Dismantling Evan (21 page)

Brody shakes his head and looks up at the sky, diverting his eyes from my probing ones. “Nah, he is good. Right, Gav?”

I look at Gavin and he nods his head and looks down at the ground as he turns and starts shuffling away.

“He hangs out in my shop class every day. Talk about cars and shit, right buddy?” Brody says.

“Yep,” Gavin responds.

How the hell can that be fun? I try to be tactful. “Did you see how excited he got about taking that picture? He could partner up with me. I’m the only other photographer for the paper. Nikki is chief editor so we both could, you know, look after him.”

With Brody looking at me so hard, I would normally have glanced away by now, but I mean what I am saying and want him to give me a straight answer. “I was serious when I said he had an eye for photography Brody.”

Brody leans his head back and looks at the sky clouding up once again, but doesn’t say anything.

I take his not being quick to answer as a good sign and I go in for the kill.

“We will only let him take assignments with my help. He won’t be alone ever, Brody.”

He lifts his head and grins at me. “You aren’t going to take no for an answer are you, California?”

California?
Feeling defensive about what my home state insinuates about me, I snicker and fold my arms over my chest mirroring him. “Excuse me. What is that supposed to mean?”

I surprise myself with my brave comeback.

He breathes out deeply and turns his body toward me as he explains. “You are from California, therefore I am calling you ‘California’. It’s not meant to be a put down, sweetheart.”

The way he says sweetheart sounds too nice and altogether too sexy to be another apparent insult, so I leave it alone. “Oh.”

The wind dies down and the space around us darkens a little as the moon goes back into hiding. I look up at his silhouette, barely seeing his eyes. “Will you at least give it some thought, Texas?”

Hello! When the hell did I become witty? Like, that was a really clever response. I mean, I couldn’t have planned that one by a long shot.

Through the darkness shrouds Brody’s hazy silhouette, his one of kind, drop dead beautiful smile shines through. It the kind of smile that makes you weak in the knees and stirs the butterflies in the pit of your stomach in a really, really good way.

Mesmerized by his lips which I can see perfectly clear now, I watch them move and consider only for a second what it would be like to kiss him. His tone is intimately low as he says, “I’ll think about it.”

Somewhat catatonic at the thought of Brody and I kissing and his sultry voice, I respond mindlessly, “You do that.”

Brody steps toward me. His voice lingers on the sensual tone that has me caught in his words as he says, “I will.”

Wait, will what? Are we still talking about Gavin?

A few cold raindrops land on my head and dampen my forehead and nose.

Just as I look up at the darkened sky, the raindrops come down fast, hard, and cold. Freezing cold.

Simultaneously, Brody and I both hiss, “Shit.”

I tuck my camera into my sweater to keep it from getting wet and run to the covered porch.

Gavin yells out once as he shuffles an awkward jog to the porch with Brody beside him. What if Mom and Dad hear his yell? If they find me out here at friggin’ two in the morning, they are going to lose it. “I better head home.”

Gavin’s body trembles as he slowly walks toward their back door. “Yeah, we better head in too,” Brody says as he watches Gavin walk to the door.

I call after him, “Bye Gavin.”

He lifts his hand up, not turning to look at me and waves wildly.

I’m about to step off the side of the porch when Brody stops me, “Hey.”

I look back at him, anticipating him saying more. “Yeah.” I wipe the few droplets of rain from my forehead with the sleeve of my sweater.

“Thank you.”

What was he thanking me for? For earlier tonight with Spencer and Celine at the DQ? For the camera tutorial with Gavin, offering to take him under my wing with the photography and paper thing? Those didn’t require thanks. Those were just me wanting to be a part of something other than myself. Gavin makes me want to do that and so does Brody, Nikki, Asher, and even Lia. “I haven’t really done anything,” I say softly.

Brody’s eyes fix on mine. “Yes you have, Evan. You listened and you didn’t judge. Those two things are hard to find around here when it comes to the Fergusons.”

