Drowning to Breathe (40 page)

She sneered at the insinuation, and I took another step propelled by years of simmering rage.

“Was it?” I demanded. I touched my chest as the words broke on my tongue. “I wanted to
sing
, and you took the gift I was given, something beautiful that brought me joy, and turned it into something ugly. I wanted to grow up and fall in love, and you manipulated that into something nasty and obscene.”

She went hard in her expression, posture, and tone. “I took what was mine and turned it into what I wanted it to be.”

I grabbed the cheap vase boasting a bouquet of dead flowers sitting on the table next to me and hurled it across the room.

Attention.

That’s what I wanted.

For once, I wanted this woman to
look
at me. To see me as a person and not the ticket to her fucked-up dreams.

It busted on the wall behind her, shards of glass and water spilling to the couch and floor.

Tears blurred my vision as everything I’d kept bottled for all these years wept free. “You let them beat me, didn’t you? You knew, and you let them hurt me.
Your own daughter
. Didn’t you?”

Beneath all her roughened exterior, I saw her flinch.

“Those contracts you made me sign? I know you exploited me. Had them written up so you and Martin would be the ones to financially gain while I was forced to remain under your control.”

“And look where it got
me
. After all I did for you,” she spat, pure contempt.

Anguished, I swallowed and took a step back, the oldest pain clawing at my chest.

Momma.

Momma.

Momma.

My soul cried out for her, those little girl dreams confused with this sick reality. I’d tried so hard. I’d given her everything I had while she just took and took and took. I’d loved her so purely, trusted until that trust proved just how blind love can be.

“And you know what? When I look back, that’s not even what hurts. What hurts was how you turned your back on me when I needed you most. I loved you.” I shook my head, laying myself bare, the words a jumble of humorless laughter and sorrow, my feelings once again freely given. Again completely at my expense. “I guess it makes me a fool I still do.”

She sucked in a breath.

With my fingertips, I wiped the tears from my face. More just fell in their place. “I know you know Martin’s back and trying to destroy my life.” My face twisted with the thought. “And I’m pretty sure he was coming for me before…that he was going to hurt me when I least expected it, and somehow…somehow this guy I didn’t even know…”

Mark.

My spirit bled for him, praying he was finally at peace.

“…somehow he stopped whatever Martin was going to do.”

The words came harsh with the implication. “And I know you know Sebastian, the man I love with everything I have…with
all
of me…is sitting behind bars right now because he was trying to protect me. Because he was trying to protect his family.”

She’d proven before she cared about none of that.

Family.

Loyalty.

Sacrifice.

But my grandma, she’d taught me to see the best in people. To believe when nothing seemed worth believing in.

I lifted my quivering chin. “And I know you know enough to make this go away. If you’ve ever loved me…if you’ve ever cared at all…if you have one shred of decency left in you, you will
fix this
.”

Kallie threw her head back as she propelled herself down the slide. Giggles floated on the gentle breeze, the trees surrounding us rustling in the cool air as my daughter played on the small playground down the hill from Sebastian’s house.

“Look at me, Momma!”

I hugged myself across my chest and pasted a smile on my face, doing everything I could to stay upright.

“I see you, Butterfly. You’re such a big girl.”

She whooshed to the bottom. Little feet hit the ground and she was off running again, climbing right back up the steps to do it again.

What they say must be true.

Children are resilient.

It was proven in the unending smile that graced my daughter’s face.

In the gentle way she hugged me in the moments when I was certain I couldn’t withstand one second more.

In the sure and indisputable way she promised, “Everything’s gonna be all right, Momma. Don’t cry.”

Even though we were so far from home.

Surrounded by so many people except for the one we’d come here for.

Buried in questions and agony and the dwindling hope Sebastian would find his way back to us.

Her tiny spirit exhibited the greatest show of strength.

I desperately tried to hang onto it.

Faith.

But it was difficult when the only thing we were met with were roadblocks and setbacks and disappointments.

Four days had passed since I’d gone to my mother. Four days since I’d walked away and not heard another word. Four days of Kenny scrambling and Anthony encouraging, and all the guys doing everything they could to stand up and stand in, trying to make me and Kallie feel at home when I’d never felt so alone.

Four days of going through the motions. Four days of
pretending
I could make it through this.

In that time, I’d not even been granted clearance to visit him.

God. I just wanted to see his face. To touch along the lines and the curves and the scars. To see that he was okay and then maybe I could be okay, too.

The absolute worst part? It had also been four days of worrying what Martin might be planning to do, constantly looking over my shoulder, scared I would find those fears were valid.

But still somehow sure he would bide his time. Unwilling to strike in the middle of this public battle.

Now we were doing everything we could to strike first.

“Be careful, Kallie Bug,” I warned when she started climbing a metal ladder to the elevated bouncy bridge stretched between two play towers.

From the third step, she grinned back at me. “I’m bein’ so, so careful, Momma. Did you know I have to learn to climb way up high in the sky ’cause that’s were butterflies fly
and
I’m gonna be in big girl school? And I’m not scared at all, at all.”

Okay.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that even with everything I was going through, my daughter still held the power to bring a smile to my face.

“She’s beautiful.” The hoarse voice coming from behind froze my blood, and I went rigid when I felt her approach, the instinct to safeguard and shield flipping to high alert.

But somehow I felt the resignation in her step.

The surrender.

My attention remained fixed on my daughter as my mother erased the space and came to stand directly beside me.

Locks of her stringy hair whipped in the wind.

