Domestic Affairs (44 page)

[email protected]
:
Happy New Year! Miss you!

She wrote back, thinking of what Marcy would say if she knew Olivia had scoffed at a paid trip to St. Barths.
It was stupid. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to St. Barths? Me.
She looked at the clock and then down at her BlackBerry, wondering if he would text her. As the clock turned to 12:06 she swallowed her pride and pinned him.

Happy New Year, Landon.

The response pin came back quickly and was painfully innocuous.

You too, babe.

“Uch. Ew.” She was so irritated, she said it aloud to really get the effect, unsure of whether she was annoyed at the response or the fact that she knew that would be the response, the whole response, and had sent the pin anyway. It felt like she had just given him the upper hand in the emotional chess game she had worked up in her head. She felt totally helpless and did the only thing that made her feel better. She leaned forward to reach her iTunes and found Eminem's “Not Afraid.” Turning the volume higher, she sat back deeper in her chair and tugged at her sweatshirt hood, trying to pull it farther down her forehead.

There was something about knowing all the words and being able to say them in time with him, barely breaking for breaths, that always turned her bitterness into some kind of empowered anger. Two minutes in, she was so lost in getting the words right and wondering who she was competing against, she didn't even hear her door move from a bit open to completely open. The knock startled her into a scream.

“Whoa, Eminem. Didn't mean to scare you.”

“Holy crap, Jacob!” In the seconds it took for her heartbeat to get back on track, she held her throat and looked at him. His floppy brown hair, longer than ever, hung over his eyes. Dressed in dark jeans, a vintage-looking T-shirt, and a heavy blazer, he looked almost adorable. He took some steps in and placed an open bottle of tequila on her desk.

She smiled. “What are you doing? Why are you here? You scared the living daylights out of me.”

“Sorry 'bout that. I was at a party having stupid conversations with stupid people. And then I went to get a drink and this bottle of Patrón was just sitting there, so I took it and left.”

Olivia laughed. “Why did you come up here? It's New Year's!”

“It's so stupid . . .”

“Ummm, you did just walk in on me singing Eminem in a hooded sweatshirt at my desk on New Year's. The bar for stupid is pretty low at the moment.”

“Seriously, you are gangster.”

“Okay, so lay it on me. What did you do?” She grabbed two mugs, looking into them to make sure they were clean
—well, clean enough
—and started pouring the tequila.

“Sophie and I had planned to go to this party for ages. I laid out the two hundred dollars in September or something and, yes, I am acutely aware of the fact that we broke up, but I don't know, I just thought . . .”

“That's not stupid, Jacob.”

“Liv, it's moronic. Despite the teachings of
The Secret
, you can't just visualize something and make it happen. Real life requires effort.”

“So she wasn't there?”

“Worse! She was there with the new guy she's dating. Josh. Ech. He works in the state treasurer's office. They've been dating for a month! I hadn't even realized it had been that long. I swear it's like we're in a time warp.”

“Oh, I am so sorry. That sucks. Cop a squat. I'll start pouring.”

Jacob sat and threw his feet on the desk. “My goal was actually to drag you out to a bar. What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

“Well, Jason said he would max out if I was actually here at eleven fifty-nine . . .” She started in on the excuses like a broken record but stopped, knowing Jacob knew too much to believe any of it. “Okay, I couldn't deal with people. That is the sad, sorry story. I just didn't want to be around anyone. I should probably buy a few cats and call it a day.”

“Here's to campaign life.” Jacob lifted the glass of tequila and swallowed it down in two gulps. “So did Jason even call?”

“Yup. Told me I should fly down to St. Barths immediately.”

“Gross.”

“Ha!” Olivia laughed out loud. “You think we are the only two people in the world who think an all-expenses-paid trip to St. Barths sounds terrible?”

Jacob laughed with her. “It's pretty ridiculous. I've never been, but it sounds like the Hamptons on crack.”

“Totally.”

“So how are we looking for the filing?”

