Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (15 page)

The predominant truism in D&S culture is that the sexual submissive is usually someone who, in daily life, has weighty responsibilities. Which comes first is unknown: the submissive impulse, which may lead one to overcompensate in adulthood by pursuing high-power careers, or stressful careers, which lead individuals to seek an outlet in submission. The archetypal submissive is said to be a top executive who longs to yield all responsibility to another person during erotic play.

This need to escape responsibility is hardly limited to high-powered executives; it extends to others encumbered by the tensions and responsibilities of daily life, including dominants.

The period of submission is, in effect, a time when worldly obligations are cast aside; a time of surrender and receptivity to the stimulus that the dominant bestows. No decisions must be made, and no distractions reduce the intensity of perception.

Submission is a turning away from the social and a penetration into a sacrosanct internal space. This may be why many submissives compare their erotic experience to a religious or spiritual surrender. The surrender is a means of achieving a kind of freedom from ego, a condition where one is completely trusting and undefensive.

For many, submission is a supreme form of nakedness—a desirable exposure. It permits one to explore absolute powerlessness in a safe context, knowing that no actual harm will occur and that one will not be condemned or ridiculed. The sexually timid or socially introverted person may find in submission a place where outrageous exhibitionism is not only permissible but profoundly exciting to the partner. Submission is, in some ways, a topsy-turvy world where the submissive is precisely what he is not (and would not choose to be) in daily or social life: Macho men are petticoated trollops; feminists are love slaves; the fastidious are soiled; hedonists accept extreme pain; and the liberated enter stringent bondage only to find, paradoxically, that they feel even freer.

Breaching taboo is an important element in many submissives’ pleasures. In this respect, submission is deliberately antisocial. Behaviors normally circumscribed or prohibited in conventional sexual relations are explicitly supported and investigated. These explorations delve into everything from taboo mental games to extreme invasions of physical privacy or experimentation with forbidden stimuli. Some individuals feel exhilarated precisely because of the thrill of defying sexual conventions. They are “playing at the edge” of sexuality and taboo.

Another key element of submission is a warm combination of trust and consolation.

Emotional gratification is as important to most submissives as are individual acts. Unlike masochism, submission is not primarily physical. Within the context of a power exchange, a deeper emotional drama of acceptance is played out. Again, it’s worth noting the fundamental paradox of D&S: People who are unlikely to be trusting in their social lives may, sexually, place a complete trust in the dominant partner. When this trust is well placed,
submissives often experience a shock of delight. The same things that might be perceived by the sexually conventional as flaws or failures (such as a raging libido or sexual fetishes) are acceptable and appreciated in a D&S context.

Submissive activities cover a broad range. Some people (and this seems more true of men than of women) enjoy being ordered to do simple things, such as cleaning the dominant’s house. Elaborate conquest fantasies in which the submissive is forced to accept punishment are also popular. The variety is endless (which is why we devote individual chapters to some of the most popular forms of erotic play). Suffice it to say that submission in a D&S context is one of the rare times when the revelation of one’s deepest and most forbidden sexual desires is not merely tolerated but is lovingly encouraged and rewarded. This acceptance often makes submissives feel very grateful toward the understanding and concerned dominant.

Because the conscious submissive makes a clear choice—alert to the implications of submitting, aware of the risks, and intent on maximizing personal pleasure—the D&S dynamic is often described as a power exchange. Many see this as a therapeutic transaction between equally powerful individuals.

Finally, intellectualizing aside, our interviewees agreed on one point: For them, submission is a path to sexual ecstasy.

Such testimony may partly explain why the majority of D&Sers switch roles. A number of our interviewees stated that after acting out dominant fantasies and observing the exaltation of submissives, they were eager to discover whether they could enjoy a similar pleasure.

Dominance is the yang to submission’s yin: It is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification. If submission is an escape from ego, dominance is the ultimate ego trip, a time when one exerts absolute control over another’s reality and holds the key to his or her partner’s pleasure. The exhilaration of dominance begins with a psychological and intellectual satisfaction, a satisfaction that extends to the erotic.

Perhaps the single most important element in the power exchange is the solid emotional bond that develops between dominant and submissive, a bond born of the submissive’s trusting compliance in the moment of submission.

Most dominants seem specifically aroused by their partners’ pleasure.

Generally, the dominant is aroused by his ability to control circumstances, to award or withhold pleasure.

Dominants, too, may enjoy the submissive’s dependency and emotional nakedness—at least for the term of play. Most of the dominants we spoke with stressed that they seek equals as partners, people who are in control of their daily lives, but taking such an individual and reducing him to a condition of erotic helplessness is electrifying for the dominant, reaffirming the dominant’s sense of personal power.

While some dominants are turned on by fairly stringent codes of etiquette (for example, that all submissives must address them as “Master” or “Mistress”), overall, dominants are likely to be flexible about what activities actually occur in a D&S encounter. A majority of dominants whom we interviewed indicated that they experiment with a broad range of fantasies and activities.

Members of the D&S communities frequently debate exactly how much power a dominant genuinely possesses. Many of our interviewees, for example, felt that in the final analysis, the submissive runs a D&S relationship.

Although dominants may not be mere facilitators of the submissive’s fantasy, many certainly place a priority on pleasing the submissive by acting according to his or her demands.

This point of view is not shared by all dominants. Many dominants avoid and disdain submissives who set too many conditions and firmly believe that a good dominant retains absolute rights over exactly what will take place. Lifestylers, particularly, may adhere to the principle that once the submissive has consented to the relationship, the dominant then establishes and controls all limits.

Styles of dominance are often extensions of closely held religious or social philosophies. A small percentage of dominants, for example, believes that the opposite gender is inherently inferior. Others seem to equate dominance with nobility, which may account for the proliferation of Scene names such as “Lord” or “Lady,” “Duchess” or “Duke,” and even “Empress.” A large number of our interviewees were influenced by cult books, such as
Story of O
, and strive to replicate the fiction in reality. Others experiment with their partners to see what type of activities are most rewarding for both and do not bother with labels. Those active in the Scene often avoid playing the role of omniscient dictator and prefer unaffected behavior.