Discovering April (4 page)

MOTORCYCLE EXHAUST IS the first thing I smell. That, mixed with the roaring engine, is what brings me back into consciousness.

“Ugh!” I moan as I try and roll over.

He revs the engine again and finally a third time, almost like it was on purpose, before I hear the bike zoom off down the street and around the corner.

What a jerk!
I think, trying to get my mind to fall back asleep.

But it’s useless, I already know.

I’ve just gotten out of the shower when I hear my doorbell ring. I put on a quick sundress and throw my hair up into a bun before I descend the stairs. Opening the door, I see Hunter standing there with a bouquet of white roses in his hands.

“I’m sorry,” he says. He reaches his hand out to stop the closing door.

“You’re sorry?” I holler. Then I turn and see Jared wiping his hands on his jeans and shaking his head. “Come inside. I’m not doing this on the porch.”

I stroll around the leather couch and collapse into the cushions. It was all a little too much energy for my hung over self.

He comes to sit down beside me. “April, you were the one who slapped me and I’m here trying to apologize.”

“You called me a bitch,” I slowly begin to remember the events of last night. I think I’ve been trying to suppress them. He told me I was ruining his life. I can’t bring myself to say that out loud. I just want to shove those words down and hide them under the rug.

“You always take things to the extreme. These guys are my teammates and I have to help them out.”

Sometimes I swear if we weren’t dating, Hunter would be a frat brother. That’s what he wants, I can tell. But I can’t figure out why. He has the best of both worlds: he’s treated like one of them because he’s on the basketball team, but he doesn’t have to go to meetings, do community service, or even pledge.

“I saw you with
her
,” I whisper through clenched teeth.

“April, she’s Todd’s cousin. I would never do that to him, or you. I love you.” He scoots closer, to me putting his hand behind my head. He tries to go in for my lips, but I turn so he gets my cheek. “April?”

“What?”

“I said I love you…”

“I love my cat. Doesn’t mean I wanna kiss him. And furthermore, my cat would never cheat on me. Would you, Jinxy?” I pet his little head and he rolls onto his back, swatting at my hand.

“I didn’t cheat on you!” he screams, leaning back from me as he runs his fingers through his hair. “April Landau! I love you, and only you. I would never cheat on you. We’ve been together forever! Do you think I would ruin something like that?”

“I don’t know any more, Hunt,” I whisper.

It seems like things have gotten worse between us. We aren’t the couple we once were; time has torn us apart. There are just too many things that have happened that I will never forget, and I have a feeling last night is one of them. His green eyes are sparkling now and I realize how much this is eating him up.

“You don’t know if you love me?” he whispers, almost afraid of the answer.

“I know I love you. I’m not sure
you
feel the same any more.”

“Of course I love you!” He pulls me onto his chest. It’s probably the worst thing he could do. His cologne drives me crazy, and he knows it.

I try not to react. Placing my head against him, I slowly begin to cry.

“April.” He lifts my head up to look at his tear-filled eyes. “I will always love you.”

At that, I’m putty once again. I don’t know what it is with this man that can make my walls crumble like a dry sandcastle.

All at once, his lips are on mine and I fall back into our old ways. All is forgotten as his arms tighten around me and draw me close to him. My legs wrap around him and the rest is history.

WE ARE LYING ON THE couch for what feels like hours, watching a Law & Order marathon as we try and catch our breath for the second time. My head is resting on his chest when my eyes gravitate to his phone. It lights up, signaling a message or text. Funny, I didn’t hear his ringtone chime. I look closer and see the text from a ‘V.’

Hey what are you doing tonight?

None of his friend’s names start with the letter V and I have a feeling that it’s the boobalicious girl from the party.

“Are you serious?” I yell, prying myself off of him. “Who the hell is V?” I grab the phone off the table and smash it against his face.

“It’s a girl from school. We have a study group.”

He’s good; I’ll give him that.

“Hunter, the only things I’ve seen you study in the past five years are NBA games and my boobs!”

“And I’m trying to get into a Masters Program, A! I need to up my game.”

“You’re so full of shit! Get out!” I slip my dress over my head and throw his clothes at him. He stares at me, unbelieving, “I said get out!”

“You’re so dramatic, April! You know, I can’t deal with this anymore!”

“
You
can’t deal with it anymore?”

“Yea! You flip out about everything,” he mutters, pulling on his pants.

“GET THE HELL OUT, HUNTER!” I scream and Jinx goes running under the couch.

He throws his shirt over his head and storms out of the house. Slamming the car door, I hear him start up the engine and zoom off down the street. I watch as his BMW zips around the corner.
Fucking jerk
.

I watch as someone else pulls up seconds later. What’s so fascinating is that they stop in front of Jared’s house. Jared never has company. I sneak back into my house when I see Jared coming out from his backyard to greet them. Closing the door, I feel that curious cat inside me again and I run all the way upstairs to peer out my bedroom window.

A few more cars show up and I watch as he greets them all with the biggest smile. They are all the guys from the construction site, minus the intern. One of the guys has a girlfriend, and I watch as Jared kisses her on the cheek in greeting like he knows her.
Weird
, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jared dressed up to go out. When is he meeting these people?

