Read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Online
Authors: Travis Bradberry,Jean Greaves,Patrick Lencioni
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (17 page)
Let’s say you make the same phone call, but this time you’re in a terrible mood. You’re feeling testy, agitated, and annoyed at the error. You’ve been on hold for 10 minutes, which doesn’t help. When the customer service rep talks to you, he can hear it in your voice. When he speaks, he sounds serious, as if he wants to resolve this quickly. You appreciate the professionalism and service, check this problem off your list, and move on. This customer service rep is skilled at picking up on cues and adapting to them to give fast, hassle-free service—which benefits the customer and the company as well. And his high EQ makes him promotable and marketable.
What he did exactly is a strategy in relationship management that requires social awareness skills—listening, being present, putting yourself in the shoes of the other person, identifying where someone is emotionally, and choosing an appropriate and complementary response. This last piece, choosing a complementary response, doesn’t require you to match or mirror emotions; it wouldn’t make sense for the customer service rep to use the same impatient approach you did—that would infuriate you as the customer. Mirroring emotions would also make coworkers and friends recoil. The complementary response always says you recognize what the other person feels and you think it’s important.
To practice complementing emotions in your relationships, think about one or two emotional situations you’ve experienced where there wasn’t a lot of gray area and there was at least one other person present. How did the other person respond to you? Did his or her response help or hurt your mood? Was the person able to complement your emotional state? Once you can answer these questions, it’s your turn to focus on complementing other people’s emotions in the situations they face. Give yourself a week or two to be at the ready for the people in your closest relationships—the people at work or home. Tell yourself your role is to notice their moods and to be there for your coworkers and family members in a helpful way. Whether you are excited or concerned for them, you will show that you are sensitive and care about what they are going through.
Here’s a true story for aspiring high-EQ managers across the globe. One morning, I groggily went up in the elevator of my office building to start yet another day. It had been a long night the day before; I had stayed late so I could finish some projects for my boss. When I got to my cubicle, I saw that there was a fresh black-and-white cookie and a card that said, “Thanks for filling in the black and whites.” It was from my boss. She was always such a busy person, juggling home and work. I was floored to see that she had found a few minutes to slip into a bakery on behalf of my sweet tooth, and get into the office early to put a cookie on my chair. I just about cried at her thoughtfulness.
Talk about the simple things that go a long way. That cookie motivated me to work even harder, and I did so happily and with fierce loyalty.
We hear this story in many forms, but the strategy is always the same. There are people who do great work around you every day. When you care, show it. Don’t hesitate or put it off until next week. Do something this week or even today. Things as simple as a greeting card or something else inexpensive, yet meaningful, that sums up how you feel are all you need to make an impact and strengthen a relationship.
It’s frightening to be in a place you’re not familiar with and be completely in the dark. Case in point—have you ever planned to go camping but got to the site in the dark? It’s hard to get your bearings, you’re setting up a tent in the dark, and because you’re in the wilderness, it’s just eerily quiet and black. You go to bed with one eye open and hope for the best.
The next day, you wake up tired and unzip your tent, and you’re amazed at the beauty around you: water, mountains, tree-lined trails, and cute little animals abound. There’s nothing to be afraid of—you soon forget last night’s anxieties, and you move about your day. What were you so worried about, anyway?
The only difference between these two scenarios is light—it’s the same place, and you’re with the same people with the same gear. This is what people experience when decisions are made for them. When you are in the dark, intentionally or not, about upcoming layoffs, contract negotiations, and the like, you may as well be setting up camp in blackness. If there are layoffs that increase your workload or change your shift, you’ll find out when the pink slips are handed out. If taxes are changed, you’ll see it on your paycheck. No recourse, no trial period. It’s a done deal.
That’s a tough pill to swallow because we’re not children or dependents; we’re adults. To support an idea, we need to understand
why
the decision was made.
why
the decision was made.
When you use your EQ to manage relationships, keep this in mind. Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the
why
behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it’s even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and openness, even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people feel like they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and kept in the dark.
why
behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense. If you can ask for ideas and input ahead of time, it’s even better. Finally, acknowledge how the decision will affect everyone. People appreciate this transparency and openness, even though the decision may negatively impact them. Transparency and openness also make people feel like they are trusted, respected, and connected to their organization—instead of being told what to do and kept in the dark.
If you have a habit of making decisions quickly and independently, you’re likely very personally competent. Though old habits die hard, since they’re ingrained in your brain’s wiring, it’s time to rewire and add social competence to your decision-making repertoire.
First, you’ll likely have to spot your upcoming decisions. Take out your calendar to look over the next three months to identify which decisions will need to be made by then. Now work backward and see who will be impacted by these decisions. Make a complete list of who will be affected by each decision and plan on when and where you will talk together about each, including the details that explain
why
and
how
each decision will be made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your agenda and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak to your audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope.
why
and
how
each decision will be made. If you have to invite people to a special meeting for just this purpose, so be it. As you plan your agenda and your words, use your social awareness skills to put yourself in the shoes of others, so you can speak to your audience before and after you make the decision as they would expect and hope.
