Doubting Thomas (Tarnished Saints Series) (14 page)

“Didn’t you want to see the kids open their presents?” she tried, knowing it wouldn’t work.

“Angie, please,” he said. “You’re not making this easy.”

She sat as instructed and he stood in front of her, towering over her like a king and his subject.

“Thomas, I’m sorry about the presents,” she said. “I just thought that -”

He leaned over and kissed her square on the mouth, cutting off the rest of her sentence. Surprised, she opened her mouth to say something, and in the process his tongue entered, his body leaning her forward, pushing her back on the bed.

She broke her mouth away, and gasped. “Thomas,” she said in a whisper. “What are you doing?”

“I’m not happy about the presents,” he told her, “but you’ve managed to make my boys smile and that means a lot to me.”

“Well, it means a lot to me, too.”

His mouth closed over hers again, and this time she accepted him, putting her hands on his shoulders, then sliding them slowly down his hard biceps, trembling beneath him with the want she felt for him.

This man was her husband, she reminded herself. He had the right to kiss her whenever he wanted. It felt good to be kissed, and she let him do it. She’d guarded herself from other men and hadn’t even dated after the death of her husband. It had been such a long time since she’d been in the arms of a handsome man.

“I want you, Angie,” he whispered against her lips. “My body is hard for you and I can’t control my wanting any longer.”

His hand caressed her breast right through her tank top and she knew he meant to take her right there, with his kids just outside the door which wasn’t even locked.

She pushed him away, and slipped out from under him, getting off the bed. Her breathing was labored from the kiss and the excitement of his hand on her breast. She tried to regain her composure as she pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“It’s our wedding night,” he reminded her.

“Your kids are just outside the door and it isn’t even locked. What if they walked in?”

“They won’t,” he reassured her, settling himself upon the bed. “Plus they all know about sex, even the little ones. I believe it’s only natural. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Now come back here.”

“You don’t even like me,” she reminded him. “You want me out of lust, not love.”

“It’s not easy for me to feel anything besides lust for a woman who spied on me and intended to put my children into foster homes. How can you expect me to feel any different?”

“I never meant to do that.”

“Really.” His eyebrow raised and his tone was mocking. He stood up directly in front of her. “You look me straight in the eye and tell me you never had the thought cross your mind that I wasn’t a fit father.”

She did look him in the eye. And in those eyes she saw a mixture of anger, disappointment and unbridled lust. She couldn’t lie to him. If she did, he would never trust her again. Without trust, this whole farce of a marriage would never work.

“All right,” she said. “I did have those thoughts, but I don’t anymore. Now you look me in the eye and tell me you weren’t going to take me on the bed just to punish me for what I’ve done.”

The hurt in his eyes was evident and as soon as the words left her mouth, she wished she could take them back.

“I’ve never considered making love a punishment. If you don’t want me to touch you, then just say so. But I warn you, if you mean to walk around here in short, tight clothes with your hardened nipples visible through your top, I’m not going to be responsible for my actions. I’m a man, Angie, not some kind of saint. I admit your body tempts me, I’m not going to lie. I want to throw you down on that bed and bury myself to the hilt inside you until you scream out in passion right now. I’ve never wanted a woman more than I do at this very moment. But damned if I’ll live with a tease who won’t give freely of what she offers. I’ve gone that route before with Fawn and I won’t put up with it again.”

He stormed from the room, ignoring his boys as they so anxiously tried to show him the toys Angel had bought them. He left the house and headed for the pole barn to get as far away from Angel as he could. Once inside, he lit a lantern and headed over for the bottle hidden in the hay. He yanked it out and uncorked it, bringing it to his mouth.

One swig and the contents ran down his throat in a fire that soothed his soul. One more swig and over the top of the bottle he saw Eli standing barefoot at the entrance, watching him.

