Read Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 Online

Authors: Amanda Egan

Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Humor & Satire, #Humorous, #Women's Fiction, #Contemporary Women, #Contemporary Fiction, #General Humor, #Humor

Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1

BOOK: Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1
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Diary of a Mummy Misfit











2011 Amanda Egan



Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the author or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.


First published as an Ebook in 2011


All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.




For all those who I know would have been so proud of me, had they still been around.


My lovely Dad, my ‘fairy Godmother’ Vi and family, my glamorous Aunties Eileen and Doris, dear friend Winnie and the much missed Jimmy.  Also, Unc - yes, there really are that many words to a book and I’m sorry you never got to see it in print.


To all those who have supported and believed in me along the way - the best Mum and sisters in the world.  Thank goodness you’re not like the ones in this story!


To my nephew Daren, who inspired me to keep getting up and trying again.


To my Fenella, Lou and Jenny - you know who you are but may not recognise yourselves or your husbands!  You all kept me sane in this mad world and money can’t buy what you have given me.


To all in Oz - thanks for your support and I hope that I’m forgiven for the “language”.


My sweet God-daughter - thanks for the loan of your laptop when I didn’t have my own.  Hoping too that, one day. I can be a your ‘fairy Godmother’.


My gorgeous son - thanks for putting up with me glued to the laptop and I promise I won’t write what I said I would - your secret’s safe with me!


And lastly my Robes, the best husband/friend I could have hoped for - I could never have done this without you - but with you, I believe anything’s possible.






Monday 5
May  AM


Letter due today!


So excited I almost forgot to pick up Max from nursery.  Spent the morning pottering about, anxiously listening out for the postman and imagining his arrival, complete with red carpet and fanfare, as he announced himself the bearer of our awaited good tidings.


Managed to get to ‘Tiny Terrors’ in the nick of time and didn’t hang around for the usual goss with Ruth and Beckie - just had to get home to see if he’d been yet.  Dashed up the garden path, even ignoring old Mrs Sengupta next door, who was happily brandishing another Barry Manilow VHS ‘bideo’.  Felt a bit mean but promised myself I’d make it up to her later with a good ‘Mandy’ singalong.


Couldn’t believe it when all I found was the usual assortment of bills and blurb.  What should I interpret from that?  Did no news mean good news or were we doomed? 


Called Ned at work and he did his usual, “Don’t panic, Lib.  Why do you always think the worst?  There could be any number of reasons the letter’s not arrived.”


Doesn’t he appreciate today’s significance?  This is the first step towards sealing the educational future of our child.  Or, as Ned keeps reminding me, possibly crippling us financially for the next fourteen years plus.


Managed to make it through lunch and a few episodes of ‘SpongeBob’ with Max before I decided that I really couldn’t wait another day and I’d take matters into my own hands and call the school immediately.


Of course ‘immediately’ meant after I’d finally plucked up enough courage at 3.40 when it occurred to me that the school office would be closing and time was rapidly running out. Kicked myself for being such a coward when it comes to dealing with ‘people in authority’.


A few minutes later I realised the reason I’m such a wimp is because, invariably, those people make me feel like a truculent ten year old - as indeed did the snotty secretary who answered my call.


“Oh, no Mrs Marchant.  The letters aren’t actually
going out
until today and we couldn’t possibly divulge confirmation of acceptance over the telephone.  It wouldn’t be fair on the other parents.”


Why did she make it sound like bloody MI5?  All I want is a decent education for my son.  Surely that’s not too much to ask?


Oh well, I guess another sleepless night won’t hurt.




Ned wasn’t too keen to discuss having to wait another day for the news.  In fact he simply said, “At least I can sleep soundly for
more night before I start shitting it.”


His yin to my yang.


Tuesday 6
May AM


Just re-read last night’s entry and realise that I sound like a really pushy mother.  Which is SO not true.  We just want the best for Max.


For as long as we can remember, Ned and I have said we’d sacrifice luxuries and holidays to pay for his education.  The schools are so crappy in our catchment area, we didn’t feel we were left with a choice.


Ned just shows his panic more than I do, probably because he’s the one who’s got to come up with the readies.  But I’ve said that I’ll return to some sort of work once Max starts school - unless, by some miracle, I get pregnant again.


Ned always goes a bit pale when I say that - as much as he
another one, I guess two at private school is too much to consider at the moment.




Well, it’s official!


Max has been accepted at Manor House Prep School - the most sought after private school in our area.  He bloody did it and I’m so proud of him.  He clearly has his father’s brain.


Popped next door to tell Mrs Sengupta the good news and see if she needed any shopping.  She asked if I could get a box of seed for Bazzer-the-Budgie (Manilow inspired, of course) and also if I could check the local charity shops for some more Juicy Couture trackies - “To keep bootie warm, under sari.”  Her ‘arteritis’ was the bane of her life until I introduced her to the joys of ‘leisure panties’ as she insists on calling them.  She also insists on designer only or ones with messages across the buttocks - her favourites so far being, ‘Hot Stuff’ and ‘Blingin’’


Splashed out on 3 for 2 wine at Sainsbury’s and settled down with a glass to ring Mum before Ned came home for a celebratory dinner.


