Ella Finds Love Again (20 page)

“Really fast!” Mary exclaimed, bouncing up on a kitchen chair. “I want to eat now.”

“Then we’d better get all of you some food,” Ella said. “I had Joe and Ronda down for breakfast, but I made plenty extra just for you. So why don’t you girls sit still, and you can eat oatmeal while I make more eggs and bacon.”

“I heard about them losin’ their baby,” Ivan said, taking a kitchen chair as if he felt at home. “Is she okay?”

Ella nodded. “She came home from the hospital yesterday.”

Ella sat Barbara in her high chair and quickly dished out oatmeal for the girls, adding sugar and milk.

If she had been alone, she would have told the girls to start eating—that they could pray when she had the rest of breakfast ready. With Ivan here, she sat down before giving the girls their spoons and waited. He bowed his head, and the girls followed suit.

“Amen,” Ivan said moments later.

His spirits must really be down for a prayer done without words. As a preacher he knows them all by heart,
she thought.

He was waiting silently now, his eyes following Ella while she fried the eggs and bacon.

In an effort to comfort him, Ella smiled his way.

He blushed, fiery streaks rushing up his neck. He kept his gaze focused on the table until she was done and had taken her seat again.

“You eat the oatmeal that’s left,” he said. “Toast, eggs, and bacon are enough for me.”

“I could squeeze some oranges. Would you like that?”

He shook his head. “I’m okay, and I have to get back to the farm.”

Ella had eaten with Joe and Ronda, but she prepared another piece of toast. Despite his words, Ivan seemed in no hurry to leave. Nor did he seem ready to talk of his troubles. Perhaps the girls were what kept him silent.

When the girls were finished, Ella quickly got them down and set them playing with dolls in the bedroom area, although she hooked the curtain open so she could check on them. Their enthusiasm was fresh after being gone for the weekend.

She sat back down across the table from Ivan. Perhaps she should ask, but
nee
, it might be best not to. Ivan might only be wanting some company.

“Bishop Miller was over last night,” he said, not clearing his throat or raising his voice.

“Yah, I’m not surprised.”

“They’re talking about the trouble I’m in.” Ivan looked up, his eyes a haze of pain.

“Ivan, this is so unfair!” Ella rose from her chair, anger running through her. “Why are they doing this to you?”

Mary glanced her way, alarm on her face.

Ella quickly sat down and lowered her voice. “This is just too much. And so quickly. Why?”

“I guess to them it’s serious,” Ivan said, keeping his gaze down.

“This is so wrong!” Ella’s eyes blazed. “So very wrong to make such a big issue out of this. I wish there was something I could do.”

“Don’t drag yourself into this mess with me, please. I’m just thankful now that you didn’t accept my offer of marriage. That will help you with the bishop.”

“Ivan, don’t say that!” Ella said.

Mary looked her way again.

“You know what this means for us though?”

How different this breakfast was from when Joe and Ronda had been here. The peace was gone in less than an hour.

“I dreamed of her again last night,” Ivan said, his voice a whisper.

“Lois?” she asked, already certain of the answer.

He nodded. “Sometimes I think it would be easier to just leave this world.”

“Ivan, you’re not serious?” Ella said, grabbing his hand. “You wouldn’t?”

That evoked a small smile. “No, not by my own hand, but I would join her gladly if I could.”

“Ivan, you must not speak so. Think of the girls, if nothing else. They need you.”

“Ella, tell me. What do you think I should do?” His anguished eyes were questioning.

“Can’t you smooth things over? Talk your way out of this? You
are
a preacher.”

He laughed again, the sound hollow.

“You could try. There must be some way. Can’t you see you’re playing into Bishop Miller’s hand?”

“Playing?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

The depth of his agony startled her.

“I’m dead serious,” he said.

“I didn’t mean that,” Ella said, tightening her fingers on his hand. “Ivan, the truth is I think he’s trying to break us up. That’s what all this is really about.”

Ivan laughed heartily. “How like a woman! Such imagination. In that, you remind me of Lois.”

Obviously Ivan didn’t believe her. “But, Ivan, at least think about it. Look at how Bishop Miller keeps going after you over such small things, such as your change in preaching style and your reading anti-tobacco articles. Just don’t do anything, and these things might blow over quickly. The bishop can’t make this more than it is. And if he does, surely the leaders ought to give you a chance to…repent.”

