Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (20 page)

N
o one who has ever loved is unaware of the power of a lover’s words, the infinite meanings a lover’s gestures can convey, the intoxicating ardor a lover’s glances can incite, or the cruel yet often compelling power of a lover’s rejection. All who have loved passionately have quivered at least a little, at least once, when the object of desire has cast a stormy look your way; if you haven’t, you haven’t loved.

D&Sers have found that playing on the essential dichotomy of love, that fusion of anxiety and delight that is the soul of passion, vastly enhances their
pleasure. They consciously orchestrate language and behavior so as to increase the erotic tension between dominant and submissive.

At chapter’s end we profile:

A head trip is a mental game in which a dominant upsets—or audaciously fulfills—the expectations of a submissive. The express purpose is to make a submissive feel little or no control over events or even over emotions in the moment. Erotic head trips are phenomena separate and distinct from the tales of dreary psychological cruelty that fill talk-shows. Instead of sparking alienation, a D&S head trip creates a bond; instead of shaking a person’s emotional foundation, erotic head trips provide a safe outlet for fantasies.

Seen from the outside, a head trip can baffle—even outrage—the uninformed observer. When one witnesses, for example, a grown man being scolded like a child, chastised for disobedience, or threatened with a bizarre humiliation—such as being forced to wear a dog collar—it is easy enough to believe that some lunacy is afoot, and either that the submissive is being involuntarily abused or, even worse, so downtrodden as to crave mistreatment.

From the inside, however, a head trip is, first of all, a mutually consensual act, a private conspiracy between partners who establish clear rules and limits. Head trips may include unpredictability and anticipation with a goal of mutually erotic gratification. In this consensual context, emotions that would normally be distressing or hurtful—such as embarrassment, confusion, and anxiety—are instead electrifying. Head trips may, at times, permit submissives to face insecurities and fears with a safety net; for dominants, the ability to control a partner psychologically can be intensely exciting.

Many D&Sers say that a well-crafted intuitive head trip can be as exciting as any physical act. This may be the reason that psychological domination tends to be particularly popular among imaginative D&Sers.

A bad—or ineptly handled—head trip is one in which a partner may feel degraded, confused, insulted, or frightened. A bad head trip causes emotional anguish, if only by stirring memories of genuine insults and taunts. Because such activity may cross the line separating D&S and abuse, most practitioners are extremely conscientious.

All of the activities described in this chapter carry significant psychological dangers and require the most extreme caution and clear, informed consent by both partners.

To understand this difference better, we’ll look at two typical types of interactions that have an inner, understood reality quite different from their external, observed reality.

1) Master A tells Submissive B that for the rest of the day B may not look him directly in the eyes and may not speak unless spoken to; if B does not abide by these restrictions, A will severely discipline B.

To the outsider
this scenario may seem to imply that A is demeaning B’s humanity or rights as an equal and that B is oppressed or is somehow degraded and is not being treated fairly.

To the insider
this scenario may be an explicit expression of a fantasy or may be a power exchange the couple has discussed and negotiated, in which B has made it clear that being obliged to act as an inferior is an exciting fantasy or a compelling sexual need. By issuing the orders, A is fulfilling B’s fantasy in a safe context. While the foreground may be the couple’s erotic excitement, the psychological background is that A’s understanding of B’s need makes B feel comforted, cared for, and loved. A, meanwhile, enjoys the power of enforcing the scenario.

2) Mistress C chastises Submissive D at length for being naughty or lascivious, chiding D as one would a disobedient or willful child.

To the outsider
this scolding may seem absurd or downright insulting, since in our culture it is considered shameful to be treated as—or to be perceived as—a child.

To the insider
the scolding is a reinforcement of an agreed power dynamic. The scolding itself may produce in D feelings of childlike embarrassment which themselves are highly erotic. D may also feel grateful that C cares enough to take an aggressive interest in correcting and supervising D’s behavior. C derives pleasure from her power over D and his emotions.

Responsible dominants make every effort to distinguish between mental games that arouse the partner and ones that cause upset, making certain to avoid the latter. There are no set scenarios that will work on all submissives.

