Dishonored (15 page)

Later, lying next to him, both of them naked, Suzy trailed her finger along the entire length of Phillip’s torso, from the
hollow of his neck to the ridge of muscle between his hips. She felt him shiver and watched his face. His eyelids fluttered
but he didn’t open his eyes. She was chilly, she could do with a drink, she thought, just a quick sip of vodka to warm her
up, provided he was asleep. So, carefully moving her head, she eased her body away from his and sat up, slowly standing so
as not to disturb him. She padded naked through to the kitchen, found the bottle and took her cup from the sink, filling it.
She swallowed down the contents, half filled it again and quickly drank that. Then she put the bottle away and went back to
Phillip. He was awake as she sank down again next to him.

“We’d better get dressed,” he said, reaching out and stroking the smooth skin on her shoulder. “I can’t stay too long.”

“You can’t?” Her voice was instantly panicky and he regretted his carelessness.

“You have to get back to Mitchell,” he said. “You don’t want him to know where you’ve been, do you?”

She shook her head. “No, but…”

Phillip smiled and knelt up. “But what?” He leaned forward and nuzzled her neck. It was always the same, once he’d touched
her he found he couldn’t leave her body alone, she excited him so much that he had to keep on, stroking her, caressing her,
making contact.

“I got a bottle of champagne,” Suzy said, “and some smoked salmon, some beluga.”

Phillip sat back. He looked at her face, turned away from him, her lip trembling slightly, and cursed himself. Christ he’d
been an idiot, he should’ve seen this coming! He should have left her alone, come in, said what he had to and gone. He should
never have touched her. God, why did he always have to touch her. He took a breath and tried to think it through.

“I’ve been so miserable,” she said hoarsely. “I’ve missed you so much, I thought maybe we could spend some time together,
I thought you wanted to see me.” She bit her fingernail hard, making him wince.

“Suzy, I did want to see you, I do want to see you, all the time.”

She glanced up. “Really?”

“Yes, really.” He stood and took up his trousers and underwear, quickly pulling them on. He had almost forgotten why he’d
come; for a few moments back there he had imagined that it was all going to be perfectly all right. He swallowed down the
tension that had started again in his stomach and said, “Why not open the champagne. We can have a glass or two, can’t we?”

She nodded, her face brightening. She got to her feet and reached down for her dress. There was a time when she wouldn’t have
bothered, when they both spent the whole time naked, making love whenever they wanted to, wherever they wanted to. She pulled
it over her head, pulling at the ripped neck, reaching for a safety pin from the drawer to pin it up and cover her chest.
“D’you want something to eat?” she called as she went into the kitchen. “Shall I open the caviar?”

“Yes, do!” Phillip answered as he fastened his cufflinks. He didn’t feel at all like eating; he felt sick.

Suzy came back with a tray and left the bottle for Phillip to open while she arranged the dry toast and caviar. He popped
the cork, filled two flutes and handed one across to her. She was sitting back on her heels, watching him as he passed her
the glass.

“This is nice,” she said, holding her glass up. “Like old times.”

Phillip nodded and raised his glass.

“To us.” Suzy toasted.

“Yes.” Phillip gulped down a mouthful of champagne. He could feel his stomach churning as the wine hit the nervous acid in
there. “Suzy?”

“Hmmm.” She had taken two cigarettes from the packet on the sofa table and put them in her mouth. She leaned forward for her
lighter.

“Suzy, I need to tell you something,” he said. She handed him a lit cigarette and he took it, not really wanting to smoke.

“Yes?” She smiled at him, vaguely content for the first time since he had walked out of the flat six weeks ago.

“Suzy, I have found a way for us to be together, long-term I mean, forever…” He broke off to swallow, his mouth suddenly
dry, and saw that Suzy was staring at him, her face registering disbelief. She sat perfectly still, hardly daring to breathe,
and he could see the brightness in her eyes, the excitement, the beginning of tears. He gripped the stem of the glass.

“It’s weird, it’s an odd way out, but it’s perfect, Suzy, it’ll mean we’re safe.” He had started to speak more quickly, needing
to convince her, to convince himself almost. “No one would ever bother us, we’d have the perfect alibi and, besides, I’d have
the cover of the palace, the safety of my reputation.” He stopped, the tightness in his chest making him slightly breathless.
Suzanna was still staring but her face had changed, her color had drained and her eyes were hard, hard and frightened.

