dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (32 page)

“I’m prolonging and waiting. You should learn some patience,” she said.

“Oh, but you weren’t very patient last night. I tried to be patient then. But now I can’t be patient,” I said. I had to question myself and wonder if it was completely my own arousal or if I was trying to avoid talking. It was easy to avoid telling the truth when we were sitting in a dark car on the way home. But if we spoke face to face, I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep my promise to Mason.

“Well, I’m patient now. I smell like smoke from the fire and I can’t sleep with this smell on me. So I need a shower,” she said as she pushed open the door and turned to face me.

I shut the door behind me and without looking, I lifted my hand behind me and locked her door.

She lifted her tee shirt and began to unfasten her bra and then she removed her shorts. I only leaned against the door and quietly watched.

When she stood naked before me, she silently smiled. “Are you going to take one too? I don’t want my sheets smelling like smoke from you,” she said.

“Of course,” I said as I quickly kicked off my shoes and removed my clothes.

_______________

We made it to her room after our shower.

She lay back on her bed and neither of us bothered with towels.

I didn’t say anything as I looked down on her. We had just had crazy sex and I was ready for more. But this eagerness was something far different than what I felt in the shower with her. Something changed.

I lay next to her on the bed and spooned her body with mine. She lay on her back and I curled around her side with my leg.

Pushing her hair behind her ear, I traced kisses up the side of her neck. Then I cupped her chin and turned her face to mine and kissed her. I put every emotion and thought into that kiss. I wanted her to know that I did love her. It was a foreign, deep emotion I felt with her and I loved it. I loved loving her. It felt like the most real, important thing I had ever experienced in my life.

“I love you, Brecken,” I said as I pulled away from our kiss and looked into her eyes. “I mean it. I know it’s early with us. But I think I get what I’ve heard before. When you know, you know. And I know without a doubt Brecken, that I love you. It isn’t fake. It isn’t false. It is what it is. I can’t help it. I love you,” I rested my forehead to hers and laughed.

“Why are you laughing?” she asked as she smacked my shoulder and pushed me away from her.

“Because I just heard UB40 in my head. My mom loves them,” I said with a smile.

“Okay. UB40 aside, that was the best thing I’ve ever heard. I love you too, Blake. Let those words sink in, because I mean them and I won’t say them often. I don’t think I need to say them all the time. I’ve only said that to one other person and it was years ago and I don’t think I understood what it truly meant. I trust you and I love you,” she said as she returned her lips to mine.

I moved above her and sheltered her between my arms as we continued to kiss. I moved her legs apart with my knee and settled between them. I didn’t move to enter her; I rested between her thighs and cherished the closeness of her. It wasn’t time yet. I wanted to touch every part of her body with every part of mine.

She wrapped her legs around me and ran her hand down my arms. She used her legs to pull me even closer to her and rose up to meet me. It reminded me of how we hold hands. I made myself there and ready for her as she took the last step. She pulled me into her, just as she lifted herself to me.
Just like how we hold hands
.

I pulled her hands from my back and wrapped our fingers together. I guided my movements inside her and I lifted our hands together to just above her shoulders. I lowered myself onto her and felt every part of me fill with emotions. I swear I even felt it in my fucking feet. I was so close to her. I was closer to her than I had been with any other person and I had to kiss her.

I moved slowly within her as we gently kissed. Our hands remained tightly wrapped until I let go and she returned them to around my back. She pulled me close to her and our chests pressed against one another. I held her face between my hands as I looked down at her. She was beautiful.

Her eyes were closed and she looked so fucking beautiful and euphoric. I kissed her once more. “Look at me, Brecken,” I said quietly.

Her eyes slowly opened and when she met my eyes her fingertips rubbed my back. We kept our eyes locked on one another as I couldn’t continue moving slowly.

My pace quickened. This was different.

I didn’t think it was possible for a guy to have a different orgasm. I suppose this was still the same old orgasm and release I always have.

But this
was
different.

My whole body was consumed by Brecken. I loved her and my heart was pumping Brecken into every part of me. I’m sure it was all in my head, but that was okay. If I felt that much of a connection with someone and it came from just my thoughts and feelings, then that was enough.

A simple line painted to the wall. Arrows pointed in either direction on each side of the line.

You go your way, I go mine?

“Mom, seriously—calm down. It’s just Blake and our friend,” I said as I lifted the pan of water onto the stove. I thought of last night with Blake and how close we had become. I did love him.

“I know Brecken, but this is the first time I’ve cooked for your Blake,” she said with a knowing grin.

“My Blake?” I asked.

“Yes, you may not realize it, but that boy belongs to you,” she said on a smile. I felt a smile form on my own face. It was involuntary. I had to smile when I thought of Blake.

“Mom, please don’t call him a boy. That doesn’t help my anxiety about the age. It makes me feel dirty. But you may be right,” I said as my smile grew.

She laughed and swat at me with a towel. “Oh Brecken—that
man
belongs to you,” she said.

“I don’t want to own him mom,” I said as I set about to cut the peppers. “Love isn’t ownership and it’s not controlling the other person. Love is walking side by side and understanding without words that you’re together. You shouldn’t have to be continually reminded that you are loved or that you belong to someone. You should just know. Unfortunately, I’ve learned most people don’t see things that way, so I don’t expect anything from Blake. Too many girls these days expect the man to put them on a pedestal.  They want to be revered as if they were a priceless jewel.

