Diva Diaries (43 page)
Authors: Janine A. Morris
102
Rock-a-Bye Baby
I
t had been three weeks since the miscarriage, and Dakota was just starting to get back to herself. She decided to go back to work and spent fewer of her nights curled up in a ball, crying, and more of them lying out, watching television. At first she planned on taking a month of her maternity leave, anyway, just so she could take some time to cope with her loss. She changed her mind when the days were getting longer, and she realized that she needed to stay busy.
t had been three weeks since the miscarriage, and Dakota was just starting to get back to herself. She decided to go back to work and spent fewer of her nights curled up in a ball, crying, and more of them lying out, watching television. At first she planned on taking a month of her maternity leave, anyway, just so she could take some time to cope with her loss. She changed her mind when the days were getting longer, and she realized that she needed to stay busy.
After the miscarriage, Dakota had spent the first week and a half in the bed unable to eat, sleep, and barely wash. It was definitely a state of depression, but it was the kind that made everyone that cared worry about her safety. She wouldn't answer her calls half the time, and she was very particular about who visited her and when. Everyone close to her understoodâshe had been so excited about the life that had been growing inside of her; she finally was going to have her own little someone. The miscarriage was so suddenâit was like a huge brick had just crushed the life out of her. It wasn't as if she was having a high-risk pregnancy, it just happened. It happened and Dakota was definitely not prepared to handle it. Her depression came from guilt, too; although the doctor wasn't sure, she said it was possibly due to her previously terminated pregnancies. This only added to her emotional stress.
With a few more days to cry her heart out and have her friends help her get through, she was feeling a little better. Every now and then she still had moments when she felt upset. She still hadn't put away all the baby books and the items she had already purchased. She was coping better, and was able to actually be at home alone and feel fine. The first week or so, when she was really depressed, Chrasey and Jordan had spent more time at her house than ever before. Taking turns practically spending the night, making sure she was barely left alone. Tony had been by a few times, but it was obvious he didn't know what to say or do. He wanted to try to console her, but he didn't know how. His presence just depressed Dakota most of the time, because he was a reminder of what she'd lost. She also knew that without the baby, it would only be a matter of time before he would start back his old ways. So as his visits got shorter and further in between, she welcomed his behavior. She preferred it to be what it was rather than what it was going to be.
Dakota wasn't only suffering the loss of the baby, she was coping with the loss of Tony. She had mixed feelings about losing him, though, because she knew she never really had him to begin with. When she first came home after losing the baby, Tony was there for her. Her first night back from the hospital, they both cried togetherâthat was probably the most emotional night they'd ever experienced. It was cool until the first night that he didn't come over, when Dakota started to build resentment. Inside, she blamed Tony for the miscarriage as well because she knew that dealing with him caused unnecessary stress, and she was becoming more and more distant toward him.
Last Saturday night Jordan and Chrasey had come over to Dakota's house. They brought martini mixes and games. They sat up in Dakota's living room, having a revival. Drinking, laughing, watching movies, and playing games. The neighbors had to think there was a huge party going on with all the noise and laughter, but it was just the three of them having themselves a good old time. They were cranking ex-boyfriends and old college friends that they no longer talked to. They were just acting like they did in their younger days. It had been years since they were able to just let loose and act like wild college kids again, and it felt great, even if just for the moment. So as they got drunk with their frozen fruity drinks, they got silly and they got happy. It was meant to be therapy for Dakota, but it was a resurrection for all three of them. They needed each other, and when it was hard to verbalize what exactly they needed, actions always spoke louder than words. They just needed each otherâno men, no children, no jobs, no responsibilities, and no drama. Just each other, like they were back in college. They sat there until about four in the morning, having their own little private party, and it was just what Dakota needed. It was just what all of them needed.
103
Pain and Pleasure
K
eith tried to console Chrasey as she went through her own slight depression over Dakotas's loss. Chrasey came home from work and went right back out to Dakota's house. There were a few nights when Jordan told her to stay with her familyâand that she'd do it. Those nights, Chrasey spent with her kids, thankful that she had them in her life. You don't remember what a blessing your children are until you meet somebody who loses theirs, or someone who can't have them.
eith tried to console Chrasey as she went through her own slight depression over Dakotas's loss. Chrasey came home from work and went right back out to Dakota's house. There were a few nights when Jordan told her to stay with her familyâand that she'd do it. Those nights, Chrasey spent with her kids, thankful that she had them in her life. You don't remember what a blessing your children are until you meet somebody who loses theirs, or someone who can't have them.