Head trips can be initiated by the dominant or the submissive, wholly depending on the couple’s style of interaction. Few dominants expect the submissive to be passive (in fact, most dominants prefer highly spirited partners). Many submissives therefore consistently strive to offer creative scenarios for both partners to pursue. A submissive may write down ideas for her fantasy evening and respectfully present them to the dominant; or the submissive may offer to perform some service (giving the dominant a massage, or inventing some amusing naughtiness which requires punishment).

Interestingly, in some couples the submissive will intentionally break the rules of the game in order to intensify the play and to give the dominant an excuse to fulfill the threat of punishment. Submissives who genuinely challenge authority for the sake of provoking an unpleasant encounter, however, are rarely considered desirable partners, and dominants who do not respect the submissive’s needs or limits before engaging in head trips are viewed as dangerous.

Unpredictability and anticipation are among the most popular elements in the structuring of a head trip. While the mainstream person may find that a kiss hastily snatched in a doorway is erotic, for D&Sers the doorway might instead be used for a tug on restraints hidden under the submissive’s clothes.

The dominant is likely to do or say something (usually erotic in nature) when the submissive least expects it. The variations are boundless; for example, a dominant may suddenly order the submissive to remove his clothing
and to submit to erotic fondling while the couple is engaged in some nonerotic activity, like watching television together. The submissive will suddenly and powerfully experience both vulnerability and a consciousness that his sexual excitement can be aroused at his partner’s whim.

Our interviewees reported many extraordinary occasions when a playful dominant surprised an unsuspecting submissive. Anne says that her husband of 22 years has played many physical and verbal games in elevators, friends’ homes, and even during church services.

Unpredictability also serves another function: It helps D&S couples to maintain highly charged erotic relationships. Couples who’ve spent a long time together often say that the abilities of their partners to surprise them continually with new games or new angles on old ones keeps the romance alive.

While unpredictability throws a person off balance by prompting an erotic response during what is, until that moment, a sexually neutral experience, anticipation builds erotic tension. The dominant may hint at some inevitability or may keep the submissive impatiently guessing. For many the anticipation is as exciting as the consummation.

Anticipation scenarios are limited only by the partners’ imagination. For example, the dominant partner may tell the submissive to wear some unusual article, such as a restraint, under her clothing in the morning without explaining why he wants her to, only hinting suggestively that something is planned for the evening—a vague proposition that will keep the submissive wondering, and tantalized, all day long. Or the dominant may bind the submissive’s wrists and put him in a corner without revealing what will happen next. During that period of not knowing, the mixture of anxiety and expectancy makes the submissive’s excitement escalate before any physical acts take place.

We all play roles: parent, child, professional, citizen. D&S roleplaying is a mutually agreed upon psychodrama in which the partners assume temporary fantasy roles that express a power dynamic. Many D&S couples believe that the ability to experiment with varied roles sustains erotic novelty for the duration of a marriage or partnership.

An exciting role can have many sources. For example, many interviewees discussed their childhood fascination with movies in which heroic characters wore colorful costumes and savored wild adventures.

D&S roleplaying is often a means of confronting a taboo—fantasies which, made into reality, would be horrifying. Consensual psychodrama enables D&Sers to experience the erotic thrill of extreme fantasies but with safe limits and, perhaps most importantly, with the knowledge that the play will end and that the partners will revert to their accustomed interactions.

Not everyone enjoys roleplaying: A fair number of D&Sers insist that roleplaying is artificial and that it trivializes the partners’ genuine power
dynamic. Still, many D&Sers have an unabashed fondness for elaborate roleplaying and particularly for dramatic costume. Leather bars, for example, regularly sponsor parties for which all attenders are required to wear military or police uniforms. Leather garb itself is a kind of uniform, and in the past some leather bars did not allow patrons in street clothes to enter. Leather, unlike a military uniform worn for a specific party, however, has never implied a temporary role among the traditionalists of the leather communities—leather is usually a statement of preference or even social status. But with evolutions in style and sexual expression, for better or worse, many occasional players now do treat leather as decorative and role oriented.

Roleplaying also allows exploration of the potential for expressing different facets of one’s personality. Some D&Sers perceive a multiplicity of erotic roles to be a natural extension of the roles that all people play in the social sphere.