“I’ve thought of that.” He sighed. “That is, if I am willing to repent.”

“But you must be. For your sake and for the girls.”

Ivan smiled. “It’s not in me to acquiesce, Ella. It really isn’t. Let them do what they want. I am tired of the whole thing. I’m very tired.”

“This must be an awful time for you in ways I can’t imagine.”

“I must be clear though.” He paused. “About you and me, there must be no agreement of any kind until this is cleared up. I don’t want you giving or deciding anything out of obligation. You are a wonderful woman, Ella, and I will not mar your life in any way.”

“But Ivan…”

“Yah,” he said, raising his hand. “That is how it will be. And if Bishop Miller asks, I will tell him so.”

“It will make no difference. Not if he’s doing this for the reasons I think.”

Ivan smiled, his face weary. “I wouldn’t imagine things, Ella. We have enough real troubles to deal with. If you continue taking care of my girls, I’m more than satisfied for now. It’s the lonely hours at the house that are the worst. Even with the girls around. Your supper the other night meant so much. You have no idea how much.”

“Then I will always bring you supper and eat with you,” she said, stroking his arm.

His laugh caught her by surprise. “You must do no such thing. I’ve always been unworthy of you, and of Lois too, for that matter. This just proves it again, but…
nee
. I will walk the path
Da Hah
has chosen for me. Alone. That you care will be enough.”

He met her eyes, the pain a whirlpool sucking in the light.

“It’s just not right,” Ella whispered again.

“Yet
Da Hah
allows it. Are we to question Him?”

“Don’t act so defeated. We can always do something.”

Ivan stood. “I really must go. Farm work awaits.”

“Ivan, the farm can wait. We’re not done talking yet.”

Ivan continued toward the door, and Ella followed in resignation. She opened the door for him. He nodded and went up the stairs, each step heavy in the snow. Ella waited beside the door, watching through the glass until he drove out the driveway.

Twenty-four

E
lla washed the breakfast dishes slowly, giving herself time to think. The water had grown cold, but she didn’t notice.
How did all this
come about? Why did Ivan seem so resigned? Oh, if he would only fight—only exert himself. He is a preacher after all. And what can I do except express my outrage privately?

A new thought gripped her.
What if this is leading to excommunication for Ivan?
Nee,
how could it? Surely Ivan would repent before that could happen. Even then, the church would have to vote on it.
And her dissenting vote would be discounted because she was Ivan’s intended. Would anyone else have the courage to vote against Bishop Miller and perhaps their home bishop—if it ever came to that? Excommunication damned a man’s soul—at least that was what she’d always been told.

Ella shivered.
Surely Ivan wouldn’t be excommunicated. Things couldn’t really go that far over the little they had against Ivan, could they? No wonder he has dark rings under his eyes.

Would it spur Ivan to action if she persisted about her suspicions? What if she went into more detail? Yet he had already discounted her theory out of hand. And what if Ivan learned that her heart’s defenses had been breached by another man—an
Englisha
man at that?

Ella took a deep breath. Was she ready to admit such a thing? That she was attracted to another man?

“There’s someone here,” Mary said, her voice cheerful.

“Who is it?” Ella asked. Surely it was Mamm or perhaps Dora coming to visit. She hadn’t seen her parents since the funeral—and Dora and Clara longer than that. How like
Da Hah
to send someone on this dreary, sorrowful morning to bring hope her way. She wiped her wet hands on the towel, the rest of the dishes forgotten.

“It’s a man,” Mary sang out.

“A man?” Ella repeated. She peeked out the frosty window to catch a faint glimpse of an Amish man. Before she could open the door with a smile, she realized the identity of the visitor and recoiled backward.

She managed to open the door. “Mr. Hayes?” she said.

“Yes. You remembered.”

“Why are you here?” she blurted.

He smiled from ear to ear. “Is this how an Amish woman greets a guest?” He looked as innocent as a newborn calf just weaned from its mother.

“That depends on who the guest is,” Ella countered, struggling to remain calm.
He can’t know Bishop Miller is using him
, she thought.
Perhaps the bishop even sent him to me today.