Chrasey had spoken to Trevor twice since the last time they met upâhe had called a few times, but she was usually with Dakota and she didn't want to take the calls. She did want to continue to see Trevor, but she just wasn't ready to lead that life again.
She had discussed with Jordan, now that Jordan could understand, her dilemma with Trevor. She didn't want to bother Dakota with it; she mentioned it on their girls' night out but not much because that was Dakota's time. Jordan's opinion was still that Chrasey should work things out with Keith. She said she shouldn't give up on the marriage while they were still trying to work it out. She said she'd given up when he
wasn't
trying to work it out, but Jordan said that Chrasey still had hope this time around. However, Jordan did say if Trevor was the one giving her good loving and making her days brighter, to keep him in the picture. That was what Chrasey had in mind, anywayâshe just wanted to scale it down. She wasn't trying to be going out on dates and talking to him daily like before. She just didn't know how to tell Trevor she wanted him only when she needed some, and for an occasional talk.
wasn't
trying to work it out, but Jordan said that Chrasey still had hope this time around. However, Jordan did say if Trevor was the one giving her good loving and making her days brighter, to keep him in the picture. That was what Chrasey had in mind, anywayâshe just wanted to scale it down. She wasn't trying to be going out on dates and talking to him daily like before. She just didn't know how to tell Trevor she wanted him only when she needed some, and for an occasional talk.
Trevor had explained to Chrasey that he was dating someone, but that's all it was. He said even though Chrasey was married, if he could have what they had before, he would be cool with that. He said he knew that Keith wasn't going to be able to keep her happy and he wanted to be there, next in line, for when those days came. As sweet as that was to Chrasey, a piece of her hoped that Trevor would give up on her so she wouldn't have the temptation.
She also hoped that things with Keith could be better so she wouldn't give in to temptation. Things at home with Keith were coolâthey had their good days and their bad days, but the typical days with minimal conversation were the majority. Chrasey didn't want to just settle for minimal; she was still young and had her whole life ahead of her. When she got married, she envisioned a life of fun days and nights at home, family vacations, kinky, spontaneous sex, visiting friends, etc. She was aware that the sex fades and the fun fades and all of that, but not this soon. They were only in their early thirties and had lost so much of their spunk, it was a shame.
She was aware that their outside distractions didn't help, but their lifestyle was still at an abnormal low. They weren't doing anything togetherâthey weren't going anywhere, and Chrasey didn't know what Keith was doing for sexual pleasure. Plus, they barely talked to one another. The most they did was play a game together here and there, and that was their effort at making it work. She'd tried everything in the pastânow it was Keith's turn. She felt that after what he did, it was his turn to fix things. She was tired of trying. He didn't have much time, though, because before long she would be regularly giving in to temptations.
104
One Day
C
hecking her answering machine messages, it wasn't hard for Jordan to figure out who left this one particular message. When she was back in college, one of her favorite CDs was Deborah Cox's debut album. Many of her close friends in college knew it, but only Omar would've done this. On her answering machine, she heard the words to one of the album cuts called “You Don't Miss Me Now.” As she listened to the message, she heard the words,
One day you'll be walking down the street, and you'll see someone and she will look a lot like me, and you'll think about someone you left behind and it will make you cry. One day you'll wonder why you ever said good-bye, you will wish you were still right here by my side, but I won't be around ... you don't miss me now, but one day you will.
hecking her answering machine messages, it wasn't hard for Jordan to figure out who left this one particular message. When she was back in college, one of her favorite CDs was Deborah Cox's debut album. Many of her close friends in college knew it, but only Omar would've done this. On her answering machine, she heard the words to one of the album cuts called “You Don't Miss Me Now.” As she listened to the message, she heard the words,
One day you'll be walking down the street, and you'll see someone and she will look a lot like me, and you'll think about someone you left behind and it will make you cry. One day you'll wonder why you ever said good-bye, you will wish you were still right here by my side, but I won't be around ... you don't miss me now, but one day you will.
As she sat on the edge of her bed, listening to each and every word of the selected part of the song, tears began to roll down her face. Before she knew it, she was crying uncontrollably. She had no time to prepare for this emotional message, and she didn't even know for sure if it was Omar. She knew that it had to be, though, and even if it wasn't, he was who she thought of. Not only because who else would leave the words to that song, but when they'd first started dating, they would leave lyrics on each other's answering machines, especially when they were fighting. Lyrics that expressed the way they felt at the time or about each other. They hadn't done this in years, many years, but it had been one of their things, so she knew it was him.
