Embracing Change (19 page)

She told Jade the news over breakfast. “I almost wish I didn’t know. The nightmares have decreased dramatically since you started praying me through them and I was beginning to feel more like the old Sarah.”

“You have to stand strong, Sarah. Don’t let it get to you. Don’t let it eat away at you.” Jade gave her a hug as she grabbed her lunch and headed out to work. “I’ll be praying for you.”

Sarah had some toast and orange juice and then returned to her bedroom. Her desk was full of printouts and brochures but she had no heart for them.
I’m ahead of schedule. I’ll go for a walk … in fact, I’ll call Joel and see if I can take Shelley out.

He answered on the second ring. “That’s a great idea. You know where the spare key is, and her leash is on my bedroom floor. I was in a hurry this morning so please ignore the mess.”

“Are you on a photo shoot?”

“Kid’s summer fashions. I must say they’re really cute.”

Sarah heard someone calling him in the background.

“I’ll have to go—thanks for taking Shelley out. I might catch you later.”

As predicted, the Labrador was overjoyed to see Sarah and pushed her nose into her hand. “Ok, girl. We just have to get your leash, then we’ll go down to the park.”

She walked down the passage and pushed open the door to Joel’s bedroom. It was a mess, just as he’d said; bedcovers strewn on the floor and dirty underwear in a heap. She sat down on the bed, and then lay down for a minute, remembering the day she’d slept in it. His pillows smelt masculine and the spicy scent of cologne hung in the air.

Sarah buried her face in the sheets, then thought of the fatal kiss that had changed everything. The bitterness she’d been struggling with all morning intensified.
Life is so unfair. It makes no difference whether I pray or not. Nothing turns out well for me.

She pushed herself up. “Come on, Shelley.” As they walked down the passage, she couldn’t resist peeping into his workroom, just to see the photos on the wall again. They were still there, a tribute to his amazing gift, and she examined them, soaking in the nuances of colour and fine detail.

Then she noticed one that had meant nothing to her before; a professional shot of Mandy in a ball gown. The picture was washed with gold and she looked like an angel, with her hair piled up and roses scattered around her feet. She knew Mandy fancied Joel and suspected it was mutual. The photo was further confirmation. He wouldn’t keep her on the wall if he didn’t have some attraction towards her.

“Come on, Shelley.” She strode out of the house and broke into a jog as they reached the park, feet pounding, discontent growing.
I don’t stand a chance. She’s beautiful, a local girl, the right height for him. Well they can have each other. I might even look for another place to stay. Might even go home to South Africa
.

She knew she was being irrational. In recent weeks, her parents had hinted they were considering emigrating to New Zealand themselves. If she did go back, it would just be for a visit.

She ran and ran, with Shelley panting next to her, and was exhausted by the time she flopped onto a park bench. “Life is so unfair,” she announced to the trees. “Why can’t things be simple?”

An hour later she limped up Joel’s driveway and poured fresh water into Shelley’s outside bowl. The dog whined and pushed her head into Sarah’s knees. “You might not see me for a while,” Sarah whispered. She knelt down and embraced the dog. “Your owner has another girl. He kisses me, tells me he has feelings for me, but I think he still likes her.”

She unlocked the house and took the leash back to Joel’s room, where she tossed it onto the floor. She knew it was childish, but it felt good.

It was late evening when Joel arrived at the girls’ house. Sarah opened the door and he walked in. “How was your day?”

“If you’re looking for Mandy, she’s gone out with Trisha.”

Joel stopped in his tracks. “What?”

“Mandy’s not here.”

His face reflected confusion. “I came to see you. You sounded a bit down this morning.”

“They’ve captured Dlamini,” she said flatly. “He’s back in jail.”

“Well, that’s good news, isn’t it?”

“He was arrested trying to hijack another vehicle. The owner was an off-duty policeman and Dlamini killed him.”

“I’m sorry, Sarah.” Understanding filled Joel’s voice. “It’s brought back memories hasn’t it?”

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

“Let’s go sit down.” He gestured to the lounge but made no attempt to touch her, the way he used to.

“There’s no point in life,” she said, as they sat in separate chairs. “What good has it done me coming here? He still controls my feelings from thousands of kilometres away.”

Joel leaned forward. “He doesn’t have to. I’ve told you that before.”

“You never lost a fiancé did you?”

“No, but if I did, I wouldn’t let it destroy me.”

Sarah felt hot tears running down her cheeks. “You have no idea, do you?”

“Actually, I do. You’re running from God and allowing bitterness and unforgiveness to control you.”

“Unforgiveness for what?”

“At God for allowing Luke to die. At yourself for shouting at Dlamini. At me for kissing you.”

Sarah exploded in a rage. “You think you’re so perfect! You think that kiss was so important that it still affects me?”

Joel stood and moved across to her chair. “It still affects me, Sarah.” He reached out and pulled her up by the hand. “I show my feelings through touch. Why do you think I keep my distance from you? It’s because of what you do to me; the feelings you stir up.” He pulled her to his chest. “I only want the best for you, Sarah and that’s why I tell you these things. You need to let God into your life. Not just a bit here and a bit there, but wholeheartedly.”

She stood stiff and unyielding. “God can’t love me with my heart full of bitterness.”

“Of course He can. He loves you more than you can ever comprehend. The Bible says we are the apple of His eye; that we are chosen by Him.”

Sarah shook her head.

“I’ll write the verses down for you and also some about forgiveness. I think that’s your big problem. You need to forgive Dlamini and you need to forgive yourself.”

