Emerge (8 page)

             
“Ok, can I still call you tonight?” 

             
“No
,
”
I said
with the most serious face I could muster. 

             
“You have gone over your Jenna quota for the day.
You are dismissed.
” 

             
He laughed out loud, louder than I’ve ever heard before
,
and it was the most glorious sound I had ever heard. 

             
I laughed in return and he said
,
“You need to up my limits then, because I’m planning on meeting my Jenna quota every day I can.” 

             
Leaving me melting on my porch steps he turned and
got
in his car, started it and then motioned me with a smile
and a waving hand
to go in the house. 

             
I complied and when I had shut the door he put his car into gear and sped away.  I collapsed against the old broken backdoor with the duct tape window and sat there for a half an hour just smiling like
my world was complete.  I buried my eyes into the palms of my hands and finally admitted to myself the truth. “I love him, even if he doesn’t love me.  Loving him is enough.”

Chapter 8

             
I went through my routine of work, homework and a Ramen noodle soup dinner.  We didn’t confirm what time he would call, b
ut I was a ball of nervous, excited energy.  I showered and took up temporary residence by the phone. 
Yeah, I’ve progressed passed moron and onto obsessive, sit by the phone and wait moron.  Nice. 
I lost myself in a new book about a boy who was an Ace trying to find his significant other.  I was entranced by it.  So much so that when the phone rang I threw the book in the air and then had to “Air Raid” until I made sure it wasn’t going to impale me. It plunked on the floor beside me
and I picked it up and
marked my page with a bookmark.  I checked the caller id and it was a local number
, the same number as the night before
.  I took a deep breath and
put my hands out in front of my
palms down pushing downward trying to move the nervousness away.  It didn’t work. 

             
“Hello
,
” I said it so cool.  I was getting good at this. 

             
“Hey you
,
” he said. 

             
OK
, never
mind
…he was the
epitome
of cool.

             
He continued, “What are you doing?”

             
“
Um, I was reading.” I really needed to work on not saying ‘um’. 

             
He groaned, “I hate reading.  When I have to read a book for school I read
the beginning and then the end and guess about the rest.
” 

             
I laughed and answered
,
“
Well, reading is my crack.”

             
He laughed, “
Ahhh
, well, good to know.” 

             
All of the sudden my brave girl surfaced and I started, “Can I ask you a question?”

             
He chuckled and answered
,
“Of course
,
J, ask me anything.”

             
I cleared my throat and asked “When I first came to Drama class and told you that I had been transferred there you said that made things easier for you. What did you mean by that?”

             
He was quiet way too long and I glanced at the caller id and saw that the call was still active. 

             
“I um….well...I saw you last semester.  You were walking between the Administration building and the Commons Area and ever since then I’ve been trying to find you again. 
I saw you once through the gate.  You were walking towards the bus stop and I walked around the fence but it was too late, you were boarding the bus.  So, what I meant was
…
you being in Drama
was
easier for me than trying to chase you around all the time.” 

             
I replied the onl
y way my throat would let me
. 
“
Oh”

             
There was a long pause…longer than the one that superseded this one. 

             
“Oh
,
man…I’m scaring you right?
  I’m telling you too much.  I basically just confessed that I’m a stalker.” 

             
He let out a violent “whoosh” of breath and it sounded in the phone like someone blowing in a microphone. 

             
“No…it’s not that.  I just…until just now I thought I was doing a really good job at not being noticed.” 

             
He laughed out loud again and it washed over my soul like a cool breeze. 

             
“Well, apparently it didn’t work on me.”

             
I laughed
,
too
,
and my own free laughter
surprised me. We talked about everything and I yawned
a
little too loudly when it had reached just after 10:00. 

             
“Hey,” he said “I’
m sorry;
we’ve been on the phone for hours.  You probably need to get some sleep.”

             
I laughed. “Me?  You, you need to get some sleep.”
 

             
He chuckled. “Yeah, I kinda do. But I wanted to see if you wanted to go see a movie Friday night.” 

             
I answered without thinking.
“
Yeah, what time?” 

             
He let out a breath and then answered, “How about I just pick you up at 6 and then we can check the movie times and then walk around until it starts?” 

             
“OK, I just have to ask my parents when they get home. But I’m 18 so they can’t really say ‘No’ right?”  I laughed
,
but he didn’t.

             
“Well, ask them when they get back.  I’ll see
you tomorrow, ok?  Sleep tight and make sure you lock the doors and everything.
” 

             
“Yeah, you
,
too,” I hung up the phone and my blissful mood was soured. 