Hearing him voice his thoughts so candidly and give me an honest-to-God thank you for it nearly breaks my heart. I want to tell him I know exactly how he feels, but instead I softly say, “You are welcome.”

I step off the porch into the softening rain and run from the Fergusons’ gate through ours and into my house without a sound.

October 2013

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

Evan gave me my picture yesterday during class. I didn’t look at it when she gave it to me. I quickly slipped it into my binder. I saw Spencer and Chad eyeing me and knew they would do something to try and take it from me.

I didn’t say thank you to her. I’M SO STUPID. Why didn’t I say thank you then? Why am I only thinking about it now?

Anyway, I did smile at her when she handed it to me.

Wait, I think I did.

I’m forgetting things again; A LOT.

I asked Mom if it was one of the medicines she told me was too expensive to keep buying that was keeping me from forgetting things.

She said it was and that I needed to work harder at remembering things on my own for a while.

I really liked taking that picture with Evan the other night in the backyard. I had never held a really old camera like that before. As soon as we got home, I dried off and got on my computer. I wanted to know everything I could find out about 35 mm cameras; the kind Evan had. She didn’t tell me or anything, I just looked at it and found the exact one on the internet.

When Evan asked if I wanted to take pictures with her for the paper and told me I had an eye for photography, it made me excited and happy and anxious all at once. I felt ELATED ( I never get to use that word in a sentence and I always have wanted to, so there.)

Then Brody said I didn’t have an elective to switch from and I instantly felt let down. I tried to hide it by walking away and walking it out. That is what Dad always told me to do.

It wasn’t until we came inside from the rain and Brody told me goodnight that a ray of hope returned. He asked if I felt comfortable around Evan enough to try out the photography thing. Without a second thought I told him I did. I mean, it’s weird, but I look at her like she is a sister I never had, which is strange because I don’t like new people much. But Evan, she is a different kind of new to me. A new that makes me feel kind of safe. Kind of like Nikki, Ash, and Lia do when I got upset or sad about something.

Anyway, Brody said he would take me to the newspaper computer lab today during his shop class so I can get started with Evan and Nikki. So, I won’t say farewell when the road darkens because I am not faithless; not yet.

K, gotta go. Bye.

-G.F

AFTER THE CONFRONTATION WITH CELINE and Spencer and the sneaking out in the middle of the night, things seem to settle down at school and at home. Maybe it is the homework: projects, papers, exams that start piling up on us. I feel the crunch, and I’m sure others do. Mom starts back with interior decorating the O’Keefe’s house, Celine’s house. I’m not enthused, but it keeps her from hovering over me which is a plus. For the first time in a long time Mom really looks happy. She has a ton of energy and is excited about being back in her element.

The insomnia is getting bad again. I don’t tell Dr. Larson at our weekly visits and definitely don’t tell Mom. Why? I’m afraid I’m getting worse and the medicine isn’t doing what it’s supposed to. Yeah, I could take the Xanax, but I don’t want to feel dependent on it. I mean, who wants to depend on drugs to feel better? What happened between Brody and me that night at the DQ, the talking in the middle of his yard, and him thanking me before I went home in the rain, made me think things between us had passed the awkward phase. He knows I care about Gavin and am only looking out for him. I thought he trusted me, but all of that goes quiet too. Brody is back to being guarded where Gavin is concerned; the next day I smile at him in the hallway and he looks through me with zero emotion as he passes by. Asher joins Brody and Gavin, leaving me and Nikki wondering what has changed. I give Gavin the picture of the moon, he took, in English class. I developed it for him overnight, and put it in a parchment paper bag I’d had in my desk from some of my older photos. I’m not lying when I tell him he has an eye for taking pictures... he really does.

When I hand him the picture, he smiles lightly and quickly tucks it in his binder without even looking at it. With how excited he was about the picture last night, I expected he would want to see it, but he is as guarded with me as Brody is.