“The palace?” Her voice cracked and she had to cough to clear her throat. She swallowed down most of her glass of champagne
and reached for the bottle.

“I’ve been appointed personal secretary to the duke,” Phillip said quietly. “The announcement will be made next week.”

She started and her hand jerked, sloshing the champagne over the table. She continued to fill her glass, letting the wine
spill over the top. “Congratulations,” she said. She sat back on her heels and took a swig of champagne. Her hand was trembling.
“How nice for you.” She hadn’t meant it to sound so harsh and dry but she couldn’t help herself. The fact that he hadn’t told
her was like a physical blow. She willed herself to stay together.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you,” Phillip couldn’t bear to see the pain on her face and he hung his head. “Suzy, look,
I don’t know how to tell you this but I want you to try and understand it for what it is.” He raised his head slightly and
saw that she was staring at him, her face seemed almost paralyzed in its expression. “It’s something that sounds awful but
it isn’t, it’s our way out, our chance.” He stopped a third time, the dryness in his throat now painful. “Suzy, I’m getting
married,” he said quickly. “I need a wife for my appointment to the duke and I’ve found someone who’s prepared to take me
and the job on.” He paused momentarily, then rushed on, frightened to stop talking. “I know it sounds bizarre, I know it sounds
as if I’m deserting you, as if it’s over between us, but it isn’t! It’s just the beginning, Suzy! You must understand that,
it’s the freedom we need, Suzy, the perfect alibi: me, married, a family man! Who’d ever expect…” He broke off, waiting
for her response, bracing himself for the torrent of emotion. He looked up and saw that she was still, completely motionless.
Then silently she stood up, gripping the edge of the sofa to steady herself and walked into the kitchen. She grabbed the bottle
of vodka, almost letting it drop because her hands felt so numb, and she unscrewed the top, slugging a great mouthful down
from the bottle. She wiped her mouth on her sleeve and held onto the sideboard for support.

“Suzanna?” Phillip stood in the doorway. He moved toward her. “Suzy, please?”

“Don’t you come near me!” she screamed, suddenly swinging around and lashing out, the bottle in her hand. Phillip leaped back.
“Don’t you dare come near me!” Her face crumpled and she started to sob.

“Suzy, please don’t cry, please don’t…”

“Don’t cry!” She wiped her face on the back of her hand. “Don’t cry? Don’t say a word because I’ve got it all so neatly worked
out and I don’t want you to make a fuss!” She snorted derisively then dropped her head into her hands. “Oh God, Phillip, how
could you?” The pain in her voice cut him like a razor and he moved toward her again. He went to put his arms around her but
she shoved him angrily away, knocking him back.

“Do you really expect me to believe all this crap? Do you?” She shook her finger at him, jabbing the space between them. “Because
I don’t! I don’t believe a fucking word of it, Phillip! A way out, a chance? For us? Bullshit! A way out for you! Yeah, sure!”
She spat the words at him, making him wince at the force of her anger. “And you know what really hurts?” She picked up the
bottle of vodka from the side and stabbed the air with it. “It’s the fact that you couldn’t come in here and tell me straight,
you had to have your fuck, didn’t you, Phillip? You had to have your last fill of me.” She pushed past him, smacking her side
on the door frame. “God, you make me sick!” she screamed from the sitting-room. “You make me sick! D’you hear me? Sick!” She
smacked the bottle of vodka down against the edge of the sofa table and suddenly it smashed, the glass shattering everywhere.

“Ahh! My God!” Her hands flew up to her face and Phillip realized in an instant that she’d been hit. Blood spurted out through
her fingers and splattered over the white carpet.

“Suzanna!” He ran forward and grabbed her hands, tearing them away from her face. It was covered in blood and his heart flipped.
“Come here! Jesus, Suzy!” She was hysterical, he had to calm her down. “Look, it’s all right, Suzanna, it’s all right. Come
here, darling, come on!” He led her screaming into the kitchen and wrenched the cold tap on, all the time fear pounding so
hard in his body that his hands were shaking.