Neither of us said anything for the longest time. The silence screamed back all the pain she had caused, my heart aching in a way it’d never ached before.

Her voice cracked in the December air. “They were
never
supposed to hurt you.”

My body quaked with the intrusion of her words.

“I would never have given the okay for that. They were just supposed to shake you up. Scare you into making the decision you needed to make.”

My eyes dropped closed as if it could shield me from this brutality.

She’d known.

But I already knew that, didn’t I? Still, the confirmation struck me like the sting of a lash.

Something helpless seeped into her tone. “By then, I was in deep.” Her mouth pinched as if the confession was sour. “Got myself mixed up in things I never anticipated, but by the time I realized what was happening, it was already too late.”

My head shook, rejecting any justification.

She glanced at me as if she could read my thoughts. “I’m not sayin’ any of that gives me an excuse, Shea. I’m standing here taking responsibility for what I’ve done.”

“Why now? Why did he come after me now?”

She turned her attention away, back to my daughter, as if she couldn’t stand to look at me while she spoke the words. “Martin Jennings has always viewed you as a threat. As a loose thread that needed to be snipped. With everything I’ve gone through with him all these years, my guess is when he found out you were with Sebastian Stone, he thought it was time to take action. Martin couldn’t stand aside and wait to see what happened with the tie between Sebastian and Mark. He didn’t know what Mark had revealed to him or anyone else. He didn’t know if Sebastian had sought you out because of something Mark had said to him. He needed to end your relationship with Sebastian any way he could. And what better way to take you out than through your daughter?”

She shook her head. “He loves instilling fear, controlling people that way. He gets off on it in some sick way.”

An incredulous snort shot from my nose. As if I didn’t have front-row experience with that.

Her voice spread through me like ice as she continued, “But make no mistake. He would have dealt with you if it weren’t for the fact he didn’t know if or who you’d confided in. Or if you hadn’t made that complaint to the police.”

I shot her a glance full of old hatred.

She caught onto it immediately. “Yeah…told you it was stupid. What you did was
stupid
. Trying to leave when he didn’t give a second thought to hurting you. But it gave you leverage he didn’t anticipate. Still, there’s no doubt in my mind it didn’t stop him from planning…conniving and figuring out how to erase the threat he viewed you to be. Until that boy Mark stumbled upon it.”

She huffed like it wasn’t all that big a deal. “He would have taken me out a long time ago if he didn’t believe I was just as dirty as him.” Self-deprecating laughter rolled from her like a toll of death. “And I won’t deny that I am.”

I stood there reeling. Trying to wrap my head around what my mother had dragged me into, where all the greed and selfishness had led us both.

Kallie swooped down the slide and my mother choked over a sob, ushering in an entire shift of her demeanor.

“I’ve done
so
much bad.” Bitterness made its way in. “Believe me, I’ve gotten everything I deserve. Don’t have a damned thing. Nothing. Not a dime of that money I wanted so bad, and I sure as hell don’t have the family I didn’t realize I needed. But it’s too late now, and now I’m going to be gettin’ more.”

I looked at her, wind stinging the tears wetting my face.

She met my gaze, chin raised.

“My own daughter stood in my shithole apartment and demanded to know if I ever loved her…if I ever cared at all. You demanded to know if I had any decency left inside me. Truth is, there was never a whole lot of that to begin with.”

Her voice grew thin and wispy. “But I do love you, Shea. Always have. But that took a back seat to everything I thought I had to have, and then got completely forgotten when every day was spent just trying to survive my deplorable life.”

“All I ever wanted was to make you proud.”

She nodded slowly. “And you were right. I made that ugly, too. I’m finished with making things ugly.

Wistfully, she turned back to watch my daughter who laughed and played, before she looked back at me, expression going deathly sad. “You’re the only truly beautiful thing I ever made.”

I sucked in a lungful of air. Then why did every action she ever made have to be opposite? I wanted to scream,
why
? Why’d she have to be so vile when I would have happily given her everything?

She cleared her throat and straightened. “I’m leaving here and I’m going straight to the police station. I’m going to turn myself in. Tell them every last thing I know, every name and every detail. I’ll be going to prison, Shea. That is if I make it there. I imagine Martin will be going away for much longer. I just wanted you to know.”

I felt something inside me splintering, old hurt and resentment breaking free. As much relief as her statement brought me, there was no satisfaction.

Nothing to assuage the enormity of what she’d done. The danger she’d put her own daughter in, worst of all allowing it year after year.

She could have stopped this so long ago.

Kallie all of a sudden came skipping over to us, blonde curls a hurricane, her smile the most brilliant force. “Momma!”

She grabbed onto my hand, swaying in my hold as she peered up at the woman who’d done everything to stop her life.

“Hi,” she exuded with all that childlike curiosity.

My mother smiled down at her.

Softly.

Flickers of a memory hit me, and I thought maybe…maybe she’d once looked at me that way.

“And what’s your name?” my mother asked as she stooped down to bring them to eye level.

A hint of interested shyness injected into her tone when she answered, “I’m Kallie Marie.”

“Well…it’s an honor to meet you, Kallie Marie.”

Chloe Lynn didn’t introduce herself to Kallie as anyone, not as my mother or her grandmother or a long-lost friend.

Because both my mother and I knew Kallie would never see her again.

For the briefest flash, my mother touched my daughter’s cheek, hesitating, before she stood.

Sorrow crowded every crease in her weathered face. “Goodbye, my shining star.”