DRAWN (34 page)

          “And I told you not to call me---” I stop, choking back an unexpected sob that tries coming out of my throat. “I’m such an idiot. I thought I was the only one you…I thought that word was
mine,
you know?”

          “It is! It always is!” It’s the first time I hear Yuki sounding so...his age. Our age.

“I didn’t mean anything I said that day.” His voice lowers to a shamed whisper. “I just wanted to see if I had the power to hurt you.”

“Y-you…you could have just
asked
!” I snarl even as I blink back tears.

“When your dad asked me if I loved you---”

“I don’t want to hear anymore!”

He ignores that. “I got scared.”

I start to sing, “Old McDonald had a farm…”

But it doesn’t really drown Yuki’s voice. “It was like my parents all over again.”

          “The cradle will rock…”

          “I didn’t want to be like my dad,
senpai
.”

          My voice rose at the last word. “Jack fell down…”

          “And when you called me out on it, I just...lost it.”

          “Jack jumped over the candlestick…”

          “I wanted to prove you wrong, no matter what it took.”

          Out of tune and too loud to be true are perfect ways to describe my voice now. “And all the king’s men couldn’t put humpty Dumpty together again!”

          “So I tried to hurt you by pretending I was going to have sex with another girl.”

          No other nursery rhymes come to my mind, not when Yuki’s last words keep repeating inside it.

         
Pretending?

         
“Stop lying---”      

          “I’m not! I didn’t sleep with her! I just went around school until lunch break ended.”

          Everything inside me simply explodes at his denial.

          “Do you think I’m going to believe you?” I cry out. “Do you think I’ll ever forgive you? I
loved
you. I thought being your toy was
special
.”

          “It was.” Yuki’s voice sounds so scratchy, like he’s trying not to cry.

          It just makes me angrier. Why is he still faking it?

          “My dad thinks I’m a slut, but I didn’t…I didn’t…it was
you
who made me feel that!”

          Yuki’s face looks like it’s about to crack. “I never thought you were a slut. You were never that---”

          “I know that now, but you made me feel like one.”

          The floodgates for my tear ducts malfunction again, and I start to cry uncontrollably.

“Every time I’m with you I feel like one. Every time I think about the time you told me you were going to leave me to fuck some other girl---”

          Yuki hauls me to his arms, and he doesn’t let go no matter how hard I struggle.

“I didn’t. I swear on my life I didn’t,” he says hoarsely. “Please stop crying.”

“And you called Amelia
senpai
.”

“I’m sorry. I’m never going to call anyone else that, even if they’re a hundred years older than I am.”

“I was so mad I actually let some guy dry-hump me from the back.”

“That kinda makes me mad, too.”

“I hate how you made me into a fucking mess,” I sob. “I didn’t even know how to say ‘fuck’ before you came to my life!”

“I’ll help you stop. I’ll wash your mouth with soap every time I hear you say it.”

I’ve never thought anything could make me laugh at this moment, but that one does. I still cry even if I laugh, but somehow that one funny line makes me feel better. Silly, too, for crying like it’s the end of the world. It’s not like I’m the only girl in high school who’s been dumped.

Life will go on, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

“Please,
senpai
,” Yuki says, his voice still hoarse. “Please just give me a chance. Please just take me back.”

I don’t let myself focus on the words, concentrating instead on getting my floodgates to work again and to keep my tears in check. When I succeed, I shakily place my hands on his chest and push away.

Yuki’s hands fall limply to his sides.

When I finally raise my gaze to him, he says, “I’m not going to make you cry again.”

“I know. I won’t let you.”

Yuki jerks.

I start to say goodbye, but Yuki suddenly speaks. “I mean it when I said I won’t make you cry. I’m not scared anymore. Just let me stay by your side and I’ll prove to you I’ve changed. I can be your toy this time. Or just a friend. Anything. Just don’t ask me to leave---” 

“Yuki, please.” He’s babbling. Yuki’s
babbling.
Gods aren’t supposed to babble, and it hurts to see him like this. But it hurts me more to hear him say all these promises he can’t keep.

“You made life so fun,
senpai.
I never…It’s why I keep teasing you. It made life at home bearable. Do you know that my dad and I haven’t been talking normally for almost a year? But before we left for Key West, I called him up. I never call him first, but I did that time because I just wanted someone to talk to about you. I was excited to tell him about you. That’s why my mom was so freaked out when we had dinner. She was terrified I might have found out something about her and she didn’t want me getting close to my dad.”

Yuki spreads his hands out like someone who has his entire guts spilled out. “
You
changed my life,
senpai
.”

I shake my head. He’s still the Ursula to my Ariel, and right now his Ursula is at its most powerful.

“I need you.”

But all I can do is shake my head.

Yuki closes his eyes. When they open, his baby blues are bleak. “I’m not getting to you, am I,
senpai
?”

“Of course you are.”

“You don’t have to lie,” he says tonelessly.

“I’m not.”

Yuki runs a hand over his face. When he takes his hand away, the mask is back in place, just like how it is whenever he talks to Sascha, and he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s hurting.

“Just tell me what I can do to change your mind about us.” When I don’t – can’t – answer, he pleads, “Anything,
senpai
.”

I turn my back to him at that. “It’s just not going to work, okay?” I shake my purse like a fucking Magic 8 until my house keys fall out. I need to get away before I start crying again.

