Don't Fall (4 page)

Once when I was little, I accidently locked myself in my room. It was scary, and I started to cry. My mom talked to me through the door, her voice calm and steady as she worked on the lock. She told me it would be okay, and I believed her. Once she got in, she held me until I stopped crying.

Then she yelled at me.

She told me I was absolutely not allowed to lock the door again, and I hadn’t. Not once in over ten years. But I figured now that I knew how to unlock the door by myself, it would probably be okay.

I turned on my radio and spun the volume up until it echoed off my walls. I opened my laptop and brought up Zander’s pictures. Then I pretended he was asking me out again.

“Anya, would you go out with me?” I asked, trying to mimic his low, sexy voice. I imagined his hands, large and warm, resting on mine and sending shivers up my arms.

“I’d love to,” I said back, staring into his dark eyes. His lips would curl up into a perfect smile, with a dimple creasing his left cheek. I danced around the room and acted out the whole date in my head. Out of breath, I finally collapsed on my bed, staring at the ceiling while all of my excitement leaked out of me, sinking down into my blankets.

I couldn’t say yes. I couldn’t go out with him, and no amount of daydreaming could make up for that. Would he want to keep hanging out with me, knowing it wouldn’t lead to anything more? And what if he did? Eventually another girl would get his attention, and she’d be able to jump into his arms like I wanted to. Could I really be his friend and watch that happen? Tears welled in my eyes and spilled over, running down the sides of my face and into my ears. I jumped up, shaking my head, and wiped them away.

I needed a distraction. I opened the other pictures I’d taken the day I met Zander. The little girl clothes hung out in the morning sun. I made them black and white and started fiddling with the contrast just as my mom pounded on the door.

I’d forgotten it was locked. I jumped up, turned my music down, and ran to the door. My hands shook as I fumbled with the lock. “Sorry,” I said through the door. “I’m getting it.”

When the door swung open, my mom stared down at me. “Why was this door locked?” Her voice was sharp with irritation.

“I’m sorry, I was just changing, and I thought I should lock the door,” I spewed out the first lie that came to mind.

“In the middle of the afternoon?” Her eyebrows arched up, her face filled with suspicion.

“I spilled milk on my other dress.”

She glanced behind me, surveying my room. I thought for sure she would sense the lie. But she didn’t. She was so unused to me lying, maybe it never even occurred to her that I could.

“Dinner will be ready soon.” Her voice had regained its normal calm.

I nodded and she left my room. I sighed and plopped down on my bed to save the work I’d done before closing down the computer and heading to dinner. We sat in near silence, the only sounds those of the silverware clicking the plate and her fork sliding through her teeth.

Chapter Six

Zander

Anya burst into the library, cheeks flushed, half an hour after we normally met. “Good morning,” I said. “I was worried you wouldn’t show. That you’d found a more interesting library partner and started coming on Wednesdays or something.”

“Never,” she said, shaking her head. “That’s madness.” She tipped her head back as she said it, rolling her eyes and making me laugh. She smiled and crinkled her nose. “No, sorry. I was in such a rush to get here I forgot my bag of books on the kitchen counter.” She lifted the bag in front of her as if to prove it. “I had to go all the way back to get it. I didn’t want the books to be over—” She glanced at the front desk and froze. She stared at the librarian, an older woman with graying hair, who was staring back.

Anya’s body tensed. “What’s wrong?” I asked. She shook herself and looked back up at me.

“Nothing. But I have to return these and then I have to go. I’m sorry. I’ll see you next time. Okay?”

“Wait.” I grabbed her wrist as she started to turn away from me. “You just got here. I got my reading lists for some of my classes, and I wanted to show them to you.” I released her hand and grabbed my messenger bag off the floor, quickly handing her the sheets of paper I’d printed off. “I was wondering if you’ve read any of them.”

She kept glancing between me and the librarian.

“What’s going on? Who is that?” I turned to look at the woman, and she averted her eyes, pretending she hadn’t been watching us.

“Mrs. Marsh. A friend of my mom’s.” She opened her purse and dug through it, finally revealing a pen. She took my papers and wrote something down quickly. “Here,” she said, handing them back to me. “I’m sorry, but I really should be going.”

She walked slowly to the librarian’s desk, handing over the bag full of books. I strained my ears, trying to hear their conversation.

“Who’s that you were talking to?”

“No one,” Anya said, not glancing back at me.

“It didn’t look like no one. What was he talking to you about?”

“He thought I was someone else. Someone he went to school with.”

“Oh. All right. Well, say hello to your mom for me.”

“I will.”

I watched her walk out of the library then looked down at the papers in my hand. In round, curly letters, she’d written her email address.

I quickly made my way to the computers, typed in her address, then struggled with what to write. What I wanted to ask was,
what the hell was that?
Would she get into trouble just for talking to me?

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: ???

Anya,

I hope everything is all right. Please email me back when you get a chance.

-Zander

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: re: ???

Zander,

I’m so sorry. But if Mrs. Marsh saw us hanging out together all day today like we normally do, I know she’d tell my mom. I’ll try to find out where Shannon was and if she’ll be back next Thursday or if her schedule has changed.

I’ll talk to you soon.

Anya

When I questioned her about her mom before, she got so defensive I let it drop. But this was weird. How protective was Anya’s mom? She couldn’t even know we were hanging out? Did her mom not know anything about me?

