e Squared (42 page)

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Authors: Matt Beaumont

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From:
David Crutton

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.16

Subject: Smokers

The GIT delegation arrives at 12.00 and I want to greet them with a rapturous tribute to the joys of the noble weed. To that end, all smokers will forgo their habitual cigarette breaks until 11.55, at which time you will proceed to the front of the building and light up. And I don't want the usual hangdog expressions. Imagine for five minutes that you're extras in a '70s Coke commercial and act accordingly. In other words, look as if you're enjoying yourselves. Finally, if you must smoke Silk Cut, B&H or Marlboro, for God's sake hide the packs.

PS: If anyone is considering taking up the wonderfully convivial pastime of smoking, 11.55 today would be a most excellent time to give it a whirl.

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.19

Subject: Where the fuck is my queer?

I have a PowerPoint for him to re-jig.

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.20

Subject: Re: Where the fuck is my queer?

I think he's in a meeting with some qual research people on behalf of Caroline. I'll do the PowerPoint as soon as I've laminated the doc covers, put out the pads and pencils and sorted out the kitchen order.

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.21

Subject: Hooray for me!!!!!!!!!!

I'm off to my audition now. What audition? I hear you ask. To take
the
leading role in
Big Brother 10
! I've already put a pencil on thirteen weeks from June! Get your texting fingers ready!!

Milton Keane Future Star of Reality TV

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.23

Subject: My office now

Explain to me how your most recent e-mail squares with the queer's all-staffer.

bbc.co.uk/news
Briton found dead in Nigeria

The body of a British tourist has been found floating in a river in Lagos, Nigeria.

According to the Nigerian Police Force, the man appeared to have been beaten before being thrown into Badagry Creek, which runs into Lagos Harbour. The NPF is withholding the man's identity until his family has been informed.

Superintendent Julian Odulate of the NPF said: “We have the dead man's passport. His first name is the same as his second. I have never seen this before, except for the much-cherished British writer Jerome K. Jerome, who of course wrote
Three Men in a Boat,
which is one of my most favorite books. Mr Jerome used his middle initial to make his name seem less silly. The poor dead man appears not to have had a middle name, so he could not do this. It is the first time in my 27-year police career that I have come across a corpse that has the same name twice, but in this job I believe we must always expect the unexpected.”

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Harvey Harvey

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.33

Subject: Grim Reaper

Just caught the news. I'm devastated, mate. OK, I kinda knew. I think I might have mentioned it in previous e-mails. But the shock of confirmation is unreal. Gotta go and drink a toast to your memory. You don't seem to have much in. It'll just have to be Orangina to. Seems fitting somehow.

From:
Bill Geddes

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.36

Subject: Where the hell are you?

Been trying your phone. Left you half a dozen messages. Have you switched it off? DC's all set to fire you, but I reckon if you get in by 12 and make the GIT meeting, I could square things with him. I know Don's in a bad situation, but there's no need for you to lose your job as well.

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.37

Subject: All right, all right, I'll tell you

Your silence is a wailing fucking cacophony in my head. Just to get you off my case, I'll tell you about Vince.

He's fallen in love.

That, you might argue, is a Positive Thingâthe calming influence of a good woman and the fact that at last he can have his perpetual horniness tended to by someone consenting. I'd agree, absolutely. But if I tell you who he's fallen in love with ...

The
capo di tutti i capi
out here is a guy called Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum. You might have heard of himâlike you, he's a keen follower of the horses. The guy has several billion in the bank, multiple wives and getting on for twenty kids. He's the Daddy all right.

I know what you're thinking, but no, Vince isn't seeing his daughter. That would be silly, wouldn't it? Rash beyond words. A fucking death sentence. Even he's not that stupid, is he? He's done the sensible thing for once in his life.

He's only dating the Sheikh's second cousin's youngest. Still proper Arab royalty though, the stuff of romance novels and OK! deals. Oh, and true-life TV movies that end in decapitation for one or both of the lovers.

But he's besotted and claims she is too. He's old enough to know better, but she's only nineteenâclearly a young and unworldly nineteen, if she's dozy enough to think Vince is a catch. Admittedly she does have the most stunning eyesâthe only bit I've seenâbut I don't care how gorgeous the rest of her is, it's utter madness and it has to stop. Apart from anything else, we've got a stack of work to do, a campaign for Gatorade to finish by end of play, but as I write he's Photoshopping cherubs and roses onto pink satin cushions. I suppose it's an advance on the usual (retouching Kate Winslet's head on to a porn star's jizsplattered body), but IT HAS TO STOP!

He won't listen to me though. He says they're going to elope and get married. Vegas, he reckons. I suggested he should nuke every taboo and go the whole hog: get a sex change and have a lesbian wedding in Tel Aviv. The idiot took me seriously and he's checking out the visa situation.

Will you have a word with him? He might listen to you. And if he doesn't, you could come over here and help me get him home. Drugged and bundled into a sack if necessary. Help me, mate. I'm all out of ideas.

Allah Sheedy

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.45

Subject: Lighting-up time

David has asked me to remind all you smokers that you have ten minutes.

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: RÃ³isÃn O'Hooligan

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.47

Subject: Message for Slobodan

Hi Roisin. Can you ask Slobodan to move his car from outside the building? David has only just told me we need the space free for the client's ambulance. Thanks.

From:
Roisin O'Hooligan

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.48

Subject: Re: Message for Slobodan

Ambulance? Excuse me??

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: RÃ³isÃn O'Hooligan

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.49

Subject: Re: Message for Slobodan

David informed me (all rather last-minute, I'm afraid) that Carter Bluewash (GIT Prez) has “a chronic lung condition” and travels everywhere with a nurse and an oxygen tent.

From:
Roisin O'Hooligan

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.51

Subject: Re: Message for Slobodan

Slobby is (grudgingly) moving his hire car as I type. BTW, what's this Carter guy do again? Oh yes, he runs a great big tobacco company. As ye sow, etc.

From:
David Crutton

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 11.54

Subject: I am the Pied Piper

I am now leaving the building for a well-earned cigarette. All you smokers will follow me out like the Hamelin rats.

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 12.06

Subject: Shh!

The GIT clients are now in the building. David has asked me to tell you to be super-quiet for the duration, and also to look super-hardworking just in case any of them pop out for a wander/toilet break!

Thanks!

Dotty Podidra

Assistant to David Crutton

From:
Sally Wilton

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 12.07

Subject: Interns

All available interns wanted urgently out front for smoke-wafting and butt-sweeping.

Thank you for your cooperation.