Thomas’s hand stilled and he lowered the bottle. He swallowed, but this time it felt like the fires of hell rushing through him. Memories of a night six months ago slammed through him. Memories of his argument with Fawn  -  Eli’s mother. The wife he’d never loved.

Little Eli followed him out to the pole barn that awful night, watching him with those wide eyes as he downed whiskey, just like now.

“Eli?” came a soft angelic voice on the breeze. Angel appeared next to him, stopping when she saw Thomas with the bottle in his hand. “Eli, go back to the house,” she told him. “Sam will help you get ready for bed.”

The little boy did as told, and Angel took a step toward him.

“Don’t.” His voice was stern, his hand shaking on the bottle.

“Thomas, we need to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” He raised the bottle to his lips, but couldn’t drink. He couldn’t display the fact he was an unfit father while she stood there and watched. Her eyes stared into him, her disappointment obvious. He couldn’t even imagine what went through her mind right now.

“It’s not what you think, Angie.”

“Then why don’t you tell me what it is.”

“I haven’t had a drink since the night Fawn was murdered. You’ve got to believe me.”

“You were drunk that night, weren’t you?”

He bit his lip, looking at the golden liquid in the bottle. “Yeah. Real drunk.”

“Did you shoot her, Thomas? Did you do it and maybe just don’t remember because you were too drunk to even care?”

He threw the bottle in rage, and she jumped in surprise as it broke against the wall.

“Dammit, Angie, I
don’t
know. But I was the only one with a key to the drawer where I kept the gun. And now the gun is gone. Why couldn’t they just find the damned murder weapon? Then one way or another I’d be rid of these demons in my head and the damn torture of not knowing, eating me up day and night?”

“Thomas. You couldn’t have done it. You’re not that kind of man.” She reached out for him, but he held up his hand and backed away.

“Don’t touch me! You don’t know what kind of a man I really am. Don’t you know I’m hardened and cruel? Don’t you know I’m a horrible father to my children and maybe a murderer?”

“Don’t say that,” she said, lowering her hand.

“It’s true. You said yourself my own kids are afraid of me. God knows I want to be a good father. I want to reach out to them and gain their love and trust, but I don’t know how. I’ve tried for years to figure it out, and then you walk in here and in a matter of days have won the love of my children.”

“That’s not true,” she said. “Jake still hates me.”

“Angie, you don’t know how hard this is for me to see them so accepting of you, and knowing I’m so close to losing them.”

“You’re not going to lose them,” she said, reaching out slowly and touching him on the arm. “That’s why I married you. So I could help you keep them.”

She reached out and wrapped her arms around him then, but he couldn’t bring himself to return the hug.

“I married for the wrong reason last time I married Fawn. I realized it the day I found her sitting topless doing a lap dance on a trucker over at Burley’s strip joint.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t, but the whole town did. I stayed married to her and played father to her son, still not knowing if Eli is mine or someone else’s. I slept alone at night while she worked the strip joint sleeping with men in the rooms upstairs. I made excuses for her when the boys asked why she hardly ever came by the cabin. I made excuses to myself, telling myself she could change. All the while I hated her, but I hated myself more for not having the guts to divorce her.”

“Why didn’t you?” she asked.

“Because of Eli. She would have taken him with her and raised him in that filthy place, not ashamed of what she was doing.”

“You could have won custody, considering the circumstances.”

“Yeah, but I would have had to find out first if he was really mine. It scared me too much to think the tests would have shown differently. I was only trying to protect him.”

“Protect him, or protect yourself? Is that why you can’t seem to reach out to Eli?”

She’d hit too close to home and Thomas didn’t want to talk about this any longer.

“Go!” he said, pulling away and sinking down in his desk chair, burying his face in his hands. When was this all going to end? How much more could he take? He hated himself for what he’d become. He didn’t deserve someone like Angel in his life. “I need to be alone.”

He needed to think things through. What would happen if the murder weapon showed up and it
was
his? What if he
had
killed Fawn? What if he hadn’t? One way or another, at least it would all be over.

