Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (5 page)

PM

Ned pointed out there couldn’t possibly be a future in something we’re not making money from.

“In fact, by the time they leave us, they’ll have actually
cost
us, you dozy dollop!”

Hate it when he’s right but love it when he uses such terms of endearment.

Day of Manor House tea party tomorrow - don’t have a clue what I’m wearing.  Ned’s no help as he simply can’t understand how important it is for a woman to feel like she’s got it right.  One false move with a passé handbag or last season’s shoes and it can all be over.

Phoned Fenella to ask what she’d be wearing.

“Oh, I hadn’t really thought about it Sweedie.  Probably just a Boden dress or something.  I’m never organised enough to know the night before.”

Probably doesn’t need to plan ahead when her dressing room’s as big as our bedroom and her monthly clothing allowance is probably more than our mortgage payment.  She’s too nice to resent for it.  Although I do feel just ever so slightly green.

Decided on wrap over linen skirt and cream crossover top.  Ned nodded his approval during ‘Question Time’ and said, “Well, if you’re aiming for the ‘Busty Stepford Wife’ look, I think you’ve just about hit the nail on the head.”

I may be deluded but I took that as a compliment.

Tuesday 27
^th
May

Met Fenella at the gates to Manor House at 3.30 as the tea party was scheduled to start after the older kids had finished their school day.

We were ushered into the school hall and each left breast was adorned with a sticky label stating our and our child’s name.  Felt a bit like a nervous evacuee waiting to be chosen by the kindliest looking face.  Thank God I had Fenella for company.

Several other mothers started to fill the hall and the volume was quite astounding.  How can so few people make so much noise?  In their desperation to be heard, each upped the stakes if they feared they were about to be drowned out, and soon snippets of conversations were booming across the hall.   A lot of them knew one another already as they had older children at the school.

Overheard snippet #1

“Yes, we’re off to the Maldives in August for a month and then Helga, the new nanny, will have Bronte, Oscar and Lexi whilst James and I have a week in Florence.  Haven’t decided where we’re skiing yet but we’ll probably go for a couple of weeks at Christmas and then again next Easter.”

#2

“Never again will I put myself through this, Sophia.  Bloody Polish builders upped and left last week and I’m still without my double butler sink and Aga.  Poggenpohl arrive tomorrow to spec out the kitchen and we don’t have anyone to prepare the walls.  Not to mention that we’re at least 30K down.  I may well need to hit the Prozac again.”

But the one that really amused me and Fenella was from a fluffy, over highlighted, perma tanned monstrosity in neon pink and killer heels…

#3

“Can you believe it, Imogen?  These tits cost him the best part of 10 grand and, now I’m a size zero and at my target weight, he’s pissing off with his PA.  I can’t tell you how humiliated I feel.  Still, my tennis coach is quite cute.  Obviously not got the cash to keep me in the same manner but, once I’ve dragged Hans’ arse through the courts, I don’t think that should cause too many probs!”

Fenella whispered to me, “Obviously takes a lot of money to look that cheap.”

The children were all herded into the school gardens for a picnic and we were then addressed by the joint heads - Mrs Montague, head of lower school and Mrs Hardy, for the upper.

I heard one mother whisper, “Oh God, here we go - bloody ‘Hinge and Bracket Time’.  Couldn’t look at Fenella as I knew we’d start giggling because they really do look like them, especially the way they presented from the side of a baby grand.  I kept expecting them to launch into a dirty ditty.

Very impressed by their welcome speech though, which reinforced my faith in our decision. The school’s everything we’ve dreamt of for Max and, if it means having to put up with a few unsavoury mums, I’ll cope.

Afterwards, went for a quick glass of wine at our local on the common.  Max and Todd had fun in the garden, lifting stones and looking for creatures while slurping on their lemonade and scoffing crisps.

“So, Lib, what’s your first impression of the women that we’ll possibly be sharing the next seven years of our lives with?”  Fenella asked.

“Boy, when you put it like that it sounds a bit scary but I’m sure
some
of them will be OK.  It’s like any situation, there are those you like and those you don’t.”

“Yes but you have to admit, Libs, that some of them are so far up their own f’ing arses it would be difficult to get to know them without some of their defecation rubbing off!”

