I can possible cram my grande sized arse
in
to it!”

Dana picked up the Snow White outfit with a coat hanger and held it at arm’s length. “Oh, this is just hideous.”

Ness fisted her hands on her hips. “Well, I like that gratitude. I paid an extra forty pounds to get that through customs. That ball gown alone weighs a tonne!”

Dana gave me a sympathetic look, and I knew right away that she was swaying in Ness’s
favour. Shaking my head fiercely, I held my hands up. “Not a chance. I am not playing Cinderella, and I am not wearing that dress! I should have been sliding into my wedding dress this week, not an itchy, nylon outfit that looks as though an eight year old dreamed it up! No, no, no!”

The two of them stared at me, and a game of ‘who will crack first’ began. I had been jilted, cheated, and dragged across the pond. There was no way I was going to humiliate myself any further. No chance at all!

* * * *

Sitting in the most disgustingly happy bar I had ever seen, I gripped my martini and groaned. Ness, suitably dressed as the Little Mermaid and currently on her third blue lagoon, chatted animatedly to the ‘Wild West’ themed bartender. Dana had managed to wedge herself between the two of us and with a red bow in her hair, she scoured the drinks menu which she
had been clasping for the past half an hour. So there we were, three girls from London dressed as princesses and each of us prince-less. Drowning my sorrows, I looked around at the packed restaurant area and wondered if we would ever get to eat this evening. I was just about to flag down the maître d when a small and over-excited child bowled into my stool and caused my entire drink to spill all over my pale blue ball gown.

The damn thing already made me look like a sausage about to burst its skin; and now damp, it was not looking any better. The parents gave me a quick smile before hurrying to the restaurant, where they were immediately seated! Irritated and hungry, I stood and began wiping myself down with some of the napkins from the bar. Dana looked up from her menu and gave me a confused look.

“Child. Drink. Wet dress. Not only do I feel pathetic, but now, I look it as well. This is a disaster! I was supposed to be on my hen weekend. It was supposed to be sparkly dresses, tiaras, and happily ever after! And now look at me. My dress is soaked. My tiara is with my discarded wedding dress in a cold and dark closet in London, and my happily ever after is never ever after since the man in my life up and left me for the frog princess! When is my handsome Prince Charming ever going to show up? Because I’m beginning to lose my patience.”

Ness, who was now glaring at me since I had interrupted her flirtations with the bartender, was about to respond when the door behind us flew open, and Adam coughed loudly. Dana smiled and tried to hide a giggle as I turned around to find him standing behind me in a dapper white and gold prince’s outfit. His dark hair was parted at one side, and for some reason, he looked … taller and even broader than usual. Maybe it was those shoulder pads. Biting my bottom lip, I blushed.

“Prince Charming at your service, Cinderella. Well, for tonight anyway. Besides, looks as though you only have ‘til midnight.”

He laughed sweetly, and I couldn’t help but soften. Adam had a way of making everything seem better somehow. He was my security blanket and comforter, and I really needed it right now.

“Where’s your drink?” He pointed to my empty glass.

I was about to answer, but Dana interrupted me. “A kid knocked it all over her.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’d love a martini.” I knew that’s what he was really asking, and we knew each other well enough to leave out the middle conversation.

“Ness, considering the bartender is more interested in your lack of clothes than me waving my cash around, ask him for a martini and a beer, will you?”

Ness glanced down at her bright purple shell bra and grinned. “Jealous, Adam? And stop ogling my goodies.”

Groaning, he handed her the cash and gave me a quick smile. “So, when do we get to eat?”

I sniggered. “In this place? Let’s just say I think we may have stepped in to Never-Neverland.”

He laughed and gave me a wink before heading in to the restaurant. Dana, again, gave me a confused look, but I simply shrugged. Returning minutes later with the maître d in tow, Adam held out his hand for me. “If anyone asks, you are a soap legend from Hollywood, and
we just wrapped up a great episode. So, you know, don’t open your mouth if anyone comes over.”

I feigned offense.

“I love you, Charlie, but if you utter a word, that broad London cockney girl accent of yours will blow our cover. Awl right luv?”

I almost choked on my drink as I laughed at him. Adam was my hero. Prince Charming was a fantasy and I needed a real life, breathing
dream man. But for now, Adam would do just fine.

* * * *

After gorging myself on steak, potatoes, and a mountain of vegetables, I pushed my practically licked-clean plate away and slumped heavily in my seat. Ness had been picking at her vegetable grill platter for at least half an hour and had managed to nibble on a carrot before also pushing the plate away.

“Well, that was a waste of time. It’s cold and totally un
appetising.”

Adam pulled Ness’s plate toward him and stabbed a large grilled pepper with his fork before shoving it into his mouth.

“Seems okay to me. You’re just too fussy.”

Dana and I exchanged glances. This was about to get heated … again.

“I am not fussy!” Ness spat back.

Adam nodded enthusiastically at her from across the wheel and spoke dining table. “You are so! You’re fussy over food, restaurants, cars, fashion shops, men—“

“I am not fussy about cars!”

I held my hand over my mouth and snorted a laugh and suddenly, the attention fell on me. Giving her a sarcastic smile, I placed a hand gently on Vanessa’s.

“Remember when I bought that mini? You know, the one that looked like it was out of
The Italian Job
? You refused to even get in it! You said it was tacky, outdated, and cheap.”

Biting her lip anxiously, she looked to Dana for support, which she was clearly not going to get.

“You are fussy, Ness. Remember my twentieth birthday? I invited you to my favourite little restaurant. You were there ten minutes and started yelling that your soup was cold!”

Ness gasped in horror. “It was cold!”

“It was gazpacho! It was supposed to be cold!” Dana snapped back.

“And what’s more, you kicked up such a stink about the whole thing that I was told that if I returned, it had to be without you! You were banned!”

Adam slammed his fist on the table and laughed loudly. People began staring at us, but even I couldn’t contain my own laughter.

“You’re all just mean. Here I am trying to cheer up our Charlie, and you two start calling me names. Well, I like that.”

Her sarcasm was no match for a heartwarming embrace from the man in our lives. Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, Adam pressed a firm kiss to her cheek.

“And yet, with all of your faults, and there are a lot of them, we still love you Ness-Monster.”

He gave her a quick wink, and a sliver of a smile appeared on her lips. Poking her tongue out at us all, she giggled.

“Well, maybe a little. But, what you call fussy I call high standards. Speaking of which, has anyone else noticed that the guy at the table behind us has been checking Dana out all evening?”

Simultaneously, we all rubber-necked around at the table directly behind ours.

“Very subtle guys.” Rolling her eyes, Ness took a big gulp of her drink.

The man looked very young and was dressed in a black sweater and faded blue jeans. Catching Dana glancing at him, he gave her a beaming smile. Naturally, she blushed a deep shade of coral. Even dressed in her Snow White get up, Dana was a knock out.

“Go say hi,” I whispered.

“Are you nuts? She can’t approach him! He has to send her a drink or something. Make his move first,” Ness stated, as though she was the authority on picking up a guy in a bar. Well, she probably was. Ness had never been short of a lover and had no time for dating. So, Mr. Right was never an option as far as she was concerned. No, Mr. Right Now was all Ness wanted.

Bickering amongst ourselves, it wasn’t until Dana let out a small squeak that we glanced over, and to our horror, found Adam sitting at the guy’s table, pointing to us!