Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet (3 page)

At that, Jack had to smile.  The thought that he could make
anything a reality just by thinking about it tickled him.  He’d first give
himself a ton of money, then he’d get a date with Anna, and then he’d make Mr.
Shepherd himself have detention for the rest of eternity. 

It was too bad that none of the stuff the Professor was
talking about actually seemed to work.

At least, not yet.

River Heights High School’s cafeteria
was one of the largest areas in the school, second only to the gymnasium. 
Unlike the rest of the building, which was decorated with sickly green tiles,
for some reason (and no one was really sure why) the cafeteria was adorned with
boring beige tiles that climbed a quarter of the way up the walls before giving
way to stucco painted a color which had at one time been white but was now pale
yellow from age.

Students lined up against the walls, waiting for their turn
to buy whatever passed as food in the kitchen toward the back of the room. 
Above them were painted various inspirational sayings from famous historical
figures, intermixed occasionally with the cartoon image of Barry the Beaver, a
friendly little rodent who was the official school mascot.

For an hour a day, the cafeteria was filled with the commotion
of students seated at the long neat rows of folding tables stretching from one
end of the room to the other.  Lunch was one of the few parts of school Jack
actually enjoyed.  Indeed, Jack often looked at lunchtime as his sanctuary.  It
was when Jack could forget about all the bad stuff he had to suffer through
during the day and just relax with some of the few people he actually enjoyed
spending time with.

First off, there was his best friend Matt Nunan, who’d been
Jack’s partner in crime since the two of them first got into a fight over who
got to play with the red Mighty Morphing Robot Ninja in the first grade. 
Matt’s mom was white, and his dad was black, but on the color scale, Matt
tended to skew on the lighter end – a fact that really annoyed him.  Thus, Matt
dressed in extremely baggy clothes, sports jerseys (even though he never played
sports), and attempted to grow his hair out into dreadlocks - a process that made
him look like he had constantly just stuck his finger into a light socket.

Then, there was Jasper Kreig, whom everyone called “Chunk,”
an unfortunate nickname Jasper had been given in the third grade due to his
short, squat, and rather rotund frame.  Chunk was widely regarded as the class
clown, always willing to yell out a funny quip, make an inappropriate farting
sound, or flash various parts of his anatomy when the situation called for it
(and even when it didn’t).

Peter Mercer and his sister Norma were there, too.  Though
Norma was a year older than Peter, they both shared the similar features of a
weak chin, long neck, and extremely scrawny legs.  However, even though the two
of them looked similar, they couldn’t have been more different when it came to
their personalities.  While Peter was goofy, Norma was serious.  While Peter
was laid back, Norma was prone to over-reacting.  While Peter was all about
swords, sorcery, and high fantasy, Norma was about biographies, documentaries,
and quite a bit of prim-and-proper girlie stuff. 

Then there was Gothy.  Her real name was Gretchen, but her
penchant for wearing an abundance of black eyeliner, black lipstick, black fingernail
polish, black clothes, dyed-black hair, listening to the most depressing music
imaginable, and writing extremely bad poetry about the pointlessness of life
had earned her the nickname.

Finally, there was Yoshi, a foreign exchange student from
Japan.  Yoshi was an extremely skinny kid, with eyes so narrow Jack was
surprised he could see out of them at all.  Yoshi had been very popular when he
first showed up at school last year.  He was quiet, shy, extremely polite, and
the nicest person anyone could ever possibly hope to meet.  But soon after all
the upperclassmen had taught him every swear word they knew and had him repeat
them to the teachers a few times, the novelty quickly wore off and Yoshi’s
so-called “friends” began ignoring him.  That’s when he found Jack and the
others, and with their help, his English had been greatly improving – though
his habit of using the swear words he had learned at the most inappropriate
times still was a problem.

Since Jack had forgotten his lunch again, the group had
pitched in to make sure he didn’t go hungry.  In fact, it was so common an
occurrence that everyone had taken to packing a little extra food, just for
him.  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich from Matt, an apple from Chunk, a
granola bar from Norma, and an orange juice box from Yoshi made up his current
meal.

“So,” said Matt, “heard Shepherd gave you detention again.”

“Yeah,” growled Jack.  “I swear, that guy has it out for
me.”

“Want me to try and get detention, too?  I could slip some
laxatives into Mr. Jacob’s coffee again.”

“Nah, no reason for both of us to suffer.”

“Just say the word, dude,” said Matt.  “I’d totally lax up
Mr. Jacob for ya.”

