Read Emperor Mollusk Versus the Sinister Brain Online
Authors: A. Lee Martinez
Emperor Mollusk Versus the Sinister Brain (18 page)
“Without the fountain, there is no Dynasty,” said Serket. “So you’ll understand how very precious it is to us. I would ask you to step aside.” Her eyes flashed. “And I won’t ask again.”
Zala readied her spear.
Snarg retched, spitting up a small black box. The device pinged.
“Oh, Emperor,” said Serket. “Have you really descended to this?”
“I will blow up your fountain,” I replied.
“And kill yourself in the process? What could be gained by that?”
“I’m well protected in here.” I tapped the dome.
“But what of your companion?”
“Oh, she would die,” I admitted, “but, honestly, I’ll have to kill her one day anyway, so might as well get it out of the way.”
“Foolish mortal,” said Serket. “I can’t die. What makes you think I fear death? And you can’t destroy the fountain. You could, at worst, force us to dig it out again.”
The look on her guards’ faces said they were less cavalier about the prospect, but they wouldn’t back down in front of their queen.
“First of all, this isn’t a spear in the chest or a lost limb. There’s a difference between being immortal and being immortal in bits and pieces. Secondly, you could dig out the fountain, but why put yourself through that? It might not be the end of the world, but it would be inconvenient.”
Serket yawned. She drummed her fingers and had a servant pick a piece of lint off her cape.
“I do so despise inconvenience, Emperor.”
Three months after my victory against the Saturnite peril, I sat in my Swiss chalet, working on a new device for the future of Terra, when Grant, my Terran butler, interrupted.
“Lord Mollusk,” he said. “I hate to be rude, but if you don’t leave soon, you’ll miss the parade.”
I didn’t look up from my work.
“Is there another one?”
Grant nodded. “Yes, Lord.”
“Tell them to start without me.”
“As you wish, sir.” He turned to leave.
“Grant, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, sir.”
I checked the device. Satisfied it passed inspection, I tossed it into a heap of them I’d collected in the corner.
“Don’t you think these parades are getting a tad…tiresome?”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, Lord Mollusk.”
“How many parades do I really need?” I asked. “This is the third this week and it’s only Tuesday.”
Grant smiled. “But, sir, you saved Terra from horrible enslavement. You can hardly be surprised that her people want to express their gratitude.”
“Yes. Gratitude.” I started assembling another device from the various pieces piled on the table. “Would it be ungrateful on my part to just skip this one?”
“Shall I send your regrets then?”
“Do that. Tell everyone I’m busy. A lot of pressing science and stuff.”
“Shall I tell them to postpone it to a more convenient time?”
“No, just go ahead and do it without me.” I fitted two parts together with a screwdriver. “Lots of science to get to.”
Grant nodded. “As you wish, sir.”
He left, and I continued assembling.
After an hour, I took a break to check the parade coverage. All across the planet, in this world’s greatest cities, throngs of Terra Sapiens celebrated Warlord Mollusk Day. Or maybe it was Emperor Mollusk Is Great Month. I’d lost track of the number of holidays, both official and unofficial, dedicated to my amazing achievements. And while they were amazing, there was a point where it stopped being interesting.
Today was New York City’s chance to throw the official official parade. There were always plenty of unofficial parades and a slew of unofficial official parades. But the official official parade was the biggest one. It traveled across the planet, moving from city to city, growing larger and more elaborate each day. What had started as a simple motorcade with me on the back of a convertible had become an industry unto itself.
The floats had become so complex that many colleges now offered degrees in float engineering. There were factories that worked all day, every day to meet the demands for confetti and balloons. And celebration fatigue was a growing international problem.
Yet still the Terrans kept at it with no signs of slowing down, throwing all their resources toward monuments in my honor and praising me in every way their culture could conceive.
There were 106 movies about my life, each more grandiose than the last. And while I was indeed the one who repelled the Saturnite invasion, I hadn’t ended WW II by punching out Gorilla Hitler. Nor had I birthed the Industrial Revolution, split Pangea, synthesized the amino acids that led to the development of life in the system, or played with Hendrix at Woodstock ’69.
I forced myself to watch the parade broadcast for a few minutes. Not that I needed to worry about missing it. The announcers reminded me that there would be an immediate rebroadcast after the post-parade coverage.
The dark-haired female of the duo smiled brightly while speaking in her perfect-diction announcer voice. “It’s a shame that Lord Mollusk couldn’t be with us today, but we know he’s watching over us.”
“Yes, he is, Melanie,” said her equally peppy male equivalent. “As long as Terra has Emperor Mollusk, we can always be certain we’re safe.”
They both laughed.
“Coming up next, Bill,” said Melanie, “is the Beautiful Emperor Mollusk Choir.”
“Oh, I love these kids,” said Bill. “What’s the name of that song they’re famous for?”
Melanie glanced at the index card in her hand. “According to this, Bill, it’s ‘Beautiful Emperor Mollusk.’”
“Dopey me,” he said. “I should’ve remembered that.”
