Read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Online
Authors: Travis Bradberry,Jean Greaves,Patrick Lencioni
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (13 page)
Enough said about the value of greeting by name. Now let’s talk about following through. If names are usually on the tip of your tongue, you claim to be “great with faces, but not names,” or you can’t seem to remember anyone’s name 30 seconds after you hear it—make this the month to practice saying, “Hello, [name],” to someone each time you enter a room and to those you’re introduced to. Remembering a person’s name is a brain exercise—practice may be required. If a name sounds unusual to you, ask the person to spell it for you so you can picture the name written. This will help you remember it later. Be sure to use the person’s name at least twice during the conversation.
Greeting people by their names not only acknowledges them as the essence of who they are, but also allows you to remain connected to them in more than just a superficial way. By making it a goal to remember someone’s name when you meet or greet him or her, you are focusing your mind, which will only increase your awareness in social situations.
Ask professional poker players what they study most carefully about their opponents, and they will tell you they look for small changes in behavior that indicate a player’s confidence in his hand.
They check posture, eye movement, hand gestures, and facial expressions. The confident player with bravado is often the bluff, while the quiet hand is the royal flush waiting to sneak up from behind. For professional poker players, reading body language is a matter of winning or going home empty-handed. Acute social awareness skills literally make or break them.
It’s just as important for us to become expert readers of body language; we’ll know how people are really feeling and can plan an appropriate response. To get a complete read from a person, do a head-to-toe body language assessment. Start with the head and face. The eyes communicate more than any other part of the human anatomy. You can get a lot of information from them, but be careful not to stare. Maintained eye contact can show if a person is trustworthy, sincere, or caring. Shifty eyes or too much blinking can suggest deception. People whose eye movements are relaxed yet attentive to the person they are conversing with are more sincere and honest.
Next, look at the person’s smile. Is it authentic or forced? Researchers can tell the difference. They look for a crinkle of skin in the corner of the eyes, and if it is not there, the smile is probably fake. Authentic smiles change rapidly from a small facial movement to a broad open expression.
Once you’ve finished with the face, move to the shoulders, torso, and limbs. Are the shoulders slouched or held naturally upright? Are the arms, hands, legs, and feet calm or fidgety? The body communicates nonstop and is an abundant source of information, so purposefully watch body language during meetings, friendly encounters, and first introductions. Once you tune into body language, its messages will become loud and clear, and you’ll soon notice cues and be able to call someone’s bluff.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “timing is everything” to explain hundreds of situations and scenarios. When dealing with people and their emotions, timing really is everything. You don’t ask for a raise when business is not going well, you don’t try to correct someone who feels threatened by you, and you don’t ask for a favor when someone is under a lot of stress or angry.
To practice your timing as it relates to social awareness, start working on your timing with asking questions. The goal is to ask the right questions at the right time with the right frame of mind, all with your audience in mind.
Just think about how it would go over if you were talking with a colleague who is venting about her spouse. She is concerned about her marriage, and is showing more emotion than ever. As a response, you blurt out the question, “Have you thought about what ideas you have for the project proposal yet?” She stares at you blankly and is blindsided by your question. Her face drops. The conversation is over.
In this case, the timing, the question, and the frame of mind were wrong. You asked the right question at the right time for you; but the time and frame of mind of the other person were way off. Remember, this isn’t about you—it’s about the other person. An appropriate question at that time for her frame of mind would have been, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Most likely, she would’ve appreciated your concern, and calmed down. At that point, you could’ve gently asked your question, most likely acknowledging that the timing was still a little off.
As you practice your timing, remember that the key to social awareness is focusing on others, instead of on yourself, so that you can be more effective.
Sometimes conversations just don’t go as planned. Either the other person isn’t talking as much as you expected, or you are getting one-word answers. A 10-second chunk of silence feels like an eternity; you cringe because it is so awkward. You need to pull something out of your back pocket fast. How about a handy back-pocket question?
A back-pocket question is what you use
just in case
to bail you out of any awkward silence or uncomfortable moment. This social awareness strategy buys you time so you can get to know someone better and shows the other person that you are interested in his or her thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It can be something like: “What do you think about [fill in blank]?” Pick from a handful of issues that require some explanation like work or current events, but avoid politics, religion, and other potentially sensitive areas.
just in case
to bail you out of any awkward silence or uncomfortable moment. This social awareness strategy buys you time so you can get to know someone better and shows the other person that you are interested in his or her thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It can be something like: “What do you think about [fill in blank]?” Pick from a handful of issues that require some explanation like work or current events, but avoid politics, religion, and other potentially sensitive areas.
The versatile conversationalist knows exactly when to pull out his or her back-pocket question—the conversation needs a kick start, and you’re just not ready to give up yet. It may feel like an abrupt subject change. Don’t worry; if it injects life into the conversation, you’ve done well. If there’s still dead air, it might be time to politely include someone else in the conversation or excuse yourself to refill your beverage.
It’s been hammered into our heads that if we want to be successful, we need to learn to juggle a hectic workload and take on more and more. With multi-tasking, the more you can juggle, the more successful you are, right? Wrong. Multi-tasking actually sacrifices your quality of work, as the brain is simply incapable of performing at a high level in multiple activities at once.