“I know you would, buddy” smiled Jack, patting his friend on
the back.

“I had detention with Mr. Shepherd once,” chimed in Chunk. 
“It was creepy.  He just stares at you the whole time with his serial-killer
eyes.”  Chunk pried his eyes as wide as they could go to emphasize his point.

“He does that to me, too,” said Jack.  “He looks at me like I
just took a dump on his mother’s grave or something.”

“I’m telling you guys,” continued Chunk, “Mr. Shepherd has
KILLED people before.  I’m convinced.  He’s got that crazy
‘I’m-gonna-rip-out-your-lungs-and-gaze-into-your-gaping-chest-wound’
stare.  I bet you he eats them after he kills ‘em, too.”

“You say that about everyone you don’t like,” complained
Norma.  “According to you, half the student body are a bunch of serial-killer
cannibals.”

“Did you know human flesh has almost no nutritional value?”
intoned Gothy.

“I’m serious about this,” said Chunk defensively.  “That
dude has definitely eaten people before.”

 “In Japan,” chimed in Yoshi, “teachers very strict.  Many
like Shepherd.”

“No wonder you wanted to get out of the country,” quipped
Jack.  “Can you imagine a school full of Mr. Shepherds?”  The very thought sent
a cold shiver down Jack’s spine.

“Well, hey,” said Peter.  “Maybe Yoshi could give you some
advice on how to deal with Shepherd if he’s had to put up with hard cases like
him for so long.”

“Good idea,” said Matt.  “How’d you deal with your teachers
back in Japan if they were so strict?”

“You do your work, obey rules, be good student,” said Yoshi,
smiling.

Everyone took a second to look at Jack.

“Sorry, buddy,” said Matt good-naturedly.  “You’re screwed.”

With that, the whole group shared a laugh.  Even Jack had to
admit there was no way he could do what Yoshi was suggesting, even if he
tried.  For whatever reason, Jack was never much for work, rules, or even being
much of a student for that matter.

As Chunk started doing an impression of what Jack would act
like in a Japanese school, Jack caught a glimpse of Anna sitting by herself at
a table near the far wall.  She was huddled away with a brown bag lunch of
chips, juice, and what looked like a small Tupperware container of leafy
greens.  As usual, she was reading, sitting in the same place she always did,
by herself. 

Before every lunch period, Jack would try to think of a way
to talk to her.  But no matter what scheme popped into his mind, each one had
the fatal flaw of actually requiring Jack to WALK up to her and open his mouth
in a way that made words come out.  Many times he had almost done it, but for
some reason, he’d always chickened out at the last minute, with the hope things
would be different the next day.

But they never were.

“Uh-oh,” said Peter.  “Looks like it’s that time again.”

Jack turned back from Anna to the group.  “Huh?” he asked. 
“What time?”

“You know,” teased Matt.  “The time where you stare
longingly at the girl of your dreams, try and muster up the courage to finally
go over and talk to her, and then totally do
nothing
.”

“Gimme a break,” said Jack.  “Like any of you have the
stones to do it.”

“I do!” said Chunk.  “All the ladies loooove Chunk.  Ain’t
that right, Norma baby?”  Chunk started making kissy-faces at Norma, who
abruptly threw some chips at his face.

“You disgust me,” she hissed.

Chunk smiled and winked at Jack.  “It’s a forbidden love,”
he said, happily munching on the chips Norma had thrown at him.

“Love is the gateway to despair,” intoned Gothy.

“Honestly, I don’t know what you see in her, Jack,” Norma
went on, ignoring Gothy’s morbid interjection.  “She’s a frigid, anti-social
ice queen.  She’s mean to everybody.”

“Who cares?” cried Chunk.  “She’s haaaawt!”

Norma punched Chunk on the arm, causing him to squeal.  “It
doesn’t matter how hot she is, stupid.  She doesn’t
like
anybody.  It’s
almost as if she thinks she’s royalty and we’re all beneath her or something.”

“She’s right,” added Matt, patting Jack good-naturedly on
the shoulder.  “Might be time to move on to easier pickings, my friend.”

“Look, you guys have got her all wrong,” said Jack.  “She’s
not mean, or stuck up, or anything like that.  She’s just… different, is all.”

“I’ll say,” said Chunk.  “She’s the spawn of Shepherd.  Mark
of the beast!  DEVIL CHILD!”  He started flicking his tongue out of his mouth
wildly, trying to look as evil as possible.