It’s a surprise to see Brody and Gavin talking to Nikki in front of the computer lab just before class. When Nikki sees me approach she gives me a short wave, which apparently is Brody’s clue to become scarce. He pats Nikki on the shoulder and walks away before I get any closer. It feels like taking a punch to the gut.

A few times I’m tempted to join them in the courtyard, where they eat lunch every day. Each time, Nikki tells me to just let it go and leave them alone. I keep an eye on Gavin in English and during Newspaper he is my welcome shadow. Working on the paper, discussing the shots I need to take for the month’s paper, he is alert and eager. He questions why we need a particular shot, where we will have to go to take it, and when he can use my camera again. His enthusiasm lightens my feelings of being shunned. At least one brother is still talking to me. However Gavin’s mood shifts quicker than lightning in English class; he isn’t much company. His focuses on finishing classwork and opening his current rotation of books: Lord of the Rings, Fellowship of the Rings, and Hamlet. His transformation from one class to the other is so obvious I know something is up. It has to be Spencer and his side kick, Chad.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering what made Gavin choose his go-to books, he is so faithful to Lord of the Rings and Hamlet. Is it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Is he in some kind of obsessive whirlpool stuck on rotating the books depending on how he feels each morning. In the brief Google search I make one night on both Lord of the Rings and Hamlet, piggy backing a much lengthier Google search of Asperger’s Syndrome, I learn that Hamlet was a tortured and odd soul. Could Gavin somehow relate to Hamlet? Is that why he chooses that play out of all of Shakespeare’s to read and re-read and re-read again? Is the Lord of the Rings series of epic novels merely an escape into a fantasy realm where none of these idiots (aka Spencer and his asshole sidekick Chad...among others in this school) can touch him or bring him down? The thing about idiot bullies is they attract onlookers and new participant idiot bullies like moths to a flame. I can understand why Gavin and Brody still sit in the courtyard away from everyone, avoidance. But is it just Spencer, Celine and all the other idiots they are avoiding or is it me too?

To be honest, it is easier to handle the cold shoulders at school. I mean, I have Nikki, Lia, and Ash to talk with. More than anything else, I miss the night time talking on the Fergusons’ back porch with Brody. It’s been weeks since that night Brody told me about Gavin’s medical history. Each night I am awake, I look out hoping to see Gavin or Brody. I am falling into an insomniac roller coaster; three nights, I can’t sleep at all. Two nights, I sleep like a rock and don’t want to get up for school. Three nights off, two nights on, three nights off, two nights on. I notice my fuse becomes shorter with Mom, Dad and even Nikki. Mom and Dad question me about how I’m feeling. I know they are wondering whether the meds are working. I tell them I have cramps, PMS, that school is getting tough, but never that I am tired. Mom would come at me full force with the sleeping pills and I don’t want that. The feelings of nothing being good or going right in the world rise too, including feelings of self-loathing, not being good enough. The only thing that is different is that before I never really observed them, contemplated them until I after had already spiraled and blew up on my family. Observing it, I am able to keep the spirals in check. Good out of all the bad, I guess. I wonder if it is the medication or me just changing, growing up.

By mid-October, the weather has changed, but not by much. Cooler than it had been when school started, which puts the temperature around eighty degrees during the day; pretty much like California weather except for the sticky humidity which still lingers in the air. Nikki comes by one Saturday to see if I can hang out.

I greet her at my bedroom door, “Hey.”

“Hey, what are you doing?” she asks.

I shrug. “Not much.” I open the door wider, letting her enter.

“Your mom let me in. What are your dad and grandpa doing out back? Looks like they are building something.”

GRANDPA AND DAD HAVE BEEN working on my photography shed, every weekend, for the past four weeks. I think it is cool bonding thing for them. They laugh a lot and drink beer when they finish for the day. It’s cool to see my family doing things together. I peek out every once in a while to see the progress, but try to stay out of the way. A couple of times, I bring them out food. Grandpa asks how school is going and I give him the blanket phrase, “It’s going good, Grandpa.”