“And that’s bullshit.  No one is priceless. The only person that will always be there for you—is you. Then if you’re lucky and when I say lucky I mean like winning the lottery lucky—you will meet someone that knows themselves enough to love you. It is those people that you want to have a relationship with.  You don’t want to be with someone that looks to you to figure out who they are.  They should be willing to do that on their own. They shouldn’t depend upon you for that.  No one can do that for you.”

“Oh, I sometimes forget how you get on your rants, Brecken Drake. But I didn’t realize you were that disheartened with the world,” my mom said.

“What are you talking about? You’re the one that has spent the last twenty years not accepting another chance at romance.”

She laughed a sarcastic laugh, “Romance? It died years ago.”

“See! How can you judge me for being disheartened when you say crap like that?” I asked.

“Because it’s true Brecken. But I think you have something different with Blake. I can see it—he looks at you the way I thought your father looked at me at one time. It’s like he sees everything you do as this miraculous thing—even just running your hand through your hair. His eyes light up every time he sees you.” She ran her hand over my hair with a smile.

“Okay, I know he cares about me and he loves me, but I don’t think that level of love is possible for everyone. Romance like that died years ago, just as you said. It may not have ever really existed. But it continues to die more every time some chick believes romance means diamonds or flowers ordered from some eight hundred number. That’s not romance.  That’s pre-packaged bullshit forced upon you to set your standards by.  I can’t live that way.  I want reality.  That’s romantic.  The blood, the guts, the shit, and the tears… because honestly all the fairy tales force fed to little girls are really going to fuck up society in the future.  Just you wait and see.” 

My mom laughed. “Brecken you’re talking in circles. You say you and Blake aren’t at that level, but everything you just described is what I see with you and him. You guys
are
the real deal. There is no way for you not to be, my little freckled dragon,” my mom said with a soft smile. She always called me that when she wanted me to really listen. It was the meaning of my name and she said she never realized how prophetic that name was for me.

There was a knock at the door and my mom jumped at the sound. “Shit, we still have so much left to do,” she said.

“It’s fine. They aren’t going to care, Mom,” I said as I went to let them in.

I opened the door and smiled at the two of them. Blake took my breath away. As much as I had tried to deny it and convince myself we weren’t perfect together, I knew it was a lie. He was amazing. His smile brightened my day and we truly did love each other.

Without hesitation I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him and pressed a deep kiss to his lips. I didn’t care that Mason was standing right next to him, examining the siding of the house to give us privacy.

Blake laughed and pulled his head back to give me a look as he gave a pat to my thigh. “That’s quite the hello,” he said, kissing above my eye, and then he lowered me to stand in front of him.

I peeked around his side, under his arm and smiled up at Mason. “Hi Mason,” I said as I pulled him into a hug.

“Brecken, I need some help in here,” my mom yelled from the kitchen.

I led the way back to the kitchen and kept Blake’s hand firmly in mine. I smiled at him and he gave me his big ass smile in return. Maybe my mom was correct. He did look at me the way she described.

“Okay Mom, reinforcements are here, let’s do this thing,” I said as I entered the kitchen and she turned around from the sink, holding the pan of noodles to drain. “Mom, this is Mason,” I said as I waved my hand to him.

My mom was motionless as she stared at Mason and all color drained from her face. “It’s you,” she said before setting the pan on the counter. She walked toward Mason and I was confused as to what the hell she was talking about. “It’s you,” she looked at me then back to Mason. “You sent the letter. I would know it even without that letter, but seeing you, my god, it’s you. Isn’t it uncanny, Brecken?” my mom said, looking at me wide-eyed and put her hand up to Mason’s face.

Letter. You sent the letter.
My mom stared up at Mason and the world surrounding me went stale. It was as if I could hear every little sound—the bubbling of the sauce on the stove, a dog barking in the distance, the beat of my heart. All of it blaring in my ears as everyone in the room went silent.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Look at him. I read your letter. I didn’t know Brecken read it. You cheeky girl, teasing me this way,” she said. “This is a wonderful surprise for me. Why didn’t you tell me it was
the
Mason coming over?” she asked.

I followed the trace of her hand along his chin and I realized in that moment what she saw. The sharp line of his jaw, the way his eyes curved down at the outside edge.
The color—my god the color.
They were the dark brown that looked down at me lovingly for so many years and tucked me in at night. The same eyes that told me I could be anything. They were the same eyes that looked at my mom with love. The same eyes I saw in the mirror. Now they looked at me and were laced with hope and fear.

Mason’s expression faltered and he looked like he was going to cry when he saw me watching him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know. I really didn’t—know…”

“Yeah, he just found out yesterday,” Blake said from behind me, still holding my hand.

“What do you mean he found out yesterday? How do you know, Blake?” I asked without hiding my anger and pulling his hand toward me in frustrated pain. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?” I closed my eyes tightly before opening them and giving Blake a glare. I dropped his hand.

“I didn’t intentionally keep it from you. We both found out when we went to your grandpa’s. Please I told you last night, you would learn something today,” Blake said, pleading to me.

“So you went through the entire party and then took me home and made
love
to me knowing this
truth
and didn’t say a word? Who the fuck are you?” I turned to look at my mom and Mason. “I need to sort this out,” I said, clenching my hands at my side.

I said I wanted the blood, guts, shit, tears, and reality. It looks like I got it. It also looked like I was a hypocrite, because I couldn’t handle it.

I slammed the back door behind me as I walked out of the house and entered the garage. I was planning to use this area to practice with Mason and Conall.