Maybe this really wasn’t worth it.

Anya

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: Missed you Tuesday

Hey Shannon, how are you? I didn’t see you at the library on Tuesday and was wondering if your schedule changed. Just curious. It’s nice seeing you. :)

-Anya

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: re: Missed you Tuesday

Uh huh. Just missed me. ;) I heard my mom saw you with Zander. Sorry about that. I was feeling like crap Tuesday but I’m better now. No worries. I’ll see you Thursday.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: re: Missed you Tuesday

*blushes* Thanks, Shannon. :)

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: Thursday

Dear Zander,

I’m looking forward to seeing you on Thursday.

Dear Zander,

I talked to Shannon and I

Dear Zander,

We are on for Thursday!

Why was it so hard? I wanted to send him a note to let him know that I would be there Thursday, and so would Shannon, so I could spend time with him again. But I wanted it to sound casual. Like,
hey just so you know.
Not like I thought he was dying to know whether or not I’d be there. Or like I was dying to see him again. Which I was.

Since Tuesday had been cut short, and really didn’t even count, it had been a week since I’d last seen him. All the other days of the week were just space fillers for me. The only days that mattered were the ones I spent with him. But I had no idea how he felt. Whether our time together meant as much to him as it did to me.

I saw the way other girls looked at him. The library wasn’t exactly a hot spot, but whenever there happened to be girls our age there, they always noticed him.

He hadn’t asked me out again. Perhaps he was already seeing someone else. I stared at my screen, trying not to think about where he might be and what he was doing. My computer beeped. I had a new message.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: Thursday

Anya,

I was wondering if you’d be back at the library on Thursday and if I’d be able to see you.

-Zander

My heart skipped a beat. I wiggled and danced in my window seat. Just seeing his name made me all giddy and happy.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: re: Thursday

Dear Zander,

I will see you Thursday. I miss you.

-Anya

After deleting and retyping the last line four times, I hit send. I leaned back against the window, my heart skipping around in my chest, hoping he’d write back. Hoping he’d say something. Well, something good.

I sat back up and hit the refresh button. I tapped the keyboard in an unsteady rhythm, then hit refresh again. One new email.

To:
[email protected]

From:
[email protected]

Subject: re: Thursday

I miss you, too.

A grin spread across my face as I stared at the screen. He missed me, too. I closed down the computer and climbed into bed, pulling the blankets over my face. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes to dream about him.

Chapter Seven

Zander

I couldn’t stop thinking about Anya. If she wasn’t worth the trouble, good luck telling my brain that. I tried to be logical, to think things through, but images of Anya kept blocking out any practical thoughts.

Her laugh, the way she made me laugh, her bright blue eyes and tulip mouth. I spent far too much time thinking about that mouth. I wanted to kiss her, wanted to wrap my arms around her and pull her to me and never let go.

But that would hardly be appropriate library behavior.

The next Thursday I met her in front of the library with a picnic basket.

“What’s that?” Her eyes narrowed, but a smile played on her pink lips.

“I thought, since you can’t go anywhere else, maybe we could have a picnic right here, behind the library. What do you say?”

She squealed, clasping her hands in front of her. “I love that idea!” She pulled out her phone, like she always did, to send a text. At least now I knew it was just to her mom.

The library didn’t have much of a backyard, but we made it work. I spread out a blanket on the little square of grass and started taking out the food I’d packed. She sat down next to me, spreading her yellow sundress around her knees and slipping off her red shoes.

“Here you go.” I handed her a bottle of pink lemonade.

“Thank you. This was such a sweet idea.”

“Well, I just hope you aren’t disappointed.” I looked down at what I’d brought. “It’s just peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and some fruit salad. I’m not really much of a cook.” I’d thought about asking Mom for help with it, but figured I’d rather eat PB&J than talk endlessly about it.

“That’s okay. It’s just nice to be out of the library and in the fresh air.” She tipped her head back, taking a deep breath that made her chest rise and fall.

The sun was warm on my back, but just looking at her sent chills up my spine.

“So, you must live nearby,” I said. “I mean, since you walk here. Is it far?”

“Mmm, it’s a ways actually,” she said, popping a strawberry into her mouth. She held her hand over her mouth as she finished chewing. “We live right outside of town.”

“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Her lips pointed down for just a second, and her forehead wrinkled like she wasn’t sure how to answer. Then she shook her head and the look was gone. “It’s just me and my mom. How about you?”

“I’m the youngest of five. I graduated this year, and I’m going to the community college in the fall.”

“English lit. Right?”

“Right.”

“Why? I mean, what made you decide on that major?”

I sighed, trying to think of how to explain it and sound smart, but not like an arrogant tool. “I love reading, but more than that I love the language. Love seeing how it evolves and changes, from Shakespeare to Dylan Thomas. And yet so many things stay the same, like the themes, and what matters to us as human beings.”

One side of her mouth lifted, and her head tipped to one side, her blue eyes dreamy. “I love that.”

Nailed it.

“Do you write, too?”

I laughed. “No. I just admire those who do. I’ve applied a few places, but I’m hoping to get a job at the bookstore next fall.”

Her smile grew. “Do you have your own place?”

“No, I’m still living with my parents, but I’m looking for an apartment with my cousin, Blake.”