e Squared (39 page)

 

Fuck, I hate Sundays.

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm depressed.

 

And lonely.

 

And scared.

 

I can say that to you because you're already dead. I can say anything to you. Anything at all. I can tell you how unspeakably fucking bleak I feel to have arrived at thirty-seven and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

 

Nothing.

 

Whatsoever.

 

Oh, sorry, there are a few things: an ex who despises me; a guy in the clink for something I did (though I am trying to fix that); a stack of debts so toxic that even the Royal Bank of Scotland wouldn't touch it; a job where I'm earning brownie points for flogging cigarettes to children—no, worse, children who'll have to steal from their dirt-poor parents in order to fund the habit I'm giving them; and there's that irritated Turk. I think I mentioned him. He wants to kill me. He might be handcuffed to a hospital bed, but he has friends that aren't.

 

He's got a point, the Turk. I mean, what use am I? What the fuck am I for? I should be dead. Like you.

 

Sorry, I don't mean you should be dead. You shouldn't be. You should absolutely be alive. But you aren't. All because you did something decent. You flew 3,103 miles (I Googled it. Nothing better to do. It's Sunday) to save the life of a stranger. All right, so you're being scammed rotten. That makes you a fool. But an honest, decent, upstanding fool. Not a cowardly, lying cunt like me.

 

Enough already. Think I'll watch Antiques Roadshow. Take myself back to a wasted childhood. More stuff to feel shite about. Did I mention that I used to dive for my county? Nottinghamshire Juniors. I used to knife into the water like a gannet after a sardine. I coulda bin a contendah. What happened? I discovered smoking and E and loafing on corners. What a fucking waste.

 

Rest in peace, mate. And (almost) in the words of the ever-reflective Coolio, “I'll C U when
I
get there.”

PS: Love the Atari Super PONG. Do you keep it as a collectible or have you never actually heard of Xbox, Wii and PS3? I'm never sure with you.

 

PPS: You owe me £5.86. I had to buy bread, milk and coffee.

 

PPPS: But you're dead, so I suppose I'll collect it from your estate.

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: Creative Department

Sent: 25 January 2009, 16.16

Subject: Let's be inspired

 

Amazing the ideas that come to you as you're waiting to go into the ring for your second-round bout in the British Veterans Thai Boxing Championship. I thought it'd be a grand idea to bring in some inspirational names from outside the media bubble; people who can blast away the post-Christmas torpor; blow our minds with their feats of derring-do. I want names. Think big—infinity and beyond, mes braves.

 

My starters for ten:

 

Gotta go and prep my
Wai Khru Muay Thai.
That lanky streak of piss Fink is limbering up. If I kick his arse, I've got Beattie in the semis. Wish me well!

Sent from my ¡Phone

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.21

Subject: Interns?

 

Intern needed for urgent copying for GIT meeting. Cookies for successful applicant.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.22

Subject: Interns?

 

Desperately seeking intern to bind GIT docs.
Choccy
cookies for lucky volunteer.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.23

Subject: Interns?

 

Cookies and fresh doughnuts.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.23

Subject: Interns?

 

Choccy
cookies, freshly brewed coffee and £10 M&S voucher.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.24

Subject: Interns?

 

Cookies, doughnuts,
choice
of coffee or tea and four-pack of Budvar.

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.24

Subject: Interns?

 

Choccy
cookies, coffee, M&S voucher, free pick from Cazza's fridge (anything non-vintage).

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.25

Subject: Interns?

 

Cookies, doughnuts, coffee/tea, Budvar and Blade Runner DVD (Director's Cut).

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.26

Subject: Interns?

 

Choccy
cookies, coffee, M&S voucher, fridge pick, Ugly Betty (complete Season 2) and ten-minute go on Cazza's amazing Eames rocker (sitting
is
believing!!).

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.27

Subject: Interns?

 

Cookies, doughnuts, coffee/tea, Budvar,
Blade Runner,
ultra-cool Bathing Ape baseball cap and 8GB iPod nano (magenta).

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: All Staff

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.28

Subject: Interns?

 

Choccy
cookies, coffee, M&S voucher, fridge pick, Ugly Betty, extended go on Eames rocker, over £250 worth of Esmée Éloge freebies and a signed copy of my exclusive YouTube DVD.

 

From:
Larry Finlay

To: Katie Espiner

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.53

Subject: I want it and I want it now

 

Gavin in digital has finally done something useful. After a weekend scouring the net he's ID-ed Hornblower (click below for details). He's an ex-adman called Simon Horne, yet another one doing the
Year in
Provence
bollocks. Shouldn't be too hard to track down. I want you to tie up the book deal posthaste. Drop whatever shite you're on and fly to France immediately.

 

 

From:
Katie Espiner

To: Larry Finlay

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.56

Subject: Re: I want it and I want it now

 

Are you sure, Larry? I know everyone's talking about this guy's blog, but only because he's a complete idiot. And I'm up to my neck in the new Sophie Kinsella.

 

From:
Larry Finlay

To: Katie Espiner

Sent: 26 January 2009, 08.59

Subject: Re: I want it and I want it now

 

Since when was idiocy an impediment to getting a book published? The man is a certified fucking phenomenon and I want him on our list. Believe me, every publisher in London will be creaming his/her knickers for this one. I will not be beaten to the punch again as we were with that made-up hooker blog. Delegate Kinsella and get your arse to France.

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Creative Department

Sent: 26 January 2009, 09.00

Subject: Creative reviews

 

Any of you wishing to show Ted creative work today should hold back any witty, funny or otherwise amusing ideas. Unfortunately, he cracked two ribs yesterday and laughing causes him considerable pain.