Fenella does surprise me sometimes!

As she did again when she stated, “Oh well, better get a move on.  Got to get home for a bit of F‘n’C with Josh.  Hate it but he does so insist on it once a month.”

When she saw my confused look, she laughed and added “Oh no, Sweedie, not
that
!  Josh loves
fish and chips
- especially out of the paper
and
with
vinegar
not lemon, common little man - and, I’m sorry to say, tonight’s the night.”

PM

Caught Ned under the table, stroking Dog’s head and saying, “Hey Dog.  How you doin’?  You’re a clever dog aren’t you?  All the babies doing well?  Guess you were meant to find us and have your little family here.  Where would you have gone otherwise, eh?  Well, we’ll make sure they all go to good homes and you know this is
your
home now so … all sorted.  No more worries for you, Dog.”

He bashed his head and looked slightly sheepish when he came out.

And that’s one of the reasons I married the big softie.

Wednesday 28
^th
May  AM

Got downstairs this morning to find Max dressed in complete Manor House uniform.

“I’m ready Mummy.  I look smart don’t I?”

Took me a full half an hour to coax him out of it and explain that it was quite a few more sleeps before he started his new school and it was just another nursery day today.  Suppose I should be grateful he’s looking forward to it.  Must make a wall chart to cross off the days - that way the time span might mean more to him.

Dropped him off at nursery and came back to tackle the mounting washing.  Lou called from Scotland at about 11, so a good excuse to sit down with a coffee.

“I’m tellin’ yeh , Lib, I’m bloody sick of never having spare dosh.  It’s the same old thing month after month. ‘Which credit card shall we use to make up the mortgage shortfall this time?’  Or, ‘What shall we do today?  Ah yes, go to the park and freeze our bollocks off for a change’.  I’d never have moved back here if I’d thought it’d be this bad.  D’yeh know, Cam’s lucky if he clears 250 a week at the moment.  It’s no life for anyone.  We’ll be on gruel and bread and dripping by the time you come for your hols.”

I so sympathise with them - they’ve not had it easy since they returned to their hometown to be closer to Lou’s ageing parents.

“S’ppose you’re rolling in it, with Ned in his city job?”

Lou seems to have forgotten how expensive it is to live in London, and that not everyone who works in the Square Mile is a loaded hedge fund manager - not to mention that a big chunk of Ned’s salary will be going on the fees now.

“And you’re such a lucky bitch having Max starting school in September.  I’ve still got another year to wait before Finn goes.  It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, is it?  This full time Mum lark?”

I suggested that maybe she could get a part time job when Finn eventually went to school.

“Oh yeah, great!  Minimum wage at the local Co-op?  No, I’m still thinking about training to be a piano tuner though.  Hear there’s always business up in the big houses.  Anyway betta dash, got to go and chop more veg for ma broth - how much excitement can ma poor ticker stand?  Love yeh.”

God, I hope she’s cheered up by the time we see them in July or I’ll be hitting the whisky and running for the hills.

Collected Max from nursery and NM was outside handing out invites to Perry’s birthday party, announcing very loudly, “Of course, I left the decisions entirely up to Perry because he knows who he wants to celebrate with.  So, I hope some of you won’t be too disappointed.”

Wasn’t in the slightest bit bothered when Max didn’t receive one - just hoped he wasn’t.  Don’t understand why she can’t invite the whole class like everyone else, though.  Probably because she’s such a skinflint and only wants a low key, sandwiches, jelly and pass the parcel party for five!  If it wasn’t for the fact that only Perry would get hurt, I’d have a good mind to invite the whole class to Max’s party minus
him
but, thankfully, I’m bigger and better than that.  Besides, life is long and there’ll be plenty of other ways to punish the horrid woman.

As I walked past her, I couldn’t help noticing she had a few rather unsightly whiskers growing on her chin - obviously preparing early for Halloween.

Walked home and, to my relief, found that Max wasn’t at all fazed about the snub.

“Oh no Mummy, I don’t mind.  Anyway Perry’s got crawly things on his head and I got a letter home to say you need to have a look at mine.”

Sent up a silent prayer that we’d be a lice free zone and then had to have a little chuckle when I imagined NM’s horror that Perfect Perry was in fact, lousy!