Dragonfly (18 page)

I almost burst into tears. “Julian!”

“Heeey, gorgeous,” his voice was weak. “I was wondering what I had to do to get you to spend the night with me.”

“Oh, Julian!” I pulled up his hand and kissed it. Then I held it to my cheek. “I’m so glad you’re awake. I was so afraid…”

“Shh, I’m fine. You think I’d leave here without my angel?”

“Let me get your mom. She’ll be so happy you’re awake.”

“Hey, wait a sec.” His hand tightened around mine.

“What? What is it? Does something hurt?”

“I just wanted to thank you for staying. I didn’t act right, and I’m sorry. You know I love you, Anna.”

I blinked away from his eyes, unable to answer that. I wasn’t ready to hear it from him, and I wasn’t even sure if he meant it or if it was just the drugs in his system. I decided to treat it as our usual banter.

“Funny way of showing it,” I said, pushing his hand gently. “But you didn’t do anything. I’m the one sorry. I was being a jerk. It’s none of my business what you do with Renee.”

“That’s not what I meant—”

“Let me get your mom,” I cut him off as I backed out of the room. “It’s not right to leave her waiting. She’s been crying and praying all night.”

He leaned back and pressed his lips into a smile, letting me go for now.

Chapter 17

Brad was released from the hospital several days before Julian with a clean bill of health. The student body was relieved. Vigils had been held all week and prayers offered for the football star’s recovery. Miraculously, he hadn’t suffered any serious injuries, and the doctors had ruled out a concussion by Day 2. He could even resume football with the next game.

Julian, on the other hand, hadn’t fared as well. In addition to the head injury, he had a fractured wrist and three cracked ribs, which delayed his return to school. I visited him at home after the first week and found him in his garage workshop throwing pieces of metal and cursing. A piece of scrap sailed past me as I entered, and I saw him wince and sit down gasping.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I cried, running to him. “Are you okay?”

“Sorry. The ribs. Feels like knives,” he breathed. “And I’m just, I can’t do anything.”

He slammed another tool on the ground and grimaced. “I can’t believe how stupid this is.”

“Well, I don’t think the doctors would approve of you throwing heavy metal objects around,” I smiled smoothing his hair. Then I stopped myself. I shoved my hand in my pocket. “Besides you almost hit me in the head, and I’m trying to be the one person I know not hospitalized.”

He smiled and looked up at me. “I was thinking I’d focus on smaller things for now,” he said. “This might be the time to make that extra piece of jewelry. You want a ring or something?”

“I thought you needed everything for your portfolio?”

He reached for me. “You can loan it to me when I go for my interview, and I’ll bring it back to you. I promise.”

“Why don’t you make me some earrings or a bracelet or something?”

“I’m making you a ring, now give me your hand.”

I smiled and held it out. He pulled me closer, and while he was examining my fingers and comparing them to different sized objects, I looked around the room at his equipment. I hadn’t actually noticed it before, but some items looked very expensive. Like the red and black control box for his welding. It had Lincoln stamped on it.

“So do you borrow this equipment from school or what?”

“Huh?” He had stopped measuring and was now simply holding my hand in both of his. “No way. You kidding? They don’t let me take anything from school. Too expensive.”

“So where did you get all this? I can’t believe you bought it all yourself.”

“You calling me a thief?” He grinned.

“Well, you did make off with Boze’s tattoo gun.” I slipped my hand away and walked over to one of the machines.

“Christmas presents, birthdays. I don’t know. Mom has a stash somewhere or she’s really good at saving. I just say thank you and try to take care of it.” He stood and walked over to his table. “Now tell me what you like. Shells? Butterflies?”

“I like everything you make,” I said. “Surprise me.”

“Good,” he smiled. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“So, other than the ribs, how are you feeling?”

“Frustrated. I could’ve really messed things up that night. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, you’ve already been hospitalized, and we were all out there blowing off steam. Just… you know, learn from it and move on.” I was quiet a moment, thinking back to the accident, what I’d seen. “So did Brad hit something?”

“I think he overcorrected. It happened so fast. I don’t really remember.”

I remembered. I couldn’t forget the terrible sound of metal scraping asphalt and the horrible loud banging of the car going end over end. It made me shudder and feel ill every time I thought about it.

“You don’t remember anything?” I said.

“No, and I’m glad because Brad’s had trouble sleeping ever since. Post-traumatic stress or something. He called to say he was sorry, but c’mon. It would’ve been me driving if it wasn’t him. I’m not holding a grudge.”

I ran my finger down the side of a metal fender. “Rachel said he felt really bad about the whole thing. How he got off without a scratch, and you were pretty beat up.”

“Nothing I won’t recover from,” Julian frowned. “And that’s what’s pissing me off. I could’ve died.”

“Stop it,” I said shaking my head. “I was there, and I don’t want to think about that ever again. You scared me to death.”

He moved toward me this time and wrapped his good arm around my shoulders, pulling me into an awkward hug, protecting his injured ribs.

“Hey, I’m fine, no worries.” He said softly. Then he caught my eyes with his. “So why’d you stay? I mean, Mom was there, and you knew I was going to be okay. You didn’t have to spend the night at the hospital.”

I stepped carefully out of his embrace. “I think you are brain damaged. We did not know you were okay, and your poor mom was a wreck. Somebody had to stay with her.”

Now that I thought about it, somebody had tried to stay with her and maybe would have if I’d gone home. But my answer wasn’t entirely true. I’d stayed because I couldn’t leave him. Nothing could have pulled me from his bedside until his eyes opened and I heard his voice, saw that smile again.

“Blaming my mom. You know I came around way before morning.” He slid a curl around his finger. “You’re very pretty when you sleep.”

