Divine: A Novel (8 page)

“No, I suppose having an ice hag for a
colleague is a good indication that things are going downhill.” Fuck, I need to
stop saying shit out loud. I could blame Violet, but those words are definitely
coming from the Divine side of my brain.

“I see.”

There it is, that monotone voice of his.
It’s like having a conversation with the teacher from Charlie Brown.
Waah waaah wah wah waaah wah waah.
And
why is he sitting down? I didn’t ask him to sit.

“Div, we need to chat about something. I
know you’re not feeling well, but it can’t wait. I’ve been putting it off for a
couple of days.... why don’t you have a seat for a moment.” He motions to my
desk, hesitant between words. “I’m really not trained in any of this and I
don’t know how to begin.”

It’s the petition.

“I need to ask you something, and I
apologize if it makes you uncomfortable... I don’t want to embarrass you or
anything.”

No, it’s not the petition, but what? Oh
God, please don’t ask me out, anything but that.

“Have you been viewing porn in your
office?”

Fuckin’ A, I take it back, ask me out;
ask me out! “No,” a small laugh springs past my lips as I try to act like it’s
the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. “Are you kidding?”

He exhales and leans back in the creaky
wooden chair. “It’s been brought to my attention...”

“By who?” I cut in.

“Someone from Campus Operations has
brought to my attention that a few adult websites have been viewed, one of
which caused a virus to spread across campus. It was tracked to your computer.”

It’s been more than a few sites, try
hundreds, but Richard’s keeping his cool and he’s trying his best not to
humiliate or shame me.

“Well, that doesn’t mean I did it.
Maintenance comes into my office at least once a day to dump my trash. It
could’ve been them.”

“True. But unfortunately I’m required to
bring it to your attention, and I’m also required to report it to the Dean.”

Of course.

I close my eyes and shake my head
repeatedly until I hear him stand.

“I’m not saying you did anything wrong,
Div. Just be careful, alright?”

I’m silent. What the fuck am I gonna say?
The more bullshit that leaves my mouth, the worse this will be.

“Go ahead and take the rest of the day
off. You look pale. I’ll have our assistant notify your afternoon class.”

I agree, now I really am pale, and I wonder
if the school can fire me for this. No, they can’t prove anything. Even Richard
has a key to this office; it could’ve been anyone.

I check my campus email one last time
before ducking out from the university for the rest of the day. Yeah, I know,
why would I look at my email? Why be stupid? Right? I’ll be spitting fire the
whole way home if Margaret...

Div,

Due
to lack of student interest, I’m suggesting to the Board of Trustees and
President Langer that your program be deleted from our department. Our majors
don’t want to take your classes, and I believe the program will thrive if
you’re no longer here.

Also,
I have approved and signed a substitution form for a student who would rather
take home economics next semester than a digital class. She wants to be a high
school home ec teacher and finds the requirement for computer experience to be
pointless.

Isn’t
the weather great today! I’m taking my students for a walk to Dairy Queen and
then we’re going to play Frisbee. Would you like to join us?

MC

Remember what I said earlier? That
sorority girl Hannah is dead?

I changed my mind.

CHAPTER
EIGHT

I
was in a shipwreck and I’m floating with
a life preserver in shark-infested waters. There’ve been a few nips at my legs,
but I’m waiting for the one bite and hard yank that pulls me under. It’s
coming.

For now, I long to be at home and away
from Margaret and her following of Tweedle-Dees and Dum-Dums. I’ve been reading
since yesterday afternoon and this must be what a cat feels like when napping
in the warm sun - calm, happy, relaxed. That’s me. I called in sick this
morning to continue my book marathon and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve
made in months.

The day is perfect, except I miss Dan,
who I haven’t heard from since the night we ‘fooled around’ - only a door
between us. I suppose that’s my fault. He doesn’t have my cell number and the
only way he can contact me is by walking over or by sending a Facebook message.
I should’ve taken down his number when he called my office phone the other day.
Now I have to search for his name in the online phonebook. No luck. I’ve tried
every combination of initials I could think of, but Mr. James Daniel J.D.
Keller is unlisted. And I suppose that’s just as well. We might get bored with
one another if we talked every day.

No, that’s not true. The guy has taken
over my brain. I’ve never lost a game to any man or let my guard down for even
a split second. I don’t know what’s happened to me this time. Dan has managed
to put a wrinkle in my daily routine; he’s scheduled himself in, something that
I’m enjoying, but wasn’t expecting. Even as I read, he’s in my head, which is
scary because I can usually get so lost in my books that I don’t even hear my
phone ring.

I’ll probably send him a message tonight
before bed, and if I don’t hear from him soon, I’ll know I was used for door
sex.

I want to tell him I’m reading the
trilogy he bought. Hayden’s trilogy. And it’s good. Fuck. I hate to admit this,
but it’s better than mine. I think that’s because my story is too personal. I
wrote it about my parents, a love story that goes horribly wrong. There’s no
happily ever after in my trilogy and maybe Hayden’s doesn’t have one either,
but I’ve researched her reviews and readers love it.