“Especially considering it’s the only song they sing, silly Billy.”
They chuckled in perfect harmony.
“We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor,” said Bill. “
Emperor Mollusk Creates the Universe.
Opening in a theater near you.”
“Oh, and it’s a good one,” she replied. “I was privileged enough to see an advance screening. In the film, Lord Mollusk goes back in time and—”
He put a finger to his lips. “Now, now, Mel. You don’t want to ruin it for everyone, do you?”
I turned off the TV.
Mind control was a delicate science. Obviously, I’d miscalculated somewhere.
So it was that a week later, I sat by my fireplace in my Venezuelan palace and addressed the Terrans one last time.
“Hello. Emperor Mollusk here.”
I smiled at the camera.
“First of all, let me just say that I’ve really enjoyed our time together. You’re a terrific species. You really are. And it’s been great fun ruling over you, but…”
I paused. This was proving harder than I thought it would be.
“It’s not you. It’s me. Turns out that now that I’ve solved most of your problems, I’m not finding merely ruling you to be particularly satisfying. It’s been a problem of mine for some time. Even before I came to your world. But that’s not important. I’m just here to say that, effective as of this moment, I am no longer Supreme Warlord of Terra. You’re free to rule yourselves again.”
It was probably only my imagination, but I thought I sensed the collective gasp of a billion souls echoing through the atmosphere.
I held up a spherical device.
“I’ve distributed these across the planet. They contain a counteragent to the microbes I’ve seeded in your global water supply. And I’ve already had the mind twisters deactivated and disassembled.
“Unfortunately, the effects of this conditioning will take several decades to fully disappear. Thirty years, give or take. For the foreseeable future, you’ll still experience a reflexive and irresistible urge to adore me. Please refrain from doing so.”
I paced to one side of the fireplace and back again.
“I’ve done things. Things, upon reflection, that I’m not sure I’m happy I’ve done. I can’t undo most of them. But I can give you back your world. You aren’t ready for it, of course. But you weren’t really ready for it before, and to your credit, you managed not to blow it up just fine without me. Oh, sure, I fixed a few problems here and there. You can keep the improvements. You’re welcome.
“Since you’ll need a few decades to get back to your old selves, I’ll stick around in the meantime. Just to handle any emergencies that might pop up, but treat me as you would any other resident of Terra. If you happen to see me on the street, feel free to say hello. But no more bowing. No more autographs. No more parades and holidays. And enough with the statues already. They’re all very nice, but after a point, it just becomes silly.”
I sat in my fine leather armchair and interlaced my fingers.
“Right. Not much left to say at this point other than it’s been a pleasure being your conqueror. Take care of yourselves.”
I made a slashing motion and the camera operator cut the feed.
“How was that?” I asked.
“Excellent, sir,” he said.
“I probably should’ve prerecorded it.” I slouched. “Well, no point in worrying about it now. It’s done.”
I walked to the balcony and looked at Puerto Ayacucho bathed in the glow of sunset. The streets were empty. Everyone was at home, watching my broadcast. I gave them a few minutes to process my message. An order to be themselves was still an order, and they were programmed to follow all my orders without question. Slowly, the Terrans filtered out of their homes. They walked past my home. Most ignored me. One or two waved to me, though they tried to act casual about it.
I did the polite thing and waved back.
I studied the statue, a twenty-foot-high depiction of me built into the square just beyond the tree line. The granite monument seemed ridiculous right then, and I wondered why it hadn’t seemed so before.
“Have that destroyed tomorrow,” I told a servant.
“Yes, sir.”
“Have them all destroyed,” I said.
“As you wish, Lord.”
I thought about ordering him not to call me
Lord
, but they’d eventually figure that out on their own.
“Except maybe that one in Moscow,” I said. “I’ve always liked that one.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And the St. Louis statue. It’d be a shame to destroy that one after they took down the Arch to make room for it. On second thought, don’t destroy anything just yet. Not until I’ve had some time to think about it. Can’t hurt to keep a few mementos around.”
“Very good, sir.” He bowed and left.
I stood there on the balcony and thought about things. For all my intelligence, I rarely wasted time contemplating. I was usually too busy researching and building and experimenting, but in that moment of self-analysis, I realized how dissatisfied I was with my accomplishments, grandiose as they might have been.
But then I grew bored, went to the lab, and started designing a better death ray.
We left the Everlasting Dynasty with a few ounces of undying water and the blessing of the queen. As I expected, she had no information on the current location of the Brain or his larger plans.
We stopped at Cairo, where the Terrans were more than happy to allow me access to a state-of-the-art lab for a few hours.
The lab door opened, and Zala entered.
“I thought you were going to get some rest,” I said. “You’re not much good to me exhausted.”
“It’s been nine hours, Emperor.”
“Has it?” I studied the latest batch of spectroscope readings. “Must have lost track of time. Wonders of scientific exploration and all that. Have a nice nap?”
She stretched. “That couch left a kink in my shoulder.”
“You could’ve used a hotel,” I said. “I wouldn’t have left without you.”
