Dr. Carbles Is Losing His Marbles! (4 page)

Well, that whole protest thing was a dumb idea. Luckily none of us got killed. We'd have to think up another way to get rid of Dr. Carbles.

“Remember how we got rid of Ms. Todd?” Ryan said the next morning while we were putting our backpacks away.

Ms. Todd was a substitute teacher at our school. She tried to murder Miss Daisy and take her job, but we caught her. Ms. Todd was odd.

“Yeah, we drove her crazy,” I said.

“Then we have to drive
Dr. Carbles
crazy,” said Michael.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's driving grown-ups crazy. There are lots of ways to do that. One way is to say everything they say right after they say it. That's a good one. Sometimes I ask my parents “Why?” over and over again. It drives them nuts.

But it was Neil the nude kid who had the greatest idea in the history of the
world. “We should steal Dr. Carbles's toupee!” Neil said.

Yeah! Mr. Klutz told us that if anybody ever found out Dr. Carbles was bald, it would drive him crazy! Neil's idea was genius! He should be in the gifted and talented program.

The only problem was, how were we going to steal Dr. Carbles's toupee?

“We could sneak into his house in the middle of the night and rip it off his head,” suggested Michael.

“Nah,” Ryan said. “He probably has an electric fence and a moat around his house.”

“We could rent a giant wind machine and blow it off his head,” suggested Michael. “You can rent anything.”

“Nah,” Ryan said. “It costs a lot of money to rent a giant wind machine.”

That's when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

“Hey!” I said. “Every day after lunch, Dr. Carbles stands outside and watches us march around the playground, right?”

“Yeah,” Michael said. “So what?”

“Well, he has a fishing pole in his office,” I told the guys. “We could hang the fishing pole out the second-floor window and go fishing for toupee!”

“You're a genius!” Neil the nude kid
told me.

I should get the No Bell Prize. That's a prize they give out to people who don't have bells.

During lunch me and Neil snuck out of the vomitorium. We slinked around the halls like secret agents. Nobody was around. All the teachers must have been eating in the teachers' lounge.

I opened the door to Dr. Carbles's office. It was empty. Perfect! I grabbed the fishing pole, and we tore out of there.

We ran up the steps to the second floor. I handed Neil the pole and opened a window. We peeked out. Dr. Carbles was right below us, standing there with his
bullhorn. The kids were just starting to march out of the vomitorium.

“Left! Right!” Dr. Carbles yelled at the kids. “March, you weasels!”

“This is gonna be great!” Neil giggled as he stuck the fishing pole out the window. “He'll go crazy once we steal his toupee.”

“Okay,” I told Neil, “drop the hook now.”

Neil lowered the line until the hook was hanging right above Dr. Carbles's head.

“A little to the left,” I told Neil. “Lower!”

Neil was having a hard time hooking the toupee.

“My arms are getting tired,” Neil said.

I grabbed the pole. Neil helped me
guide the hook. It was not easy! The hook kept blowing around.

“Any nibbles yet?” Neil asked.

“Nope.” But right after I said that, I felt a little pull on the line. “Hey, I think I got it!”

I started reeling in the toupee, but there was just one problem. It
wouldn't come off Dr. Carbles's head! So I pulled harder.

“It's a big one!” I told Neil. “It's a fighter!”

I kept tugging on the fishing pole, but the toupee just wouldn't budge.

“It must be glued on good!” Neil said.

“Maybe they took hair off other parts of his body and planted it on his head,” I said. “I saw that on a TV commercial once.”

“That's disgusting!” said Neil.

Suddenly Dr. Carbles grabbed his toupee and looked up at us.

“What's the meaning of this!” he shouted.

Uh-oh. I dropped the pole. It fell out the window and almost hit Dr. Carbles on the head.

“A.J., report to my office immediately!” he hollered.

“Ooooooooooooooh!” went all the kids on the playground.

That's it. My life was over. I would have to move to Antarctica and live with the penguins.

When I got to Dr. Carbles's office, he told me to sit in the chair next to his desk. Then he just stared at me. He looked really mad.

“Are you going to be Frank?” I asked.

He didn't say anything. He pulled down the shades to make the room dark.
Then he turned on his desk lamp and pointed the light on me.

“Who told you I wear a toupee, A.J.?” asked Dr. Carbles. “Huh? Who told you?”

I was pretty sure I had the right to remain silent. I saw that on a TV show once.
Besides, I was too scared to say anything.

“The teachers are plotting against me, aren't they?” Dr. Carbles said. “I don't trust them. I see the way they look at me. They hate me. Everybody hates me.”

I kept my mouth shut. If you don't say anything, you can't say anything dumb.

“Did Mr. Docker tell you about my toupee?” asked Dr. Carbles. “Or was it Miss Lazar? You can tell me, A.J.”

His face was right next to mine. His breath smelled like rotten eggs. I was shaking. I thought I was gonna die.

“Cat got your tongue, eh?” Dr. Carbles asked. “Well, I have ways to make you talk.”

Oh no! He was going to torture me!

“Here, I want you to read this,” said Dr. Carbles.

“What is it?” I asked.

“A book.”

“A
book
?!” I exclaimed. “With words?”

