Divine: A Novel (10 page)

“Religion, career, family, money,
entertainment... we have a few more.”

“I think we’re good,” Dan says. “She
passed, right? Are you finished harassing my date?”

“Almost,” Kristen laughs. “Have you slept
with more than ten men?” And then her face goes straight. Just like that. These
people are fucked up. Laughing, then serious, laughing, and then serious. Is it
the alcohol? Now I’m unsure.

Dan exhales and shakes his head. “You
don’t have to answer that, Div.”

“Ten’s a lot,” Greg whispers.

“Six.” Kristen changes the question.
“Have you slept with more than six men? Protected sex? Any babies? Diseases? We
don’t like floozies in our family.”

“No, yes, no, no, and I’m not a floozy.”
I push my empty dish to the middle of the table and lean back, confident that I
won, whatever that means. I’m a good Catholic girl, just like Dan asked me to
be. Although, he didn’t have to ask, I didn’t lie about anything. I was slutty
as a teenager after my mother died, but that included making out with guys, not
fucking them. I’ve been careful and I’m only a slut online and when I write.
Violet would agree. I wonder where she ran off to anyway?

They whisper again, this time so I can’t
overhear, and Dan taps his fingers on the table, impatient, somewhat
aggravated.

“Mom, Dad? This is taking much longer
than usual. Let’s move on, so Div doesn’t get bored and take off.”

Kristen turns to us and finally speaks.

“She passed. You can take her to your
bedroom now.”

“What?” I feel a twitch and an awkward
half-smile on my face.

“Yes,” Greg says. “The third date is a
test with us and once a woman is approved, Dan has our permission to take her
home. You have our stamp of approval, Divine. Have fun tonight.”

Kristen continues to speak as my stomach
growls and the ice cream wants out. Dairy and nerves aren’t the best
combination.

“We think you’re a keeper,” she says, “so
feel free to lay in his bed.”

What the fuck? Is this for real?

“Hey everyone, don’t tell me I missed the
questions,” Bridgette kisses her mom on the cheek as she joins us. “Hi,
Professor Hallowell. Did you pass?”

What the fuck? Bridgette knows too? My
student thinks I’m going to sleep with her brother tonight? Why is this
happening to me? I hope she doesn’t spread a rumor through her sorority house
that I got laid this weekend; life next week on campus will be living hell if
she does.

They start to laugh and I smile to be
polite, but this is weird.

“Are you going to watch?” I ask, and my
question creates teary eyes and flushed faces, even on Dan.

“I’m stopping this,” Dan says. “Div, I’m
sorry. They’re only kidding. They do this to everyone.”

“What?” I say. “Do what?”

“Sorry sweetie,” Kristen smiles. “We
could care less what our adult son does in that bed of his, or that this is the
third date.”

“Yes, we’re not crazy,” Greg says.

No, they
are
crazy. That
was
crazy. “But what if I had said I didn’t believe in God, and that I’d eat ox
scrotum for free, or that I was unemployed and sat around and watched porn all
day?”

They laugh again and this time I join
them.

“It wouldn’t be a problem,” Kristen
answers. “If Dan likes you then that’s all that matters to us. We trust that he
knows what he’s doing. But... and this is one of those big buts, I have to
admit that if I
did
have a say in
what he does, I’d be rooting for you to be in his life. As far as I can tell,
our son’s right, you’re stunning, refreshing, and downright awful-sauce.”

Bridgette takes her mother’s hand and
smiles. “That’s awesome-sauce, Mom, not awful, awesome.”

“She knows what I mean,” Kristen
whispers. “Anyway, if you answered truthfully then I can see why Dan’s
love-sick over you.”

“Love-sick’s a strong expression,” Dan
sits up, as if he wants to leave. “How about, taken, or captivated? It sounds
more manly.” He places his hand on my shoulder and pulls me closer. “I think
you’ve suffered enough. Your punishment’s over,” he whispers. “Mom, Dad, Happy
Marriage Day. Let Bridgette drive you home if you’re drunk, and, just so you
know, I
don’t
give you permission to
get it on in the bedroom tonight.”