“Knock it off,” said Jack, putting a kibosh on Chunk’s fun. 
“She’s nothing like that.  I’m sure that if people just took the time to get to
know her, they’d find that she’s really a great person.”

“Well, someone’s about to find out,” said Peter.

“Huh?’ replied Jack.

Peter nodded his head toward Anna.  “Check it out,” he said.

Jack turned his attention back to Anna.  To his horror, J.C.
Rowdey appeared to be strutting up to her, a big, dumb, cocky grin on his face,
with his cronies cheering him on from their table.

Jack felt the cold grip of terror seize his heart. 
Oh,
no
, he thought. 
Not this; anything but this!

Despite the fact that in Jack’s book, J.C. fell into the
category of “raging jack-hole that no one in his right mind could possibly
like,” he had to admit the guy had a few things going for him.  First of all,
he was good-looking.  Second, his family had a lot of money.  Third, he was
captain of the football team.  Fourth, he was extremely popular.  Combine all
that with the fact that Anna hadn’t been around long enough to actually know
what kind of a creep J.C. was, and suddenly he found himself with the makings
of a very dangerous situation.

With a flourish, J.C. kicked out the empty chair by Anna and
smoothly slid in next to her.  Anna looked up from her book, somewhat surprised
by her new visitor.  J.C. flashed his winning varsity smile, then leaned in and
began talking to her.

“What the heck is he doing?” Jack wondered aloud.

“I heard Marietta Edgecombe say J.C. was going to ask Anna
to the Homecoming dance,” Norma said.

“What!?” exclaimed Jack.  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I dunno,” said Norma innocently.  “Who cares if the
meathead wants to go out with the ice queen?”

“Me!” said Jack.  “
I
was going to ask her to the
dance!”

His friends all chuckled.

“Chillax, hoss,” said Matt reassuringly.  “She’ll probably
turn him down.  Just like she’s turned down every other guy who has tried to
date her.  Just like she’d probably turn you down if you ever found the guts to
ask her out.”

“Thanks,” said Jack sardonically.  “I feel much better now.”

“That’s what friends are for, buddy!” replied Matt with a smile.

Despite the friendly dig at Jack, Matt was right.  There
wasn’t a scenario Jack could imagine in which Anna would ever agree to date
someone like J.C. Rowdey.  And that was somewhat comforting.  But still, Jack
watched from afar with baited breath as J.C. made his move.

It was obvious Anna wanted to go back to eating alone and
reading her book, but J.C. was oblivious to her polite attempts to ignore him. 
Instead, he slithered up beside her, still flapping his lips, and even went so
far as to put his arm around her shoulders.  His dumb meathead face was nuzzled
by her ear as he whispered something to her.

It was apparent that Anna was uncomfortable with the entire
situation.  She gently grabbed J.C.’s hand and pulled his arm off her, said
something to J.C. politely, and then turned her attention back to her book. 
J.C. glanced toward his minions, who were all watching.  Then, he forced a
smile back on his face and put his arm around Anna again.  He pressed on, and
it was clear Anna was growing more and more agitated with his advances.

Jack could feel jealousy and anger well up inside him.  He
could take all the beatings, name calling, and pranks that J.C. tended to dish
out his way.  But moving in on the girl Jack liked… that crossed a line.

 “Someone’s gotta stop this,” said Jack, getting to his
feet, a queer courage suddenly taking hold of him.

Everyone at the table stopped eating and looked up at Jack
in surprise.

“Huh?  Where you goin’?” asked Matt.

“Listen,” said Jack, “You’ve got my back if anything goes
down, right?”

“… I what?” asked Matt, confused.

“If J.C. and his goons throw down, you guys got my back,
right?” said Jack, looking at everyone at the table.

Matt and Chunk exchanged a worried look.

“Oh… yeah.” said Matt, reassuringly.

“Totally,” nodded Chunk.

Jack nodded and made his way toward Anna. After he left,
Chunk turned to Matt.

“Um… are we really going to do anything if Jack starts a
fight?” he asked.

“Are you kidding?” said Matt.  “Those guys would kill us!”

As Jack walked toward Anna, he could feel his heart pounding
and blood pumping behind his ears.  He was scared, there was no doubt about
that, but he wasn’t about to let J.C. push around the girl of his dreams. 
Different scenarios played out in Jack’s mind of how he was going to rescue
Anna from J.C.’s sweaty clutches.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t think of one that
didn’t end with him getting pounded into dust by the hulking upperclassman.