“Great. Over two, so we're just super great.” She said it with the annoyed sarcasm she felt.

“That's amazing, Liv. Really. It's awesome.”

“Thanks. I know it's good.” She then downgraded the compliment, as she had been doing all her life. “It feels shitty though.”

“I know.”

There wasn't anything else to say, and Olivia appreciated that Jacob didn't try to add to it, explain it, or defend it. It was what it was.

“I guess it just is what it is,” he said.

They smiled in joint recognition.

“Let's get out of here.” Jacob stood up and smacked her desk. “Call this year over.”

“That,” Olivia said, shutting down her computer, “is a great idea.”

As they stepped out into the street, Olivia felt like she was walking out of a dark movie theater, her eyes taking time to adjust. The lit-up sidewalks bustled like Christmas on Fifth Avenue, people walking in every direction, dressed in every which way, all of them with an intense (often drunkenly intense) mission. Get to the next party, find the next bar, find a cab. All of it seemed to be going on in a world Olivia wasn't part of. It made her feel like she was walking in a hall of mirrors, where everyone around was a version of herself, a version she may have been once or might be next year but definitely wasn't at that moment. She looked at the gaggle of girls on the corner dressed as if they were auditioning for
Sex and the City
. Tiptoeing to try to prevent their super-high heels from touching the snow, they flailed into the middle of the street, arms raised in an attempt to hail a cab.

“This is like soooo annoying,” one of them whined. “Why are there, like, no cabs?”

“Um, heh-lowww, because it's New Year's Eve!”

Then they all squealed together, “New Year's Eve!”

Olivia couldn't help but comment. “Uch. Why are people so annoying?”

Jacob laughed in agreement. “Want to walk a little? I'm staying at the Brinmore, obviously.”

“Yeah, that would be nice. I could go for some fresh air. Plus if I get home too early there's a chance someone will try to convince me to go out. Hmm.” She smiled with self-degrading mockery. “It really is a mystery why I'm single!”

They started to walk up Park Avenue in a silence that seemed to please them both. People flanked them in festive clothes and hats, blowing noisemakers and having idiotic conversations, all of which reinforced for Olivia her choice of a quiet New Year's. She looked up at Jacob, who seemed just as dazed as she felt.

“Hey, thank you for the tequila tonight. I'm sorry it came at the cost of a bad New Year's.”

“Want the truth?”

“Rarely. But sure.”

“I think I probably came more for me than for you. I just needed to be around someone who didn't need an explanation.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“Why are you the only one who does?”

“I'm not. We just don't get out much.”

Jacob laughed, tripping a little bit over his own feet.

“You okay there?” Olivia grabbed at his arm and he spun around into her. Their faces were together in that awkward place that left them too close to talk.

“Liv.” Jacob looked down at her, his eyes more puppy-dog than she had ever seen them. His hand reached down to hers.

Oh no, no, no.
She shook her head and took a step back. “Jacob, I can't.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Say it, Liv.”

“Say what?”

Jacob held his stare, scrutinizing her face, which was still way too close to his. “It's him. Isn't it? It's true.”

“Yes.” The word fell out of her mouth. Guilt and relief.

“Liv. You can't.” His response was more serious than she expected and reeked of desperation, as though hearing her say the words finally slammed the door on the excuses he had been trying to make for the governor. “Don't do this, Olivia. Don't do it to me. To him. To you! How do you think this is going to end?”

“I don't know. I think it might have ended already.”

“Well, I do know how it will end, so let me fill you in. It's going to end one of two ways: the first is you will be caught and this whole campaign plus both of your lives plus mine plus a million more will go up in a huge fiery blaze that
you
started.”

“It's not going to.” She pushed out the words more to stop him than to actually say anything she thought had a bit of truth in it.

He continued with no regard for her protest. “The second way is he will be president and Aubrey will be first lady and you will not. You will be left in the dust of a campaign.”

