Dismantling Evan (20 page)

Brody leans forward in his chair cupping his hands together as he watches Gavin. “Middle school things only got worse. Luckily, I was only a year ahead so I could watch over him. It was around that time our school district lost funding and many of the teacher’s assistants were let go. They only focused on the kids that were the most mentally challenged, which makes sense, but left Gav in the dark. The psychotic episodes and him getting stuck...

“Split from reality, started becoming more frequent, so a medicine was taken away while another one was added. It is a medication for schizophrenics, which still hasn’t been ruled out even though they don’t like to diagnose kids so young with it.”

Split from reality?

Brody eyes rest on me, taking in my reactions as he adds, “I’m sure you haven’t heard of half of these illnesses.”

If he only knew. But I can’t tell him. He will wonder what I know about them. Will it be some clue that I know about them because I am in fact dealing with one, maybe two, of these illnesses?

I breathe out deeply and don’t indicate one way or another. Just keep my composure and listen. Brody shakes his head a little, visibly frustrated as he keeps his voice low. “It was like a crap chute with the doctors. They would try medication after medication. He was on so many prescriptions and still is, but not as many.”

A red flag goes up suddenly. Why isn’t he on some of them anymore?

Brody continues speaking, “Some of them would make Gavin act out irrationally or make him fidget more. Some would slow him down so much he looked like he was in a trance the majority of the time. Zoloft for the OCD tendencies, Naltroxone for the self-injury, Depakote for seizures.”

Brody looks up at me, measuring my response. Expecting me to run for the hills, I guess. I couldn’t run if I tried. I was literally stuck to my chair listening to everything Brody was saying.

“Lithium Carbonate for the possible bi-polar and schizophrenic episodes. Ability to boost the antidepressant,” Brody rattles off a chain of more medications. He said Lithium.

Shit. My nerves begin to rise within me thinking about my own diagnosis and how my measly one pill is nothing compared to what Gav has to take. Mind you, I almost was medicated with Lithium too.

“The meds were helping, but only a little. Dad thought some of them were making other things worse off for Gavin. All the doctors Gavin saw were trying to figure him out. Wanting to know what could be causing him to be like he is.”

Brody shakes his head, seemingly devastated by rehashing the memories. His eyes are full of questioning and worry when he looks up at me. “Then the doctor’s brought up the possibility of Gavin having signs of being an Aspie.”

Aspie?

I guess my questioning thought shows on my face because Brody explains, “It is a type of Autism. Asperger’s Syndrome.”

I have heard of Autism, but not the other term.

“That was the latest addition a year ago. Dad was already in Afghanistan and when we got the news... Nikki said she told you.”

I bite my lower lip and nod carefully, not wanting to make a big deal out of knowing the unknown about his father.

“Insurance cutbacks have made it really hard for us to keep up with Gavin’s medication, let alone help with learning more about this new diagnosis.”

Brody’s voice rises in anger. “Shit, the school can’t even help with counseling and assistance for Gavin because of the cutbacks!”

He shakes his head and looks down at the concrete floor.

Brody watches me like he is waiting for some kind of freaked out reaction, but I don’t give it. I don’t break.

He sits back in his chair, leaning his head over the back of the seat and closes his eyes as he stretches his arms away from his body. With him distracted I take the opportunity to breathe, which I haven’t done much while he was giving me the rundown of Gavin’s medical history.

I can’t help looking at him extend his arms and elongate his muscular body across the chair. I don’t look long though. With my luck he’ll catch me I’ll be totally embarrassed.

When he shrinks and shifts in his chair, I look at Gavin, but not really. My attention is still on Brody and I feel his eyes on me.

“Does it freak you out?” His voice sounds emotionally and physically tired. Was he testing me to see if I will run away in fear?

I look, deep and long, into his eyes, and realize that he is searching for something more than a simple answer. The question, his disclosing everything he has - he is searching for my trust. Can he trust me? Can I tell him the truth? Right now, I can only give him half of what he needs as an answer. I can’t bring myself to tell him about me yet.

Finding out all these things initially freaks me out, but then I’m like ‘Oh, yeah I can see that in the way he acts sometimes.’ It’s like a revelation even if it is a dismal one.

Brody crosses his strong, tan arms over his chest and waits for an answer. It would be so easy to just open my mouth and ask him why it would freak me out to be around someone unpredictable and unstable when I am those very things, but in a different way. I am afraid to say it though. I mean, what would he think of me? I shake my head, shift my gaze from him to my fidgeting fingers pulling at a loose thread on my sweater. “No, it doesn’t.”

Brody breathes out a forceful breath. “That’s a first.”

Suddenly, Gavin makes himself known by stepping up the three porch steps loudly, then awkwardly flopping down on the porch in front of Brody and me.

“Whoa, Gav,” Brody gently chides him then laughs a little. “Take it easy.”

It is sweet the way Brody tries to be the disciplinarian and still says things jokingly like a brother should.

“It’s okay. Hey Gavin, what’s up?”

Gavin inflates what should be a simple shrug while staring at my camera. “The sky.”

“Uh, Gav, she was asking you how are you.” Brody guides him through my figure of speech. “He takes things literally sometimes.” 

Gav looks at Brody for a second, then back at me, meeting my eyes for the first time. “Oh, sorry.” He doesn’t smile or act embarrassed by his mistake. Gavin isn’t like that.

He nods his head as he thinks about what I have asked, then answers pointedly, “I am doing good.” He points at my camera. “That looks really old.”

He exaggeratedly stretches his neck and scratches it. I notice it is reddened with a few scratch marks as he eyes my camera curiously.

“Can I see it?” he asks.

Still stuck on the scratch marks on his neck, I don’t answer right away.