UGH
. Why am I thinking about Jared? I have more important things to worry about in my own relationship. I’m about to climb to my feet when I watch Jared escort them all around the back of the house, a part I’ve never actually seen before. It’s covered with a high fence, overridden with ivy. Sometimes on a summer night I can see lights emanating from it, but I can’t tell if it’s a fire pit or man-made light. I don’t know why it intrigues me so. Maybe, because we used to be friends, Jared and I. It was a while back. I still remember the little ten year-old that moved in next door. I was curious then, too. I watched as he climbed out of the car with a box full of dinosaurs. He wiped his face as if he was crying before looking up at his new house. His parents were carrying boxes back and forth, but he sat there on the porch steps, just looking into his box of toys. I was never one to be very forward, but I felt bad. I ran out of my house and walked up the walkway and introduced myself. His frown quickly faded and he dropped his box long enough for me to introduce him to the rest of the kids on the street. The rest was history.

We all played together every single day. I’m a year older than Jared, but that only meant we never had the same classes together. Teachers knew us, and if Jared was sick I took his homework home. If I was out, Jared brought me chicken noodle soup and my math homework. Even the time I climbed the tree in the middle school yard, slipped, and broke my arm— he still brought me chicken soup. He taught me how to use the long side of my foot to kick in kickball, how to rollerblade, ride a bike. It was always April & Jared. Until high school, when everything changed. We started drifting apart the summer of my freshman year. I started hanging out with my girlfriends and going on dates with boys. High school boys didn’t want to share their girlfriends with boys that are just friends. Just like that, we grew apart and the next thing I knew, his parents died.

I’ll never forget it. We heard about the car accident, but I just couldn’t comprehend it all. I rang Jared’s doorbell numerous times, but he never answered. I remember screaming that I knew he was home, but still nothing. I looked for him at the funeral, but he never showed. I even tried bringing him his homework so he didn’t fall behind. That was before we got word that he dropped out. He never answered the door. I went back the next week with more homework, and this time I left a card. I don’t remember what I wrote exactly, just that I was here for him if he needed me. I guess he never did. I haven’t spoken to him since.

I bring my attention back to the people in his yard. I think I’m actually jealous of them. These strangers came into his life after me, and yet he calls
them
friends. I thought that he just didn’t like people in general, but I see now that I was wrong. Maybe he just doesn’t like
me
. What did I do? I tried to be there for him, but he wouldn’t let me. I pick up one of the snow globes on my dresser and shake it. The gold flecks swirl around and filter back to the bottom. I have a little collection here; it started when I was younger and my dad brought me one with Cinderella back from a business trip he had taken. It has culminated into a whole dresser’s worth since then. They just comfort me slightly.

“What do you think Jinx?” I ask, hearing his bell jingling as he hops onto my bed. He rolls on his back, making a strange sound somewhere between a meow and a gurgle. “You’re right—who cares!”

I place the globe back on the dresser and hop onto the bed beside him, rubbing his stomach until he swats at me. I lay there staring up at the ceiling for a few seconds before I hear my phone chime. I turn to read an apology text from Hunter. Actually three. I sigh. I don’t know what it is about this guy that keeps me coming back when I know I can do better. I guess this is love.

THE SUMMER ENDED AND with that, so did the love between us. The colder weather also followed with something else. We saw each other out of duty; it was no longer a need. ‘I love you’ turned into, ‘Yea I’ll see you later.’ ‘I’ll see you later’ turned into, ‘I’m busy I’ll call you in a few.’ We did nothing all summer. All my plans, all my ideas of taking a trip together – going hiking, fishing – were no match for Hunter’s summer frat parties. It got to the point where I just stopped going and picked up more hours at work instead.

Truth is, I didn’t mind the space; it was the only time I thought clearly. But here I am in Hunter’s dorm room while he is tapping away on his computer, completing his first homework assignment of the semester as I lay on his tiny bed, watching T.V.

“So what do you wanna do tonight?” I ask, my voice flat.

He pauses his typing before looking in my direction. “I think we need to talk.” He sighs. It’s not a normal ‘we need to talk;’ it is a bad ‘we need to talk.’

“About what?” I ask, sitting up from his bed.

He looks down at his hands unable to meet my eyes as he continues. “This isn’t working. I think we both know.”

“We both know what? Apparently, we both do NOT know!” I scream, starting to get up from the bed.

“April, we’ve been fighting non-stop, we never have sex anymore, and we’re both miserable!” He spits the truth in my face and I know he’s right, but a part of me isn’t ready to give him up yet. There’s a huge part of me that just feels like we are in a slump, just waiting for things to get better.

“No, we are just …”

“No we aren’t… it’s time we face facts, April. We aren’t working anymore.”

My heart drops. I think I might have just died; I can’t feel my heart anymore. Grasping for my chest, my mind goes blank. My vision blurs and my voice fades out of my throat in something between a sigh and the beginning formation of a word.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to do.”

Looking into his eyes, I don’t seem to know them anymore. They aren’t the green eyes I used to look into and tell ‘I love you.’ They are cold and foreign.

I don’t even realize I’m walking until I hear my name being called behind me. I slowly turn to see I’ve made it out into the dorm hallway and Hunter is still standing in his doorway, watching me leave.