Chapter 14

Angel woke the next morning to sun streaming in the open curtains. When she’d realized last night that Thomas meant to sleep in the barn, she’d reluctantly slept on the one and only bed just as the boys had urged her to. The twins slept on the floor at her feet, and little Eli made his bed in the closet. Sam slept in the easy chair across the room, and Dan slept on the couch. And Zeke slept curled up next to the basket of kittens.

She didn’t like the feeling of laying on the bed while the kids didn’t have proper beds of their own. She’d have to talk to Thomas about this.

She rolled over and rubbed her eyes, meeting Eli standing there just staring at her.

“Well, good morning,” she said. A quick glance around the room told her the others were already up. The mantle clock atop the fireplace chimed nine times and she knew she’d overslept. She’d told Gabby she’d be at the Ainsleys after breakfast, but by the way she moved so slowly she’d be lucky to make it there by lunch time.

She pulled back the covers, having worn her shorts and tank top to bed, and headed for the bathroom. She passed through the kitchen on the way, noticing it was vacant. The bathroom was small, consisting of a toilet, a rust laden sink, and a shower - but no tub. She did her morning routine, brushed her teeth, and combed her hair, trying to see herself in the cracked mirror.

She found herself wondering what it would have been like to make love to Thomas last night. Her body had wanted to find out, but her mind told her differently. She didn’t want to lay with a man who had no feelings for her but lust. She’d have to wear less revealing clothes so she wouldn’t tempt him again.

She left the bathroom, noticing the front door was open. When she went to close it, she saw Eli running barefoot over the dew-ladened ground to meet up with his brothers. They all seemed to be doing their chores, and she wondered if they’d had breakfast.

She went to the bedroom and closed the door, digging through her belongings, trying to find a bra. She didn’t usually wear one in summer, but she would from this day on. She stripped off her top, ready to make herself presentable to Thomas.

Thomas stormed through the house, not able to believe it was past nine o’clock and Angel was still sleeping. Didn’t she realize the Taylors got up at six, and had three hours of chores before breakfast? She said she wanted to fit in around here, well this wasn’t the way to do it.

He threw open the door to the bedroom, ready to haul her out of bed himself if he had to. “Angie, I…”

She was standing at the foot of the bed and turned sharply when he entered. Her breasts were bare and a bra dangled from her fingertips. She still wore the white shorts from yesterday.

“Thomas!” Her fingers released the bra and it fell to the floor. She stood with her mouth opened in surprise for a second or two, but to him it seemed like eternity. His body reacted immediately, and he didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry.” He turned quickly and left the room, shutting the door and making his way to the sink for a glass of water. He filled it, making sure it was ice cold, swallowing it down, hoping it would cool the fires of lust raging within him.

The door to the room burst open, and Angel ran out, wearing a baggy long-sleeved cotton top dotted with small pink flowers. He could see her bra straps showing through the material and was glad. But she still wore those tiny tight little shorts and her long naked legs were driving him crazy.

“Thomas, I’m sorry,” she said. “I guess I should have changed in the bathroom.”

“No. I’m sorry,” he said, gingerly placing down the empty glass on the counter.

“What was it you wanted to say?” she asked. Her mouth seemed so lush and full, and all he could think of was kissing her.

“I . . . I . . . ” Suddenly, sleeping late didn’t seem all that important. He’d meant to chastise her for her actions, but now all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and bring her back to bed. “I wanted to say thank you for giving the boys gifts,” he said instead. “They showed them to me. I told them they’d have time to play with them after lunch.”

“Really?” She seemed so surprised, and this disturbed him. Did she think him such an ogre that he wouldn’t give them time to enjoy their new gifts? Especially after she’d pointed out the fact he never let them play?

“The boys are just about finished up with chores and will be in for breakfast soon,” he told her.

