Read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Online
Authors: Travis Bradberry,Jean Greaves,Patrick Lencioni
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (14 page)
Make being in the present moment a habit; it will only lift your social awareness skills. Starting this month, if you are at the gym, then
be
at the gym. If you are at a meeting, be at the meeting. Wherever you are, be as present as possible so that you see the people around you and experience life in the moment. If you catch yourself being somewhere else mentally, snap back to the present. Remember, planning the future and reflecting on the past are valuable exercises, but doing this throughout your day interferes with what is in front of you—your present.
be
at the gym. If you are at a meeting, be at the meeting. Wherever you are, be as present as possible so that you see the people around you and experience life in the moment. If you catch yourself being somewhere else mentally, snap back to the present. Remember, planning the future and reflecting on the past are valuable exercises, but doing this throughout your day interferes with what is in front of you—your present.
Didn’t someone say that life is about the journey, not the destination? To become socially aware, we need to remember to enjoy the journey and notice people along the way. When you are focused only on getting to the next meeting, starting your next class period, seeing the next patient, making it to all your client sites, or hurrying to send an email, you’re missing all of the people between Points A and B.
To commit some time to the journey, take some time to walk around where you work and notice your surroundings. Going on a short tour will help you get in tune with other people and their emotions, and refocus your attention on some of the smaller yet critical social clues that exist right under your nose.
During any workday, take just 15 minutes to observe things you’ve never noticed before. Things to look for include the look and feel of people’s workspaces, the timing of when different people move around the office, and which people seek interaction versus those who stay at their desks all day.
After your first observation tour, select a different day to tour your workspace for moods. Other people’s moods can provide you with critical hints about how things are going both individually and collectively. Notice what people may be feeling or how they make you feel when you drop by to talk briefly. Also observe the overall mood in the office or the school, patient care area, manufacturing floor—whatever your work area looks like. Focus intently on what you see, hear, and pick up on in other people.
Schedule 15 minutes to tour your workplace twice a week for a month. On the days you tour, be sure to avoid making too many assumptions or conclusions—just simply observe. You’ll be amazed at what you see along the way.
Hollywood. It’s the entertainment capital of the world known for glitz, glamour, and celebrity. Believe it or not, Hollywood is also a hotbed of EQ, ripe for building your social awareness skills.
After all, art imitates life, right? Movies are an abundant source of EQ skills in action, demonstrating behaviors to emulate or completely avoid. Great actors are masters at evoking real emotion in themselves; as their characters are scripted to do outrageous and obvious things, it’s easy to observe the cues and emotions on-screen.
To build social awareness skills, you need to practice being aware of what’s happening with other people; it doesn’t matter if you practice using a box office hero or a real person. When you watch a movie to observe social cues, you’re practicing social awareness. Plus, since you are not living the situation, you’re not emotionally involved, and the distractions are limited. You can use your mental energy to observe the characters instead of dealing with your own life.
This month, make it a point to watch two movies specifically to observe the character interactions, relationships, and conflicts. Look for body language clues to figure out how each character is feeling and observe how the characters handle the conflicts. As more information about the characters unfold, rewind and watch past moments to spot clues you may have missed the first time. Believe it or not, watching movies from the land of make-believe is one of the most useful and entertaining ways to practice your social awareness skills for the real world.
This sounds basic, almost too basic to mention, but listening is a strategy and a skill that is losing ground in society. Most people think they are good listeners, but if adults played “the Telephone Game” today, how accurate would the final message be? Listening requires focus, and focus isn’t easy because we’re stretched in several directions.
Listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s also about listening to the tone, speed, and volume of the voice. What is being said? Anything not being said? What hidden messages exist below the surface? You may have sat through a speech or presentation where powerful words were chosen, but the tone, speed, or volume didn’t match the power of the words. Instead, these likely matched the speaker’s frame of mind.
Here’s the strategy to practice: when someone is talking to you, stop everything else and listen fully until the other person is finished speaking. When you are on a phone call, don’t type an email. When your son asks you a question, put your laptop down and look at him while you respond. When you’re eating dinner with your family, turn off the TV and listen to the conversation around the table. When you’re meeting with someone, close the door and sit near the person so you can focus and listen. Simple things like these will help you stay in the present moment, pick up on the cues the other person sends, and really hear what he or she is saying.
Sometimes all you want to do is just sit back and watch the world go by—or, in this case, people. Sit back at a table at your local coffee shop and just observe all the people going in and out with their grande, non-fat, extra-hot lattes or the couples walking hand-in-hand on the street: you are actually engaging in one of the most effective social awareness strategies yet.
When you take the time to observe, you will notice people reveal their moods. Watch how people interact with each other in the line at the local coffee shop, grocery store, or other public places: these are great practice arenas. You will see people looking at shelves in stores, and the pace at which they move. You can keep a safe distance and use this as a trial run in spotting the body language or nonverbal cues to tip you off to what people are feeling or thinking.
People watching is a safe way for you to pick up on signals, observe interactions, and figure out underlying motivations or emotions without entering into the interaction yourself. Being able to identify moods and emotions of others is a huge part of social awareness, and often, these are things that fly under your radar. So, in the next week, head out to your local coffee shop, grab a beverage that strikes your fancy, and get comfortable—because it’s the perfect place to work on social awareness.
Social awareness extends beyond just picking up on another person’s emotional cues. Let’s say you start a new job at a company. To be successful, you will need to learn how things are done in this company’s culture. You are assigned to share an office with Lac Su. To be successful with Lac, you’ll also need to learn how Lac’s cultural and family background influences his expectations of you as an office mate. You can’t interpret his actions or reactions until you learn Lac’s rules of the game.