He asks if I’ve thought about college. Once again, I have a blanket phrase: “I’m looking into it.”

He doesn’t push and neither does Dad, even though I know eventually Dad will. Even though he tries to hide it, I can see he worries about me. I quickly change the subject and say something about the shed, “It looks great! Thank you!”

I must have thanked them both a million and two times and it wasn’t even finished yet. Last weekend they told me that this weekend they’d wrap up the electrical and then they would be done. With my mood lately, I should be more excited than I actually am. I mean, I’m happy about having it and grateful, just not super ecstatic and thrilled emotionally. I am emotionally deflated and can’t re-inflate.

“YEAH, THEY ARE BUILDING A darkroom shed,” I say to Nikki, casually as I flop down on the chair at my desk.

“A what? Sounds kinky,” she says, smiling coyly and raising her eyebrows.

“Smart ass.” I smile and laugh a little then explain. “It is for developing my photos; a photography thing.”

“Oh, cool. Okay, so Ash and I are going to this carnival thingy. Wanna go?” she asks as she flops onto my bed.

I spin on my chair to face her. “Uh, I don’t know. When are you going?”

I really don’t feel like going, but Nikki has a way about her. She doesn’t take no for an answer too well. “Come on, Evan. Get out of the house a little. You have spent the last three weekends dodging me.”

She mimics my voice but in a squeaky annoying tone that can’t possibly be mine. “No, I can’t go to the mall. I don’t need anything. No, I already saw that movie. No, I’m too tired. No, I was going to go take some shots with my camera. No, I have homework to catch up on.”

Her voice shifts back to her own as she rises on my bed in a kneeling position, towering over me. “And I know that is bullshit for a fact because I talked to your mom and she said you had finished your homework and were laying up here messing with your camera.”

Both of her hands are resting on her hips like a mama hen and I can’t help but crack a smile at her, posturing over me.

“What the hell are you smiling about?” she asks, unable to keep a straight face herself.

I shake my head, mostly at the fact she has pulled out all the stops to get me out of the low mood I had been perpetuating, slowly building negative thoughts on top of negative thoughts.

“Okay.” I tell her, looking up at her with a smile.

“Okay. Okay for what?” She asks, raising her hands up in question.

I grab my camera and long lens, place them in my camera bag, then stand in front of her. “Okay, I’ll go.”

“Really!” Her shriek is ear-piercing and she claps her hands together like she is a cheerleader. She jumps from my bed. “Okay, Ash is picking me up in an hour. I am heading home to get ready.”

I don’t know why she needs to change. She looks fabulous in her skinny jeans, low boots, and gray off the shoulder sweater. I mean, her makeup looks great too for God’s sake.

“You look great Nikki. You don’t need to change.”

She stops at the door and smiles. “I know, just going to touch up a bit. See you in a few.”

“So Ash is going. Will Lia be there?” I ask, slowly making my way through the names to see if Brody will be there too.

“Yes.”

“What about Gavin and...um..Brody?” I stutter as I scratch the top of my head.

Nikki smiles, coyly, “They might be there. Brody has been working a lot lately, putting in extra hours.”

I nod as I rummage through my dresser, aimlessly looking for something to wear.

The way she says it makes me wonder if Brody’s part time job is more than just an after school job. Is the extra money needed because of his father’s disappearance in Afghanistan? I mean, it would make sense.

“Extra money?” I ask probingly.

Nikki’s light air turns serious. “Whatever he makes he uses to help out his family.” She like she’s about to say more, when she shakes her head. “Ash and I will pick you up in a bit, K?”

I nod as Nikki disappears down the stairs. I continue mindlessly rummaging in my shirt drawer as I think about Brody and how I have been so naive thinking he was avoiding me and only me. He has a duty to his family since his father is... well gone or whatever and here I am wallowing in my own pity party and what do I really have to wallow in? Nothing really other than lack of sleep and a problem with my mood. I snag a top from my drawer, slam it shut and get dressed.