“Oh, well, then I better hurry up and make something to eat.” Her hand was on the fridge when he stopped her.

“The boys all take turns. Today is Jake’s turn to cook.”

“I don’t think that’s right,” she protested. “I’m here now and there’s no need for them to do it.”

“You don’t understand, Angie. It’s not a punishment but rather a reward. The boys like cooking. This is the time they can use their creativity.”

“Oh.” Her hand slid off the handle of the fridge door. “Well, when is my turn?”

“I don’t expect you cook. You’re my wife now.”

“Well, what are your wives expected to do if they’re not to cook?”

He shrugged and continued to roll up the sleeves of his shirt, and washed up in the kitchen sink.

“How about laundry?” she suggested.

“We don’t have a washer or dryer. Dan takes the clothes to the laundrymat once a week. That’s his job.”

“Well, then how about cleaning?” she said with hope in her voice.

“The boys are trained to cleanup after themselves, though they’ve been slacking off lately. Sam is in charge of the house.”

“Well, certainly I can do the grocery shopping.”

“We only go once a month, and it’s already been done this month.”

“Once a month?” she asked in surprise, settling into a chair at the table. “How can you survive?”

“Zeke gathers the eggs, and Josh and Jake tend to the garden up on the hill. I do whatever hunting needs to be done, though it’s not hunting season yet. We live on fruits and vegetables most the summer.

“I see. You’re very efficient.”

“Yes, we are.” He dried his hands in the towel and hung it over the back of the chair, wondering if she meant that comment as a compliment or sarcastically.

“Well, certainly I can take the kids shopping for clothes.”

He glared at her. “The clothes we have meet our needs. They won’t be getting anything new until school starts.”

“Mending?” she asked weakly.

“My boys all know how to sew their own clothes. Except for Eli. I do his mending.”

“And what exactly is Eli’s job?” she asked. “It seems to me you’ve mentioned everyone’s chores except for his.”

Thomas yanked open the fridge and pulled out the pitcher of orange juice. “Eli doesn’t have any chores.” He retrieved his glass from the counter and filled it up.

“Why not? Do you think he’s too young?”

“No age is too young to start chores. My parents expected my eleven brothers and me to help around the house as soon as we were able to walk.”

“Then why not Eli?”

The door burst open and the boys ran in, not allowing Angel to get the answer she needed from Thomas. He expected chores and responsibilities from the rest of his sons, so it was odd he hadn’t expected anything of Eli. Was it because he didn’t love the little one as much as he did the rest? Or was it because he didn’t feel he was truly his son?

No, she decided. He held a bit of love for Eli somewhere deep in his heart, regardless. If not, he wouldn’t pamper the child. If not, he wouldn’t mend the boy’s clothes.

“Boy am I hungry,” said Zeke, carrying a basket of eggs into the house, and laying it on the counter.

“Me too,” said Josh, following suit and putting a basket of fresh vegetables next to the eggs. Jake laid an armful of sweet cherries on the table and tried to catch them as they rolled away. Angel laughed, catching one and handing it to him. He hesitated in taking it.

“So how did you like that bow and arrow set I got you?” she asked Jake. “I thought it would go well with your coonskin cap. I’m not sure if Davey Crocket used one or not, but it looked like fun.”

“Thanks,” he said, taking the cherry from her. “I haven’t used it yet.”

“Your dad says you’ll have time this afternoon. Maybe I can try it too?”

She waited, hoping against odds the child would forgive her and let her play with him. But of the little she knew of Jake, she could see she needed to make it sound like more of a challenge.

“Do you think you can get more bull’s eyes than me?” she asked.

Jake’s smile started slowly, but she could see the glimmer of amusement in his eyes. “You’re a girl! I’m sure I can beat you.”

“Then challenge me to a match. If I lose, I’ll do any one of your chores for a whole week.”

“Any?” he asked, tossing the cherry up and down.

“Any.”