Sarah pulled back, resisting Joel’s embrace even while longing for more. “I hate Dlamini. I will
never
forgive him for what he did!”

“Oh, Sarah, that unforgiveness will cripple you. Don’t let it control you anymore.” He gently pulled her close again, guiding her head onto his shoulder. “I’m going to pray for you, and then you need to go to bed and relax. You’re all wound up, aren’t you?”

He closed his eyes. “Father, I bring Sarah to You tonight. You see the fresh pain this news has caused her, and maybe that’s good. Maybe You want her to face up to the situation and deal with it once and for all. Give her ears to hear what You’re saying tonight. Help her to accept the truth and act on it. I ask for a peaceful night’s sleep and a new perspective on life tomorrow. Most of all, I ask that she sees You for who You are.”

Sarah felt her resolve weakening, her muscles relaxing in Joel’s embrace.

“That’s better,” he said, his voice tender.

She allowed her head to fall onto his chest and listened to his heart beating through the fabric of his shirt; breathed in the scent of soap and water and sundried washing.

Chapter Twenty Six

Christmas in Christchurch is magical. I am amazed at the celebrations, the lights and colours that overflow the city. Gold and silver, red and green and a frosting of white.

From the journal of Sarah Johnson

Saturday 29th November

The girls had been talking about Christmas in the Park for weeks. “We always go as a big group from church,” Jade told her, excitement evident in exhuberant hand gestures. “It’s held in Hagley Park and over a hundred thousand people gather every year.”

“Where do they all sit?”

“You take your own blankets and folding chairs, plus a picnic basket with drinks and snacks.”

“It sounds like fun.”

“You have no idea how much. It’s normally held in late November, and they use top class entertainers from across New Zealand.”

Mandy looked up from painting her nails. “I hope I’m not working that night.”

“Take a day’s leave,” Trisha suggested. “That way you’ll be sure.”

Sarah thought back on their conversation as they picked their way through the thousands thronging the venue in Hagley Park. The event started at 8pm, but by seven o’clock the streets were lined with streams of people walking to the park, laden with chairs and baskets, children laughing and shouting as they scampered beside their parents.

Joel was up front with some of the other guys, looking for a spot with a good view that was big enough to accommodate them all. They eventually settled on a patch of grass to the left of the stage and three blocks back. Sarah helped Jade lay out some blankets, and noted how they made a patchwork of red plaid and yellow swirls against green lawns.

Some of the girls had folding chairs but Jade and Sarah flopped onto the blankets with the guys. “This is awesome,” she commented to Jade. “I can’t believe how many people are here.”

The girls unpacked the baskets and handed around paper cups and plates. Joel held a cup in the air, examining Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. “A girl must have bought these. Just look at them!”

The good-natured ribbing continued as bags of crisps were handed round, and plastic boxes of sandwiches and cupcakes.

“What do you think of the stage?” Jade folded her legs as she sat up.

“I love it. I haven’t felt so Christmassy since I was a little girl.”

“The first half is performed during daylight, then at 9pm they have a fifteen minute break. It’s dark by then, and they start the second half by lighting the Christmas tree.”

The entertainment kicked off with a display of Maori dancing, and the
Haka
, a traditional war dance performed by the All Blacks before international rugby games. “I get cold shivers watching that,” Sarah whispered as the men stomped on the stage, ferocious cries echoing across the silent audience. “It’s much more powerful than watching it on TV.”

Jade nodded. “We learnt to do some of the dances as part of Maori lessons at school. They’re quite cool.”

Sarah settled back as the concert got underway. Joel was sitting three blankets away and she wished he was closer to her.
Concentrate on the show!
she chided herself.

It was an extravagant blend of dance, music, song and orchestra, all top class, as Jade had predicted. Some of it was Christmas music, but it also included snatches from stage shows and popular children’s movies. She was surprised when the MC announced it was time for a fifteen minute break. “And then, ladies and gentlemen, the show will continue in style.” He bowed to ripples of applause before disappearing into the wings.

“Anyone for a walk?” Joel rolled across the blankets towards the girls.

Mandy had already gone off on her own and Jade and Trisha shook their heads.

He turned to Sarah. “What about you?”

She nodded. “I’ll come. I need to stretch my legs.”

“Sweet as.”

She wondered what frame of mind he was in. Over the last few weeks he had been more his normal self, but she still suspected he was attracted to Mandy.

He offered a hand to pull her up and then told her to keep close as they entered the mass of humanity surging towards the portaloos. “Try and keep left and we’ll go grab a drink.” The queue was long and Joel chatted as they waited. “Do they put on events like this in South Africa?”

“Not really. You’ll get a few private functions that are quite extravagant, but nothing on this sort of scale. The closest I’ve seen is Carols by Candlelight in Johannesburg and that was only a couple of thousand.”

“And do people decorate their homes with lights?”

“You see the occasional one, but it’s not a big thing. They’re trying to save electricity anyway. Even before I left, they were having regular power cuts.”

“Why?” asked Joel.

“Brain drain—too many professionals leaving the country, not enough maintenance on the sub-stations, and not enough power to supply the masses.”

“I can’t imagine,” Joel said as he turned to order their drinks. “Two hot chocolates please.”

Sarah took the paper cup from him and they started working their way back to their friends. “The first item after the interval is
O Holy Night
,” Joel said as they shuffled along. “Have you ever really listened to the words of the old carols? Some of them are incredibly powerful.”

Sarah thought for a moment. She’d always associated Christmas with jolly red Santas and snow, and baby Jesus and the nativity story were somehow mixed up as part of the fairytale. “I haven’t,” she answered, “but I’ll listen carefully this evening.”