Rules? Much of doing and saying the right things in social situations comes from understanding the rules of the culture game. Our world is a melting pot of vastly different cultures. These cultures interact, live, and conduct business with each other according to very specific rules. There is no way around it, and it is a requirement to learn how to become emotionally intelligent across cultures.
The secret to winning this culture game is to treat others how they want to be treated, not how you would want to be treated. The trick is identifying the different rules for each culture. To make matters even more complicated, the rules you should be watching for and mastering include the rules not only of ethnic culture but also of family and business culture.
How do you go about mastering multiple sets of rules at once? The first step is to listen and watch even more and for a longer period of time than you would with people from your own culture. Collect multiple observations and think before you jump to conclusions. Consider yourself new in town, and before you open your mouth and insert your foot, observe other people’s interactions. Look for similarities and differences between how you would play the game versus how others are playing it.
Next, ask specific questions. This may require talking in settings outside meetings or on the sidelines. Many cultures, both business and ethnic, value social interaction around meals before getting down to business. There is wisdom in this approach because social interaction raises social awareness for both parties and prepares them for playing by the rules of the game.
Even the most socially aware people have off-days or situations they can’t quite read. Maybe there’s so much interference and activity with people or the room that it’s difficult to get a good reading in the midst of the hectic pace. Or perhaps these socially aware people are almost sure they know what’s going on but need some validation of their observations. In these cases, there’s a social awareness strategy to get the answers you need: just ask.
Just ask?
Remember, there’s no such thing as a silly question. Whether you’re a novice or an expert in social awareness, we all need to confirm social observations at some point. The best way to test your accuracy is to simply ask if what you’re observing in people or situations is actually what’s occurring.
Remember, there’s no such thing as a silly question. Whether you’re a novice or an expert in social awareness, we all need to confirm social observations at some point. The best way to test your accuracy is to simply ask if what you’re observing in people or situations is actually what’s occurring.
Maybe you have run into Steve at work and noticed that he has a sullen look on his face with his head hanging low and his eyes never looking up from the ground. You ask how he is doing, and he says he is doing “just fine.”
Your evidence is telling you otherwise—he says he’s fine, but he doesn’t appear to be fine. In this moment, ask a reflective question to clarify what you are seeing. Say something like, “It looks like you are feeling down about something. Did something happen?” Simply stating what evidence you see (
it looks like you are feeling down
) and asking a direct question (
did something happen?
) is a reflective statement at its best. You will likely hear whatever he wants you to know for now; but you’ve reached out to Steve and let him know that you are interested.
it looks like you are feeling down
) and asking a direct question (
did something happen?
) is a reflective statement at its best. You will likely hear whatever he wants you to know for now; but you’ve reached out to Steve and let him know that you are interested.
Another type of question that tests for accuracy focuses on unspoken messages—or what wasn’t necessarily said. Since people don’t always openly and directly say how they feel about something, they’ll drop hints. If you feel comfortable asking, this is a great opportunity to see if you picked up on the hints and what you think they meant. You will also have the opportunity to catch your mistakes if you’ve jumped to conclusions or missed a cue.
Testing your observations for accuracy will ultimately give you a keener understanding of social situations, and help you pick up on cues that usually fly under the radar. If you don’t ask, you’ll never be sure.
Actors do this all the time—they walk in characters’ shoes for a living. Actors channel the same emotions and feelings, embodying the minds and motivations of the characters. It’s how actors with great, healthy upbringings are able to play the most convincing, dysfunctional characters—and vice versa. After actors’ work is complete, instead of complaining about the process, they often report that they come to appreciate the characters they inhabit—even if it’s the bad guy.
Walking in the shoes of another is social awareness at its best—and it’s not just for actors. It’s for all of us who want to gain perspective and a deeper understanding of others, improve our communication, and identify problems before they escalate. If you don’t think you need this, when was the last time you thought,
I wish I had known that Jane felt that way
. If you’re wishing, it’s already too late; wouldn’t it be more useful to catch Jane sooner in the situation?
I wish I had known that Jane felt that way
. If you’re wishing, it’s already too late; wouldn’t it be more useful to catch Jane sooner in the situation?
To practice this strategy, you need to ask yourself questions that start with, “If I were this person . . .” Let’s say you’re in a meeting and someone puts Jim on the spot, questioning decisions he made on a project that had issues. If you were the one who had to answer the question, your tendencies would put you on the defensive. But, remember, this isn’t about you—it’s now about Jim. Put away your own beliefs, emotions, thinking patterns, and tendencies—it’s about experiencing this situation as Jim. Ask yourself,
If I were Jim, how would I respond to this question?
To answer this, use your previous history with Jim to help you understand him: how he’s reacted in similar situations in the past, how he deals with being put on the spot, how he handles himself in groups and one-on-one. How did he act, and what did he say? This is all critical information.
If I were Jim, how would I respond to this question?
To answer this, use your previous history with Jim to help you understand him: how he’s reacted in similar situations in the past, how he deals with being put on the spot, how he handles himself in groups and one-on-one. How did he act, and what did he say? This is all critical information.
How do you know if you’re on target? If you’re comfortable with Jim and the timing is right, approach him after the meeting and test your thoughts. If you’re not comfortable with Jim, practice using another situation with someone else and test your thoughts. The more you practice and get feedback, the more comfortable you’ll become in the shoes of others.
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