“You’ve gone white,” he said as he smiled. “But no need. I’m not a ghost, you know.”

“I’m
not
scared.” Ella trembled.

Behind Ella, Mary said, “She’s our mamm.”

“So soon?” Robert said, laughing. “Was there a wedding? Did I miss the invitation? I just saw you Sunday, didn’t I? And there was no man along then.”

“Are you always this obnoxious?”

“Ah, now that’s a big word for an Amish lady. But Bishop Miller did say you are an intelligent woman.”

The mention of the bishop unnerved her. “Exactly what do you want, Mr. Hayes?”

“Now, now, take it easy. Aren’t we in Amish land, where tempers are supposedly kept low?”

She swept her eyes up and down his clothing, taking in the suspenders, the shirt, the broadfall pants. They were perfect, even down to his haircut.
How in the world has he managed that? By the conniving of Bishop Miller, that’s how.
Rage swept through her. “What do you want?” she repeated, spitting the words out.

He shrugged, seemingly unaffected by her foul temper. “Here I leave you just a short time ago with kind words, good intentions, and even tell you what I plan to do. You gave me the best advice I could have received—to meet with Bishop Miller—and now I return to the sound of fury and anger. My, my, how you’ve changed.”

How did he do it? Worse, how did
she
manage to feel any sense of attraction to the man even now? He was a total mass of contradictions. Perhaps another line of attack would work better.

“Okay,” she said, smiling slightly. “What is it that you want on this fine morning?”

“That’s much better, and it becomes you more,” he said.

He’s a little smug,
she thought.
Where does this man get his confidence?

If he wasn’t so innocent and being used by the bishop, she’d ask him to leave now, regardless of how much her heart was pounding.

“Just tell me what you want,” she said again.

“Well, seeing the welcome I’ve gotten so far, perhaps I should leave.”

She looked at him. The man was teasing, and she was sorely tempted to agree that he leave immediately, but instead she smiled. “It’s cold out there. Would you like to come in for a minute?”

“That’s better. Much more like the woman I remember,” he said as he entered.

After closing the door, she asked, “Would you get to the point?” She hoped her voice didn’t reveal her agitation.

“Well, there’s this thing called Pennsylvania Dutch, which you people speak. Apparently if I wish to join, I have to learn it.”

“You didn’t know this before? I told you that you’d need to learn the language.”

“So you did. No…er…
nee,
I’m not really surprised. But Bishop Miller says I’ll learn faster with a teacher. He suggested you might be interested. For hire, of course.”

“
Me!
”

He tilted his head. “Am I that awful that you won’t teach me?”

“
Nee
, of course not. But…”

“I would like it very much if you would consent. More than you know.”

“But…,” she said again, grasping for an excuse. Why, oh why had
Da Hah
sent her this reminder of what her feelings for Aden had been like? Was that not cruelty piled upon cruelty?

“I pay good money.”

“I’m seeing Ivan Stutzman. You do know that?”

“I know.” He dropped his eyes for the first time. “It’s none of my business, of course. But for your comfort level, Bishop Miller informed me that since you have tenants upstairs he would personally give his blessing to this arrangement. He said it would not be inappropriate. And I go by what he says. He sounds like a pretty important bishop to me. He’s sure been good to me. Taught me to drive a buggy…even lent me his to come over here in.”

Ella managed to nod, searching desperately for her voice. “You asked the bishop about me?”

“I didn’t need to ask. He mentioned you himself.”

Ella’s mind raced. Should she allow this—even with Bishop Miller’s blessing? Of course this had his blessing, but for his own reasons. How brazen of him, to send Robert straight into her home.

“I don’t know,” she said, her emotions clouding her judgment.

Then clarity came suddenly, like a sunbeam breaking through the clouds.
Why not play along?
She knew the bishop would never have her hand, even with this unseemly scheme of his. Eventually, everything would be made known. Robert might feel hurt, but he was a man. He could handle it. And although she hated to admit it, she
wanted
time with him. She didn’t want to evaluate or think anymore about whether he planned to stay Amish or ask a thousand other questions. She wanted to be with him. She felt guilty about it…even sorry, but there it was.