Mum was her usual cautious self, “Oh darling, I was so hoping they’d turn him down!” 
Thanks Mum! 
“It’s such a huge burden to take on. He’s a bright lad and he’d have been perfectly happy at the local primary.  None of my children went private and most of them did OK.”


By which she meant my two sisters, both in high-powered jobs - certainly not me, the ‘one who chose to be a home-maker and mother’, as she likes to describe me to her bridge class buddies.


Realised there was no point in pursuing the conversation - Mum will always have the last word.  (Oh yes, she will!)


Decided to call best friend Lou in Scotland.


“Och, yeh daft cow, Lib!  You’ve bitten off more than you can chew there, I’m tellin’ yeh.  S’ppose you’ll end up being one of those stuck-up bints on the bloody ‘school run.’ God I hate that term.  What happened to ‘dropping the kids off at school?’  Before yeh know it he’ll be at soddin’ ‘play dates’ and you’ll be booking in him for Basic Mandarin or Sushi for Beginners.”


It’s nice to know that two of the people I love most in the world are so supportive of my decisions.


At least Ned was in a buoyant mood when he got home
he’d bought me flowers - even though they were presented with a “Make the most of these, they could be your last for a while once we start paying the school fees.”


I’d made a lovely Nigella recipe for dinner - even though I hate the woman.  She may be the Domestic Goddess, but she’s just called ‘My God’ in our house because every time her mug comes on TV, one of us will instantly say “My God, Nigella’s on again.”  Even so, I’m still doing well with my new year’s resolution to be more like her.  Ned questions why I would want to be like someone I hate but
know what I mean!  Not a pre-packed meal in sight in our house and regular afternoons of baking.  He’s still struggling with the concept and often asks, with something bordering on trepidation, “What’s for dinner tonight then, Nige?”


I’d cooked ‘Luscious Liver’ for dinner - which sounded great in ‘Nigella speak’ but is definitely not one to repeat or pass on to friends. 


We enjoyed the 3 for 2 a little too much and Ned got a bit maudlin.


“Yep,” he said (or actually slurred, now I look back) “Our Max will have the best possible start in life.  Who needs holidays abroad anyway?”


I seem to remember he paused then and I could almost see the pound signs in his eyes as he continued, “Mind you, four grand a term over, say fourteen years, plus inflation works out at nearly 200 grand.  Phew … could buy us an awful lot of sun!”


Ouch, when you put it like that, what
we committed ourselves to?


Wednesday 7


Woke up determined to enjoy the feeling again.  So what if we can’t have luxuries?  We knew that all along.  Nobody would rain on my parade today.


Except bloody ‘Nasty Marcia’ at the nursery.


“Oh, Libby.  I do think you’re so terribly brave.  I mean Edward and I come from money
(as she constantly reminds me - surely that’s vulgar?)
and even
struggle to take Jonty and Perry down the private route.  The last thing you want is for him to settle and then find you have to move him because you can’t afford it.  Imagine the psychological damage that could do to the poor mite.”


Felt I coped with her comments quite well and told her to remind me that I had a lovely liver recipe I wanted to share with her.


Thursday 8th May


Ruth and Beckie were really sweet at nursery today and invited Max and me to a celebratory lunch at Ruth’s.  Max was delighted as he got to spend time with his two friends, Ella and Tom.  They disappeared into the garden as soon as we got there and that gave us time to catch up without the usual “Need a wee,” or “She’s not sharing.”


Ruth wanted to know all about Manor House, as she’s new to the area.  I told them we’d been invited to a school tea party at the end of the month to meet the other families joining in September.  Didn’t want to let on that I’m really nervous about it - not good with new people and am already feeling just a little out of my depth.  When did I qualify to become a responsible parent?  Can I really socialise with moneyed people?


Beckie, bless her, didn’t mean to make me feel worse - but it’s always her first question as she used to work in fashion and misses it dreadfully - asked me what I’d wear to the tea party.  “I mean can you imagine, it will probably be wall to wall Versace and Dior!  How exciting, Lib!”


Went home and had a crisis meeting with my wardrobe.  Manor House mothers’ labels might say ‘Giorgio Armani’ but a lot of mine seem to say simply ‘George at Asda.’


Friday 9th May


Spent most of the day preparing for dinner party tonight.  Got Nic (best gay friend in the world) and his partner Rick coming (we still have a chuckle every time we say have gay friends, ‘Nic and Rick’ - although with Ned it’s a slightly uneasy chuckle as he struggles a little with the whole concept of gayness and loves it when Mrs Sengupta refers to them as our ‘funny girlie boys’).


BOOK: Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1
11.78Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

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