“James Daniel,” Kristen grins. “If we do,
we’ll think only about you and what a beautiful son we created in that bed.”

Dan looks like he might gag as the rest
of us laugh. I wish Greg and Kristen a happy evening and shake their hands,
confused as to what to make of my first interaction with this family. At least
I know where Dan gets his odd-ballish side.

“Wait, can I ask a question before you
go, please?” Bridgette begs in a whiney voice. “Since I missed out on the game,
just one question, please?”

I nod. “It’s fine. Go ahead.”

“Okay. This is a good one. Professor
Hallowell, did you kill Hannah’s boyfriend?”

CHAPTER
TEN

B
ig Boy is dead.

My jaw drops at Bridgette’s accusation
and by my expression she knows immediately that I’m appalled, as are her
parents, and Dan. She apologizes quickly, with her tail between her legs fully
ashamed; these words aren’t hers. She’s repeating what she overheard in
Margaret Cole’s Victorian Gossip Hall.

But something else is going on. There’s
relief in her eyes as she stares in awe, like I’m her hero.

Dan hurries me away from his family and
to the car, apologizing for them, all of them, but especially for his sister’s
bad manners.

“There’s a reason she’s like that, Div.
That guy she’s talking about nearly raped her last year. She’s been saying
stupid shit and acting out ever since, like the other day at the mall. I know
she doesn’t mean it; she’s just not handling it well. My entire family’s been
up in arms about the attack and I’m furious she refused to go to the cops about
it. God, I’m sorry she did that to you. She’s having a tough time, and on top
of her issues, she said that guy assaulted two of her friends at the sorority
house. Did you know him? That dickhead, Luke Barnes? Was he a student of
yours?”

Dan’s perturbed, and it’s a side of him I
like, the overprotective big brother who’ll stand up for the women in his life.

“A while ago he was, not this semester,”
I say. “I haven’t seen him in several semesters, but his girlfriend’s in my
class.”

“Yeah, Hannah’s one of Bridgette’s best
friends. She knew what happened to my sister, and still, she decided to go out
with the guy. They’ve been dating since last fall. I’ll never figure that one
out.”

“They’re not dating anymore.” Eww, that
was cold. I can’t believe I said that. “I mean; it’s over now.” Getting colder.
“I wonder what happened to him?” Slightly better.

He hands me his cell. “Google it,” he
says.

I want to laugh, but that seems even more
inappropriate than what I just said. Google it, of course.

The top article when I search the news in
our town is a hit and run. “A passerby on Collins Road found him in the ditch.
His bicycle was twenty feet away.”

Dan nods.

“Sounds like an accident,” I say with my
eye on the road, on edge. Night driving makes me anxious, especially when I
have no control of the wheel. “Could you slow down?”

He looks over. “Oh.”

“Oh, what? Keep you eye on the road, Dan,
not me.”

“You’re either nervous about what you
just read or you’re a backseat driver.”

“Passenger seat driver, thank you very
much.”

He slows and keeps his head straight,
eyes peeled, and two hands on the wheel.

“Thank you.”

“I’m not gonna hit anyone.”

“I’m worried about something hitting us,
not the other way around.”

The street we’re on becomes narrower as
we drive further away from the congested campus vicinity. Our development is on
the outskirts of town, in a quiet, somewhat secluded area, tucked away from the
overcrowded apartment communities and bright streetlights. It won’t be that
private for long, and I knew when I bought the place that in a few years I’d be
surrounded by new houses and grocery stores, and the suburbanites would begin
to multiply. Halloween’s the day that’s most telling of how many new families
have invaded the neighborhood. The first few years only a handful of kids
showed up at my door, then twenty, forty, and last year seventy. They’re
coming. And now, I believe Dan and I need to go to that secret spot at the top
of the dirt road as much as possible before it disappears. But, not tonight.
The experience with his family wasn’t a big turn on, and I’m meaning that in a
sexual way. If we fuck when we get home... and believe me, I’ve been picturing
him inside of me for days... if we fuck, I think I’d keep thinking about his
parents’ words of approval. We have their
permission
to do it tonight. Even if it was a joke, it’s still awkward to screw right
after all of that. Making out, okay, I can handle that, but not a fuck.

