Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet (7 page)

Jack had planned on spending that
night as he spent most of his nights – playing his favorite videogame,
Arena
Deathmatch
, on his most prized possession, a Gamerbox 3000, the newest
generation gaming console there was.

The storyline of
Arena Deathmatch
was a simple one. 
An elite military Special Forces team was kidnapped by aliens and forced to
fight other elite military teams from alien worlds in an arena to decide who the
ultimate warriors of the galaxy were.  Though the single player campaign was a
passable bit of video game fodder, Jack’s true love was playing online against
opponents that were controlled by people, as opposed to the somewhat lacking artificial
intelligence of the Gamerbox 3000.

Indeed, it was a guilty pleasure of Jack’s to run about with
a highly overpowered weapon, blowing up enemies with pinpoint accuracy and wanton
aggression.  To quote one of Jack’s favorite movies, “there is no better
pleasure in life than to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and
hear the lamentations of their women.”  (Jack had no idea what that last part
meant, but it certainly sounded cool!)

Perhaps the thing Jack liked best about the Gamerbox 3000
was the fact that it came with a microphoned headset that would allow him to
actually communicate with the other players he was fighting with in
Arena
Deathmatch
.  This not only allowed Jack’s four-man squad to strategize and
react more quickly during the matches, it also allowed Jack to talk smack to
the opposing team – which, in all reality, was probably the most fun Jack
actually had while playing the game.

Jack had worked two jobs over the summer to save up almost
two-thirds of what he needed to buy his prized Gamerbox 3000 and
Arena
Deathmatch
game.  The rest he’d had to beg from his mother.  Thus, Jack had
been able to finally afford his Gamerbox 3000, which quickly became both a
blessing and a curse. 

It was a blessing because, well, it was totally awesome.  It
gave Jack something to do while his mom was at work and he had nowhere else to
go after school.  Not only that, it was one of the few things Jack actually
felt he was
good
at.  Sit him down in front of a math exam or put a
basketball in his hands, and Jack was completely hopeless.  But pit him against
a squad of alien soldiers with a pistol and a couple of grenades, and he was
almost unstoppable.

Many a night had gone by with Jack chucking his homework
aside in favor of playing a quick session of online deathmatches, which was
partially why his Gamerbox was a curse.  He had promised his mom he’d improve
his grades if she helped him get the console, but, in fact, the opposite had
been occurring.  Jack’s grades had been suffering, and what used to be a
straight “C” average was now teetering perilously close to a “D.”

Rather than studying his American History textbook, Jack
would spend his time pouring over maps of the various Deathmatch arenas on the
internet, learning where all the weapon drops and resurrection points were. 
He’d learn which weapons were best to kill which enemies, as opposed to writing
that science paper that was due the next day.  And, of course, he’d take on all
online challengers until the wee hours of the morning, which was the reason he
was so prone to oversleeping, and thus, being late for school.

In fact, Jack had spent so much time playing
Arena
Deathmatch
that he now ranked in the top 10 of competitors on the online
scoreboard, boasting an impressive 2,374,898 points, with a record of 5,689
wins, and 76 losses.  His exact ranking was number two, being bested out of the
top spot by his online arch-nemesis, some kid from Korea known to him only as H8daPlya,
the boy’s online screen name.

Because of his high ranking, two things tended to happen.  A
lot of the best online players wanted to team up with him, and a lot of the
best online players wanted to beat him.  This led to Jack taking the game very
seriously – not just so he wouldn’t let down his teammates who looked to him
for leadership during their battles, but also so he could completely destroy
the opposing team.  If there were one thing that could be said about Jack Finnegan,
it was that he absolutely
hated
to lose.

When Jack had gotten home from school that day, he had found
a note from his mom.  She had pulled yet another double shift at work but had
come home long enough to fix Jack some beef stew and garlic bread for his
dinner before heading out again.  One of the waitresses at the Fox Hole Diner where
she worked had given birth not too long ago, leaving them short-handed, so Jack’s
mother had been picking up the slack.  This meant that there was no one around
to force Jack to do his homework when he got home, which was fine by him.  His
mom typically worked nights, so Jack had gotten used to being on his own for
the most part, but the call of
Arena Deathmatch
had made the time he
spent alone seem to fly by, for which Jack was grateful.