“Please,
senpai---
”

My hand is shaking so badly I have a hard time inserting my key. It’s killing me to pretend I don’t hear the agony in Yuki’s voice, but I know it will kill me more if I let him get to me. I mean, all this drama because I fell in love with him? High school romances are supposed to be about prom dresses, making out, study dates, more making out – it shouldn’t be about psychotic Wisteria moms, human toys, and all that shit he did to prove that he doesn’t love me. But now he’s saying he’s does. If those things don’t spell “unhealthy and unstable relationship”, I don’t know what does.

The key finally slides in. Halle-fucking-lujah. Kelly’s probably waiting for me impatiently on the other side. It’s impossible that we haven’t gotten her out of bed. With all the noise we’ve been making, I’m surprised someone hasn’t dialed 911 yet.

“Don’t go,
senpai
.”

Shit.

          Even I can’t ignore that, not with Yuki sounding like I’m kicking him when he’s already down.

          “I’m scared, too, okay? If you leave me another time, what if I go crazy again? What if I do something worse next time?” I take a deep breath. “What if I really become like your dad if something goes wrong between us?”

Yuki pales.

You see, I’m not really as nice as everyone thinks I am. I know how to twist a knife just as well as anyone does.

Yuki inhales, the sharp sound making me look at him. “It’s not going to be like that. Because we’re different. You love me,
senpai
.”

Fuck.

“And I l---”

“And I have to go,” I say in a panic. I just know this is the point where I have to stop listening.

I go in before I
cave
in, slamming the door behind me. I feel like I’ve locked my heart and thrown away the key with it, but that’s just another reason why I shouldn’t be with Yuki. I’m getting so fucking poetic it’s embarrassing.

I take huge gulps of breath, trying to erase the sound of Yuki’s broken words from my mind. 

Please,
senpai.

Don’t go,
senpai.

And I l---

Like leopards.
That’s all he’s going to say. That’s all.

“Ahem.
”

I look up. My heart drops to the floor like a forgotten grenade, and I start taking huge gulps of breath again. “
Dad
?”

“Now, I think Yuki just feels bad about what he’s done so he wants to say sorry and stuff.” My voice turns cynical. “Or maybe he’s realized he can’t find anyone else who’s dumb as I am and he wants me back.” But even before I finish speaking, I know it’s not true. It’s just my evil twin talking again, trying to make Yuki sound like a first-class jerk so I won’t weaken.

I look down and wait for the verdict.

Over cups of hot cocoa in the kitchen, I’ve told my parents everything that’s happened between Yuki and me. All throughout my monologue, I keep expecting Jason to erupt but he doesn’t. Kelly told me he took the first flight home the minute he got her voice message about my probation. He looks a little jet lagged, his blazer hanging on the back of his chair, and necktie loose. But other than that he seems…fine. Like the old Dad. The one who doesn’t think I’m a slut. He didn’t even frown, not once, the whole time I was speaking. It’s unnerving.

          But Kelly’s different. If she’s not snickering, she’s laughing her head off, especially when I’ve told her the part about, umm, my little adventure in the locker room. It’s irritating.

          My mom’s the first one to speak, which I feel is a good thing. But then she says, “That’s probably the PG version of what went on with you and Yuki, isn’t it?”

          Not such a good thing after all.

          But I nod anyway. I’m done lying. It sucks.

          Jason reaches out and ruffles my hair. “I’m sorry you’re hurting, angel. You really love him, don’t you?”

          I totally don’t see that coming, and I quickly look away, doing my best not to blink so I won’t be a crybaby in front of them. That would be seriously uncool for Rockstar KC. “No, I…maybe you’re right, Dad. Maybe it’s just…” I have to force the words out. “It’s just sexual infatuation.”

          Jason sighs. “Ah, angel. Come here.” He pulls me in his arms, and the feel of his strength makes Rockstar KC’s worst nightmare come true. I cry against his shirt.

          “I was wrong to say that,” he says, stroking my hair. “And I’m sorry about the other things I said.” He kisses my forehead. “I’m always proud of you and your brothers. Couldn’t have asked for better kids.”

          “I can,” Kelly pipes in. “But just a few modifications would do.”

          We both ignore her. Jason continues, “I was just angry and I misread what was between you and that boy.”

          “You didn’t,” I mumble.

          “Maybe, but you won’t know if you won’t really talk to him.”

          I shake my head against his chest. “I
can’t
talk to him, Dad. I’m scared.”

          “Of what?”

          I pull away, feeling like the next words I say doesn’t make me deserving of any fatherly hugs. “I’m scared that…I’d be his
toy
again.”

          Jason winces.

          “Sorry,” I mumble.

          “It’s okay. Let’s just, ahh, skip that part.”

          “I don’t want to skip that part,” Kelly protests.

          We ignore her again.

          “But Dad…I don’t think…I’m not like you or Mom.” I try to sniff back my tears, but it’s hopeless. “I don’t think I’m suited to…waiting. For marriage. Before I…”

          Kelly chokes on her cocoa.

          Jason looks queasy. “Well, about that.” He clears his throat. “I don’t think, I, ahh, said anything like that, did I?”

          “W-what do you mean?”

          “But angel, I never said that your mom and I didn’t have, ahh, that kind of relationship before marriage.”

          I sit up at that. “B-but every time we talk about me having a boyfriend, you keep on saying that I have to wait and---”

          “Because I wanted it to be special for you,” he interrupts quietly.

          I hate that word. I swear, I’m going to delete that from all the virtual dictionaries I’m using the first chance I get.