Which reminds me; this morning I got a
new review from some fucker who said my books were unbelievable. Seriously?
They’re based on actual events, not all, but most of it is. Besides, I thought
people read fiction as an escape from reality, to read something that was
invented as a form of entertainment. Right? When I picked up my erotic
westerns, thinking they’d be realistic never entered my mind. As a matter a
fact, I’d probably be pissed if they were. I like Duke and his crooked willy.
It’s endearing.

So, not only am I taking a break from the
university and Margaret’s emails, I’m also trying not to obsessively check my
book sales and reviews. No aggravation today. I’m looking for clear blue skies,
happy garden gnomes, and a lobster with a glass of red wine for dinner. And the
same tomorrow, and the next day, then I should be able to walk onto campus
Monday morning with a brighter outlook on life. Stay optimistic, Div!

Book one is done; finished, completed,
and as with most trilogies, it ended with a cliffy. Readers wouldn’t buy book
two if the story got sorted out, so a cliffhanger is a must. And Hayden’s is
classic, with a woman kidnapped by a dark and damaged male who is some psycho
killer. She was a virgin too, but the guy solved that rather expeditiously. The
moment he got her in his home he said he could
smell
her hymen and needed to have her blood on his dick before the
night was over... and he did. And then he kills her and kidnaps another woman!
And this new woman is in a cage in his basement. Yuck! See, now that’s
unbelievable and very disturbing, but I know it’s fiction and I’d never write
that it could never happen in a review. Okay, okay, I’ll let it go. I just
don’t understand why it doesn’t bother you like it does me?

It
would if I spent time worrying about things as much as you do, wasting all my
time doing stupid shit online, dawdling... just let it go. Let everything go,
clean your fucking house out too, and start over. Be the old you for once, Div.
Stop hiding me inside. Let me out!

You’re going to be inside of me until I
die, aren’t you? You’re never going away.

I’m
the real you. I was ‘the you’ until all that shit happened.

Fuck off. You weren’t me.
You
aren’t me.

Bitch.

“Goddammit!” I toss book two of Hayden’s
trilogy on my bed, slip off my robe and step into the shower. I’m going to wash
Violet away with Coast deodorant soap. Her voice is fucking annoying. Sometimes
she’s a whisper, today it’s as if there’s another person right here in the room
with me.

You’re
a vixen. Dan’s gonna love that shaved...

Hmm mmm, mm mm mm.

Humming’s
not going to cover the voice in your head. Go knock on his door and fuck him.

“I can’t take this anymore,” I say,
placing my hands over my face. “What do I have to do so that you leave me
alone? I want to be free from all of this. Why did that have to happen? Why are
they gone?”

Find
yourself. I’m real and a part of you. You can’t push me away; we’re the same
person. Stop trying to keep me out of your life. That person you take to work
each day and who’s been hanging out with Dan? She’s so fake compared to the old
you. She’s ‘unbelievable.’

“Ohhh fuck. Please go away. You’re going
to make me cry.”

Cry
and let it all out so I can reappear. So we can be one again. It’s okay to be
dirty and nasty sometimes, Div. It’s okay to have a darker side.

“Violet, I’m not the person I was when I
was seventeen. That was nine years ago and teenagers do stupid shit, then they
grow up. I have responsibilities now and you’re not coming back, you’re dead,
deal with it.”

Whoa,
now I’m laughing. I’m dead? How ironic. So let me get this straight. Mom dies,
so you revolt and become an outgoing-drunken-confident-life-of-the-party-slut,
then Dad dies, and you put me in a drawer and become this
shy-nerdy-lonely-college-professor? What’s next? Figure it out, you crazy
bitch. You or me? Who do you want to be? If it were up to me we’d join forces.
We are one and the same after all. Oh, and another thing, would you please walk
next door and screw that man’s brains out? You don’t want to lose him.

“I need help.”

You’ve
gotten help in the past; remember? You had that drug that silenced both of us,
the one for depression. You walked around like a zombie for months and I wasn’t
allowed to speak. It was horrible! We became nothing more than sauntering
flesh. Now, stop talking nonsense and go fuck Dan.

I finger comb my hair and slip back into
my robe, then notice the back door to my bedroom’s open. Wide open. I had it
ajar, just a crack to let in the fresh spring air, but not like this. And
Hayden’s trilogy is gone. What the hell? All three books are missing.

Fuck this. It’s one thing to look in my
window, but another to walk into my home. Damn it, he better not be
downstairs... not in my living room! I race down the steps, but it’s clear. He
must’ve picked up the books and left out the bedroom door. But why?

I’m walking over to see Dan and not
because Violet suggested it. I’m going right now with my sleeves rolled up and
flip-flops flapping on my feet. I don’t care if I’m without makeup or if anyone
sees me. He broke into my home.

I knock. He answers. I hold up my fist.
He shakes his head.