She wiped her tears enough to see the phone, and dialed Omar's number. After the fourth ring, his answering machine picked up. She listened to his outgoing messageâit had been a while since she'd heard his voice, and it was emotional hearing it. Once the recording was done, it took a few seconds before it beeped.
“I miss you now,” she said. She paused and then hung up.
She lay back on her bed with tears rolling down her face, wondering what she had done. It had been great with Jayonâit truly hadâbut it seemed like not a day went by that she didn't worry about her other life that she'd left behind. It definitely didn't help when Jayon would say something or behave in a way to make her wonder if she could look forward to a future with him. She had to thinkâshe'd had all of this. A relationship with a future, a perfect home and life, but she just couldn't make it work. She was just as wrong as she'd felt Omar had been.
Then she wondered if she really meant it when she'd said on Omar's answering machine that she missed him now, if she really meant it. She did miss him. She missed their in-depth knowledge of each other. She missed their life taking care of Jason, and all the memories they had. She even missed his masculine ways, the ones that used to drive her crazy. The way, at the drop of a hat, he would jump to her or his defense if anybody disrespected one of them. The way he would just tell it like it is; he used to call himself “the truth,” because he was always keeping it real, as he put it. There were a lot of his great qualities that she'd taken for granted, too. Like, she never realized how he knew just how how to keep her appeased. He was always taking them out to dinner or a movie, or some carnival or arcade that was in town. He would bring home movies or a new game, he would just do the simple stuff that he knew she liked. It was simple for him, and meant a lot to her. She didn't realize it then, but now she saw those were the things that had kept them together for so long. He was never done courting her, even after all those years. She did miss him, and it wasn't until she heard that song, though, that she realized how much.
Jordan wanted to call Jayon and talk to himâshe just needed to talk to someone who would understand, and he knew every detail of everything. However, she realized that there were just some things she was better off discussing with Jay when she wasn't emotional. She didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't doing a good job of keeping her happy, because he was. Enough of a good job to get her in this predicament. The amazing part about Jayon was that he always understood this wouldn't be easy, so he understood that she would have these doubts and fears.
After that night at Jayon's apartment when he asked her not to answer his phone, they hadn't been one hundred percent the same. They had just lost their innocence and were starting to experience the downside of being more than friends. They'd had some incidents here and there, but nothing really serious.
Instead, she called Chrasey.
“Chrasey, I don't know what to do,” she whined.
“What's wrong now, drama queen?” Chrasey asked.
Jordan told her about the message, what the song was, and that she thought Omar left it, and why.
“Girl, of course that was Omar, and he's probably trying to let you know something,” Chrasey replied.
“I know, but I'm just starting to have second thoughts and it's scary.”
“About leaving Omar? Or about starting things with Jayon?”
“Both,” she answered. “I feel so low about myself sometimes, and other days I feel on top of the world. Then I'm afraid when Jayon and I start having problems, I will realize that Omar deserved another chance.”
“Jordan, you gave Omar more than enough chances. Since college, you gave Omar chances. He almost lost you before you were engaged, he almost lost you when he got caught in all those lies, and he almost lost you all those times he wanted to play games and take those stupid breaks. This time he lost you. He never learned. He still, after six years of marriage, was pulling that taking a break without talking about it. He took it too far, which was his fault.”
“I know, but he was my husband. Even though I know he was dead wrong, and even though I know that Jayon has been just what I needed and I wanted these past months, I am just starting to wonder if I gave up too soon.”
“Maybe you did, Jordan, but don't go having regrets now. You were under pressure from work
and
home, and Omar didn't take one minute to think about you and what you had to deal with.”
and
home, and Omar didn't take one minute to think about you and what you had to deal with.”
“But you know what, Chrasey? I'm realizing he was right. I should have put more time into my home.”
Chrasey heard the cracking in her voice, and she knew that Jordan was emotional and meant every word of what she was saying. Jordan could tell she didn't know what to say, because like her, she and Dakota always thought her decision was a little life-altering, and they all hoped it would work out for the best. There was fear, though, fear that it could all turn out wrong. It wasn't as if Omar was a bad guyâhe was faithful, to her knowledgeâand he was a good father and husband. Since he was a young adult, he had wanted the family he never had, and Jordan guessed she had ruined his picture-perfect vision of what it was supposed to be like. Omar just lacked sensitivity. He wasn't able to be soft when it was needed, but he was always hard, the way he grew up thinking a man should be. He was all man, she could say that. It's what turned her on to him. She loved his machismo, and his ability to stand strong in the roughest situations. He made her stronger, even strong enough to finally leave him. She had been spending life, happy and strong enough to know she deserved it, but like the message said, she hadn't missed him then but one day she probably would.
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