“All right, you’re on.” He turned excitedly, pulling pans and dishes out of the cabinet preparing to make breakfast.

Angel smiled, thinking how happy she was to have broken through the barrier with Jake. But then Thomas leaned over and whispered into her ear.

“He hates to clean the stables. I hope you brought some old clothes.”

Zeke and Josh overheard him and laughed, as the rest of the boys filed into the house.

“What’s so funny?” asked Dan, heading over to the sink to wash up.

“Angel’s going to scoop horse poop for a week,” giggled Jake. Zeke and Josh joined in laughing.

“Only if I lose,” she pointed out, and that got a grin out of all the boys, even little Eli.

“Jake is good at all sports,” Sam warned her.

“We’ll see,” she said. “Sam, I thought you seemed like a creative kind of boy, that’s why I got you the paint set.”

“I am,” he said, eyes lighting up.

“Maybe he can paint your picture while you clean out the stables,” said Thomas, taking her totally by surprise the way he jumped right in and joked with them. She didn’t think he had a sense of humor, but he’d just proved her wrong.

“You know,” Angel told him, getting up and walking over to the couch. “I never had the time to give you your present last night, Tom.”

His face froze, and she could have sworn his eyes became glassy.

“Thomas,” he corrected her. “I like to be called Thomas.”

“Ah,” she said, digging into the bag to retrieve the last present. “I understand. And I like to be called Angel.”

She’d made her point clear, and she was sure he didn’t appreciate her little game. But as soon as he started respecting her wishes, she would do the same for him.

“Come on, Pa,” said Dan, “open your present.”

“Yeah,” said Zeke, running over and jumping up trying to get it.”

“No, no,” Angel said, pulling the package away from him. “This one is for your father, and he’s got to open it.”

The twins hauled Thomas over to the couch. Dan put Eli on his shoulders to see over the crowd. Thomas plopped down defeated, and Angel sat next to him placing the present on his lap.

“I don’t know, Angie. I don’t think-”

“Hush, and just open it,” she told him.

“I don’t accept presents.”

“Then don’t consider it a present. Consider it a token of our being married.”

Thomas looked at the present on his lap and the way his boys smiled and urged him to open it. He hadn’t seen his sons smile like this in a long time. Not since Brianne was alive. The house had always been filled with laughter then, and it felt damned good to hear it ringing off the walls. Angel had touched their hearts, and now she was reaching out trying to do the same to him.

He wanted to leave it there and go out to the pole barn to get away from all this nonsense. He wanted to tell her to never put him in such a position again, and not to think she could win his heart like she had the boys by just a mere present. But he had to open it now. If he didn’t, he would be disappointing not only Angel but his boys too.

He reached out with one shaky hand and pulled at the ribbon which loosened and fell from the package. What if he didn’t like it? Would he have to pretend he did in order not to hurt her feelings? He wasn’t one for pretending. She’d be able to see how well he liked it just by the expression on his face. No matter what he did or what he said, Angel was the kind of woman who would see right through him.

“Open it, Pa,” urged Jake, and Thomas realized he had no choice.

He slowly pulled at the tape, knowing if he was careful they’d be able to use the paper again for something. It must have been expensive paper as it glittered with gold and bright blue stripes, prettier than anything he had ever seen in his life.

“You are teasing the boys,” said Angel, reaching out for the package. “Let me help you.” In one motion she tore the paper from the package and crumpled it in her hand. No chance of using it for anything now but kindling for the fire.

“Open the box, quickly,” she said. “Or do you need help with that, too?”

“I’m totally capable. If I let you help, we’ll be lucky not to find it shredded.” He slid open the top of the box, holding his breath. Tissue paper covered whatever was inside and inwardly he groaned. If she’d gotten him a new shirt or a pair of jeans he wasn’t going to be able to fake excitement. He liked his old comfortable clothes and a woman was most likely to get him a pink polo shirt or something that he had no need for or desire of wearing.