However, in an attempt to keep his promise to improve his
grades, Jack tried reading the three chapters of his English class assignment,
but there was only so much he could take of old British people talking about
how much they wanted to get married if it weren’t for the fact that one person
was a peasant and the other person was rich, or royalty, or something stupid
like that. If schools really wanted kids to learn, why did they insist on
picking books that were so boring and had absolutely nothing to do with
something real people would experience in their lives?  It wasn’t long before
Arena
Deathmatch
was beckoning him, and he tossed aside the stuffy old novel for
a romp on the lava arena of Brimstone 6.

Each Deathmatch consisted of five rounds.  The team who won
the best of five was declared the winner, and the only way to win the round was
to kill all the opposing team members before all your team members were
killed.  Jack’s team had just won a close fourth round against a very
competitive clan, tieing the score, and his teammates now had one minute to
strategize in their online lobby before the next round started.

“I’m telling you guys,” Jack said, speaking into his
headset, “they have no rearguard.  The team leader always goes for the rocket
launcher in sector twelve first, which leaves them open to a flanking attack
from behind.”

“But if they get the Rocket Launcher first, we’re toast,”
said Jack’s teammate, KalSchoolz2 (Jack had no idea what his real name was).

“Not if we flip the second lava trap.  That’ll cut him off
from the rest of his teammates and allow us to pick them off while he’s stuck
on the lower platform.  I don’t care if he’s got the rocket launcher or not.  It
won’t do him any good if his team is dead and we have the high ground.”

“I don’t know,” chimed in Bill, a.k.a. “GhostSlaya95,” a
frequent teammate of Jack’s who sounded like he was way too old to still be
playing video games.  “Sounds awful risky.”

“Hey, you wanna win this match or not?” said Jack.  “It’ll
work.  Trust me.  These losers will never know what hit them!  They’re gonna be
crying like little babies after we’re done with them.  We’re gonna unman them
so hard, they’ll have to take up tea parties and macramé in their spare time. 
We’re gonna spank them so bad, we’re gonna leave handprints on their–”

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door.  Jack turned,
startled.  It was nine o’clock at night, who’d be visiting him this late?

“Hey, guys,” he said, “hold on a sec.   Someone’s at the
door.”

“Hurry, we only have about 30 seconds before the next match,”
said Bill.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make it quick,” said Jack as he got up
and tossed off his headset.

Jack bounded to the door and opened it up expecting to see a
salesman of some type, an overly ambitious Girl Scout, or his mom coming home
early, only to discover she had forgotten her keys.

Instead, he saw Anna Shepherd standing on his front steps.

Had it instead been Bigfoot, a scary man in a hockey mask,
or some type of crazy dancing Leprechaun, Jack was pretty sure he would have
been less surprised than he was at that very moment.

“Hi,” said Anna, smiling.

“Anna, it’s so great to see you!” is what Jack would have
liked to have said, but unfortunately his mouth wasn’t quite working in sync
with his brain at that moment, so all he could squeeze out was a passable:

“Uh… uh… um… hi?”

The dumbfounded look on Jack’s face must have been obvious,
since the smile on Anna’s disappeared.  “Did… did I come at a bad time?”

For a split second, Jack thought about his Deathmatch clock
ticking down, but then, he thought of the real live girl standing in front of
him and how the two simply did not compare, on any level, ever in the history
of time, space, and all that was holy.  “No!  No, not at all, I was just… ah…
working out.”

“Really?” said Anna suspiciously, her lovely smile now back.

“Yeah, you know… I like to stay in shape.  I’m up to
benching 200 now.  It’s pretty awesome.”

“That’s very impressive,” said Anna.

“I know, right?  You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but
I’m… ripped.”

At that, Anna laughed.  That made Jack laugh.  And then
after the laughing, an awkward silence descended upon the two like a smelly
fart neither wanted to acknowledge.