“Breathe, Suzy, breathe!” She was hyperventilating and the blood was pouring from her face. His shirt was covered in it. “Breathe
deeply, come on!” He drenched a towel in cold water and pressed it up to her cheek. “Come on, Suzy, it’s all right, it’s all
right.” He kept saying this over and over as he rinsed the towel time after time and reapplied it. “It’s all right, my darling,
I’m here, I won’t leave you, I promise…”

The flow of blood started to ease. Suzanna was calmer, the hiccuping of her sobs quieter, less frequent. She held one of his
hands so tight that it was white but she kept her face still as Phillip looked at it and examined the cut. She would need
stitches, it was a cut to the right of her eye but the bleeding had been deceptive; it wasn’t as bad as he had originally
thought. Pressing the towel to her face for the last time, Phillip led her out of the kitchen and into the sitting-room. He
sat, helping her down beside him.

“You OK?”

She managed to nod. He still held her hand and he put it up to his mouth, kissing the bloodless knuckles. “Christ, you scared
me,” he said quietly. “I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to…” He stopped as a warm drop of water fell on to his
hand. “Oh Suzy, please, please don’t cry.”

“But you love me,” she whispered, “I know you do.”

“Yes, yes I love you,” he said, “I always have, from the first time I met you, remember? At Cowdray Park? You were with Mitchell,
newly married and you looked so unhappy, so beautiful and unhappy and it made my heart ache just looking at you.”

Suzy sniffed and Phillip took his handkerchief from his pocket, carefully drying her eyes. “I will always love you, Suzy.
You need me, I won’t ever leave you.”

“But you have… You…”

“No, I haven’t left you!” He turned her face gently toward him. “I promised you weeks ago that I would find a way out for
us and I have. I’m not marrying someone I love, how could I do that? I love you! I am marrying Jane Bennet, a nice girl, twenty-seven,
sensible and a friend. She isn’t and never will be you. Please, Suzy, please understand that.” He took a breath, his own heart
beginning to slow at last. “My appointment to the duke’s permanent staff is a huge achievement, Suzy, it’s what I’ve always
wanted. I’ll be based in London, Jane will be in the country, and we can be together. What can Mitchell say? What can anyone
say?” Phillip leaned toward her and kissed her. “Oh God, Suzy, trust me, please, just trust me.”

Suzanna hung her head. How could she doubt him? How could she even begin to live without him? Her life was a mess, she was
married to a violent homosexual, a bitter mistake, done for the money, and the only happiness she had ever known was with
Phillip. She had to trust him, she had nothing else left.

“My eye,” she said. “Do I need stitches?”

“Yes, I’ll have to ring someone, you’ll have to get to the hospital.”

“No! Phillip, please don’t leave me! Take me to the hospital, you have to, I can’t go on my own!” She started to cry again
and Phillip rubbed his hands wearily over his face. He was running out of time and he was tired, exhausted from the emotional
strain. “Can I phone Poppy?”

Suzy was silent.

“I can’t take you to casualty, Suzy. What about Mitchell? It might even make the papers. Be sensible please.”

“Like Jane?”

Phillip bit back an angry retort. “Let me call Poppy. Hmmm?” He said patiently. “She’ll take you, she can handle the press
if there’s anyone there.” Phillip stood. “Poppy will look after you.”

“Yes, all right, Phillip.” Suzy sat back, resting her head against the sofa. She was drained of energy and she needed a drink.
“Phone Poppy then, her number’s in my book.”

Phillip went to Suzy’s bag and took out her book, then he crossed to the phone, glancing quickly at his watch as he did so;
it was six-thirty. If Poppy could get here in half an hour and he could ring Jane from the box on the corner of Oxford Street
then he might just be all right. If not, then God knows what he was going to say. He dialled Suzy’s best friend and waited
for the line to connect. It wasn’t even as if he could go straight there, he thought, looking briefly down at his shirt; with
this amount of blood he would have to bathe and change first. He heard Poppy’s voice and concentrated on the present, not
the future. “Hello, Poppy? It’s Phillip Mills. I’m round at Suzy’s flat. We’ve had a bit of an accident. Can you come over
and help?” He listened to her reply and tried to keep the relief from his voice. “Oh great, thanks a lot, Poppy. Yes, I’ll
wait for you.” He put his thumb up to Suzy but she hardly registered his gesture. “Yes, see you in half an hour then.” He
smiled as he hung up.

“Poppy’s coming round,” he said, walking back to Suzy. “She’ll be here in a while.” But Suzanna didn’t hear what he said.
She had passed out.

Jane was in the bedroom when Clare called her from the sitting-room; she was finishing dressing. She went straight to the
phone, a small frown of worry on her face, and said: “Hello, are you all right, Phillip?” Then she smiled.