“Are they always that way?” I ask.

“Who? My parents?” he laughs. “Mmm, yes,
unfortunately. Take ‘em or leave ‘em. I don’t have much choice since they
created me,” he laughs again. “They’re clingy, but I love them and my family
sticks together through thick and thin, and like most families, we have our ups
and downs from time to time, but we’d do anything for each other.”

“Huh,” I say under my breath.

“You can’t change them. It’s impossible,
and I wouldn’t want to anyway. Would you want to change your...” he pauses and
I swear I can hear him bite his tongue. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

“No, I wouldn’t have changed them. My
parents were perfect.”

We pull in front of his place and I moisten
my lips, just in case he leans in for a kiss.

“Tell me more,” he whispers. “I want to
know more about you, your life, everything.”

I take a deep breath and stare out the
window. A beautiful grey and white cat is in one of the front lawns, sharpening
its claws on a tree. It stops and stares back at the car, then dashes under the
front porch as if it’s offended by my presence.

“Div?”

“They died,” I whisper, still staring out
the window.

His keys jingle as he opens his door and
walks around to the passenger side to help me out.

The dairy and my nerves cause my stomach
to roll again as he touches my arm and I step to the sidewalk. That deep
intestinal movement sets in and I feel warm, sweaty; a little dizzy. Shit.
That’s a fact, that word. Shit. It’s coming. The ice cream wants out and it
wants out now, which makes me even more nervous. No one wants to be sick in
front of a person they’ve just started a relationship with. I need to go, now!
The whipped cream on top added to its richness; it was just too, too much.

We walk a few yards toward his door and
all I can think about is a way to say, thank you, and goodbye. Yet, I want to
go inside with him... oh, this fucking sucks balls. Balls!

“Dan, how about we call it a...”

He leans in and kisses me, under the same
front cherry tree, in the dark, with his hands on my back, moving down, down...
no! Don’t touch my ass!

“I’m sorry.” I race away, as rapidly as
possible to my place. “I’m sorry,” I call back, unable to wait another moment.

“Wait, we don’t have to do anything. I
won’t touch you.” I can picture him holding his hands in the air. “Promise!” He
calls after me. “I can control myself.”

Unlock door, slam door, lock door, run
through room, into bathroom, lift the porcelain lid, lift skirt, slide
underwear, sit... thank God. How many people have gone through this before? The
bathroom panic, and why the fuck does it occur during such important moments?

I could walk over when I’m finished and
explain... yeah, right... how attractive... what a turn on. I’m sure he’d want
to kiss me and hang out when I place a visual of my ass exploding in his mind.

“Div?”

He’s knocking at my front door, just a
room away. I’m silent. Embarrassed. Now I have another hurdle to climb.

You
need a good smack, woman. Boo hoo hoo, so fucking what? You had to take a shit.
You think nothing ever comes out of his ass? What’s wrong with you, Div? Look,
this guy bores the fuck out of me, but he seems to make you happy, so fucking
get off the pot and answer your door. If you don’t, I’ll flash him again, and
next time it won’t be in such a private place. I’ll step away from his door and
do it from the street for the neighbors to see.

I knew that was you who did that, and not
me. I wouldn’t be so crass.

“Div. I’m sorry.” He calls through the
front door. “I didn’t mean to ask about your parents. I didn’t realize the
subject... I didn’t think it would upset you so much that you’d run off. Open
the door, I’ll make it up to you... let me hold you, or at least, let me
apologize in person. I can start over and we can talk about hockey instead.”

I smile.

“Or anything at all. How about the books?
Your western books I’m reading are badass. We can discuss those if you’d like.”

I can’t stop smiling. Dan’s trying to
make me feel better and he doesn’t even know what’s going on. Now he believes
it’s about my parents and not that he was groping my ass. He’s so sweet and so
different from my last relationship with the guy who never took his eyes off
his damn video games. Dan pays attention, to everything.

My stomach, body, and mind are relieved
and I can finally relax. The panic subsides as I wash my hands, both with soap
and of the situation.