“Who the fuck do you think you are,
breaking into someone’s house? You ass monkey!”

“The door was open. I didn’t break in.”

“Thief. You stole from my home. You broke
in and took my books.”

“Umm, technically those are my books,” he
says in a sly voice.

“No, you can’t walk inside my place
unannounced. It’s illegal, and sick, and twisted, and I should call the cops.”

“You set the stage. You built it, yet you
have cold feet.”

“This isn’t a game, Dan. And what do you
mean by that anyway?”

“You know exactly what I mean, my
shadow.”

Shadow is the name of Hayden Night’s
trilogy, and I don’t understand the connection. “I haven’t been kidnapped and
you’re far from being a man who’s dark and twisted. And,” I say, opening my
robe to give him an eye full. “I’m not a virgin who you’re going to deflower.”

“J.D., do you have any... of... oh... oh
Mary, Mother of our Dear Lord Savior to all.”

“Oh my God!” I yell and tighten my robe, as
an older man walks up behind him. Dan stands with his mouth open, slack down to
his knees. He’s speechless; they’re both speechless, and I’m an idiot. “I’m
sorry! I’m so sorry!” I scream and run back to my place. No, no, no. That
must’ve been his father. The two look so much alike. No. It’s over. I’ve ruined
everything! Violet, you’re so wrong. This isn’t the way to go. It’s not me. Why
did I do that? I don’t understand why I couldn’t just use my words to make a
statement.

Because
he’s winning, and you needed to level the playing field, that’s why.

“Never again, Violet. Never, ever,
again.”

I’m destined to be alone, too embarrassed
to show my face at the university because of the porn, and now I’ve humiliated
myself, and Dan for that matter, in front of his father. If I had the money I’d
move to a small mountain town and live in a secluded cabin, lost and lonely
forever.

Just
you and the sheep, right?

Mehhh.

And that’s how I spend the remainder of
my afternoon. Pacing in my living room, wondering why he took the books, if
he’ll ever talk to me again, if I should walk over and apologize, and when I’ll
stop making animal noises.

I lied earlier. I said my life is meh and
that I walk around my house meh-ing and bah-ing to scare people away. It was
all a lie. I make the noise because of a dream I had last year, one where I
could communicate with people through sheep-like sounds. And people would
answer me using similar noises. It was comforting.

No, I’m not a total nut job. I’m looking
for answers.

I pace and meh until I can pace and mehhh
and bahhh no more, then I go back to my bedroom and collapse on the bed with my
laptop in hand. I’m not opening my campus email or checking book stats, not for
at least a day, but I will go on Facebook, as Div, not Violet.

Thank you Lord! Yes. Dan sent me a
private message. Please be good. Please be good.

5pm
today. You need to be punished. Dress like a Catholic schoolgirl.

Kinky. He still likes me. I was worried
about nothing. No, what I did was wrong and I still need to apologize for that
shit.

Five o’clock? I’ve got twenty minutes to
dress both my body and face. Or maybe he doesn’t want me to dress? Wait, where
are we going?

He wants me to look innocent, but
fuckable, right? That’s what guys mean by Catholic schoolgirl. This is
exciting.

No. Stop. He broke into my house. What
the fuck? He’s turning this around and now
I
need to be punished? What a slick dick, and I almost fell for it.

It’s time to start my own game.

I dress hurriedly, knowing
the look
Dan desires; the short plaid
skirt, white button down with the waist tied to show off my belly button, knee
high socks with platform shoes... yeah fuck him, that’s the guy’s version of
Catholic. He’s getting a lot more than he bargained for. I’m in control.

I step outside in
my
Catholic schoolgirl clothes. I’m ready. Here I come, Daniel,
your plain-Jane bundle of joy is on her way.

He opens his door and studies me from
head to toe before shaking his head with a big grin. “Wow. Even better than I
had imagined. You look spectacular, Div. Let me get my keys and we’ll go.”

What? I’m wearing a fluffy oversized
white sweater with an image of a pink cupcake on the front and an ankle length
skirt you’d see on a pioneer woman of the 1800s. He can’t be serious. Did I
just fucking lose again? I’m not going out like this. No offense to people who
own cupcake sweaters, but I don’t believe it’s the sexiest look when you’re
meeting a guy for a third date, yet for some reason Dan’s happy with it? I give
up. He’s got me.

“Thanks for agreeing to your punishment,”
he says while locking his front door.

“I’m sorry about this afternoon and I’ll
apologize for it over and over again, but just so you know, I’m pissed off that
you entered my home. I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me why, and
why’d you run off with the trilogy?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about...” he
pauses as we stand in front of his home. “I’m starting to adore you. I spent
the morning reading from your pile of Wild West Adventures and got turned on by
the fact that this new woman in my life bought such madcap books, so I came
over to say hello. I need your number, by the way.”

I nod. “Go on.”

“You didn’t answer your front door so I
went around back to see if you were in your bedroom.”