Invite her in!  Invite her in!  Invite her in, fool!
was
the thought that ran through Jack’s brain... followed by images of dirty dishes
over-flowing in the sink, dirty clothes littered all over his room, and a
sneaking suspicion he had forgotten to flush the toilet after he’d last used
it.

“Would you, like, excuse me for just two seconds?” Jack
asked.

“Oh, uh… sure,” said Anna.

“Just give me two seconds,” smiled Jack.  “Don’t go
anywhere, okay?  Be back in a jiff…” and with that, he closed the door and
frantically went to work trying to make the place passable. 

He flushed the toilet, kicked all his clothes under his bed,
and threw a towel over the dishes in the sink.  All too late, he saw that his Deathmatch
had started, and the bloody letters “YOU LOSE” were painted across the screen
as he had just been fragged by the other team’s rocket launcher, but for some
reason at this moment, he didn’t care about the match.  He had Anna waiting for
him.

Jack swung the door back open, and sure enough, Anna was
still waiting patiently outside.

“Would you like to come in?” Jack asked, trying to act as
smooth as possible, yet slightly out of breath.

Anna hesitated.  “I’m sorry for dropping in like this so
unexpectedly,” she said.  “You said you keep you nights open, but… I guess I
shouldn’t have taken that so literally.”

“No!” said Jack.  “No, I’m glad you’re here.  I just… well,
I wanted to tidy the place up a bit before you came in, is all.”

“That’s… very sweet of you,” said Anna.  “But, I - I think I
should probably go.  I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Oh… uh, okay,” said Jack.

Anna turned and began to walk away.  Jack suddenly noticed
that his throat was tight, as if it were closing up to keep his heart from
jumping up out of his chest.  The girl of his dreams had shown up, and now she
was leaving.  For some reason, the image of his Deathmatch game popped into his
head, with the words “YOU LOSE” painted in blood on the screen.  And suddenly,
Jack remembered how much he
hated
to lose.

“Wait,” he said, so forcefully he startled even himself.

Anna stopped and turned toward him.  Jack stepped out of the
trailer and approached her.

“Was it the trailer park?” he asked.  “Did you take one look
at this place and realize what a loser I am?”

Anna’s eyes grew wide in surprise.  “No!  No, not at all!  I
don’t think you’re a loser.”

“Then why’d you come all this way just to turn around and leave?”
he asked.

“I – I just…”Anna looked as though she were struggling to
figure out what to say.  Jack couldn’t help but think she looked even more
beautiful when she was confused and flustered. “I guess I just got to thinking
about what you said to me before… and I decided that ever since I’d gotten
here… well, I hadn’t really had all that much fun.”

Jack flashed his best smile and said, “Well, that’s because
you haven’t been hanging out with me!”

At that, Anna smiled.  “I guess that just might be true.”

“So why would you want to ruin it by walking away now?” asked
Jack.  “Especially after I went through all the trouble of planning out, like,
the funnest night
ever
for us.”

Anna raised an eyebrow.  “You already planned out an evening
for me?”

“Yeah, I’m quick like that,” said Jack, smiling. “So what do
you say?”

Anna looked at Jack, her blue eyes seemed to sparkle despite
it being dark outside, and Jack’s heart felt like it stopped beating in the
breath it took for her to answer him.

“I guess it depends,” she finally replied.  “What do you
have planned?”

Jack could finally breathe again.  “Well, are you hungry? 
Because I know this great place with incredible food that I can, like, totally
afford.”

Anna cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brow.  “Ah,
sorry.  I don’t like food.”

“Oh… uh, okay… that’s not a problem…” said Jack, slightly
confused.  A great deal of his hastily formed plan had a lot to do with food.

“Jack,” said Anna with a smile, “I’m joking.”

Jack raised his eyebrows.  “Of course you’re joking!  I knew
that.  Who doesn’t like food, right?  I was worried we might have a problem
because I’m a big fan of food, but since you’re joking, crisis averted.  And
it’s a good thing I did not take you seriously for one instant, because
otherwise you’d never get to experience the culinary joy which is the 24-hour
burger shack located just down the street.”