It’s quiet outside and when I look
through my peephole, he’s gone. Gone. And now, once again, it comes down to me.
My move.

I place my head against the door and
stare at the floor, debating if I can walk over there now, or if I need time to
plan out my explanation. I know, the longer I wait, the harder it’s gonna be.
His mind must be spiraling out of control, thinking about what could’ve
possibly gone wrong.

“Fuck!” My head jolts away from the door
as another knock rattles my body. I look; it’s him. He’s back.

Unlock door, open door, stare into
beautiful dark eyes, he stares back, my tongue slides across my top lip, he
mimics my actions, I smile, he shakes his head. I’m toast.

“Fuck this shit,” he whispers with a
quick lunge forward. He takes me in his arms and our lips meet. Oh my God, he’s
one step inside my home. Oh fuck, he can kiss. No, he’s in my home! No, this is
way too good to stop. His tongue, yummm. Gliding in and around and out. Jesus.
I need this, but, no, not here. Jesus, Mary, Mother of God. He’s in my house! I
cover his eyes in a panic. The lights are off, but he’d still be able to see
what’s in the front room.

“Don’t look, please Dan. Please. Keep
your eyes closed.” I push him out and shut the door behind us.

“Your house can’t be that dirty, Div. And
even if it is, I really don’t care.”

What
am I going to do with you and all of your fucking problems, Divine Hallowell? A
voice in your head, flashing people, watching porn, looking through Dan’s
windows, hiding out at work, no friends, no family, and you’re obsessed with
all those little ‘knick-knacks.’ You’re bringing me down.

If you can’t figure out what’s wrong with
me and why I’m like this, if you really don’t get me, the way that I act and
the stupid mistakes that I make, then you’re either just as fucked up as me, or
a complete idiot. And if you can’t connect, then go the fuck away.

Hmmm,
sounds like something you should add at the beginning of your books as a
warning to readers. You know, Div, people wouldn’t be able to get through their
day and make decisions if they didn’t have an inner voice, like me, to push
them in the right direction.

He’s staring. Waiting.

“I’m sorry, Dan. I’ll just come right out
and say this. I had a stomach issue.”

His smile puts me at ease. “Is that all?”
he exhales. “Are you better? I mean, I know why. Believe it or not, they add
cream cheese to the ice cream at that place; it’s part of what makes their
desserts stand out from all the rest, but I should’ve warned you. Sorry, Div.”

He lifts my chin with two fingers, still
focused on my eyes. “I thought I really fucked up by introducing you to my
crazy family too soon. You sure you’re better?”

“Much,” I whisper.

“And it wasn’t because of them, or my
prying, or my aggression?”

“No,” I smile. “And you’re far from
aggressive. If anything, you’re just the opposite.” I laugh.

“You’ll be sorry you said that, trust
me.” He has a most gentle expression that causes a tremor to slither down my
spine. “I’m taking things slow with you, because I adore you, but also because
I want to be inside of you, and no, not here.” He slides his hand over my vag.
“I want in, Div. I’ll keep saying that until you open up. Once I’m here.” He
places his hand over my heart and whispers in my ear. “Then I’ll be here.” And
there’s that hand again, circling the front of my skirt. “Feel like coming over
for a while?”

Hell, fucking, oh yeah, yes, please. I
nod but look down at my ridiculous outfit. “Can I change first? Five minutes?”

“Whatever makes you comfortable. My door
will be open.” He walks toward the sidewalk as I rush inside.

I need to make this fast. I don’t wanna
keep Mr. J.D. stud muffin waiting. Damn, that’s a horrible pet name. Still
can’t think of anything that fits him.

One can never be too cautious when it
comes to an unhappy stomach, so I pop a chewable Pepto capsule, just to be on
the safe side, and slip into a t-shirt, my grey hoodie, and a pair of comfy leggings.
I use the bathroom one more time, again, making sure everything’s in order, and
then I freshen up my shaved area in case it gets some action. A moistened
washcloth, some soap and then a little bit of strawberry body lotion massaged
around my abdomen and on the outside of the lips does the trick. Yes, Dan, go
ahead and kiss me, lick me, touch me, I’m ready now.