             
My hand was still on the receiver and stayed there while I thought this through.
The feeling of doom
creeped
up my spine like a black virus.

             
Are they gonna pitch a fit? They don’t even speak to me, why would they care? I’m
18,
they can’t stop me though, right? I’ve always done everything they asked me to.  I make good grades.  Why wouldn’t they? I have to date sometime right?

             
All of the sudden I heard a car in the driveway. 
I sped as quickly as I could to
my bedroom, jumped into the bed, and pretended the best I could that I was asleep. 
             
Someone came in and put May to bed and then I heard various bathroom noises and talking and then their bedroom door closed.  I slowly let out the breath that I had been holding for what seemed like an hour and let myself relax.  I decided that I wouldn’t obsess about the what
-
ifs and focused only on this
newfound feeling of wholeness and serenity.

Chapter 9

             
The next morning was routine.  I got up, got dressed in an old French Quarter t shirt and jeans and of course my Chucks.  Everyone was asleep and I crept out quietly and got to school. 

             
School was normal school.  I forced myself, again, to pay attention just to stop myself from thinking about him every 5 seconds.  I walked finally to Drama and there was a note on the theater door that said “End of the Year Party in Classroom”. 

             
I turned around and started back the way I came.  I entered the classroom last and went directly to a seat in the back corner.  As soon as I did Mr. Escobar was clapping his hands in a gesture to gain the class’ attention.  Everyone stopped talking and faced forward.  I let my eyes wander and found the pair of eyes I wished most to see. 
He was watching the Mr. Escobar as he flailed his hands about as he went on and on about the success of the play and how “wonderful” it was.  Carlos was paying attention, but his knee was bouncing, a sign I now recognized as either boredom or nervousness.  I leaned my face in my palm and tried not to be so obvious about looking at him.  I commanded my eyes to stay on the flamboyant Mr. Escobar as he gushed with praises on our mediocre performances. 

             
He finally finished and I allowed my eyes to wander back to him.  Now he was mimicking my posture but looking directly at me alm
ost as a silent plea for me to meet his gaze
. 
He rolled his eyes towards the teacher and it made me smile. Then he started talking to his friends while still peeking at me in perfectly timed intervals.  The teacher had brought some Cokes and chips and everyone else was partaking.  We were told to spend the rest of the hour as we wanted to.  I pulled out a book and kicked back.  I was
not
going to go talk to him while he was with his group of guys.  Not gonna happen. 

             
I was thoroughly engrossed in the story when a
whisp
of cinnamon breeze touched me gently on my left side before he sat in the desk next to me. 

             
He turned my book to see the cover and smiled.  “You really do love books, huh?”

             
I blushed.  This was it.  It was real.  He just confirmed what we had talked about on the phone.

             
I cleared my throat
.
“Yeah, I read…um…a lot.” 

             
He chuckled and ran his hand around my elbow. 

             
“How much is a lot?”
h
e asked. 

             
Why in the heck did he want to know?

             
“I don’t know…about 4 or 5 books a week?” 

             
I was low balling on purpose.  I would reveal my true nerd nature at a better time. 

             
“Huh
,
”
h
e said.  “So…did you ask your parents about Friday night?” 

             
I got that sinking feeling in my stomach just thinking about talking t
o them about it. “No, they
got home late last night.  I will talk to them tonight.” 

             
“Oh, well, ok.  Maybe you will know by the time I call tonight.” 

             
I nodded my head “yes” and then for the rest of the period we talked about movies that we liked.  We had different tastes in movies but agreed on the funny ones.

             
The bell rang too quickly and he said, “Oh hey, I forgot.  I’ve got to take my brother somewhere today, I can’t drive you home.” 

             
Relief and grief washed over me simultaneously. 

             
“That’s ok.  It’s no big deal.  I can ride the bus…always have.” 

             
He looked at his shoes and smiled bashfully.  “Yeah, but I’d rather it be you in my car.  I’ll talk to you tonight.” 

             
He turned to get his bag and walk
ed
away and all I could do was give him a wave, which ended up being a cross between a pageant queen and “jazz hands”.
I looked at my hand like it wasn’t attached and rolled my eyes.
Ugh…

             
That night I played my game of “dance by the back door” for a few seconds
.  I wondered how I was going to bring up the subject of Carlos to my Mom and what she was going to say about it.  More importantly, I wondered if I was going to be a coward, or finally stand up for myself.
B