I turned away and picked up a welder’s lens that was sitting on the table. Again, I didn’t know how to respond. One little part of me was flying, but the rest of me was still conflicted.

“I was thinking about your mom,” I said instead. “Does she ever date anybody?”

“Nah. She said she doesn’t have time to train another man.”

I laughed, but I wondered if Julian knew about his mom and Mr. Kyser’s mysterious connection.

“So like when you go to college, she’ll be here by herself?”

“What are you, her new accomplice? She doesn’t need your help reminding me of that.”

“Be serious. What’s the deal? Your mom’s so pretty.”

“I don’t know, Anna. She doesn’t date, and as far as I know, she never has. After my dad, I mean.”

“Yeah, and so what about that? Do you know your dad? Does he live around here? Maybe she’s still in love with him.”

He shook his head. “She won’t talk about it, and I’ve always felt bad trying to make her. It’s not a good memory for her. And anyway, I don’t care who he is. What difference would it make? He obviously doesn’t give a shit about me.”

I hadn’t expected his tone to become sharp, and now I felt bad for prying into his personal business. He was recovering from a serious accident, and I was adding to his stress.

“I’m sorry. It’s totally none of my business. I didn’t mean to make you mad or bring up a bad subject.”

“It’s okay,” he shrugged. “I don’t really waste a lot of time worrying about the guy, I guess.”

My eyes traveled around the room, and I saw the soldering iron on the table. A few silver nuggets were near it and some sketches. I walked over and looked at them.

“Is this for the ring you keep telling me about?”

He joined me at the table. “Yours? You bet.”

“Show me what you’ve done.”

“I’m just planning, but look at this.” He picked up the pencil and made a few quick lines and shadings on one of the sketches. On the sheet were three possibilities, and I loved them all.

“Is it a dragonfly?” I asked.

“What better for my angel? And isn’t there some lore about dragonflies being angels or something?”

“Oh, Julian. You’re always saying that, and it’s not true.”

He glanced at me, my face close to his shoulder, and dropped the pencil, catching my chin. “Come here,” he whispered. Then he pulled my face to his and kissed me firmly on the mouth.

My hands went to his shoulders, frozen between pushing him back and pulling him closer. I inhaled his beachy scent, tasted the salt on his tongue. I’d wanted this for two days, since the wreck, since the idea of losing him first flashed its horrible image across my brain. I’d wanted it since before then, so many times, but I’d always thrown up reasons to distance us. Now I only wanted him closer, I wanted to hold onto him…

But I couldn’t. Not yet. Shaking my head, I broke the moment.

“No?” His voice was soft. Pushing him away tore at my insides. He touched my cheek, and our eyes met. “You’re still saying no?”

I was nearly overwhelmed by my desire to kiss him again, but I had to face the truth. Jack still lurked in the background of my heart. Some nights I still dreamed of being in Jack’s arms, of his lips against mine and running my fingers through his hair. When I awoke, as much as I hated it, as much as it hurt, I wished I could go back to sleep and dream it all again. I couldn’t pull Julian into that. He deserved better.

I looked down, and he smiled. “Okay. I was just checking. Again.”

I wanted to say the words that were bubbling behind my lips, to tell him how I felt, as horrible and mixed up as it was, but I bit them back. Shut that little voice.

“I’d better go. I just stopped by to see if you were feeling better. I didn’t mean to stay.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, limping back to his art table. “See you at school.”

I nodded and walked away, hoping it wasn’t obvious that I was fighting the urge to run. He’d never understand why. I wasn’t sure I did.

* * *

Mom was watching a documentary on public television when I arrived home that night, so I grabbed a sandwich and ran upstairs, pulling out my phone.

My best friend called a muffled hello. “What are you eating?” I asked.

“Bugles,” Gabi crunched, and I knew she had a pointy chip stuck on all five of her fingertips—her favorite way to eat them. “You only call me when there’s a problem. So go.”

I let out a small laugh and rested my forehead on my palm, unexpected tears filling my eyes. “Julian and Brad were in a wreck and—”

“Stop now!” Gabi cried. “Tell me my Julian is okay!”

“You’re doing it again,” I sighed. “He was never
your
Julian—”

“Shut up and tell me he’s okay. His face is undamaged, and… all the rest of him.”

“He’s fine, but that’s the problem.” I felt nervous saying it out loud. “I kissed him.”

“Who?”

“Julian.”

“What!” Gabi cried again. “I hate you, and I hope you get trapped under something heavy.” She crunched loudly in my ear.

“Gabi! Stop! I wasn’t trying to kiss him. I was trying to see if he was okay. Like always. But then he kissed me. And I was right there kissing him back.”

“Yeah, you were! Julian’s smokin’ hot, and now you’re friends with benefits.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Yet.”
Crunch
. “I’m having a hard time seeing the problem here.”

“Jack and I went to the game together Friday.”

“Jack?” Her voice was a shriek. “I thought he was history!”

“So did I.” I fell back on the bed groaning loudly. “I don’t know what he wants. He hurts me, and we aren’t even together. He pushes me away, and when he pulls me back, I run to him.”

“Do you really like him?”

“I don’t know.” My emotions were in shambles, and even saying it seemed wrong. “I still dream about Jack, but inside me wants to be with Julian. How do I even cope with that? It’s insane.”

“What else do you have going on? How’s life in the news business?”

“I love it, and Nancy has me working on this huge project that’s going to look amazing on my résumé.”

“So focus on that.”

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. “They keep sneaking up on me. These moments, stealing my breath. And I think I should follow my instincts, but I keep messing up. I keep making the wrong choice.”

“You’re definitely having an interesting year.”