Think about the best feedback you ever received. It wasn’t something you necessarily wanted or expected, but it made a difference in your behavior going forward. The feedback may have shaped your overall performance, or how you deal with a particular situation, or even your career. What made the feedback so good?
If you are responsible for giving feedback, there are several guidebooks to walk you through the process, making sure it’s within legal and human resources guidelines. Sit down, we have some news: following legal guidelines isn’t what makes feedback a performance- or person-changing experience; infusing EQ know-how into your feedback, though, is what does.
Here’s how to think about feedback and EQ—giving feedback is a relationship-building event that requires all four EQ skills to be effective. Use your self-awareness skills to identify your feelings about the feedback. Are you comfortable with the process? Why or why not? Next, use your self-management skills to decide what you’ll do with the information you just learned about yourself from answering the above questions. For example, if you’re anxious about giving feedback about phone etiquette because you don’t want people to think you’re eavesdropping, how exactly are you going to get beyond this anxiety to confidently give feedback? It’s up to you, but don’t ignore the feedback because of your discomfort.
Giving feedback is a relationship-building event that requires all four EQ skills to be effective.
Next, use your social awareness skills to think of the person who’s receiving the feedback. Remember, feedback is meant to address the problem, not the person. How does the person need to hear your message so it’s clear, direct, constructive, and respectful? Constructive feedback has two parts: sharing your opinion and offering solutions for change. Let’s take Todd: he’s very direct—sugarcoating his need to make phone etiquette improvements will insult him. But if sugarcoating hard news is in his improvement plan, consider sharing feedback with and without the sugar so he can hear the difference and learn from it.
Jenni, on the other hand, is sensitive. Since this is a relationship-building experience, keep Jenni in mind when planning her feedback. Using softeners such as “I think,” or “I believe,” or “This time” to begin a statement may soften the blow. Instead of “Your report is terrible,” use “I believe there are parts of your report that could use revisions. May I walk you through some suggestions?” Here, offering suggestions for improvement is helpful—not prescriptive. At the end, ask the person for his or her thoughts, and thank the person for his or her willingness to consider your suggestions.
Intention
with
Your
Impact
Let’s say you’re in a staff meeting and the next topic on the agenda is to figure out why some key deadlines are being missed. After some back-and-forth, it’s looking like Ana might be partially to blame—and the room is getting tense. In an honest attempt to lighten the mood, you say something like, “Geez, Ana—looks like maybe taking those longer lunches is finally catching up to you!”
Instead of laughs, there’s dead silence. You don’t understand what you did wrong, and you later tell Ana, “I was only kidding,” but she seems put off. These are the famous last words of someone who had good
intentions,
but the result, or
impact
, was not aligned. And it’s too late.
intentions,
but the result, or
impact
, was not aligned. And it’s too late.
Or think about the results-driven manager who has good intentions about guiding her staff toward achieving higher goals. She’s so focused on success that she becomes entrenched in the work (doing most of it herself or pushing everyone to do it her way)—completely missing how to manage the work through others. Her staff deems her a hard-driving micromanager who doesn’t share knowledge, and all she
intended
was for the team to learn from her and be successful. Yet again, intentions were good, but they had the opposite impact. Relationships are now tarnished, and the manager can’t figure out why her staff resents her.
intended
was for the team to learn from her and be successful. Yet again, intentions were good, but they had the opposite impact. Relationships are now tarnished, and the manager can’t figure out why her staff resents her.
If you find that you spend time smoothing things over to repair a relationship, or you are unsure about what’s going wrong in your relationships, know that these situations are avoidable. With the help of your awareness and management skills, making small adjustments will make all the difference.
To align your words and actions with your intent, you need to use your social awareness and self-management skills to observe the situation and the people in it, think before you speak or act, and make an appropriate and sensitive response. Do a quick analysis. Think of a situation where the impact of what you said or did was not what you intended. On a piece of paper, describe the incident, your intentions, your actions, and the impact—the end result or reaction of others. Next, write what you didn’t realize in the situation—and fill in what you understand now in hindsight, including missed cues, what you learned about yourself, and others. Finally, answer what you could have done differently to keep your intent and impact aligned. If you’re not sure, ask someone who was involved in the situation.
In Ana’s case, you didn’t realize it was the wrong moment for that joke. It singled her out publicly. Next time, you’ll lighten the mood by poking fun at yourself, not someone else. The results-driven manager didn’t realize what motivated her staff members. She didn’t give them space and time to learn and grow on their own. To better manage your relationships, it’s critical to spot misalignments before you act, so that your actions match your impact with your good intentions.
Airline agents. They are often the bearer of unavoidably bad news in person—weather delays, delays due to mechanical repairs, lost luggage, overbooking. The list goes on and on. Airline agents attempt to repair your broken experience with fix-its or tools—like rebooking and vouchers—to problem solve and address the ultimate goal to get you to your destination.
It’s probably safe to assume that we’ve all had conversations where we could use a fix-it. A simple discussion breaks into a disagreement or gets stuck going around in circles. In these broken conversations, past mistakes may get brought to the surface, regretful comments are made, and blame is present. No matter who said what, or who “started it,” it’s time to refocus and fix it. Someone needs to step back, quickly assess the situation, and begin repairing the conversation with a fix-it.
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