He meant it as the lesser of the two evils, but the latter choice filled Olivia with a fearful sadness. She had been saying it to herself but she didn't believe it.

“It's not like that. You don't understand.”

“Yes, Liv. I do. They made a deal. She gives up Tiwali and he gives up you. That's why she's been on the road with us. That's why he hasn't been to New York. They don't care about people. It's all about the campaign.”

Olivia looked at him in silence, the words hitting her like a sledgehammer, as he continued.

“Liv, he'll never be able to give you what you deserve. And you deserve so much. You are not the other woman. You should be
the
woman. You deserve someone who will shout your name from the rooftops. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't have to go silent every time he picks up his phone. Someone who will be there for you. All the time. You deserve the moon and the stars and then some. He'll never give that to you, Liv.”

She knew he was right but wouldn't let herself admit it.

“What am I doing?” he said, more to himself, filling in her dazed silence. “Liv, I'm not going to stick around for this. That senator I told you about. The one who offered me a job. I'm meeting with him next week.”

“What?! What is that, a threat?” It was too ridiculous to be true.

“No, it's not a threat.”

“Okay, you're going to leave a presidential campaign to go work for a senator? Give me a break, Jacob.”

“No. I'm going to leave a man who doesn't have a tenth of the morals he had when I signed on, for a man who has double what Taylor may have ever had.”

“He has morals, Jacob.” Olivia went on the defensive with whatever conviction she had left to conjure up.

“No, Liv. He had morals. Trust me, I believed in him more than anyone. But somewhere in between Georgia and here he lost his way. I'm not going to keep following the guide when I know he's lost just because he's the guide. I'm finding a new way and I want you to come with me.”

“I can't just leave, Jacob.”

“Yes, you can.”

“You don't know him like I do.” The minute she said it, she wished she could take it back. It was like she saw the words coming out of her mouth and she raised her arms to reach for them. “I don't mean that. I just mean it's not the same.”

“Yeah. You know what, Olivia, that's the first thing you've been right about in this conversation.”

“Jacob, I didn't mean—”

“No. I'm not offended. I don't know him at all anymore. And I don't want to.”

He looked so resolute, it hurt her heart. Olivia was almost glad that they had arrived at the doors of the Brinmore.

“I'm so sorry, Jacob.” She had just let down the last person in her corner.

“This, Olivia, is not something to be sorry about. It's something to get out of. You're a kid, and he's taking advantage of you. He's taking advantage of us. We deserve better. And,” he added in, “the world deserves better.”

Olivia walked the next twenty-five blocks home by herself with an unbroken stream of silent tears. They weren't the hard kind of tears that fall in anger, and they weren't the sobs that stop your breath; they were just plain human sadness.

O
livia stared down at her vibrating phone as Alek's number flashed in front of her. She looked at the clock, wishing he wasn't calling at 11:54 p.m. For three days now she had served as friend, adviser, and therapist, and she wasn't sure she had another pep talk in her. Plus, it was late. She was tired.
Exhausted.
It was only a week after New Year's, and Olivia's life had gone decisively downhill. The governor was trying to make up for his pre-filing behavior, but instead of making anything better, it had left her on an emotional roller coaster and the only person who understood any of her life, Jacob, was as far away and distant as all her other friends.

To top things off, three days ago the press had accused Alek of being the head of a Ponzi scheme. The accusations, all of which Alek vehemently denied, turned into an indictment. The campaign was in a flurry over it. Alek had called Olivia, originally trying to get a hold of the governor, but, as usual, Landon wasn't calling him back, and Olivia was the stand-in.

She closed her eyes, shook her head, and begrudgingly picked up the phone.

“Hi, Alek.” She had the deflated tone of someone who knows they're about to have a trying conversation.

“Oh, Ohhhlivia. Se princess.” His voice shook with worry.

“How are you holding up, Alek?” She knew the answer. She also
couldn't stop thinking about whether or not her every word was being monitored. There certainly had to be a Campaign Lesson about not talking when the FBI was likely to be listening.