“That's right,” Dr. Carbles said. “Read it.”

“Reading is boring,” I told him.

“READ IT!” he shouted. “Every word! Cover to cover! Let's go. I don't have all day.”

Sweat was rolling down my face.

“No! No!” I cried. “Not reading! Anything but that! Okay, I'll talk! I'll talk!”

“Smart boy,” Dr. Carbles said, taking the book away. “I knew you'd see it my way.”

“It was Mr. Klutz,” I admitted. “I went
over to his house. He told me about your toupee. He told me about the skateboarding team. He told me he called you Walrus Face. He told me
everything
.”

“Klutz, eh?” sneered Dr. Carbles. “Klutz told you that? Oh, I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him good.
Nobody
calls me Walrus Face and gets away with it!”

“Please don't tell Mr. Klutz I told you. I promised him I wouldn't tell. Please, Frank?”

“Get out of here!” Dr. Carbles hollered. “And stop calling me Frank or I'll get the summer reading list!”

I ran out of his office as fast as I could.

When I got to school the next morning, I could hear the sound of hammering. It was coming from the gym. That was weird. I went over to the gym and opened the door. You'll never believe in a million hundred years what I saw.

Five guys in overalls were building a half-pipe! Right there in the gym!

Wow! We were going to go skateboarding in fizz ed!

The fizz ed teacher, Miss Small, is off the wall. She usually has us juggle scarves and balance feathers on our fingers. But we were finally going to do something cool! We were going to skateboard! It was the greatest day of my life.

Me and the guys were so excited, we could hardly stand it.

“When do we go to fizz ed?” we kept asking Miss Daisy.

“I don't know,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn't know anything.

Finally, at the end of the day, Mrs. Patty made an announcement over the loudspeaker. She said that everybody had to
report to the gym.

“Hooray!” all the boys yelled. Miss Daisy had to keep telling us to stop running the whole way there.

When we got there, the half-pipe was finished, and Dr. Carbles was standing in front of it. He was holding a skateboard.

“Where's Miss Small?” I asked. “Are we going to skateboard in fizz ed?”

“No!” shouted Dr. Carbles. “This half-pipe isn't for you. It's for
me
.”

“Boooooo!” yelled all the boys.

We were really mad as we sat down on the bleachers. But we didn't stay mad for long, because you'll never believe who walked into the door at the other end of the gym.

Nobody. If you walked into a door, it would hurt. But guess who walked into the door
way
?

It was Mr. Klutz! And he was holding a skateboard. Everybody cheered.

“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” we all shouted.

Dr. Carbles and Mr. Klutz stood facing each other at opposite sides of the gym. They looked like two gunslingers on one of those old Western TV shows, except they had skateboards instead of guns. Everybody got quiet. You could hear a pin drop.

“So, we meet again, Klutz,” said Dr. Carbles. “I thought you'd be too chicken to show up.”

“I will outskate you
any
time,” Mr. Klutz said. “You're going down, Walrus Face!”

“Oh, snap!” Ryan whispered. “Mr. Klutz is gonna blow the doors off Dr. Carbles!” I told the guys.

Mr. Klutz and Dr. Carbles climbed up to the top of the half-pipe. Dr. Carbles picked up his bullhorn.

“Finally, all the world will know who the best skateboarder is!” he hollered. “Ha-ha-ha! Revenge will be sweet!”

We all started chanting: “TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT—WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? KLUTZ! KLUTZ! KLUTZ!”

Dr. Carbles and Mr. Klutz dropped into the half-pipe at the same time. Dr. Carbles did a vert bomb drop. Mr. Klutz did a combination inward heelflip/outside boardslide. Dr. Carbles did a polejam. Mr. Klutz did a boomerang.

It was awesome! Everybody in the gym was yelling and screaming their heads off. Even the teachers!

Then, just as Dr. Carbles was doing a
monkeyflip jawbreaker, Mr. Klutz did a stalefish McTwist. They crashed into each other in midair! Dr. Carbles's toupee went
flying off his head! The two of them landed together in a tangle of arms and legs. It was a real Kodak moment. And we got to see it live and in person.

“Oh, my leg!” moaned Dr. Carbles.

“Ouch! My head!” moaned Mr. Klutz.

The two of them were lying at the bottom of the half-pipe, freaking out. Mrs. Cooney, the beautiful school nurse, came running over with a first-aid kit. And you'll never believe in a million hundred years who walked in the gym at that exact moment.

I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you.

It was Mrs. Haney, the superintendent
of all the schools in the county!

“Carbles!” she shouted. “What's the meaning of this?”

Dr. Carbles looked at Mr. Klutz. Mr. Klutz looked at Mrs. Haney. Mrs. Haney looked at Dr. Carbles. Everybody was looking at each other.

“It's a half-pipe, ma'am,” Dr. Carbles said. “I challenged Klutz to a little competition.”

“You were hired to bring order and discipline to this school!” Mrs. Haney yelled. “I didn't bring you here so you could build a half-poop and ride a skateboard!”

“B-b-but…,” said Dr. Carbles.

“Carbles!” shouted Mrs. Haney. “You're FIRED!”

Dr. Carbles limped out of the gym, sobbing. What a crybaby!