“I’m not leaving you unprotected.”
“Very dedicated of you.” I glanced up from the readout. “If you’d like, I could set you up with some basic cybernetic augmentations that would reduce your need for rest. Wouldn’t take more than a day and some simple surgery. Just think of how much you could accomplish with a built-in chainsaw and eyes able to scan the entire electromagnetic spectrum.”
“I’ll pass.”
“Pity. Though let me know if you do change your mind.”
Zala leaned over the table where I had placed all the components we’d gathered on this adventure. The half-assembled catalyzer from the moon incident, the unfathomable extraneous bits from jelligantic. The fluid sample from the Great Gynoecium and the vial of undying water.
“I’m sure you can’t wait to tell me what your keen observational mind has gleaned from these odds and ends, Emperor.”
“If you insist…” I joined her at the table. “My data suggests that all these parts can be put together in the following manner. Observe.”
I took apart the catalyzer, putting aside most of its parts. But with the few left over, I screwed and snapped them with the bits from the jelligantic node. Then I screwed the sample of Gynoecium sap and mixed a few drops of undying water with it. The black sap turned a fresh white color. I handed her the device, just big enough to be held in one hand.
“This is it?” she asked.
“Were you expecting something more?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know what I was expecting. What’s it do?”
“I don’t really know,” I replied. “But it’s the only configuration that makes the slightest bit of sense.”
“How can you not know what it does?”
“Because it’s only a component,” I said. “It’s like looking at a screw and knowing what model of spacecraft it belongs to.”
“Surely, you can make one of your educated guesses,” she said.
“Surely.” I took the device and turned it in my hands. “It depends entirely on the function of the Gynoecium sap. It could be a power source. Or it could be artificially stimulated to generate its own psionic effect. It’s really quite fascinating how the sap responds to the undying water. It doesn’t merely preserve the sap, but also has a positive energy yield. It’s low output, but properly manipulated, it could produce enough energy to power a larger device for a minute or two.”
Zala tried and failed to appear interested.
“I don’t know why you insist on asking for explanations that will just bore you,” I said.
Her scales darkened. “I don’t know either.”
I opened a slot in my exo and tucked the mystery part away.
“What do we do now?” she asked.
I went back to studying data. “I don’t know. The disc has no more information.”
“Perhaps you missed something. If this is truly the work of an inside agent, then possibly there’s something hidden even more obscurely.”
“There’s nothing else on the disc, Zala,” I said. “I checked. And then I checked again. And then I checked one more time. I ran it through every data recovery method I know as well as several new ones I invented today. If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that this disc has nothing else on it.”
“Then what’s your plan?”
“We wait.”
Her tail whipped around. “That’s not a plan.”
“It’s a plan,” I said. “Just not a very good one. If you have a better one, please share it.”
Zala’s feathers ruffled. She waved her arms in a sweeping gesture around the lab. “Use this. Do something. Notice some tiny detail. Jump to some ridiculous conclusion. Do what you do, Emperor.”
“What I do isn’t as easy as I make it look,” I said.
“Easy? Since embarking on this mission, we’ve had one narrow escape after another. You’ve yet to convince me that the Brain hasn’t been five steps ahead of you at every turn. I’m charged with guarding you, but you refuse to tell me everything I need to know to do so. Half the time, you treat the lives of those around you as assets to wager recklessly. And other times, you’re willing to risk your own life for the protection of this planet you no longer even rule.”
“This is why I prefer robots,” I mumbled.
Zala hissed. It was a sound reserved only for the most absolute levels of Venusian disgust and frustration. She was midway through storming from the lab when I stopped her.
“When we were leaving the Gynoecium cave, you asked me if I believed if there was really an inside agent working against the Brain. Do you remember that?”
She leaned against the doorframe and narrowed her eyes. “Yes?”
“When I gave you my answer, you laughed.”
She half smiled. “I remember.”
“When I asked, you wouldn’t tell me why.”
Zala chuckled. “And it’s been bothering you ever since, hasn’t it?”
I paused long enough to hopefully appear disinterested. “I’ll admit to some nagging curiosity.”
“You can’t stand it, can you? Not knowing.”
Her eyes flashed with a sinister light.
“Deal with it, Emperor.”
She turned to leave when a Terran military officer appeared on the lab’s main screen.
He said, “Lord Mollusk—”
I interrupted. “Please, General. It’s Emperor.”
“Yes, Lord Emperor Mollusk. You requested that we alert you to any unusual activity reports. We have reports of unidentified craft descending on Paris.”
“Thank you, General. Order your defense forces not to interfere, evacuate everyone within ten square miles of the Champ de Mars. I will handle this personally.”
He saluted. “By your command, Lord Emperor Mollusk.”
“Emperor,” I said. “Just Emp…Oh, forget it.”
Zala and I hurried to my saucer.
“Is it the Brain?” asked Zala.
“I wouldn’t be surprised. And it can only mean one thing,” I said. “He means to steal the Eiffel Tower.”