“Um, Gav, that is Evan’s,” Brody says, cautiously feeling out my sudden withdrawal. It must look like I’m worried about Gavin breaking it.

“No, it’s fine.” I say to Brody.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” I lift the camera strap over my neck and carefully take the body of the camera in both of my hands and hand it to Gavin.

“Be careful Gav.” Brody breathes the words out in his deep voice as he leans in close to Gavin and me. Goosebumps rise on my arms and a chill runs down my back. I tell myself it is the chill in the air to deflect the thoughts I’m having about Brody, but when his arm brushes against mine, my thoughts are overpowered. I slip off my chair and onto the porch to sit parallel to Gavin. I’m careful not to touch him as I point to parts of the camera. “This is the lens.”

He looks up at me and raises one eyebrow, cockily. “Uh, duh!”

I smile and shake my head, feeling embarrassed. “Sorry, that is obvious.”

“Gav!” Brody slides down from his chair onto the porch floor.

Watching Brody Ferguson’s vast, athletic body sit crisscross applesauce on the porch is equally as humorous as hearing Gavin make a joke.

I giggle. “It’s all right Brody. It was funny.”

I look at him and notice him staring. I’m self-conscious suddenly with how he is just looking at me with this content smile on his face.

“What?” I ask under my small, nervous laugh.

Brody gestures to his own face, then rests his hands on his thighs as he looks down bashfully. Yeah, I know, how could a guy like Brody be bashful around me I have no clue. His grin widens as he looks at me. “Your smile. It’s really nice.”

Heat. Crawling. Up. My. Body. Enveloping. My. Face. Quickly.

I look back at Gavin turning the camera in his hands and try and keep my smile from getting any wider. “Thanks.”

“What is that? Oh, and that?”
Thank God for Gavin’s inquisitive questions.

I continue explaining all the parts of the camera to Gavin. When I am done I ask, “Hey, do you want to take a picture, Gav?”

Gavin looks from the camera to me and I swear his eyes widen to the size of golf balls, “Really?”

His humbling question makes me smile again. I nod. “Yes, really.”

He looks around, hurriedly. “What should I take a picture of?”

He starts to rock from side to side a little, but not like he was at the party. He must do that when he gets excited too.

“Okay, well first put the camera strap around your neck.”

“Oh, okay.” He does as I tell him and ask he rises from the ground holding the body of the camera in his hand, Brody and I rise with him. The camera slips from his hands, but dangles securely around his neck.

Brody hisses nervously, “Careful, Gav.”

Knowing it is secure, I look around the area for a possible photo shot when Gavin heads back into the yard.

Brody and I follow after him like he is a clumsy baby walking around in a china store. Brody whispers behind him, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?”

Gavin stops in the middle of the yard and holds the viewfinder up to his eye. “What do I do now Evan?” he asks in a rushed whisper.

I try and angle my head behind him to see what he is trying to capture. It’s the moon through the trees. “Oh, cool shot, Gav.”

He pulls the camera away from his eye and angles back at me. “You think so?”

I smile. “Yes, the moon is gorgeous!”

I guess while Brody and I were talking the clouds cleared enough to reveal its fullness beyond the tall trees. I continue to explain, making sure not to touch Gavin but to touch the camera, which is tricky because he is extra fidgety suddenly. “Okay, so what you want to do is steady the camera and reach your index finger up to this button - the shutter release. All right?”

I watch Gavin’s curious expression as he takes his finger and lightly brushes it over the button.

“Got it, Gav?” Brody asks, hovering right next to me with his hands on his hips.

Gavin smiles at each of us then turns around, holds the camera up in the direction of the moon. I follow the same line with my sight as I hold my breath before the shot is taken; I always do that before a shot, but it’s funny to do it with someone else taking the picture. The sound of the shutter release clicking is the permission I need to exhale.

Gavin turns around to look at both of us and bursts out, “I did it! I did...”

“Shhhhh!” we both hush him. The smile plastered on my face is immovable. Just watching Gavin’s sheer excitement makes me buzz with joy.

He looks at me like he is waiting for instructions on what he does next as he holds the camera in his hands. I reach for the camera and show him how to advance the film. “Okay, so you have captured the image and now you need to forward the film to prepare for the next shot.”

Gavin waits for more. “That’s all?”

I nod. “Yep, that’s it!”

“When can I see my picture?”

Gavin lifts the camera strap from around his neck and as soon as he has it off, I take hold of the body of the camera. “As soon as I can develop it.”

“What about now?” Gavin asks.

Brody cuts in, “Gav it is almost two in the morning. We can see the picture tomorrow, all right man?”

Gavin looks from Brody to me, hoping I hold a different answer. One that will contradict his brother and appeal to him.

I smile at Gavin. “Hey, I will have the picture developed for you and bring it to you tomorrow.”

“You will bring it to me at school?” he asks wanting to confirm exactly when he is going to get it. “During English?”

I bow my head, “Yes, during English class I will have it for you.”

I put the camera strap around my own neck now and I think of something for Gavin. “Hey Gav, have you thought about joining the school paper?”

Brody scoffs, “What? Evan, he can’t join the paper.”

Gavin shakes his head abnormally fast from side to side. “No, can’t do that.”

“Why not? The shot you took of the moon was really abstract. You have an eye for photography.”

I look back at Brody. “He doesn’t need to interact with anyone. All I do is take pictures of events and stuff around campus.” I look back at Gavin and ask, “What is your elective right now?”

Gavin shrugs.

I ask Brody, “What elective does he have?”

Brody folds his arms over his chest. “He doesn’t have one.”

The wind starts to pick up again, brushing my hair across my face. With agitation from the wind and the simple fact Gavin doesn’t have an elective to enjoy, I quickly gather it in one swooping hand and hold it to my neck. “He doesn’t have one? He needs one!” I whisper loudly.