Let’s say you’re in a meeting where several ideas are being shared. Pros and cons of each idea are tossed about the room. Though the notes are being captured on flip-charts, you prefer to take your own so you don’t miss any details. As you finish your last thoughts, suddenly Oscar’s voice shifts abruptly from an even tone to one that’s clearly annoyed. A terse exchange between Oscar and Melinda ensues. You review your notes and can’t find the cause of this shift. What just happened? You missed critical details.
By having your head focused on your tablet and your hand scribbling away, you miss the critical clues that shed some major light on how others are feeling or what they may be thinking. Someone who wants the whole story and complete picture observes others without the distraction of phones, typing, or writing. Instead, he or she simply observes. Remember, the main goal of social awareness is to recognize and understand how others are thinking and feeling. To do this, you need to focus on other people.
By having your head focused on your tablet and your hand scribbling away, you miss the critical clues that shed some major light on how others are feeling or what they may be thinking.
A great place to observe others is at meetings. There’s already a captive audience, and usually there’s minimal distraction with email and phone—but there’s the mighty pen. At your next meeting, don’t take notes. Instead, look at each person’s face and notice his or her expressions. Make eye contact with whoever is speaking. You will feel more engaged and focused on others, and pick up on things that pen and paper surely miss.
Note-taking certainly has its value. But it doesn’t have to be your modus operandi, either. If you need to take notes for practical purposes, temporarily stop at intervals to practice observation.
Picture yourself leaving a dinner party. You can’t believe you forgot to bring the bread. You spent at least 10 minutes at the party beating yourself up over it, and another 15 taking ribbing from your breadless yet good-natured friends. As you put your keys in the ignition, you suddenly remember that you wanted to get Jack’s business card to call him about a marketing venture, but the “bread incident” got you off track. Then there’s Kate. She seemed down throughout dinner. Why didn’t you ask her about it when you were there?
You planned to attend this dinner, but did you plan
for
it? Planning ahead for an event can be your saving grace, whether the event’s a dinner party or a meeting for work. If you walk through the door with a plan, you free up your mental energy and brainpower so you can focus on the present moment.
for
it? Planning ahead for an event can be your saving grace, whether the event’s a dinner party or a meeting for work. If you walk through the door with a plan, you free up your mental energy and brainpower so you can focus on the present moment.
The next time you RSVP for an event, in your next breath remind yourself to plan. On an index card, list who is going to be at the event and list any talking points or to do’s. Don’t be shy—carry the list with you!
Now let’s replay the former party scenario, but this time with your plan on paper and in tow. After you arrive, you give the host that promised loaf of bread. Check. You spot Jack in the kitchen, and move toward him to fit in a quick chat and request that business card. Check. With that done, you notice that Kate is off—she looks somber. You notice right away, not as an afterthought while you drive home. You immediately address the alarm in your brain and pull Kate aside to see if she needs to talk. She appreciates your concern, smiles, and shares her story. With that, you both return to the group and enjoy the meal in front of you.
A bit of planning will not just prepare you for the event; planning will also help you enjoy the event more because you’ll be less stressed and more present while you’re there.
To be socially aware, you must be socially present and remove distractions—especially the ones inside your head. These internal distractions are much like clutter in your garage or closet—there’s useful stuff in there, but it’s crowded and hard to get to what you need. The solution: clear away the clutter.
There are a few culprits that are worthy of spring cleaning. First, we all have conversations and chatter going on inside our heads; we talk to ourselves constantly. We’re so busy having these internal chats that we tune the outside world out—which is counterproductive to social awareness. The second culprit is a process where we form our responses while the person we’re talking with is still in fact talking. This, too, is counterproductive—it’s tough to listen to yourself and the other person fully.
To clean up this internal clutter, there are some simple steps to follow. When you are in a conversation, don’t interrupt the other person until he or she is completely finished. Next, to squelch the voice that is planning your response, it’s important to catch yourself in the act; and when you do, stop yourself and clear away the clutter. Now refocus yourself on the person’s face and words. If you need to, physically lean toward the speaker to focus your body into the conversation. This awareness proves you’re making progress because, at one time, you didn’t realize this pattern existed.
Remind yourself that you are in the conversation to listen and learn something, not to wow the other person with your insightful remarks. As you continue to be aware of your clutter and clear it, you’ll become better at quieting your inner thoughts, and your listening skills will sharpen.
There’s no one better at living in the moment than a child. A child does not think about what happened yesterday or what he’s going to do later today. In the moment, he is Superman, and while he is fighting the bad guys, nothing else in the world exists.
Adults, on the other hand, worry about the past (
Oh, I should not have done that)
and stress about the future (
How am I going to handle this tomorrow?)
. It’s impossible to focus on the present while the future and the past loom. Social awareness requires that you live in the moment as naturally as a child does, so you can notice what’s happening with others right now.
Oh, I should not have done that)
and stress about the future (
How am I going to handle this tomorrow?)
. It’s impossible to focus on the present while the future and the past loom. Social awareness requires that you live in the moment as naturally as a child does, so you can notice what’s happening with others right now.
Remember, planning the future and reflecting on the past are valuable exercises, but doing this throughout your day interferes with what is in front of you—your present.
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